The Minister for Obfuscation, Lethargy & Unnatural Reflexes Eamon Ryan has rejected claims that a 5% rise in electricity prices will result in prices for electricity which are 5% higher.

Small business representatives have claimed that the price rise will result in higher prices which will adversely affect the amount of money they have to pay for electricity.

Eamon Ryan Demonstrates A Revolutionary New Glowing Bike At A Condescension Breakfast This Morning

However Minister Ryan pointed out that prices for electricity have fallen 30% recently leading to greater competitiveness of Irish firms. “Obviously that has to be nipped in the bud,” he explained at an early morning Condescension Breakfast attended by jaded press goons and bicycling fans. “The more competitive Irish businesses become, the more people they employ and the greater the strain on our limited resources. The extra job fallout from the extra competitiveness will result in higher carbon emissions and the inevitable extinction of most primates”.

Demonstrating a revolutionary new bike: “The Small Glowing Bicycle”, which is small but glows, the minister delighted and amused the younger members of his audience, whilst at the same time explaining that he had now denied the correlation between price rises and higher prices and that was that.

Have-a-Go crim “Bertie”

Residents in the north Dublin suburb of Drumcondra have been warned to exercise extra vigilence of their belongings following recent sightings of cheeky local ‘have-a-go’ con man Bertie Ahern – this time in far off Dubai.

An internet video of the loveable crim has surfaced showing him using his trademark mangled english to extoll the sturdiness of Dubai’s economy – barely a week later, that economy was revealed to be in ruins – believed to have disappeared into Bertie’s magical carpetbag.

Organisers of the event to promote Dubai on the world stage, local residents Sheikh Nik El Eeson and Leh Man al Bruthers broke down when they told The Emergency’s Breaking News Desk of their losses. “We all expected a few items to go missing from his hotel suite” Sheikh El Eeson said; “Soaps, showercaps, television sets, bedspreads – all of these we are used to, but this…this…what is the Irish word for him? Yes by the Profit! He is a shitehawk – this shitehawk has buggered us all with his financial jinx. He is an evil dji’in”

Leh Man al Bruthers was inconsolable; “Who will pay for the 1000s of cubic tonnes of snow that the Profit expects to adorn the rockery in my wadi? Who will drive me to public beheadings and loppings? Not ‘Lucky One-Stumped’ Abdul my chauffeur. Poor Lucky had only just escaped another lopping for a minor traffic offence and now I must lay him off to starve, leaving me with no option but to scowl impotently at my hangar full of Bentleys and Daimlers. The Profit has deserted us…in our….desert”.

This live performance of The 2009 Grand Bank Nationalisation sketch formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009.
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Lovingly captured on on a videogramatical cylinder this performance formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009. This marked the performance debut of the song “Hey Brian”.

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Japan, for many years known as the ‘Asian Ireland’ economy, has emerged from it’s longest recession since WW2, prompting a surge in sake sales and an upturn in karaoke bar bookings unseen since the early 1980′s.

Japanese Finance Minister Bri Lenih-San has announced an immediate reward of 18 seconds of extra free time per Japanese citizen to be phased in on a weekly basis until 2027. Many economists however say that such ebullient celebrations may be premature and are urging caution.

Ryan Bigot, Emeritus Professor of Economics, Whining & General Begrudgery at UCG is one such. “It’s all well and good them Toyota fabricating warlocks with their minaturise this and geegaw that witchcraft thinking that they’re well up in the green shoots of recovery stakes just because they’ve managed to squirell away a few billion yen in exports lately – but they’re in for a land them buckos” he told bystanders while waiting for his car at the NCT testing centre in Galway’s Merlin Park Industrial Estate.

Pausing only to to wipe his nose on an old woman’s sleeve and open another can of Tesco cider, Professor Bigot expanded on his theory that there are rough times still ahead for Japan; “They haven’t factored in the next bombshell coming for them have they? Hah? No they haven’t! What kind of a slump are they in for when they realise that there’s no more poor gobdaws in Ireland left to buy 219 flat screen plasma televisions and a Honda 50 each every two days hah? None of that oul Japanese shite lasts jig time anyways. Not like my car. Its a decent Irish car. A 88G reg green Ford Escort……what do you mean its not passed? Of course its passed! That car was blessed with spittle collected from Mini-Dev O’Cuiv himself….not passed me hole ye little….what are you? Cuban or what? Are ye English?”

The Celtic Tiger committed hari-kiri earlier this century but didn’t bleed out due to several clots, chiefly the renowned fantasist Bertie Ahern.

Our picture shows the green shoots of recovery in the Irish economy seen by Brian Cowen and members of his opium ring

Dozens of citizens hit by successive failures of the money crop in Ireland threw off their clothes, formed a orderly queue on the slipway at Seapoint, Co. Dublin and attempted to swim to a new life in Wales.

Friends and relatives watched tearfully as the desperate swimmers struck out to sea in the hope of finding fortune in the Principality.

“We know it’s a long shot,” admitted one of the shivering emigrants, “but if Charlotte Church can make a fortune, then we feel we should have no bother at all doing it”.

For older observers the scene brought back dreadful memories of the 70s when fifty builders from Monkstown attempted to float to The Isle of Man on three lilos which they had gaffa-taped together. That trip ended in failure, with the builders misjudging the tides and being washed ashore four hours later in Bray, where they lost their few remaining coppers in the slot machines.

Following several hours of soul searching and some heartfelt begging not to, the government has opted to publish the report by ‘An Bord Fuck Youa’ which proposes cuts of €5.2billion in expenditure.
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Fine Gael, a loose grouping of people not in Fianna Fail, are to demand that the entire Financial Regulatory Board be replaced in a motion to be debated tonight in the Dáil.

Fine Gael Finance Spokesman Richard Brutal says the Financial Regulator should be replaced by an armed force empowered to shoot on sight. “It’s time to kick arse”, he confirmed to 2irish News today, “for too long members of the banking community have been allowed to do what they like without fear of being mowed down in a hail of fiery death”.

Fine Gael are also seeking to have bankers’ incomes capped at €250,000, representing a 1000% cut on average and to have the so called “Golden Circle Of 10″ named publicly. Labout is thought to be considering tabling an amendment to the motion which additionally calls for the Silver Ellipse of 25 names suspected of owning more than five Louis Copeland suits and the Bronze Penumbra of 560 whom they believe have “fairly big cars” to be named and shamed in the Dáil as well.

Asked to comment on the proposed move, the current chairman of the Financial Regulatory Board told 2irish news “Fair Play To Them”. Then ten minutes later he rang back calling the move “A disgrace”.

The government is planning a scheme whereby long term unemployed will retain their dole whilst returning to work, 2irish News has learned by reading the paper. Read more »

Intel CEO in Ireland Craig Barefacedliar has announced that no jobs are to go at Intel in Ireland except for the 300 jobs which Intel in Ireland announced are to go today.

Some weeks ago Mr. Barefacedliar said Intel would be shedding 1000 jobs worldwide but that no jobs in Ireland were in danger.

Mr. Barefaced Liar has now assured 2irish News that no further jobs are to go in Ireland. Unless more jobs go in Ireland. He further assured us that all the jobs currently not going would be voluntary redundancies.

A list of the volunteers will be sent to them tomorrow.

RTE News Intel cuts Irish jobs despite assurances 17/02/09