Hey There Handsome! Ireland Is Open For Business

Tuesday, May 24th, 2011
IRELAND IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS

IRELAND IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS....what that really means

Yanks send your bombers; Brits send your hens. Big corporation? Cruising for a bit of “double Irish”? European? Into treaty-play? We mean no until you make us mean yes. Bankers? Bailouts? We’re in! Fancy a troika? We’ll do everything except Greek…

Official Frenzy Ahead Of Royal Shutdown

Monday, May 16th, 2011
"All Your Base Are Belong To One" Her Most Benign Malignancy Elizabeth Regina in reflective mood.

"All Your Base Are Belong To One" Her Most Benign Malignancy Elizabeth Regina in reflective mood.

Frumpy Ardoyne housewife Mary McAleese has been “hoovering all week”; Edna Kenny, Ireland’s first female Taoiseach has been “practicing pulling my foirelock until my scalp bleeds” and Ireland as a whole has been put on a shutdown unseen in the history of the State.

Observing the level of disruption heaped upon the cowed populace of our ersatz republic, one British security operative has offered the opinion that the 1916 Rising could have been put down by the announcement of a pending visit by an octogenarian Londoner and her dodgy Greek beau.

Meanwhile the country braces itself for further enforced optimism at the hands of the Continuity Coalition as they gear up to sell as “a tourist bonanza” another week of road closures for Obama’s whistlestop “elect me please I’m Irish” visit to impress the folks back home.

In other Royal jaunt news, former Taoiseach John Bruton – who famously described the State visit of Prince Charles in 1995 as “the happiest day of my life” – has been admitted to hospital. Doctors say that despite battling for hours, they are unable to stifle his priapic erection.

Post Stress Test Disorder (Broadcast on 4fm 01.04.11)

Friday, April 1st, 2011

The Taoiseach and the Minister for Finance seek to reassure the Irish people in the wake of the devastating results of the stress tests on the Irish banks.

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Enda Kenny And The Dáil Sing “What I Want” (Broadcast on 4fm 28.03.11)

Monday, March 28th, 2011

Prompted by a question to the Taoiseach from Sinn Féin Leader, Gerry Adams, Enda Kenny is joined by Michael, Noonan, Micheál Martin, Eamon Gilmore, Joe Higgins, Luke Ming Flanagan and eventually by everybody as the Dáil descends into song.

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Morning Call (Broadcast on 4fm 21.03.11)

Monday, March 21st, 2011

In which a jet-lagged and somewhat confused Enda Kenny arrives home from Washington and wakes up Michael Noonan.
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Enda Goes To Washington Part 2 (Broadcast on 4fm 17.03.11)

Thursday, March 17th, 2011

In which Enda Kenny comes under pressure from Obama to repeat a joke for which he is famous with unfortunate consequences.
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New Common EU Tax Base Not Welcome At Our Tradesman’s Entrance – Kenny

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011

The European Commissioner for Taxation has launched proposals for a creative cunning company-creaming common consolidated corporate tax base (CCCCCCCTB). The idea is to reduce costs for foreign multi-nationals who would only have to fill in one tax return instead of up to 27 and to cut down on administrative overheads for individual EU states who would be “spared the bother of counting all those dollars”.

One Cent

Ireland's Projected Corporate Tax Take Under The New Proposal

Commissioner Algirdas Givemetax explained that corporate tax would be gathered at EU level and then divided up amionst member states using a terribly clever formula taking into account such factors as:

  • Representation of a corporation in each state
  • Proportion of population in member states speaking German as a first language
  • Proportion of popultaion in member states who know all the words La Marseillaise
  • Whether or not member states were perceived to have “partied” in the 90s off the back of impoverished Franco-German behemoths
  • Degree to which each member state can be described as “Ireland”

Taoiseach Enda Kenny said he would engage with the commission in discussion on the proposed CCCCCCCTB, but that he suspected this was a way of reducing Irish corporate tax rates by the back door.

“I am pledged to safeguard Ireland’s back door,” said Mr. Kenny as he was redirected to the correct gate for departure to Washington earlier today. “Enda Kenny’s not about to let Europe in this country’s tradesman’s entrance. That stable door has been bolted against the horses of eurocratic tyranny”.

The Taoiseach had tears in his eyes as he spoke. This later turned out to be due not to emotion or patriotism, but to an abrasion to the scalp received when being carried shoulder-high by four Mayomen through pre-flight immigration.

Enda Goes To Washington Part 1 (Broadcast on 4fm 15.03.11)

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011

In which Michael Noonan helps Enda pack for his St. Patrick’s Day trip to Washington and briefs him on some vital points of Ireland-US diplomacy.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 15th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

 

 

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Ming’s Mushroom Soup (Broadcast on 4fm 14.03.11)

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011

In which Ming messes with the menu in Dáil Eireann to the detriment of Enda Kenny and Michael Noonan.

Enda Kenny

Enda Kenny After A Tasty Dail Luncheon

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Psychologists Classify New Rational Fear

Thursday, March 10th, 2011

The Emergency is pleased to reveal a new word recently classified by psychologists – and it’s about to enter the pages of the forthcoming edition of the Oxford English Dictionary!

Triskaiendakennaphobia [n.] pron:tris-ku-ENDAKENNY- fo-bee- uh (from Greek tris meaning “3”, kaienda meaning “teenth-taoiseach-inda”, kenna meaning “kinny” and phobia meaning “fear” or “morbid fear”) is a perfectly rational fear of Enda Kenny; it is related to a specific fear of the13th Taoiseach, called kontiuondaworkofdamaFFiaphobia or friggedoverabarrellbydaeuaphobia.