Lowry: Eejits Ready For Casino Culture

Tuesday, June 14th, 2011

Popular character and renowned geezer Michael Lowry, the independent TD for North Tipperary had hit back at critics of the massive casino resort which has received planning permission for a site in Two-Mile Borris.

Critics have said that large casino resorts of this type are not viable in Ireland where the market will not support it. At present twenty-five scratch cards, eighty GAA Lotto tickets and a single line (plus) for the Euromillions are sold on average weekly in Two-Mile Borris. There is no professional roulette facility in the area as such, but locals often bet on which cow will roll over first and beetle drives are moderately popular. “That’s a start and it shows Two-Mile is ready for casino culture”, insists Mr. Lowry.

Two-Mile Borris

Michael Lowry, A Cow & Two-Mile Borris

Other local politicians have welcomed any development which will mean jobs in the area. Applications for a 5,000 metre high ski lift, a dolphin-watch facility and a Volcanic Eruption theme park were narrowly defeated and not awarded planning permission at the same time the casino was given the green light.

“It’s great news altogether”, enthused local green-light manufacturer Thomas O’Toole. “The erection of the green light alone will provide me with six months work”.

Mr. Lowry has vowed to complete the development within 3 years. “Ireland got where it is because of the profligacy of eejits who haven’t a bog what they’re doing but who patriotically went fecking crazy. We got into this mess by throwing money around like cow shite, and by janey we’ll get out of it the same way. Leave the envelope in the big fridge on the way out”, he explained.

Tribunalator (Broadcast on 4fm 30.03.11)

Wednesday, March 30th, 2011

It’s 1953 in a maternity ward in North Tipperary and Mrs. Lowry is giving birth to little Michael. Little does she suspect she is about to receive a visitor from the future…

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“Lowry Did No Wrong” – Lowry

Wednesday, March 30th, 2011

The TD for Tipperary North and Offaly South, Mr. Michael Lowry stoutly defended himself in the Dail yesterday against the accusations levelled at him by the report of the Moriarty Tribunal.

From the start of his seven-hour-long speech, Mr. Lowry came out fighting:

“As sure as my name is Rumplestiltskin, I have done no wrong”, he explained. “The Moriarty Tribunal Report is all lies. I have done no wrong. The Phoenix Park is carpeted in golden cuckoo spit and I will be shown to have been honest from the day my mother found me under a gooseberry bush to the day when the people of my planet eventually come to bring me to the Home World”.

Lowry To Moriarity: You're going down!

Lowry To Moriarity: "You're going down!"

Lowry denied the central allegation of Moriarty in no uncertain terms:

“I did not engage in any wrongdoing in relation to the awarding of the second mobile phone licence. Anyone who knows me and who is called ‘Lowry’ will tell you that. If they know what’s good for them”.

He also denied receiving any payments from Denis O’Brien:

“I received no payments or benefits from Mr O’Brien in relation to the second mobile phone licence. Those who cynically and spuriously equate the handing over of cash as a ‘payment’ will rot in a dreadful hell, which Ben Dunne is currently building for me in the form of a replica of the original Whitehouse just outside Nenagh”.

Three children were born in the chamber and a species of woodlouse became extinct over the duration of Mr. Lowry’s speech.

Mr. Lowry also vowed he would now “take a short time to myself to rest my mind, heal my body and renew my spirit”. Accordingly Mr. Lowry, also a self-professed timelord, is scheduled to regenerate and turn into a different and even less popular actor next Tuesday.

COMING SOON on The Emergency – TRIBUNULATOR

Tuesday, March 29th, 2011

“I own the future…”

Enda Kenny And The Dáil Sing “What I Want” (Broadcast on 4fm 28.03.11)

Monday, March 28th, 2011

Prompted by a question to the Taoiseach from Sinn Féin Leader, Gerry Adams, Enda Kenny is joined by Michael, Noonan, Micheál Martin, Eamon Gilmore, Joe Higgins, Luke Ming Flanagan and eventually by everybody as the Dáil descends into song.

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The Meaning Of Lies (Broadcast on 4fm 25.03.11)

Friday, March 25th, 2011

Gay Byrne presents “The Meaning Of Lies” with very special guest, communications and media mogul Wiggy O’Brien.
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O’Brien Pledges To Fight Moriarity To The End

Thursday, March 24th, 2011

Curseyoumoriarty Tribunal Publishes Final Report – States Bleedin’ Obvious

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011

Mr Michael Lowry

Fourteen years after lifting the lid on the alleged corrupt activities surrounding the awarding of the country’s second mobile telephone licence to the Ufat Bastdardfone consortium headed by Maltese billionaire Wiggy O’Brien, the Curseyoumoriarity Tribunal has made public it’s findings in it’s long awaited final report.

It finds that Mr Michael Lowry as sitting Minister for Communications at the time gave “substantive information to Wiggy O’Brien, of significant value and assistance to him in securing the [Ufat Bastdardfone] licence”.

Mr O’Brien, who recently won a country in an earthquake, refutes the tribunal’s findings as they are not based solely on his [Mr O’Brien’s] recollections but rather on the opinion of Mr Justice Moriarity [a qualified judge].

Businessman Ben Dunne who also comes in for rebuke in the report has made much today of the Tribunal’s refusal to take into consideration his mental state at the time of the alleged corruption by Mr Lowry. Mr Dunne again drew attention to his lodging with the Tribunal legal team of several notarized photographs of him [Mr Dunne] wearing a Napoleon costume and “looking fecking doolally”.

Tribunal Findings In Detail

The tribunal also made the following observations:

Bears “substantively shit in the woods”.

The Supreme Pontiff in Rome displayed “an appreciable tendency toward being Catholic,” and had “regular interactions with a Mr G. Odd in which he sought and received substantive information on the activities of one King of Kings who through him, with him [and] in him, made his preference as between the chosen and the damned known”.

“In the cynical and venal abuse of the lower East Side, the brazen refusal to acknowledge the impropriety of his financial arrangements with Mr “Lucky” Luciani and Mr “Spats” Brannigan, and by his contemptuous disregard for his taxation obligations, Mr Al Capone displayed qualities similar in nature, and has cast a further shadow over his community’s public life.”

“Mr D. Vader originally of Tatooine, currently of no fixed Death Star was far from being an encouraging but disinterested Sith Lord, who responded positively to the advice of his Most High Emperor Palpatine that he should exercise caution in dealings with Young Skywalker.”

“What was reprehensible about his actions was that he attempted to overvalue the Broadway musical Springtime For Hitler, of which, as the show’s co-producer, Mr Bialystok was the ultimate shareholder.” – the report states referring to its finding that Mr Bialystok sought to sell over 3085% [of the show] to little old ladies”.

“Had his attempt succeeded, the resultant benefit would have been at the expense of the [little old] ladies, the shares of which Mr Bialystok held on behalf of his co-accused Mr Leo Bloom, and therefore at the expense of the Broadway patrons,” it adds.

The G-type star which the Earth orbits appears to “rise up over the horizon at least once every 24 hours, or one of [your] standard earth days”.

IRELAND OFFICIALLY SCREWED – MATTIE McGRATH KING FOR A DAY

Wednesday, January 26th, 2011

King Mattie offers some tips at his court

Ireland is officially through the looking glass as it now appears that former Fianna Fail rebel pain in the arse (now freelance independent rebel pain in the arse) Mattie McGrath may actually do the state some service by bringing down Dail Eireann without the deeply controversial measure of passing the Finance Bill.

Acting in conjunction with his fellow independent deputies Michael Lowry and Jackie Really-Madd, Mr McGrath may just do what countless disaffected voters would prefer Labour to do and bring this dysfunctional government to a close without shackling the State to a Finance Bill which underpins the IMF/ECB ‘bailout’ and makes provision for the cold dead hand of Fianna Fail to keep a grip on economic planning for the country they so completely crippled.

McGrath will doubtless be enjoying his day in the sun. Finally the Tipp TD and greyhound baron has a reason for wearing shades indoors.

Lowry And Healy-Rae Poised To Save The Money…er Country

Tuesday, January 25th, 2011

Tipperary Independent TD Michael Lowry has warned he may vote against the Finance Bill currently being rushed through the Dáil

Independent TDs Michael Lowry and Jackie Healy-Rae have indicated today that their support for the Finance Bill cannot be taken for granted. The two have formed a ‘technical pair’ although technically they are more of an algae than pair.

Mr Lowry issued a statement outlining certain difficulties that the two independent deputies have with the Finance Bill, chiefly the Universal Social Charge. “Deputy Healy-Rae and I are up in arms about this social charge, particularly it’s universality which we feel could have an impact on our income by dint of it’s very universality – we are demanding a spaceport in each of our constituencies and the lifting of the USC from us. Us two you understand. Not you” Mr Lowry said, adding “Wanna buy a Rolex?”

Jackie Healy-Rae and cap

“Blerrra gansey worra Kerreah upasfarra Kilarrrrglin nerra dooa splarrhh” Mr Healy-Rae said today at Leinster House. Experts think he was either agreeing with his fellow independent, or trying to sell rainbows to American tourists.

The move by the two formerly pro-coalition TDs leaves Labour with an even greater risk of a serious case of egg face if the Finance Bill falls; the party faces growing anger among voters who see the Labour position on passage of the bill as duplicity – and still Edna Kenny waits in the wings to carry on the great deeds of his party’s hated idealogical half-brother.