In which we follow the fate of star-crossed lovers Enda and Eamon, from tenatative messages left on phones to a tender proposal at a tryst behind Leo Varadker’s Cage.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 1st 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

Glenroe; The Star-Crossed Lovers [ 2:19 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Emergency is broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries every weekday on The David Harvey Show (9-11am) and repeated on The Home Run with Brian McColl after 4pm.

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Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has announced a 20-year plan to increase the number of Irish speakers from around 85,000 to 250,000.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen demonstrates the new ministerial novelty fada

“My Government has led by example in this area”, claimed the well known Offaly landmark at Government Buildings yesterday, gamely shouting above festive cries of “Speak English, you rebel bastard!” and “Allez les autres!” from passers-by.

“Although we have not actually increased the amount of Irish spoken”, the Taoiseach-like entity claimed, “we have dramatically decreased the amount of functional or interpetrable English been spoken, thereby creating a linguistic vacuum for the Irish language in the future”

Among measures to increase the number of people speaking Irish, it is being proposed that members of cabinet will wear novelty fadas on their heads when on official business. Additionally all state documents will be made available in ogham, providing a much-needed boost to the ailing rock-notching industry.

The Irish government has confirmed that the IMF has arrived in Dublin to have a look around.

Government sources have said there is “no bailout negotiation” going on with the IMF and ECB. The Tánaiste Mary Coughlan has denied that the 12.5% corporate tax is among the things being not negotiated. “In the context of the non-negotiation of a deal with the IMF, corporate tax rates are not negotiable” she explained in the Dáil earlier.

Diagram Indicating Destination Of IMF Funds NOT Currently Being Negotiated

Meanwhile on RTE News the Minister for Drawing & Running & Kicking A Ball, Mary Hanafin has said the negotiations which are NOT taking place are “Not just about debt”. They are about stabilising the banking system, which is owned by and has nothing to do with the state. The additional 10s of billions of debt involved in the negotiations which are not taking place are a side issue.

Meanwhile journalists contacting The Department of Finance seeking information about the negotiations which are NOT taking place as this piece goes to press, have been advised to “Give the IMF a call”. However the Dept. of Finance has claimed that it provided far more information. “We told the journalists they could phone the IMF it’s true, but we did point out they could also follow the IMF on twitter and/or ‘like’ them on FaceBook”.

The Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen and other government ministers have mentioned that the loan which is NOT being negotiated with the IMF could form a contingency fund only to be used if things get a bit rocky and definitely not until after the IMF have gone home.

People of Ireland! Only YOU can stamp out kitchen press scum. Use Democracy Sensibly

Claims that the well-known blimp and Acting Taoiseach, Brian Cowen is now in a stable and unassailable position at the head of government look in doubt again as the puffed-up Offaly man slipped his moorings at The National Ploughing Championships (which are not just about ploughing) in Athy.

Mr Cowen was showing leadership by deliberately allowing his body to become full of gas to the point where he started to float, and allowing businesses to advertise on his bloated airborne body. All went well at first as a record crowd watched the much-loved carouser float high above the sodden fields of Athy.

But delight turned to terror when the upward momentum of the soaring Acting Taoiseach ripped the hairy twine from the child holding him on the ground, and the blimp-politician was blown away in the wind.

“We’re very upset at loosing the Taoiseach just when we had so much confidence in him,” confessed a starey Minister For Finance Brian Lenihan to reporters. “However there is an automatic gas-release mechanism built into the Taoiseach and we anticipate he will come to ground later today”.

There are some concerns that the blimp-Taoiseach will cause problems for air traffic, but these were allayed by further reassurances from Mr. Lenihan: “There is a doomsday failsafe in case the primary gas release mechanism fails,” he explained. “If he hasn’t come to earth in the normal course of events we will schedule an emergency interview on the radio first thing tomorrow morning which will enable any remaining gas to escape from a number of the Taoiseach’s, erm, valves”.

The mishap has not affected the National Ploughing Championships (which are not just about ploughing) where there have been record attendances. Speaking there yesterday, President McAleese, herself a keen harrower, attributed the turnout to a combination of the Irish People’s Great Spirit and massively high levels of unemployment.

The Cabinet reconvened yesterday to compare tans for the first time since the end of the St Patrick’s Day junket season which finished just before the summer break.

Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan briefed his ministerial colleagues on the situation regarding Anglo Irish Bank, which announced last Tuesday that it had made an €8.2 billion loss for the first six months of the year. His colleagues now sagely favour an orderly wind down of the bank over a 372 year period.

Green Party Ministers informed ministerial colleagues that they now prefer “… a quicker wind-down of the government…er….bank….we mean bank. Not government. No….Ow! Stop giving me a Chinese wrist burn…I’m telling”.

Meanwhile, the Government’s discussion with the European Commission on Anglo is also expected to conclude this month, in which timeframe the crippled ‘bank’ will have sucked millions more euro to oblivion like Ivor Callely on an expenses cheque.

Mr Lenihan and acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen also held discussions on the estimates for the upcoming December budget, which will seek €3 billion in cutbacks and taxes – government sources have been floating the proposal since last week that up to €39 million of this could be raised through compulsory sale of the firstborn of each family to members of the Saudi royal family as “pets”. Other less extreme plans will save another €73 million, including rendering the elderly for saleable food and possessions; and a controversial ’come-all-ye” levy to be imposed on The Furey Brothers, The High Kings, The Chieftains and Brian Kennedy. Davey Arthur is to be exempted

Mighty Jabba the Health warned that the scale of cuts in the health budget next year will be “erronia thakk agba orree..ho ho ho ho ho” and will have serious consequences for health services.

In a related story, undead Anglo Irish Bank is to target a number of key international ‘players’ with new products designed to entice inward investment to the institution based on the strength of the national bank guarantee.

A member of the international investment community receives one of Anglo’s mailshots

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen today took a well earned break from fisting the economy to death by leading a St Patrick’s Day march in Chicago.

Mr Cowen will later this week travel to Washington where he will play the stage Irish card and present a crystal bowl of weeds to US President Barack Obama. This will be his second time to make a presentation to the leader of the free world but will differ in two key respects from last year. Firstly the crystal bowl will not be manufactured in Ireland as we no longer have an indigenous cut crystalware industry; secondly Mr Cowen’s autocue camera will have a big picture of a pint above it with a sign reading “THIS IS YOUR SPEECH DOPE” above that to prevent a repeat of last year’s faux pas when Mr Cowen tried to deliver the president’s speech in error.

The acting Taoiseach will return with plenty of duty free in just over a week and is expected to commence work on his forthcoming autobiography.

A rough of the cover of acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s autobiography

Lovingly captured on on a videogramatical cylinder this performance formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009. This marked the performance debut of the song “Hey Brian”.

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Brian Cowen artist, singer, mimic and Taoiseach has hit out at the feckless population of Ireland, whom he holds responsible for the current economic crisis.

Opening a big shiny building in Dublin, the Taoiseach slammed the “Complacency” of people who think that merely by loosing their job, taking a pay cut, paying levies and/or booking passage on the Sheepstealer Special to the Antipodes, they have done their bit.

“I am appalled by the happy-go-luck, devil-may-care attitude of ordinary people and I must warn you all: you’re still ear deep in the shite”.

A spokesman for the electorate expressed surprise at the Taoiseach’s remarks. “We were having a party before Mr. Cowen brought this unfortunate state of affairs to our attention this morning”, he confirmed. “We’ve been completely foolish and would like to apologise unreservedly to the Taoiseach and the government for ruining the country like a bunch of gadflys”.

The Taoiseach is expected to launch an attack on lacksadaisical pensioners in a major speech soon.

The Labour Party has called on the government to appoint a business bloke to the cabinet as Minister For All That Businessy Stuff. The new Ministry would be responsible for encourage business, businesslike stuff, stuff that’s done by business blokes, cool ideas for business things, the business, making business work, putting business first, prioritising business instead of pursuing the failed policy of “not prioritising business”, putting Ireland’s best business foot forward, stimulating business and the business of business and breakfast networking meetings.

Several names have been touted to fill the suggested post of Minister For All That Businessy stuff including leading entrepreneurs, former EU commissioners and a geezer who’s always walking past the Labour Party HQ window wearing an incredibly sharp suit on.

A press release from the Labour party states that “Labour wants to focus on getting people back into jobs and our research has suggested that this is something to do with business”.

The Taoiseach has welcomed the suggestion but has said he feels a teacher would be of more benefit in such a role because “we’ve loads of them”.