Quinn Insurance – We Let The Little Things Look After The Big Thing

Thursday, May 5th, 2011

QUINN GAMBLING INSURANCE...now with even MORE benefits for everyone


By everyone, we mean of course US and not YOU. Got it? Good. Now….GET OFF MY LAND PEASANTS!

Fianna Fail Unveil Generic ‘No Cowen’ Poster

Thursday, January 20th, 2011

Fianna Fail poster for 11/03/11 #2

A week is a long time in politics and so it would seem that as the party collapses under the gravity of it’s own corruption a quarter of an hour is a long time in Fianna Fail.

Having been first off the blocks this afternoon with their Done yis all. None of ye left to do posters for Election ’11, featuring Brian Cowen in a typically combative pose, news of a fresh heave against the Fianna Fail leader has prompted the unveiling of an alternative campaign poster and slogan.

At the behest of Cowen critics within the ranks led by ‘Sciencey’ Lenihan, Noel Backbencher and Tom Crank the organisation is to run with a generic image focussing on an Ireland of the future with the upbeat slogan Going forward…

In this way elements within the party hope to disassociate themselves fully from Mr Cowen’s toxic brand and secure the 120 seats they feel are their collective due in March 11th.

IT IS ON!

Thursday, January 20th, 2011

Fianna Fail poster for 11/03/11 #1

Impressive Shouty Fighty Cowen Defends State Official Bonuses

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has defended the awarding of up to €200,000 in individual bonus payments to state officials. The bonuses came to light in a reply to questions from Fine Gael Spokesman on Smarts and Clevers, Fergus O’Dowd.

However the Taoiseach has shoutily assured the Dáil that these are not in fact bonus payments but are instead part of “the overall aggregate payments made to officials under agreements made formerly and in a context where they were the only right arrangement to make at the time and are a clear case where you have to make the distinction between things that are distinct. I’m in fighting form, you know”.

Brian Cowen Thinking About Shouting Fighty Stuff

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen impresses onlookers in the Dáil Impressed Gallery by thinking about what he will shout next in a fighty way, thus demonstrating his utter mastery of matters of state.

The Taoiseach has explained that the payments are made under agreements from the past and cannot be changed. This now seems to be government policy as it is in line with Acting Finance Minister Brian Lenihan’s insistence that the bonuses in AIB are a result of agreements from the past and absolutely must not be paid.

Media observers, particularly those in the impartial state broadcaster RTFF, have praised the Taoiseach’s recent shouty fightiness, which analysts have pointed is both louder and more fighty than previously, clearly indicating a divine right to rule.

Budget Latest: New National Performance Indicator To Be Invented

Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

The Acting Minister for Finance has just announced a new National Welfare Index. This will measure the national wellbeing in a way which smooths over such distorting factors as how we are doing and how much money the government has pissed down a bank drain.

As well as normal indexes of wealth and health, the new index will include such factors as:

  • Number of nice looking domestic animals
  • Cloud fluffiness
  • Native cunning
  • Our Ability To Laugh At Ourselves
  • Our ability to cover up our inadequacies by allowing others to laugh at us
  • Boxty
Goat

Nice-Looking Animals

The new Welfare Index will be used in future to help guide government policy in key areas such as casinos, obfuscation and applied borrowing.

There Is No March – Cowen

Saturday, November 27th, 2010
Protest

'Reports that any march against the budget is taking place are ludicrous' Acting Taoiseach

The Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen and Brian Lenihan the Minister for Hissing Incorrect Sums of Money Into Microphones have today denied that any public demonstrations against the ‘government’ are taking place.

The two safest pairs of hands in the known world angrily dismissed dissent against the forthcoming budget and four year plan as ludicrous.

Mr Cowen also denied sub zero temperatures were sweeping the Republic; “I’m in my pants here. it’s roastin'” he said, though a spokesmansergh later admitted that the heating was on high enough to make the governor of Bermuda uncomfortable. “We can do nothing about it. it’s linked to top grade civil service grades” the spokesmansergh keened.

From our reporter on the ground Ever E. Fuggenbody

Video For Free Download Single “Not Doing Any Time”

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

Morgan Jones has uploaded this video for the Carmody And Jones single “Not Doing Any Time”, available free here from this web site.

Annual FF Dinner Cancelled – Optics Wrong

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010
Fianna Fail Optic

Too little, too late - a picture of one of the offending optics leading to the cancellation of the ceremonial 'gorging of the lizard people' which was supposed to be held at the Burlington Hotel this Saturday

Fianna Fáil’s annual Cáirde Fáil dinner scheduled for this Saturday night, traditionally one of the highlights of the social calendar for the lizard people has been cancelled.

Tickets for the fundraising gathering, known for nearly two years now as “the Acting Taoiseach’s dinner”, cost €95, and the event was due to take place in the Burlington Hotel in Dublin.

One Fianna Fáil deputy, who did not want to be named, said the party had “pulled the plug” on the dinner. “The optics of it wouldn’t have been right – they were standard Solo 35mls and himself prefers the custom large measure 105ml lads because there’s less waitin’ about fer the treble to pour like” the TD said.

Another TD, who also wished to remain anonymous, said: “I presume it was decreed it mightn’t have been a good week to go ahead with it. It would have sent out the wrong signal: MaFFianna Fáil sitting down to dinner at €95 a plate. The optics are all the wrong size in the Burlo in anyways I’m told.”

However, a spokesbanshee for Fianna Fáil insisted the event had not been cancelled but had merely been deferred until a date, yet to be selected by the junior coalition partners, in 2011.

“It’s not cancelled – it’s just postponed. They’ll make a decision early in the new year when to have it at your expense,” the spokesbanshee keened, combing out her tresses with a comb made from the teeth of recently face kicked pensioners and children.

The current chairwoman of the Cáirde Fáil Margaret Conlon TD, appealed to TDs and Senators to buy tickets at the first parliamentary party meeting of this month but many are reported to have answered her claiming to be Independents or pretended to be eastern European television crews. Ms Conlon could not be contacted yesterday but a voicemail at her office claimed that we had called a Chinese laundry.

Green Party Cannot Be Destroyed As It Is An Idea, Claim Gormley, Ryan

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

In a shock announcement the leader of the Green Party has backed Eamon Ryan’s assertion that the Green Party can never be destroyed because it is not in fact a party, but rather “an idea”.

The rogue idea has helped clarify the situation in the country in the last day by announcing there will be an election as soon as there is a four year plan for recovery in place, a budget has been passed unopposed and “shit like that”. The Green Idea leader said the election would be in January and further clarified this later by saying that he never said it would be in January, just “sometime soon”.

The Green Idea will be immune to electoral concerns as it is just notional and it expects to play a leading imaginary role in the future hypothetical development of a psychological mind-map of a metaphor for Ireland.

Eamon Ryan And A Special Bike

Green Idea Minister Eamon Ryan Shows Off The Small Glowing Bikes On Which The Greens Will Ride To Otherness Following the General Election

Gormley, Ryan and other prominent Greens will stand for re-election but are expected to transubstantiate on magic bicycles (a vehicle with even lower emissions than a standard push-bike due to minute adjustments to the ephemera and saddle nut) immediately following the results of that election.

Paul Gogarty TD will remain behind on earth holding the baby.