Just BACK the heck OFF
Dear Ms O’Connor, and all Catholics, and victims of clerical abuse everywhere,
La la la la la la I can’t hear you. La la la etc.
La la la dum di dum di dooo. La la la la la andsoforth.
In closing. What? I can’t hear you. Can you hear anything? Me neither.
God bless you
Benedict
The very Reverend Ian Paisley, who travelled to Scotland to shout at His Holiness The Pope, another old man with different imaginary friends
Not since the glory days of the annual International Sir Harry Lauder Games which took place in Aberdeen up to 1967 have so many odd old men travelled to Scotland to pit their wits against one another.
Now it is the turn of a new decrepit generation to use the Bonnie Isle as a battleground. Ian Paisley, one time religious polemicist turned avuncular uncle, now a square one religious polemicist has travelled to Scotland to yell at Joseph Ratzinger, one time member of a shadowy regimented organisation which preyed on the young , now a……well, you see where I’m going with this really
The Pope has announced he will send four geezers to sort out the child sexual abuse problem in Ireland. The Apostloic Visitors will assist the local Church to come to terms with “being caught”.
Irish churchgoers today rejoiced at the news that a bunch of priests are due in the autumn to right the wrings perpetrated by a bunch of priests.
And victims of clerical abuse are said to be chuffed that fixers in dresses are coming to deal with things quietly, calmly and in dresses.
“I’m glad the whole thing can be sorted out within the parameters of canonical law”, a victim said today. “It would be a poor lookout if things were reduced to the childish level of ‘who-did-what-to-whom-and-how-far-away-can-we-throw-the-key’”.
The four “riders” will be sent out from Mordor to each of the four Archshires in Ireland. Details of how local clerics should prepare for this will be contained in a forthcoming Papal encyclical: “Is It Secret? Is It Safe?”
Spokesghouls from The Vatican have confirmed that Pope Benedict will today sign a sorry card for Irish Catholics. It is believed the card will not mention recent controversy about the involvement of Cardinal Sean Brady in silencing abuse victims, nor will it deal with any reorganisation of the structures of the Catholic Church in Ireland.
It is also not expected that the card will mention other clerical child sex abuse scandals involving the Catholic Church Austria, Brazil, Germany, Italy and the Netherlands. The Vatican Spokesghoul explained that in countries where the quality of the people’s faith is already not up to scratch it would be insensitive of the Pope to further damage it by mentioning, you know, stuff.
However The Emergency can reveal that the Pope will have huge tearful eyes and be very sorry indeed:
His Holiness Pope Bennyfromcrossroads XVI has fractured his right wrist following a fall. Had the mishap occurred some 69 years earlier, it would have prevented the Supreme Pontiff from participating quite as fully as he normally did during the saluting sections of meetings of Der Hitlerjugend.
The incident recalls an earlier ironical injury incurred by the current Pope’s immediate predecessor Johnpaul-Georgeringo II, who walking away pleased from relaying the Lord’s Divine Will that homosexuals, transsexuals and transvestites were abominations, tripped on the hem of his dress and broke his hip.
