Fine Gael, a loose grouping of people not in Fianna Fail, are to demand that the entire Financial Regulatory Board be replaced in a motion to be debated tonight in the Dáil.

Fine Gael Finance Spokesman Richard Brutal says the Financial Regulator should be replaced by an armed force empowered to shoot on sight. “It’s time to kick arse”, he confirmed to 2irish News today, “for too long members of the banking community have been allowed to do what they like without fear of being mowed down in a hail of fiery death”.

Fine Gael are also seeking to have bankers’ incomes capped at €250,000, representing a 1000% cut on average and to have the so called “Golden Circle Of 10″ named publicly. Labout is thought to be considering tabling an amendment to the motion which additionally calls for the Silver Ellipse of 25 names suspected of owning more than five Louis Copeland suits and the Bronze Penumbra of 560 whom they believe have “fairly big cars” to be named and shamed in the Dáil as well.

Asked to comment on the proposed move, the current chairman of the Financial Regulatory Board told 2irish news “Fair Play To Them”. Then ten minutes later he rang back calling the move “A disgrace”.

The government is planning a scheme whereby long term unemployed will retain their dole whilst returning to work, 2irish News has learned by reading the paper. Read more »

Intel CEO in Ireland Craig Barefacedliar has announced that no jobs are to go at Intel in Ireland except for the 300 jobs which Intel in Ireland announced are to go today.

Some weeks ago Mr. Barefacedliar said Intel would be shedding 1000 jobs worldwide but that no jobs in Ireland were in danger.

Mr. Barefaced Liar has now assured 2irish News that no further jobs are to go in Ireland. Unless more jobs go in Ireland. He further assured us that all the jobs currently not going would be voluntary redundancies.

A list of the volunteers will be sent to them tomorrow.

RTE News Intel cuts Irish jobs despite assurances 17/02/09

The former chairman of Anglo Irish Thieves, Sean FitzBorrows is refusing to appear in front of the Dáil Committee on Regulated Thievery to explain loans of millions of euro to him by Anglo Irish and by Irish Life & Purloinment. Mr Fitzborrows’ spokesgoon has said that he has been advised by his lawyers not to appear before the committee to answer questions publicly as this would mean that everyone would know what had happened.

It is common practise in the world of Regulated Thievery for many millions to be moved around in this fashion according to the spokesgoon, and it is not in the interests of “anyone who matters a feck to us” to know why, when, where or how much is involved.

Early trading on the Irish Magic Bean Exchange this morning again saw heavy losses in irish Thievery Stock, following the downgrading of Ireland to “Pretty Much F*cked” by the influentital Knackered and Poor.

Taxi drivers this morning began picketing Dublin Airport from 11am. Initially none of them turned up but then a thousand of them rang in saying they’d been round Cork Airport two or three times and couldn’t find number 24.

The taxi drivers are protesting at the issuing of too many taxi licenses which they say is endangering their livelihood. The licensing authority rush released 12,000 licenses this morning to cope with a sudden absence of taxis in Dublin City Centre.

A separate group of drivers are also planning to march from Parnell Square to Government Building later today but there is some dispute amongst these protesters as to whether to go by the quays at that hour.

The arse has fallen out of the international Arse markets this morning as reaction to the reaction continues. Leading Arse trader in Dublin, Kevin O’Buggernotagain, explained that the overabundance of arse has led to a glut with the Universal Non-adjusted Bespoke End-aware Light and Industrial Euro-corrected Validatable Escalated Arse Balance (Low End) (UNBELIEVEAB(LE)) bottoming out at 2% of it’s previous high reached last year during the rush to Arse as traders sought to deny reality.

“There’s so much Arse out there you can’t sell in the current market,” he sobbed as he plummeted to the hard, cold sidewalk below.

Trading in the controversial US Arse Futures market was suspended yesterday and will remain suspended until it becomes certain that Sarah Palin will be fecking off back to Alaska.

Meanwhile the Irish Government has moved to guarantee Irish Arse deposits.

“The state will ensure that there is more than sufficient Arse in Ireland well into the next decade,” promised Minister Of State for Whatever, Sharon O’Pleasegiveusabreak.