Recession Over As Fast, Agile Dolphin Gives Nation A Lift

Tuesday, June 21st, 2011

A particularly fast and agile dolphin has raised the beleaguered spirits of the nation. The bottle-nosed male dolphin, has been affectionately dubbed “De Dolphin” by locals in West Cork.

Wee Hop

“De Dolphin” has been spotted by fishermen and people in local pleasure craft swimming “pretty quickly” and even on occasions “giving a little hop up out of de water, like” off the coast of Cork near Kinsale.

Tides

Legendary dolphin “Fungi”, speaking through a translator and 25 foot of water off dingle, has tipped “De Dolphin” to kick on from here and break many of the Kerry veteran’s own records. “for such a young dolphin he really is good at swimming fast. I predict he’ll get faster and faster and may ultimately affect tides and currents worldwide”, he claimed.

De Dolphin

Can Swim: De Dolphin

Taoiseach: Snot

Taoiseach Enda Kenny rushed inappropriately to congratulate “De Dolphin”. “When I look at ‘De dolphin'”, he sobbed, “I see not just a talented cetecean but the very embodiment of the Irish people’s beauty of spirit and their determination to overcome every obstacle I and my government place in their path. When ‘De Dolphin’ gives his little hops up out of the water, Ireland rejoices and I cry like a girl until my face dissolves into a raw red snotfest”.

irish?

De Dolphin is originally from Spain, has lived most of his life near Iceland and carries a British passport.

Official Frenzy Ahead Of Royal Shutdown

Monday, May 16th, 2011
"All Your Base Are Belong To One" Her Most Benign Malignancy Elizabeth Regina in reflective mood.

"All Your Base Are Belong To One" Her Most Benign Malignancy Elizabeth Regina in reflective mood.

Frumpy Ardoyne housewife Mary McAleese has been “hoovering all week”; Edna Kenny, Ireland’s first female Taoiseach has been “practicing pulling my foirelock until my scalp bleeds” and Ireland as a whole has been put on a shutdown unseen in the history of the State.

Observing the level of disruption heaped upon the cowed populace of our ersatz republic, one British security operative has offered the opinion that the 1916 Rising could have been put down by the announcement of a pending visit by an octogenarian Londoner and her dodgy Greek beau.

Meanwhile the country braces itself for further enforced optimism at the hands of the Continuity Coalition as they gear up to sell as “a tourist bonanza” another week of road closures for Obama’s whistlestop “elect me please I’m Irish” visit to impress the folks back home.

In other Royal jaunt news, former Taoiseach John Bruton – who famously described the State visit of Prince Charles in 1995 as “the happiest day of my life” – has been admitted to hospital. Doctors say that despite battling for hours, they are unable to stifle his priapic erection.

Quinn Insurance – We Let The Little Things Look After The Big Thing

Thursday, May 5th, 2011

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By everyone, we mean of course US and not YOU. Got it? Good. Now….GET OFF MY LAND PEASANTS!

Dáil Not “Getting Any Dáil-ier” As Bertie Bows Out

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

Iar Taoiseach Bertie Ahern gamboling and frolicking in the specially constructed pension(s) vault under his , Beresford, Drumcondra home

Former taoiseach Bertie Ahern left them rolling with laughter in the dole queues saying today that he wished “somebody somewhere” had warned him about the looming economic catastrophe while he was in power.

On his last ever full day in the Dáil, Mr Ahern also listed his failed attempt to build a national sports stadium – nicknamed the Bertie Bowl – among his biggest regrets because nothing distracts idiots like a match somewhere.

The former MaFFianna Fáil don is among a string of high-profile figures in the party who are standing down from the Cosa Nostra at the General Election next month.

Speaking about his failure to develop a sports stadium despite spending multiples of tax payers’ money on it, the loveable Drumcondra crim said “Unfortunately, when I see little countries like Qatar and Kuwait and everyone in the World Cup talking about their tent stadiums, and we never succeeded in getting one national stadium,” he told RTÉ radio. “That’s an achievement I tried hard to do but I did have a tent”

“You wouldn’t see the leaders of those places puttin up wid all these whingers and moaners trying to get on the telly and radio complaining about the government neither” said the man who once described himself as “The last limb severing Saudi prince in the

Fianna Fail Appointments Announcement

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Disgraced Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern Spotted On Google Streetview

Sunday, January 23rd, 2011

Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has reportedly been spotted on Google’s Street View.
In the images the politician appear “in and around” properties in the Dublin 9 area.
Street View was launched in Ireland in late 2010 after Google’s camera vehicles collected imagery from some 51,000 miles of road over two years.
The programme contains imagery that is already visible from public roads and photographs are taken at a point in time and are not live images.

Looking Stern, Making It Up

Thursday, November 25th, 2010

Honohan Downgraded

Tuesday, November 16th, 2010

Governor of the Central Disaster Patrick Honohan and his special advisor

Mr Patrick Honohan the smokescreen appointed by the government to be Governor of the Central Bank has been downgraded by reality to Governor of The Economic Carcrash or Grand Poobah of The Empty Coffer.

In other news, the government has announced a new employment initiative, has said everything is “grand lads” and is refusing to admit that it will be accepting German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s generous offer of “Take ze fucking loan you drunken bogpiggën”

Nothing to see here. Move along, move along

Bond Surge? What Bond Surge?

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

Tough decisions, going forward – stay the course; the plan is working and has the backing of the markets (form an orderly queue to the mailboat…)

Cowen Fronts FF “Zero” Campaign

Saturday, October 30th, 2010

Fianna Fail hunk Cowen

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen is the lead poster boy in a new initiative launched by his party to rebrand NAMA as a charity for down at heel senior bondholders, bankers and property speculators.

The groundbreaking Zero campaign will see billboards and building wraps spring up on incomplete building developments all over the state.

Managing to finish sentences without hiccuping and belching overmuch, Mr Cowen spoke in the general direction of reporters at the launch of the charity drive saying, “The optical purpose of this campaign is to spread the message that citizens need no longer worry about having no money – sure none of us do. Well youse don’t. Going forward”

The initiative is the only growing pot of money in the country and benefits from a recent filip of some €8billion of Anglo debt being selflessly bought with borrowed EU cash by government on our behalf securing it as sovereign debt.

“The aim of Zero is to ensure not one of our pals goes without a third foreign holiday or new Rolex next year” said the acting Taoiseach.

Hunk in situ