RTE Apologises For Offending Itself: Pays Itself Compensation: Schedules Debate About Itself On Dodgy Chat Show

Friday, January 31st, 2014

RTE has confirmed that it has received lawyers’ letters from itself, warning itself about comments made on dodgy Saturday night flagship show “The Saturday Night Langer” which potentially defamed itself by saying things.

“We have no idea how anyone was allowed to say things on ‘The Saturday Night Langer'” said an RTE lawyer in words barely discernible from within a pile of used fivers in his outbox. “Saying things is outside the remit of that show and of this broadcaster and we have mortally offended ourselves by this oversight”.

The presenter of The Saturday Night Langer with balanced panel members pictured outside RTE's state of the art bothy before recording of a debate about RTE on RTE.

The presenter of The Saturday Night Langer with balanced panel members pictured outside RTE’s state of the art bothy before recording of a debate about RTE on RTE.

RTE has refused to confirm or deny reports that compensation was paid to itself, but in response to criticism of the removal of one episode of “The Saturday Night Langer”, it has scheduled a special episode of the much loved comafacient in which RTE will be discussed by an invited panel of people from RTE and, to balance that, people to whom RTE has paid compensation.

There has been huge public outcry at the removal of a small section from “The Saturday Night Langer” from the RTE Player, with many pointing out that there are multiple episodes on the player which still need to be removed.

Where Were You…..?

Friday, November 22nd, 2013

A President Lincoln

Thousands still remember the day that they turned on the wireless, 148 years ago this year, to hear veteran newscaster Charles Veteran-Newscaster reading the now legendary news that legendary veteran American President Abraham Lincoln had been assassinated in legendary veteran country America.

Sad Day For Ireland
But where were you when you first heard the news that several years ago an American president had succumbed to a legendary veteran assassin’s bullet?

Conspiracy Theories
What shadowy figures are responsible for cutting this paragraph short? Was it the legendary shadowy veteran Brendan [REDACTED]?

RTE Special Programme of Rememberfulnessness
Legendary veteran State broadcaster RTE will run a special 89 days of programming remembering the life and times of President Lincoln who’s family emigrated en masse from Ballydung Co. Laois one Tuesday afternoon at 3.17pm on March 20th 1798. Probably.

Tubridy Documentary
Legendary veteran young fogey Ryan Tubridy will present a nine part documentary covering the historic visit he made to the Lincoln homestead in Ballydung only 27 years after his birth in leafy Blackrock. Using a state of the art onion Tubridy visibly holds back tears as he looks off camera toward the runner holding his latte.

But Seriously, WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU? Eh? Eh?
The RTE book which ties in with the series I Never Met Lincoln But He Was Tall And Wore Suits Too Just Like Me by Ryan Tubridy is available from all good State broadcasters just I’m time for Xmas. It is an offense not to own a copy and offenders face a fine or 12 month prison sentence in legendary veteran prison Mountjoy Jail

SAFE TO WATCH TELLY AGAIN – Final 3 Way Debate Concludes

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011

RTE wundermilf Miriam O’Callaghan pictured in the Primetime studio with the three party leaders ahead of last night’s final televised 3 way debate

The three main party leaders last night clashed on banks, the economy and the health service in the final leaders’ debate which was hosted by RTE wundermilf Miriam O’Callaghan.

Fianna Fáil leader Larry accused Fine Gael’s Moe and Labour leader Curly of seeking to conceal the pain their policies would cause.

However, Moe and Curly turned their fire on Larry saying “Woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo” and “C’mere you! Why I oughtta..”.

The debate was predictably dominated by banking and the economy.
Both opposition stooges said the Government had done a bad deal with the EU and the IMF and botched the bank guarantee.

Larry insisted his Government’s actions had been endorsed by both Abbot and Costello as well as most of the speaking members of the Marx Brothers.

The differences between Fine Gael and Labour on cutting public sector numbers and reforming the health services were evident but the slapstick was cordial.

The Little Tramp or “voters” as they are more commonly known will have their chance to vote for a Laurel & Hardy government on Friday. This follows consistent warnings of late by Curly of the dangers of a Laurel minority government.

Hanafin Speaks For 8 Minutes On Frontline – Says Nothing

Monday, January 17th, 2011

Local busybody Ms Gulch on the Frontline

Minister for Arse All and Antics Mary Hanafin has tonight spectacularly used an appearance on the RTE current affairs shouty zoo The Frontline to dramatically say nothing in particular about her confidence or otherwise in acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen.

Part of a panel of candidates running in the so called “Constituency of Death”, Ms Hanafin refused to be drawn on her voting intentions ahead of tomorrow’s confidence motion in the Fianna Fail leader but shocked Pat Kenny by threatening to “Fix you my pretty [Kenny], and your little dog too”.

Two audience members were impressed by a column of red smoke which appeared to engulf her, but all were disappointed when she failed to disappear. Viewers phoning RTE were also impressed that Ms Hanafin had brought one of her flying monkey bell hops with her but it has been pointed out that it was actually Green Minister of State Ciaran Cuffe.

In other news, Mary Harney has objected to RTE using the term “Constituency of Death” to describe Dun Laoghaire. A spokesfluke for Ms Harney has pointed out that her constituency is Dublin Mid West.

Listen To The Radio! We’re Graaaaaand!!

Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010

Here is the news. Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s position is described today as “unassailable”. Mr Cowen himself has been lauded internationally as a “paragon of sobriety, wit and sagacity”.

Ireland is “fundamentally the most stable economy in the solar system” according to the international financial markets. Europe thinks we are “only massive so we are”.

A high ranking spokesman for the EU told RTFF news today that negative opinions, expressed by the tiny minority of whingers and begrudgers opposed to sensible government policies, are “unhelpful and uncalled for”. The official urged an end to this wholly unnecessary practice.

Science minister Fredo Lenihan has announced the creation of a million jobs in a proposed factory producing church approved teaching aids. That’ll be great.

That’s all for now, RTFF news will be back at noon, and remember we’re broadcasting all this year from the ploughing championships.

RTE Planning Inquiry Held

Monday, September 20th, 2010

“And Nation Shall Telephone Itself And Whine Unto…Er…Nation” the inscription over the door of the proposed new RTE centre for 2025 (repeated at 2350 RTE2)

A planning inquiry has opened into RTÉ’s €350 million Project 2025, which involves the gradual replacement of Larry Gogan, Marty Whelan, Maxi and a host of other RTE A-listers at Montrose, in Donnybrook, Dublin.

The State-owned broadcaster is seeking permission for the gradual consolidation of all of its activities across television, radio and online as well as in publishing and the arts, into a new purpose built complex modeled on Joe Duffy’s head to be situated on seven hectares (17 acres) at the northern end of its 13 hectare (32 acre) site.

RTÉ director general Cathal Goan said existing buildings, which permanently house Late Late Show ‘guests for life’ may be opened as a kind of petting zoo.

However, while Director General Cathal Goan told the inquiry this afternoon RTÉ could not afford to forgo the redevelopment, objections have been lodged by local residents. An Taisce has also appealed. The appellants are expected to be heard tomorrow afternoon.

Appeals for a better standard of progammes will not be heard. Ever. Sure aren’t we great craic altogether? Hah? Hah? Are ye up fer de match? Hah? Hah?

Nation’s Anger At Joe Duffy Summer Recess

Tuesday, July 13th, 2010

There is huge anger reported among The Plain People Of Ireland who feel “deserted”, “let down” and “confused” as broadcaster, wit & raconteur Joe Duffy absents himself from the Liveline hotseat for his summer holliers.

Numerous incidents of people having no one to moan to in a crisis were reported throughout the country today and yesterday as Duffy (97) scarpered leaving popular Irish royal, Philip Boucher-Hayes dazed with a microphone and a rotary dial telephone deep in the bowels of the RTE Radio Centre.

Joe Duffy (L) relaxes with Bono & Ali Hewson On Launch Traveling To Roman Abramovich’s Yacht In Tramore Yesterday

Aggie O’Toole (107) from Castlepollard, Co. Westmeath was among the first to suffer as she attempted to ring Joe Duffy to clear up a problem with her guttering. “Me guttering is banjaxed, it’s a disgrace. What do i tell my children and my children’s children who will have to pay for this mess?” she whinged when it became apparent that a beardless presenter was dealing with her call.

Meanwhile avid collector of Eamon Coughlan’s laces, Gerard McDermott of Greater Galway, was fuming when he realised he was left with no avenue, recourse or clue in Mr. Duffy’s absence. McDermott had recently bought what purported to be genuine Coughlan Indoor Laces from the 1983 season. The Chairman Of The Boards broke the world indoor mile record for the third time that season and the laces, which he didn’t use but which it was alleged he might have, fetched a five figure sum in frenzied eBay bidding. However when the laces arrived by post it was immediately apparent from the fluting on the ends that these were a later pair probably not even seen by noted Olympian Coughlan (114).

“With the Dáil not in session and the recent short-sighted banning of paramilitary organisations, my only hope was banging on about this to Joe Duffy,” lamented Mister McDermott. “It’s a poor lookout when I have have to write to Ian O’Doherty in the Irish Independent and hope for the worst. We might as well hand the keys of the country to the feckin’ Queen of England whenever she arrives”.

A spokesbeard for Mr. Duffy sympathised with the Plain People but insisted that constitutionally his client was just some bloke and not actually a human right.

“I hear the people and I feel their pain,” he dissembled smarmily whilst driving his taxi on the Inchicore road, “But Joe is taking a much needed break. He will be back in a matter of weeks and will be prepared to listen to any amount of crapulent victimhood as per usual”.

The Taoiseach Mr. Cowen has confirmed that Joe Duffy is of Systemic Importance to the Irish economy and that if necessary the government will step in to pay his wages.

The Frontline Liveblog

Monday, September 21st, 2009

Pat Kenny hosts the replacement for “Questions & Answers” on RTE 1 tonight. What could possibly go wrong?

Join in on Twitter (can be done while still roaring at the set), hashtag #rtefl. Tis embedded here also.