The former head of systemically important cesspit, Anglo Irish Bank, Mr. Sean FitzPension has been declared bankrupt after it became clear that the current heads of Anglo would not accept an alternative deal put to creditors by Mr FitzPensions Hired Goons.

Under the proposed deal, Mr FitzPension offered half his pension, the deeds to Crumlin & Kimmage and use of both the top hat and little dog pieces to creditors as part payment. However although some creditors were keen on this arrangement, Anglo said it did not believe it would get back any more of the €110 million owed to it under the proposed deal and insisted that anyway it had seen Mr FitzPension palming an extra 200 last time he passed go. A last ditch offer from FitzPensions Goons under which he would agree to hand back the tenner he won in a rigged beauty contest failed to move the new Anglo shitepilots and the Goons gave up and upended the board on the way out to the kitchen to make tea and sulk.

At no stage did Mr. FitzPension put his Get Out Of Jail Free Card on the table.

The cabinet met to discuss it’s options in light of two damning reports into the banking crisis which they were treated to a sneak preview of today.

It is thought that the acting Taoiseach and his lieutenants favour fleeing to Argentina on the top secret Government U-Boat the LE Dev.

Then again, they’d have to have some semblance of shame and a genuine fear of actual retribution so it’ll just be off on the piss as usual.

Hard pressed directors of NAMA have been saved from death by a 70% pay increase, 3 months after their appointment. The Minister For Finance defended the emergency payment in the face of stupid opposition cat calls.

"Tibbles": NAMA Director-owned Ocelot Whose Death Has Been Narrowly Avoided

"It has become clear that the fee we originally set for the Chairman of NAMA (€100k) would not be sufficient to maintain the level of larks’ tongue consumption which international class bankers have an absolute right to expect," explained Mr. Lenihan. "After all if you want to manage €54 billion in assets, you can’t be expected to do it on an empty stomach, or without at least a moderate level of ermine".

The increased fees are being blamed on the fact that there would be more work for the directors of NAMA to do than had originally been thought to be the case. However officials have assured The Emergency that this is a one off arrangement and that the whole business will be over by Christmas. We were given this in writing and have in our hand the piece of paper signed this morning in Merrion Square and promising credit in our time.

The Chairman Designate of Anglo Irish Bank, former Fine Gael Minister For Finance, freelance Crazy Old Coot and keen amateur sitarist, Alan Dukes, has confirmed that the bank may be “floated off” in the future.

Mister Dukes, who hinted recently that he might get a crack at various outlandish plans for the utterly disgraced and banjaxed bank (see The Emergency Breaking News 04.03.2010) , has told The Emergency that it is possible to see circumstances where the bank could be floated up: way way up into the clear blue skies of forever.

"Just because Anglo is a black hole sucking the bite out of the mouths of Irish citizens as we speak right now," quipped Mr. Dukes in a specially convened smoking area in the corner of Stephen’s Green this morning, "Doesn’t mean that at some stage am even dafter old coot – say Garret Fitzgerald for example – might light a fire under the bank, forcing me to decide whether to save the bank or an exotic almost-extinct former Taoiseach. I don’t need to tell you I’d barely pause to put me butt before I lashed out the helium".

Laid back banker and former politician Alan Dukes has proposed that Anglo Irish Bank could be reinvented as a “Third Banking Force” owned by the government and giving loans to business.

Banking Guru & Amateur Sitarist, Alan Dukes

Speaking on Pat Kenny’s light-hearted radio programme "Chuckles With Pat" this morning, Mr. Dukes pointed out that we need expertise in the property area to manage the NAMA properties and rebuild the property business which collapsed partly because of experts in the property area and partly because there was a Third Banking Force lending pretend money to build floating moon castles and other vital social infrastructure.

Lovingly captured on on a videogramatical cylinder this performance formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009. This marked the performance debut of the song “Hey Brian”.

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From The Emergency an appeal to Brian Cowen to come off it as we head back towards engagement. Altogether now: “Na-na-na NAMA NAMA; NAMA NAMA. Hey, Brian!”

 

 Hey Brian [4:45m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Recorded by Paddy Meegan at Hollywood Studios

Unfinance Minister Brian Lenihan TD with his brother Conor Lenihan TD pictured getting ready for ‘work’

Minister for Unfinance Brian Lenihan insisted this evening the Notional Asset Mismanagement Agency (NAMA) would not be a “bail-out” for banks and developers.

Following final publication of draft legislation the agency will be in a position to buy up loans at a discount and chase debts.

A confident and relaxed Mr Lenihan, in between sips of water, insisted that the plan was not designed to protect the big builders at the centre of the country’s property bubble.

“There is nothing clearly written in the proposed Bill that will provide a ‘bail-out’ for borrowers, whether builders, developers or otherwise,” Mr Lenihan told a press conference at ‘Government’ Buildings.

“Anyone who owes money before NAMA…. continues to owe it…. and is expected to….ehm…. repay the full amount of the debt……ehm….ehm….stop looking at me”

The NAMA plan will be open for consultation until September when the Dail returns after living it up for the summer.

“It’s essential that the banks are in a position to be a motor of credit in our economy,” Mr Lenihan said. “We all know the numerous problems that have affected Irish banks – the lack of regulation, the placement of insulated self serving cabals on boards, the sickening incestuous relationship between financiers, lobbyists and legislators…..but none of that is important now. What is important is for me to stop drinking this water which has been liberally laced with sodium pentothol before I blow the jig on the whole fecking mess” he said, before concluding “My mouth is very dry now. The government of which I am a part is ludicrously unprepared on every level for anything and has been beaten at Monopoly and Cleudo by a tank of goldfish, one of whom was dead at the time…..I frequently have rude dreams about the Minister for Health, Lassie and a jelly factory”.

The Taoiseach has arrived at Ballybritt raceourse and demanded that everyone cooperate fully with legisltion on NAMA, the body being set up to establish the right to debt of the unborn in Irleland.

“This should not be cynically used as an opportunity to examine or improve legislation by opposition members in the Dail,” said Mr. Cowen in the saddling enclosure. “The time for that sort of luxuriating in pointless debate is not now, but in the future, when I’m dead”.

Mr. Cowen was narrowly defeated in the subsquent race.