It has emerged that Patch Healy Rae, a 2-yr-old Jack Russell dog belonging to Jackie Healy-Rae, was appointed to the State Injuries Board just days before Kerry TD Jackie Healy-Rae announced his support for the recent budget.

State Board Appointee Patch Healy-Rae

The government has defended the appointment in a statement which says:

“Master Healy-Rae is a qualified dog with 14 doggy-years experience in the area of injuries. Only last week he injured a postman, a local Sinn Fein member and Mr. Healy-Rae himself, whom he mistook for an unusually large squeaky toy. Appointing minority groups, such as dogs, to State Boards is part of an ongoing policy of social inclusion at all levels of government and administration in the state”.

Sources have denied that a fish belonging to Michael Lowry is hotly tipped to be appointed to the board of Bord na gCon. A senior civil servant paused briefly from loading his massive bonus into the boot of his Mercedes to point out that appointing a fish to a dog-related board was stupid. He hinted that a cute rabbit belonging to Jackie Healy-Rae’s niece Jacqui Healy-Rae might be in the running.

Irish politics is in shock and disarray today following the release of a US diplomatic cable quoting then-Taoiseach Bertie Ahern and giving the opinion that the words uttered by the much-loved trickster were “substantively incapable of being proved to be one hundred percent false”.

The unnamed member of the US diplomatic corps sent a report on a high level meeting with the anoraked cash enthusiast in Fagan’s of Drumcondra. In the course of the conversation Ahern is said to have alleged that Sinn Fein leaders Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness were “aware” of the IRA. This only one of the more shocking of several things Ahern is alleged to had said. Other assertions made by the North Dublin Envelopolgist included:

• Mr. Ahern’s belief that Ireland is a luckocracy
• Mr. Ahern’s belief that there is a link between Christmas and annual sharp decline in the turkey population
• Mr. Ahern’s belief in Mr. Ahern

Bertie Ahern Presents George W Bush With An Irish Money Bush

The cable gives the opinion that Mr. Ahern poses no potential threat to US interests in the region but that he represents a clear and present danger to Ireland’s interests. It also recommends that the US security authorities give clearance to Mr. Ahern to present then US President George W Bush with and example of one of the small “money bushes” where Mr. Ahern believed at the time Ireland’s “wealth” was coming from.

End of cosy arrangement on pairing in sight

Tánaiste and Minister for Edukayshun and Sckills Mary Coughlan is reported to be “only fucken spittin so she is” after having to cancel a trip to the USA scheduled for this week following the removal of vote pairing by Fine Gael ahead of the resumption of Dáil business – deputies return to Leinster House this Wednesday as the summer recess ends. At the end of September. Summer. Recess.

Fine Gael has moved to remove pairing arrangements after looking up the Internet and discovering that they are an opposition party.

Ms Coughlan’s ire centres on her having to miss “one of the last of them free Yankee Fás hair dos oul Harney used to get”.

In other news, hope is fading for the Green party which hasn’t been seen for days.

Another Endacentric cut, this time from from The Emergency Series 1 Episode 13 (The June 2009 Local & European Election Special).

The scene is the counting centre the day after the elections and Enda and his tallyman, Count von Count assess the scale of Fine Gael’s gains. There’s an unwelcome interruption by Gerry Adams who appears to have left his “mon bog” in Enda’s office.

Cast: Nick McGivney (TV Interviewer), Morgan C Jones (Enda Kenny, Gerry Adams), Dermot Carmody (The Count)

Enda Kenny With The Count At The Count [ 2:21 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Sinn Fein Assembly member Barry McSpraypaint has apologised for apparently endorsing gangs of youths in Tyrone who have been defacing other people by painting them green.

“It is well-known that I am opposed to symbols of British rule in Ireland, such as pink complexions,” explained McSpraypaint, “But I in no way meant for the young lads to go out and paint te faces of ordinary cotizens green in response to this. I realise now that this constitutes vandalism under the rules of the Assmebly and wish to apologise unrservedly whilst at the same time saying ‘In Yer Face Ye Pile Of Pasty Brits’.”

A similar apology had to be made by a DUP member Sammy McElsunbed last year when it transpired that many of his constitutents, including Catholic nationalists, were being turned orange by a tanning salon in his ownership.

“McElduff Apologises…” BreakingNews.ie 17/2/09