Noonan hails Irish citizens as “Heroes”

Friday, December 13th, 2013
"The Irish people are the real heroes and heroines of the bailout" - Reichschancellor Noonan

“The Irish people are the real heroes and heroines of the bailout” – Reichschancellor Noonan

The Reichschancellor for Finance Michael Noonan has hailed the Irish people as the real heroes of the bailout. Mr Noonan made his comments as he marked the official end of the bailout which will continue to blight the Irish people for decades. Luckily now that they are officially heroes they will spend the time paying for the now non-existent bailout in their top secret hero caves and fortresses heated by their x-ray vision.

Mr Noonan, a qualified secondary school teacher from Limerick today said that the Irish people are the ‘real heroes and heroines’ of the bailout exit as they had borne the brunt of the programme, which he said had seen the government take 270 different actions across the board, but not one action against any boardroom.

Chupacabra For Social Protection Heralds New Era Of Certainty For Pensioners

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013
(L-R) Joan Burton the Chupacabra for Social Protection, Uachtarin Na hEireann Michael D. Minutive, Two lads from party HQ doughnutting and a man Gardai are seeking in connection with a used car racket

(L-R) Joan Burton the Chupacabra for Social Protection, Uachtarin Na hEireann Michael D. Minutive, two of the lads from party HQ taking a break from being highly valued advisors to do a spot of doughnutting, and a man Gardai are seeking in connection with a used car racket

The Chupacabra For Social Protection says that she believes that new legislative changes to defined benefit pensions will create a more certain landscape for customers.

Joan Burton told RTÉ’s Mouthpiece Ireland  “I can certainly state that those with pensions up to €12,000 will certainly have very little if anything at all to live on in their old age, and there will be a sliding scale for those with pensions over €12,000 who we are viewing as fortunate tax payers who will certainly shoulder more of the liabilty”.

Naturally the sliding scale will only slide one way.

“My aim is to create the maximum level of protection for all parties especially those at the very top who deserve the absolute certainty that their gilt edge pensions are protected”.

“In the case of a double insolvency (where both the fund and company are insolvent) there is a European directive that says the State has to pay 50 per cent of the fund. We all had a good laugh about that one to be honest” she said. “In any case if it does we can always shake some other pensioner down for the cash. Or maybe one or two of their grandchildren”.

School Newsletter.

Tuesday, November 19th, 2013

St Garret's Newsletter #1

Fears For Survival of Satire as Former Taoiseach Launches Management Consultancy

Sunday, November 10th, 2013

20131110-114448.jpg

Satire is this morning feared dead following the announcement by the last ever MaFFianna Fail Taoiseach Brian Cowen that he is to run a management consultancy from his Offally home!

Details of Mr Cowen’s “comedy gold” idea are sketchy, but it is thought that services offered will include learning modules for his clients’ senior executives. The modules will give Mr Cowen the opportunity to use structured FAQs to impart his particular experience in areas like:

Pouring Piss Out of a Boot – how to do it; what if I can’t find the instructions written on the heel? What if my liver is too tired to let me focus on the heel? How do I invest responsibility for the puddle of boot piss in others?

Another popular module will be targeted at micro managers who need to learn to back away and allow their business’ own systems and processes work by themselves. This module is called Relax! Let The Two Car Funeral Fuck Itself Up.

A leading management consultant who didn’t wish to be named has described Mr Cowen’s entry into the field of management consultancy as being “like Grace Kelly opening a driving school in Monaco”

Kenny Receives Honour

Thursday, October 25th, 2012

20121025-023752.jpg

Grown men and Pat Kenny wept openly yesterday as Taoiseach Edna Kenny (Mrs) was awarded an Iron Cross by VDZ, a German media group.

The award comes with an extra meaty pouch of Pedigree Chum and a special tickle under the chin.

Mrs Kenny can now look forward to a particularly easy run in to the Children’s Rights To Pay Someone Else’s Debts Referrendum and the forthcoming strap on budget.

Ireland “Ireland” – Noonan

Tuesday, March 13th, 2012

20120313-181023.jpg
Minister for Honours Maths Michael Noonan reading the 2008 Leaving Cert Maths (Ordinary) paper set by his predecessor Mr Cromwell

Parents of Junior Certificate geography students today thanked Michael Noonan for clearing up any lingering confusion that Ireland may be the much larger mediterranean country Spain. Mr Noonan’s statement comes hot on the heels of recent assertions made by the Tainiste and Minister for Geography (Common Level) Eamon Gilmore to the effect that Ireland is neither Portugal nor Greece.

Asked why the Minister for Honours Maths was providing study notes for a class other than his own Mister Noonan explained that the Tainiste was on an in service training day along with some other staff members.

There will be no P.E. for the next two weeks as Mister Vaginar the Minister for P.E. and The Bus has a pulled junket which has to be treated in England. A full list of all classes to be affected by the St Patrick’s Day holiday will be sent home in satchels this week.

Taoiseach Takes To Interpretive Dance

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

Taoiseach Edna Kenny (Mrs) has been pictured this morning in the Irish Times dancing outside government buildings ahead of a meeting tomorrow with supreme European co-dictator Angela Merkel

In his new dance move the Taoiseach admirably displays Ireland and Greece’s chances against the Troika

20120222-134247.jpg

Lagarde To Noonan “Quelle partie de “tu es ma chienne maintenant” pouvez-vous pas comprendre?”

Monday, June 20th, 2011

Minister for Insolvency Michael Noonan watches as French finance minister Christine Lagarde shows him the actual violin that President Sarkozy plays whenever anyone talks to him about the Irish Government’s attempts to secure a cut in the interest rate on Ireland’s bailout