NTA Announces Athlone Initiative To Combat Dublin Bus Congestion

Monday, May 29th, 2017

The National Transport Authority (NTA) has announced plans for new orbital bus corridors. Presently huge delays are caused by passengers being forced to take buses which travel in a straight line between locations on opposite sides of the city. Under the new scheme, however, the busy Dublin city centre will be bypassed by routing buses through Athlone, Carrick-on-Shannon and Tampa Bay.

Other changes expected to happen about ten years after the NTA plans to introduce them include a cashless fare system where passengers will have either fares deducted at source from their earnings or be able to take advantage of a CAB-type set up where their assets or organs are conveniently seized in lieu.

New Look Dublin Bus Fleet

New Look Dublin Bus Fleet

Existing bus lanes will be widened to accommodate new wider, low emission vehicles. These will essentially be constructed along the lines of Phoenician galley ships, with propulsion depending on passengers pushing the vehicle along with large “oars” or “sticks”.

The new fleet will have a swanky new livery. There will be a public competition for the design which will be won by the nephew of the Minister for Transport.

Monorail Project To Varadkarville May Get Priority

Monday, July 4th, 2011

The Minister for Transport, Leo Varadkar has hinted that rather than the Luas DXD Link or Metro North projects, a third transport initiative “Leorail” may get the nod in Spetember.

The proposed Leorail line would run from everywhere to the newly designated Varadkarville Development Region in Dublin South. It would be the first ever supersonic monorail outside Dinsneyland and the first in the world to harness the power of the Fine Gael minister’s ego.

LeoRail

All Aboard The LeoRail To Varadkerville: Choo!! Choo!!

Scientists working in the Varadkar Institute Of Stuff recently identified highly charged particles of pure ego, which are released when Leo Varadkar and an opportunity to say something collide at speeds close to that of light. Experiments took place in an underground Varadkon Collider, deep beneath the surface of Tallaght (soon to be re-named Varadkarville West).

The monorail will cost more than Metro North and Luas DXD combined, but Mr. Varadkar has hinted that it could potentially generate up to 4 billion cubic kilometres of precious gaseous hubris for the region. The trains will be unmanned and driven purely by untrammelled ambition or an iPhone app, depending on the results of tests currently being carried out by boffins on specially adapted Hornby set. Journey time to Varadkarville from anywhere in the country will be an average of instantaneous.

Varadkar “Rebranded”

Thursday, March 10th, 2011

Transport minister Mr Jauntingkar

Leo Varadkar, who has been appointed Minister for Transport, Tourism & Sport has been radically rebranded to the racy new names “Leo Jauntingkar” and “Leo Sidekar”.

Tourism & Sport supremo Mr Sidekar pictured with a “practice cow” taking the place of a visiting EU head of invasion
The first new title is to be used when he is privatizing public transport or when he gives swathes of the leisure industry away – the titles are interchangeable for sporting events.

Minister For Communications Rejects Claims That Price Increase Will Result In Higher Price

Thursday, September 2nd, 2010

The Minister for Obfuscation, Lethargy & Unnatural Reflexes Eamon Ryan has rejected claims that a 5% rise in electricity prices will result in prices for electricity which are 5% higher.

Small business representatives have claimed that the price rise will result in higher prices which will adversely affect the amount of money they have to pay for electricity.

Eamon Ryan With A Small Glowing Bike
Eamon Ryan Demonstrates A Revolutionary New Glowing Bike At A Condescension Breakfast This Morning

However Minister Ryan pointed out that prices for electricity have fallen 30% recently leading to greater competitiveness of Irish firms. “Obviously that has to be nipped in the bud,” he explained at an early morning Condescension Breakfast attended by jaded press goons and bicycling fans. “The more competitive Irish businesses become, the more people they employ and the greater the strain on our limited resources. The extra job fallout from the extra competitiveness will result in higher carbon emissions and the inevitable extinction of most primates”.

Demonstrating a revolutionary new bike: “The Small Glowing Bicycle”, which is small but glows, the minister delighted and amused the younger members of his audience, whilst at the same time explaining that he had now denied the correlation between price rises and higher prices and that was that.

Eamon Ryan: “Green”

Friday, July 24th, 2009

Concluding our Green Party mini-series of clips is Eamon Ryan (pictured below in pre-Faustian times).

When we first broadcast this sketch the Green Party on Twitter accused us of believing Pat Rabittes “lies” about Green TDs on bikes being followed in cars by government drivers. This is nonsense of course. We don’t rely on Pat Rabitte for lies. We are self-sufficient in that regard.

Also, it’s not a lie.

Cast: Morgan C Jones: Various Dermot Carmody: Eamon Ryan

 

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Taxi Chaos Hits Airport

Tuesday, February 17th, 2009

Taxi drivers this morning began picketing Dublin Airport from 11am. Initially none of them turned up but then a thousand of them rang in saying they’d been round Cork Airport two or three times and couldn’t find number 24.

The taxi drivers are protesting at the issuing of too many taxi licenses which they say is endangering their livelihood. The licensing authority rush released 12,000 licenses this morning to cope with a sudden absence of taxis in Dublin City Centre.

A separate group of drivers are also planning to march from Parnell Square to Government Building later today but there is some dispute amongst these protesters as to whether to go by the quays at that hour.