Rat Leaves Submerged Ship

Thursday, March 1st, 2012

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A pensive Micheál Martin watches as his former deputy walks away from government buildings following his sacking resignation

MaFFianna Fáil’s Éamon Ó Cuív has resigned as deputy leader and party spokesman on telegraphy, turf and comely maidens in a row over the European fiscal compact treaty.

In a statement released this evening, Micheál Martin the last ever leader of Fianna Fail said his former deputy’s refusal to support the parliamentary party’s position on the fiscal compact meant it was “time to give that young go getter Willie O’Dea his head”.

In an utterly shocking development Mr Martin said MaFFianna Fáil would be supporting the referendum last night.

Martin Names New Fianna Fail Front Bench

Monday, January 31st, 2011

Micheál Martin, the last person ever to lead Fianna Fail, has this morning named his new front bench.

He is Willie O’Dea a TD of no fixed story representing Limerick.

Bald Bloke Wins Comb

Wednesday, January 26th, 2011

Micheál Martin TD winner (?) of the Fianna Fail “Leadership” contest

Micheál Martin TD has won the Fianna Fail leadership contest, one of the most extensively covered oxymorons in the history of the State.

Now perhaps they will all just go away…

Vibrant New FFaces For FFront Bench?

Thursday, January 20th, 2011

Vibrant new faces promoted to the front bench as a temporary measure: “Sherr w’ll shee how they doo arragh” Mr Cowen growled from just under his barstool last night in between songs for the pol corrs

Four Cowen loyalist Cabinet Ministers resigned last night ahead of a reshuffle planned by the acting Taoiseach.

The move is designed to enable Mr Cowen thwart efforts by the country to make his government leave office without everyone in the Fianna Fail parliamentary party “having had a go”.

Health Hutt Mighty Jabba the Health, Minister for Blasphemy and Injustice Ayatollah Ahern, Transport supremo Noel Brokeback Roadway and Minister for Defending the Indefensible Tony Killemlads gave their letters of resignation to the acting Taoiseach late last night.

A ‘Government’ statement said that in accordance with the Constitution the Taoiseach will submit these letters of resignation to the President with a slurred and mildly sullen recommendation that they be accepted. All of the Ministers who resigned have announced that they do not intend to contest the forthcoming election citing reasons such as ill health, spending more time with family, no longer giving a toss and being a sociopath who wants to live well on a fat pension.

With the resignation of Mehole Martin on Tuesday night, Mr Cowen now has five cabinet vacancies to fill but luckily has the widest choice of complete bastards the country has seen since the days of the Black and Tans to choose from. The only real worry would be if he acquiesces to demands that his Finance Minister Brian Óg Lenihan ‘of the emphatic stare‘ be allowed count the number of vacancies – a course of action which could see the number of empty positions jump wildly from five to seventeen million in a matter of minutes.

The appointment of the new Ministers is expected to take place in the next day or two unless Mr Cowen’s temporary appointees work out better than expected.

And still more Martinisms as Duckie denies leadership bid ‘in bits’

Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

The man who would be king like, Duckie ‘Micheál’ Martin, issued a stout refusal to comment over claims that his attempt to become captain of the FF Unsinkable lay shattered.

‘This stuff quacks me up’ he quavered querulously. ‘Mr Cowen is absolutely the man to lead us into the next election. I don’t know how he putsch up with these rumours. And just because I said it doesn’t mean that I meant it, FFS! (See youtz? I haz the lingo to take this to another level. Vote me. Duckster. xx)

‘Clearly, right now everyone in the country, apart from the 14% made up of former developers, local councillors, Mammy O’Rourke’s Travelling Pandemonium Family Chaos Show and a few senior ‘civil’ ‘servants’ clearly need to see Mr Cowen taking the FF Unsinkable to the next level.’

When challenged that the next level was the sea floor, Duckie said that his water-tight crack was perfectly equipped for him to then take over if a rescue package from the IMFF could be agreed, which might or might not involve AJ Chopra blowing air up his arse through an  IMFF-approved straw for buoyancy purposes. ‘I can only surmise,’ said Duckie in his silky southern warble, ‘that that’s what Chops meant when he stressed the need to blow us up as part of the restructure of the country.’

The Minister for Doing Nothing at Home then began an impromptu ‘Waddle I do to make you love me? Waddle I do to make you care?’ At this point your reporter, who was also simultaneously and at the same time appearing on Prim Time, Tonight with Vincent Brown, the Last Coop with Matt Word, The Right Hoop with George Last, A Rant at Bedtime with Mark Coleman, The Weak in Politics with some #FF stooge, The Front Line, The Clothes Line and Fade St, quickly made his excuses and left.

Fionnan Sheahan is eleven

Hanafin Speaks For 8 Minutes On Frontline – Says Nothing

Monday, January 17th, 2011

Local busybody Ms Gulch on the Frontline

Minister for Arse All and Antics Mary Hanafin has tonight spectacularly used an appearance on the RTE current affairs shouty zoo The Frontline to dramatically say nothing in particular about her confidence or otherwise in acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen.

Part of a panel of candidates running in the so called “Constituency of Death”, Ms Hanafin refused to be drawn on her voting intentions ahead of tomorrow’s confidence motion in the Fianna Fail leader but shocked Pat Kenny by threatening to “Fix you my pretty [Kenny], and your little dog too”.

Two audience members were impressed by a column of red smoke which appeared to engulf her, but all were disappointed when she failed to disappear. Viewers phoning RTE were also impressed that Ms Hanafin had brought one of her flying monkey bell hops with her but it has been pointed out that it was actually Green Minister of State Ciaran Cuffe.

In other news, Mary Harney has objected to RTE using the term “Constituency of Death” to describe Dun Laoghaire. A spokesfluke for Ms Harney has pointed out that her constituency is Dublin Mid West.

Acting Taoiseach Relaxes Ahead Of Heave Meeting

Monday, January 17th, 2011

No hard feelings – the acting Taoiseach and Michael Martin relax with a few swings on the golf course ahead of tomorrow morning’s Fianna Fail parliamentary party meeting in which Mr Cowen faces a confidence motion tabled by himself

MaFFia ‘Heave That Never Was’ Back On In Earnest

Sunday, January 16th, 2011

Following the dramatic press conference by the Minister for Matters Outside Cork Michael Martin in which he declared his challenge for leadership of Fianna Fail it seems that a real contest is on.

Here, The Emergency presents your definitive ‘at-a-glance’ guide to the front runners who may battle it out over the coming days to win the chance to drive the smouldering wreck of the Fianna Fail party to the wreckers’ yard.

Michael Martin (3/1)
Made his name as The Minister for Banning Stuff under Bertie Ahern. A consistent performer. Certain to win at least one vote.

Mary Hanafin (6/1)
Took over from serial idiot Martin Cullen when he tripped and fell out of his portfolio at the Department of Arse All and Antics. Hanafin, often mistaken for a woman, has promised a radical overhaul of the party and the state and favours a 24 hour Angelus channel.

Eamon O’Cuiv (10/1)
Minister for Self Protectection, O’Cuiv is grandson of Fianna Fail founder Eamon DeVenereal. A lifelong opponent of frivolity, an O’Cuiv Fianna Fail would see a return to economic war with godless England and a copy of the Irish
Press for every man woman and child in the country.

A Bucket Of Shite(fav)
At present the clear front runner and described by almost all within the parliamentary party as urbane, witty and incisive – the logical choice for even Ógra members as it gives them something to aspire to