To commemorate her contribution to the National Interest The Emergency is pleased to present as a free download this exclusive Mary Coughlan “Was I F***ing Tánaiste” mp3 ringtone.
We may never see her like again. But we will always hear her.
READ THE EXCITING NEW SERIALISATION Following the adventures of a group of privileged girls from Oireachtais School who help the other Fourth Raters to ruin it all, until…(serial to run only one week)
Outgoing Golfer & Amateur Taoiseach Brian Cowen is this moment considering his position after being hit by a double salvo from within the ranks of his own cabinet. It’s reported that an unnamed government minister has asked the keen leadership hobbyist to stand down. However it is not this but the unequivocal backing of Tanaiste Mary Coughlan which has the leader-like enthusiast in despair.
Tanaiste Mary Coughlan with two of the Taoiseach's aides shortly after hearing how he feels about her defence of him in the Dail earlier.
Ms. Coughlan defended the Taoiseach in the Dail when responding to questions from Enda Kenny, the leaderlike member of Fine Gael.
“I have full confidence in the aversion of eventing given to me by the Teatray”, she malapropped stridently, “If Noel Coward says he didn’t talk about angling when playing a round with the charwoman of Angled Iris Tank, then I for one am happy to acceed to his alma mater”.
Asked how the Taoiseach felt about Coughlan’s defence of him in the house earlier, a source close to Mr. Cowen blanched, muttered “Shite”, poked The Emergency reporter Seamus Brophy in both eyes with a putter and retreated into his burrow, dragging a large rock over the entrance.
A new Wind Energy Academy is to be established in Donegal as part of that county’s efforts to become the Wind Capital of Ireland.
The initial phase of the development of the Wind Academy will build on the existing Diploma In Light Breezes and its companion postgraduate MA course in Applied Puffing at the Letterkenny Institute of Technology.
But wind boffins are particularly excited about the prospect of harnessing the wind output of the Tánaiste, Mary Coughlan. It is thought Ms. Coughlan’s output could be converted using a specially strengthened turbine which would see her hooked up to the national grid by 2012. Read more »
The government is making figures available for the opposition parties to view in order that they might make their own proposals for the forthcoming mini budget.
“The figures are big and impressive and we hope the Opposition will stop squealing like a bunch of skint pigs and put forward some concrete proposals,” spat Tánaiste Swearymary Coughlan at reporters in an official government laneway late last night.
The government has denied that it will just steal any good ideas put forward and pass them off as their own. “Yizzir completely missing the feckin point”, insisted the Tánaiste, “It’s more to do with taking the shite ideas from them, mixing them up with our shite ideas and blaming that poxy little Spailieenfuckdogpikofecker Gilmore when the whole thing goes tits up the day after it’s published”.
The Tánaiste exclusively revealed to 2irish News that the governement has plans to expand this open door policy by publishing the same Department of Lack Of Finance figures on MySpace, FaceBook and Twitter.
“It’s the only way we’re ever going to get any feckin’ friends,” she breathed hoarsely before going for a little snooze.
An opinion poll in todays Irish Indefensiblytacky has put Fianna Fail in 9th place behind Fine Gael (30%), Labour (25%), The Greens (9%), Sinn Féin (5%), Others (5%), The Ghost Of Des O’Malley (4%), Judge The Dog (3%) and A Recurrence Of the Black Death (1%).
Commenting on the partiy’s historically low approval rating of 0.67%, the Tánaiste Mary Coughlan (not the talented one, the other one) said that while there was clearly room for improvement the party was not dismayed.
“We realise that any government taking unpopular and tough decisions will have trouble in the opinion polls right now,” she said, speaking through the official letterbox at Fianna Fail HQ this morning. “Things could be worse, and it’s only natural that the public would rather be slowly and painfully wiped out by a virulent disease than watch an Taoiseach and myself and the rest of the feckers stuck in this god-forsaken hole of a kip going through the macabre dance of staggering, slurring incompetence which is becoming our trademark. Shite, I meant to say something else. Ouch.”
The Tánaiste ended the interview by falling forwards and slowly banging her head repeatedly against the door for twelve minutes to emphasise her determination to run headlong at any and all impermeable objects in her way.
Meanwhile a spokesghoul for The Black Death has said he and his pandemic are delighted at the results of the poll and that their position ahead of the party leading the government thoroughly justifies their policy of killing everyone.
