Snake Claims Harrassment

Tuesday, February 1st, 2011

“The harrassment has been unbearable” King Cobra

A King Cobra snake which has been at the centre of allegations of being a poisonous bloodsucker by other creatures had broken it’s silence on what it calls “extreme harassment” by it’s accusers.

Critics of the King Cobra say that he has been fierce, agile, and capable of delivering a large quantity of highly potent venom in a single bite – and that he is one of the most dangerous and feared Asiatic snakes.

The snake today gave his side telling journalists “My life has been hell with these allegations. I have suffered abuse. My family has suffered abuse. Ivor Callely was left on my porch….”

Fine Gael Launches “Obama Style” Website

Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

Fine Gael leader Edna Kenny (Mrs) is joined by members of his front bench at the launch of the party’s new look “Obama Style” website

January 4th 2011 and Fine Gael has come out fighting with a new look “Obama Style” website. The party of new ideas has decided to grapple with the need for a radical new direction in Irish politics by setting up the website as the first step to a dialogue with the electorate.

Edna Kenny (Mrs), the party leader, told reporters that this dialogue would soon be truncated into a “…more traditionally Fine Gael ‘monologue’ or ‘diatribe’ if you will”.

The Fine Gael general election 2011 campaign slogan will mirror Obama’s iconic call to hope of “Yes, We Can” with the more manageable aspiration “Well, We’ll See”. Kenny (Mrs) and his team have already costed their proposed takeover of the reins of power. According to thrusting young firebrand Michael Noonan Fine Gael’s plan to wind down the Seanad is the most cost effective as it has been around the longest. “Also do you see, changing from Fine Fail to Fine Gael will take less tippex than changing to Labour” Mr Noonan honked.

“Not Easy To Run A Wig On €65k” Says Senator Donie Cassidy

Tuesday, October 26th, 2010

Seanad Leader Donie “The Dancing Leprechaun” Cassidy has told reporters ity is not easy to cover living costs, expenses and a bald head on a senator’s basic salary of €65k.

Senator Donie Cassidy With A Squirrel On His Head

Senator Donie Cassidy: Hard To Run Wig On €65K

“Many Senators have a family to support, often their own,” explained the Seanad Leader, whose head is a national park containing a protected species. “We have taken a pay cut and paid our levies. We earn less than judges even though we protect the constitution by selflessly traveling hundreds of miles from our holiday homes to snooze selflessly in the Seanad. I mean, judges, what do they do really that’s so great?”

Senator Cassidy receives a basic salary of around €65,000 as well as an additional payment to cover the extra expenses involved in his role as leader of the Seanad. These expenses include global travel on St Patrick’s Day and a head-mounted leash. Senator Cassidy has denied the extra payment is exorbitant. “It’s only 9 grand more than a fellow on the dole gets. Sure what’s 9 grand in the scheme of things? And ye’re askin’ a lot of questions, me bucko. Is it me pot of gold ye do be after?”.

Senator Cassidy then ended the press conference by dancing a little evil jig and disappearing in what witnesses variously described as “the twinkling of an eye” and “A 10 reg. Mercedes Benz”.

IVOR CALLELY – An Apology

Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

Demands by Ivor Callely for an apology have been widely reported in ‘De Meeja’, a shadowy group recently identified by Fianna Fail’s best minds as being solely responsible for the national and global economic crisis. The perma-tanned West Cork resident says that, since the Seanad investigation of his expenses, he has been wrongly portrayed as a “rogue politician, milking the system and ripping off taxpayers”.

Here at The Emergency we acknowledge Mr Callely’s assertion and are willing to clarify that we are endeavouring to portray Mr Callely as a typical politician, milking the system and ripping off taxpayers. We wish to apologise unreservedly for any confusion or distress caused to any West Cork resident, or indeed anyone who has spent time in coastal north Dublin, taking perhaps, a little rest during a shopping or business trip to the capital.

Senator Callely pictured describing the lovely fluffiness of his beloved West Cork

Deranged Old Bat Denounces Fellow FF Mobster

Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010

Senator Mary O’Rourke pictured this morning just before Dr Phil came on

SENATOR IVOR Callely has brought “shame and dithgrathe” on Fianna Fáil and should be expelled from the party, according to long-serving TD and former minister Mary O’Rourke who went on to denounce scorpions for being “poithonouth” and Dublin’s beloved Spire for being “pointy”.

Mr Callely claimed almost €3,000 from the Oireachtas for the purchase of mobile phones and related services from Alexander Graham Bell a person whom the Companies Registration Office records show had ceased existing.
Read more »

Dan Boyle To Headline Comedy Festival?

Tuesday, August 25th, 2009

dan B
Dan Boyle – zany

Loveable roly poly ‘Green Party’ funnyman Dan (off the) Boyle has been tipped to headline at next month’s 12th annual Perpetual Bulshitt Comedy Festival in Dublin bringing his zany mix of policy kites and his impression of an opponent to coalition bank schemes.

Other familiar faces on the bill for the long running farce-fest are top clowns Cowen & Lenihan, and the ditzy star of the hit sit-com Oh Tainiste! Swearymary Coughlan. There are animal acts for the younger members of the audience, chiefly the charmingly hapless Green Monkey Troupe and the incredible Limerick caterpillar which has a Willie O’Dea stuck to it’s arse.

Audiences can expect a wide variety of up and coming open mike acts, some of whom like young hopeful Enda Kenny hope to hit the big time soon, but feel hampered by a lack of real stage experience. “The thing is, I don’t really do jokes per se” the red cheeked flaxen haired wannabe told us – “I’m far more observational. Its because…I….get to watch….a lot” he concluded before sobbing gently into a nearby Bruton.

The Perpetual Bulshitt Comedy Festival kicks off on Sept 16th with a special performance of Cirque Nama‘s €90billion presentation of a freeform theatre sports improv entitled Who’s Bank Is Screwing Who Now?. Tickets are mandatory and are priced from €26,000 per man, woman and child.

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Enda Kenny – “Us young stand-ups
just aren’t getting the gigs

2906280840078178249wXqkPN_fscaterp Headliner the Limerick caterpillar with a Willie O’Dea stuck to it’s arse pictured taking a break from it’s act – “Jesus lads, ’tis bad enough wearing that gobshite when I’m working is a complete pain in me hoop widout doin it on me day off like”

Donie The Dancing Leprechaun

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

In which Senator Cassidy is apprehended by gold digging American Tourists. First broadcast on Newstalk 106-108 on May 30th 2009.

Cast: Karen Ardiff, Nick McGivney (The Tourists), Dermot Carmody (Donie) and Morgan C Jones (Sen. David Norris)

 

Recorded by Mark @ Mutiny Studios.

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