Spire To Make Way For New Monument

Saturday, November 9th, 2013
Artist's impression of "Justice Delayed" by Robert Kempton-Temple

Artist’s impression of “Justice Delayed” by Robert Kempton-Temple

The Spire in Dublin’s O’Connell Street is to be replaced next year by a new monument commemorating the brave and entirely understandable actions of an ordinary citizen who last night used a crutch to confront Disgraced Former Taoiseach and Current Sponger Bertie Ahern in a bar near the Abbey Theatre

The new monument called “Justice Delayed” (artist’s impression above) is to be commenced next year under the eye of artist Robert Kempton-Temple. “The design will remain unaltered, unless someone manages to ram a wheelchair up the thieving bastard’s hoop in the meantime” Mr Kempton-Temple told The Emergency, admitting that such an event would provide a considerable redesign challenge

Meanwhile, All Over Ireland Its ‘Opposite Week’

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011

Once the preserve of small children allowed to dress up as their parents and rename animals and everyday objects, Opposite Day has become (in Ireland at least) an extended festival covering several days. Or months. Or even lifetimes.

Thus on Opposite Day, NAMA has pledged to enter the market as a lender. To paraphrase Polonius in Hamlet “Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Be both. Who cares when you’re billions in the hole eh? Wisha throw another couple of thousand kids’ futures on the bonfire Paudeen, Mr Trichet will be after catching his death”

Fianna Fail leader Micheal Martin pledged yesterday to ban corporate donations to political parties. Stop it Micheal! My sides! You’re killing me!

“We have a Five Point Plan” Stop it Enda! Please!
“It’s Labour’s way, or Frankfurt’s way” Oh Jesus Eamon! It hurts! It hurts!
“It was never a Jobs Budget it was always intended to be a Jobs Initiative” Oh lads! You’ve gone and done it now! It’s running down my leg…You’re worse than Micheal…no. Really. You are


Kellogg’s have announced that they are to replace Coco the Monkey, a hyperactive sugar and chocolate addicted cartoon primate as mascot for their Coco Pops brand. The popular cartoon animal is being given the heave-ho in favour of Jedward, who are between them a hyperactive sugar and chocolate addicted cartoon primate. It is thought to be the first time in history that an animated character has lost out on a gig to a rival with a lower IQ. It is also the first time that Kellogg’s have opted to voluntarily print a photographic warning on a box of their cereal which shows what can happen if you consume it.

George Hook And Pretty Boy Parrot (Broadcast on 4fm 23.02.2011)

Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011

In which George Hook is unimpressed by an avian socialist.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on Feb 23rd 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.




Real Plan, Better Future

Thursday, February 3rd, 2011

Dáil Not “Getting Any Dáil-ier” As Bertie Bows Out

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

Iar Taoiseach Bertie Ahern gamboling and frolicking in the specially constructed pension(s) vault under his , Beresford, Drumcondra home

Former taoiseach Bertie Ahern left them rolling with laughter in the dole queues saying today that he wished “somebody somewhere” had warned him about the looming economic catastrophe while he was in power.

On his last ever full day in the Dáil, Mr Ahern also listed his failed attempt to build a national sports stadium – nicknamed the Bertie Bowl – among his biggest regrets because nothing distracts idiots like a match somewhere.

The former MaFFianna Fáil don is among a string of high-profile figures in the party who are standing down from the Cosa Nostra at the General Election next month.

Speaking about his failure to develop a sports stadium despite spending multiples of tax payers’ money on it, the loveable Drumcondra crim said “Unfortunately, when I see little countries like Qatar and Kuwait and everyone in the World Cup talking about their tent stadiums, and we never succeeded in getting one national stadium,” he told RTÉ radio. “That’s an achievement I tried hard to do but I did have a tent”

“You wouldn’t see the leaders of those places puttin up wid all these whingers and moaners trying to get on the telly and radio complaining about the government neither” said the man who once described himself as “The last limb severing Saudi prince in the

Fianna Fail Appointments Announcement

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Disgraced Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern Spotted On Google Streetview

Sunday, January 23rd, 2011

Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has reportedly been spotted on Google’s Street View.
In the images the politician appear “in and around” properties in the Dublin 9 area.
Street View was launched in Ireland in late 2010 after Google’s camera vehicles collected imagery from some 51,000 miles of road over two years.
The programme contains imagery that is already visible from public roads and photographs are taken at a point in time and are not live images.

Looking Stern, Making It Up

Thursday, November 25th, 2010

Cowen Fronts FF “Zero” Campaign

Saturday, October 30th, 2010

Fianna Fail hunk Cowen

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen is the lead poster boy in a new initiative launched by his party to rebrand NAMA as a charity for down at heel senior bondholders, bankers and property speculators.

The groundbreaking Zero campaign will see billboards and building wraps spring up on incomplete building developments all over the state.

Managing to finish sentences without hiccuping and belching overmuch, Mr Cowen spoke in the general direction of reporters at the launch of the charity drive saying, “The optical purpose of this campaign is to spread the message that citizens need no longer worry about having no money – sure none of us do. Well youse don’t. Going forward”

The initiative is the only growing pot of money in the country and benefits from a recent filip of some €8billion of Anglo debt being selflessly bought with borrowed EU cash by government on our behalf securing it as sovereign debt.

“The aim of Zero is to ensure not one of our pals goes without a third foreign holiday or new Rolex next year” said the acting Taoiseach.

Hunk in situ

Lenihan Believes Irish Banking Can Be Restored To Former Greatness

Tuesday, October 5th, 2010

The Minister For Financial Ruin, Mr. Brian “The Stare” Lenihan, has claimed that the €50 billion bailout of the banks by Irish citizens will be worth it when Irish banking is restored to its “former greatness”.

Brian "The Stare" Lenihan
Brian Lenihan Looks The Country In The Eye

A spokesperson for The Irish People welcomed this clarification in a statement written on cardboard and tied around his neck in a doorway on Molesworth Street earlier this morning.

The statement from The Irish People reads:

“We are very sorry for ever doubting your intentions, Mr Lenihan, sorr. Begorrah and it’s the gentleman ye are for to be taking the spittle out of our childer’s mouth for to lubricate the bollix of the banks as they shin back up the razor blade of ignomony to their Former Greatness. Any chance of an aul twig to build a rudimentary shelter for the night cos the gutters is fairly overcrowded this weather and no harm to ye?”

Meanwhile a spokesvampire from the banking sector has also welcomed the minister’s support. “During our Former Greatness we overcharged, evaded tax, lent ourselves money to lend back to ourselves and generally acted the maggot in a way which became a template for the world,” the spokesvampire explained at a press conference in the Central Crypt in Dublin this morning. “Now we have lost the respect of all the international brothers in bloodsucking, but with this generous donation on behalf of the next few generations we feel we can back on the pig in no time flat”.

Meanwhile the EU has again warned that Ireland must have a forty year budget plan, scrap low corporate tax and get back into its box. Construction work on the box has been halted due to lack of funding.