An artist’s impression of the grim fate awaiting Nell at the hands of Mighty Jabba the Health

Lawyers acting for Mighty Jabba the Health have been commanded to “Crush Newstalk into the ground and have Tom Dunne frozen in carbonite” according to sources today. The decree follows an interview given by colourful street character and media whore Nell McCafferty on the Tom Dunne show during which somebody forgot what faders are put on mixing desks for.

It is not yet clear what Mighty Jabba’s plans are for ‘outspoken’ ‘journalist’ and writer on shouty issues Nell McCafferty, although health insiders who spoke off the record to reporters hinted that she may be in for a stint as a dancer in Mighty Jabba’s palace prior to being fed to the sar’laak -
“Or she may be sentenced to being treated at a HSE run centre for excellence – whichever is deemed to be the most painfully fatal” said Dr See Threepio a HSE spokesdroid

In an interview which was prerecorded and subject to a 10 second delay, Professor Brendan Drumm also stated that the Tallaght Hospital X-Ray controversy was nothing to do with the HSE

Professor Brendan Drumm

“Just one more tiny little wafer thin voter’s paypacket…?”

Emergency Commercial Feature

In a late breaking shock development on reports in yesterday’s Irish Sunday Ihateforiegners concerning misuse of a state car and driver by the Attorney General’s dog, scientists at University College Oughterard have this morning revealed that a parasitic fungus has for several years been driven around at tax payers’ expense in official vehicles and even on the government jets.

The fungus, which is scum like in appearance and consistency, has been identified and classified as F1-ANA-FA11, a most dangerous and persistent parasite according to Dr Pearse Lobe of the TCD Dept of Political Science at UCO: “This thing is tenacious, motivated and worst of all cornered – and it knows only one thing, namely how to survive…on about €4K a day in some extreme cases we’ve seen in the lab”

It seems that there is little hope of respite from the ongoing drain on public resourses. F1-ANA-FA11 and it’s associated symbiotes 1-XPD and TWATS seem set to ravage the country for some forseeable time; but is there any hope? Dr Pearse Lobe thinks that there may be.

“Some of us are pinning our hopes on H1-N1 wiping them all out” he told reporters

Minister for Defence Willie O’Dea pictured earlier last week relaxing in Limerick

This sketch was written following media reports that Enda had lost the improbably coiffured rag with the emergent Lucinda Creighton (hair envy probably) and with Galway East’s Ulick Burke who took exception to the parachuting into the region of former PD leader Ciarán Cannon.

Enda Kenny With Murphy’s Ice Cream during ’09 Election Campaign
Photo from post on icecreamireland.com

It’s not natural to imagine Enda as a violently furious person, but with reference to the performance of Robert de Niro in the famous “Enthusiasms” scene in “The Untouchables” it becomes all too apparent how things must have gone. You don’t have to have seen that scene to enjoy this, but it doesn’t do any harm and you can catch it here on YouTube.

The sketch was first broadcast in The Emergency Series 1 Episode 4 on April 4th on Newstalk 106-108.

Cast: Morgan C Jones (Enda), Karen Ardiff (Lucinda), Nick McGivney (Cannon), Joe Taylor (Ulick), Dermot Carmody & Eoin Byrne (Various FG members)

 

 Enda Kenny: Enthusiams [3:06m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

An opinion poll in todays Irish Indefensiblytacky has put Fianna Fail in 9th place behind Fine Gael (30%), Labour (25%), The Greens (9%), Sinn Féin (5%), Others (5%), The Ghost Of Des O’Malley (4%), Judge The Dog (3%) and A Recurrence Of the Black Death (1%).

Commenting on the partiy’s historically low approval rating of 0.67%, the Tánaiste Mary Coughlan (not the talented one, the other one) said that while there was clearly room for improvement the party was not dismayed.

“We realise that any government taking unpopular and tough decisions will have trouble in the opinion polls right now,” she said, speaking through the official letterbox at Fianna Fail HQ this morning. “Things could be worse, and it’s only natural that the public would rather be slowly and painfully wiped out by a virulent disease than watch an Taoiseach and myself and the rest of the feckers stuck in this god-forsaken hole of a kip going through the macabre dance of staggering, slurring incompetence which is becoming our trademark. Shite, I meant to say something else. Ouch.”

The Tánaiste ended the interview by falling forwards and slowly banging her head repeatedly against the door for twelve minutes to emphasise her determination to run headlong at any and all impermeable objects in her way.

Meanwhile a spokesghoul for The Black Death has said he and his pandemic are delighted at the results of the poll and that their position ahead of the party leading the government thoroughly justifies their policy of killing everyone.