Professor Brendan D’luckyfuck is pictured leaving the HSE

The familiar of Mighty Jabba the Health and head of the Huge Senseless Executive (HSE), Professor Brendan D’luckyfuck, has announced he will not seek to have his contract renewed when his term comes to an end next year.

Speaking this afternoon, Prof D’luckyfuck said: “When I came into this post I said that I would be here for a five-year period.

“I won’t be seeking a renewal of my contract next year but that doesn’t say that over the next I don’t have a huge mess to consolidate” he told The Emergency

Prof D’luckyfuck said he felt his five-year term in charge showed his “commitment for the country” in changing the system into something even more unwieldly than regional health boards. “I preside over a national health board containing all of the old regional health boards – before the HSE came along, each of these regional boards had to waste money and resources independently of eachother – now all that can be done centrally at the flick of a switch” he said – though he did later phone to say it was really at the flick of several different switches left over from the old wiring plan, “[and] one big new one”

He said there was a challenge to change the system over the period he was in charge and it was important “to keep a focus on changing deadlines or something gets done”.

Prof D’luckyfuck added that he was afraid of staying in the post for too long saying “ten years for me is actually too long for somebody to keep getting away with murder”.

“This is a massive challenge and one we need to see in the context of where we’ve come from. At least the health service is now in the midst of transformation . . . as opposed to before my tenure, when it was constantly…er….changing. We have delivered between five and six hundred million in savings a year over the past couple of years”. Thats the equivalent of a single man on the average national wage not using a five euro note to light the fire this year or last year.

“At least now we have put in place detailed performance measures . . . we now have a fabulous primary-care infrastructure going in across this country,” Prof D’luckyfuck said. “People said it wouldn’t happen, and will still have the opportunity to say this when it is supposed to be in place by the end of 2012.

However, he added: “We are going to have to take out over a couple of years 6,000 jobs or alternatively we’re going to have to reduce what we spend in other areas, including on pay – it’ll be a struggle to keep management and administration staff on otherwise, in the face of the ongoing cost of putting up with these pesky sick people, they’re the real problem.”

Prof D’luckyfuck will sadly be unlikely to benefit from any form of therapy for his chronic delusions, but hey at least he didn’t light the fire with a fiver the last couple of years, eh?

In a late breaking shock development on reports in yesterday’s Irish Sunday Ihateforiegners concerning misuse of a state car and driver by the Attorney General’s dog, scientists at University College Oughterard have this morning revealed that a parasitic fungus has for several years been driven around at tax payers’ expense in official vehicles and even on the government jets.

The fungus, which is scum like in appearance and consistency, has been identified and classified as F1-ANA-FA11, a most dangerous and persistent parasite according to Dr Pearse Lobe of the TCD Dept of Political Science at UCO: “This thing is tenacious, motivated and worst of all cornered – and it knows only one thing, namely how to survive…on about €4K a day in some extreme cases we’ve seen in the lab”

It seems that there is little hope of respite from the ongoing drain on public resourses. F1-ANA-FA11 and it’s associated symbiotes 1-XPD and TWATS seem set to ravage the country for some forseeable time; but is there any hope? Dr Pearse Lobe thinks that there may be.

“Some of us are pinning our hopes on H1-N1 wiping them all out” he told reporters

Minister for Defence Willie O’Dea pictured earlier last week relaxing in Limerick

There was massive relief in Western Society today as the World Health Organisation revealed that a study has shown no ill-effects for tourists who encounter malnutrition or hunger.

There had been some concern as a billion people are undernourished globally, some of them in countries with beautiful scenery and airports. Tension swept the UK when two people in Scotland reported to their GP feeling “peckish” and “somewhat fatigued on return from holiday in Africa where they had encountered some starving people. However the National Facility For Keeping It Over There at Glasgow Central Hospital confirmed that these incidents were no the sign of a pandemic, but were in fact due somewhat undersized flight food and a broken excalator at Glasgow International Airport.

Meanwhile a man who reportedly exploded in Canada as a result of visiting the Balkans and travelling near an area riddled with old landmines has been confirmed as a false alarm. The gentleman in question had merely accidentally shouted in Toronto, where they are unused to sudden loud noises.

The WHO has confirmed that it advises governments in Western Societies to focus on odd viral outbreaks for now