Artist’s impression of how the new FG/Lab recovery plan will work

THE IRISH diaspora will be asked to participate in a novel job creation initiative that will involve sending “passage money” home from their domestic service jobs across in the fancy parts of New York and Boston, Taoiseach Edna Kenny has revealed.
Mrs Kenny, who is in New York today for a series of meetings on Wall Street designed to attract investment, believes the 80 million-strong Irish diaspora can also be harnessed to build several new cathedrals in the country.
The scheme, which will be announced as part of next week’s jobs initiative, will involve a finder’s fee of a novena for every slob that emigrates, and stays feckin emigrated, from the project.
“If jobs are created outside Ireland, and are still in existence two years on, the finder or initiator will be thrown a novena arranged by the Government.
“It is a different version of ask not what your country can do for you. You pin-point this for the country and the country is going to respond,” said Mrs Kenny in an interview with The Daily Gael.

DATELINE IRELAND…
Once the preserve of small children allowed to dress up as their parents and rename animals and everyday objects, Opposite Day has become (in Ireland at least) an extended festival covering several days. Or months. Or even lifetimes.

NAMA TO SAVE ECONOMY
Thus on Opposite Day, NAMA has pledged to enter the market as a lender. To paraphrase Polonius in Hamlet “Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Be both. Who cares when you’re billions in the hole eh? Wisha throw another couple of thousand kids’ futures on the bonfire Paudeen, Mr Trichet will be after catching his death”

SATIRE IS DEAD
Fianna Fail leader Micheal Martin pledged yesterday to ban corporate donations to political parties. Stop it Micheal! My sides! You’re killing me!

FINE GAEL/LABOUR COALITION IN FLIP FLOP SHOCK
“We have a Five Point Plan” Stop it Enda! Please!
“It’s Labour’s way, or Frankfurt’s way” Oh Jesus Eamon! It hurts! It hurts!
“It was never a Jobs Budget it was always intended to be a Jobs Initiative” Oh lads! You’ve gone and done it now! It’s running down my leg…You’re worse than Micheal…no. Really. You are

WAS IT FOR THIS TONY THE TIGER DIED?

Kellogg’s have announced that they are to replace Coco the Monkey, a hyperactive sugar and chocolate addicted cartoon primate as mascot for their Coco Pops brand. The popular cartoon animal is being given the heave-ho in favour of Jedward, who are between them a hyperactive sugar and chocolate addicted cartoon primate. It is thought to be the first time in history that an animated character has lost out on a gig to a rival with a lower IQ. It is also the first time that Kellogg’s have opted to voluntarily print a photographic warning on a box of their cereal which shows what can happen if you consume it.

Finance Minister Michael “Noonie” Noonan is to hold a meeting with IMF boss Ajai “Chopper” Chopra today. Mr Chopra’s surprise visit ahead of a full review meeting in a few week’s time has been described by the IMF as being “purely to frighten the living crap out of the new administration” and the organisation has assured Ireland that it is “no more sinister than usual. Heh-heh-heh…”.

Chopra Reassurance: IMIF Visit "No More Sinister Than Usual"

The IMF is said to be concerned at “slippage” in key commitments under the terms of the bailout including:

• Failure to chuck a further €10,000,000 into the gaping bottomless maw of the banks
• The intention of the new Fine Gael / Labour government to do a u-turn on the minimum wage
• The failure of Ireland to deliver on a promise to be “less worser” for lent
• No improvement in the weather here

Mr. Noonan says he is confident that the government can do a deal to improve the terms of the bailout for Ireland, but has warned that such confidence is in no way related to reality and is just a pleasant personality trait he has recently adopted.

Mr. Noonan has also said there will be no further capitalisation of the banks until stress tests are completed, and that there is no question of a change to Ireland’s corporate tax rates despite pressure from French and German politicians, and that Ireland is assured of winning the Grand Slam and the Cricket World Cup once the results of recent matches have been succesfully renegotiated by by the government.

Transport minister Mr Jauntingkar

Leo Varadkar, who has been appointed Minister for Transport, Tourism & Sport has been radically rebranded to the racy new names “Leo Jauntingkar” and “Leo Sidekar”.

Tourism & Sport supremo Mr Sidekar pictured with a “practice cow” taking the place of a visiting EU head of invasion
The first new title is to be used when he is privatizing public transport or when he gives swathes of the leisure industry away – the titles are interchangeable for sporting events.

In which the entire duration of Enda Kenny and Eamon Gilmore’s honeymoon is covered in real time.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 8th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

Enda and Emaon's Honeymoon [ 2:35 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Emergency is broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries every weekday on The David Harvey Show (9-11am) and repeated on The Home Run with Brian McColl after 4pm.

Podcast

All audio content on The Emergency site, including pieces first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries, is available as a podcast:

Feed URL: http://www.theemergency.ie/feed/podcast/
iTunes (web): http://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620
Subscribe using iTunes app: itms://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620

Enda, E-N-D-A, Enda, E-N-D-A, Enda…..

Lyrics written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 4th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

Enda, E-N-D-A Enda [ 3:46 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Emergency is broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries every weekday on The David Harvey Show (9-11am) and repeated on The Home Run with Brian McColl after 4pm.

Podcast

All audio content on The Emergency site, including pieces first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries, is available as a podcast:

Feed URL: http://www.theemergency.ie/feed/podcast/
iTunes (web): http://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620
Subscribe using iTunes app: itms://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620

In which the handsome Prince Enda and his Fairy Godmother Noony discuss a bride-to-be upon an enchanted bouncy castle.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 2nd 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

Enda's Fairy Tale Bouncy Castle [ 2:09 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Emergency is broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries every weekday on The David Harvey Show (9-11am) and repeated on The Home Run with Brian McColl after 4pm.

Podcast

All audio content on The Emergency site, including pieces first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries, is available as a podcast:

Feed URL: http://www.theemergency.ie/feed/podcast/
iTunes (web): http://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620
Subscribe using iTunes app: itms://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620

In which we follow the fate of star-crossed lovers Enda and Eamon, from tenatative messages left on phones to a tender proposal at a tryst behind Leo Varadker’s Cage.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 1st 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

Glenroe; The Star-Crossed Lovers [ 2:19 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Emergency is broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries every weekday on The David Harvey Show (9-11am) and repeated on The Home Run with Brian McColl after 4pm.

Podcast

All audio content on The Emergency site, including pieces first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries, is available as a podcast:

Feed URL: http://www.theemergency.ie/feed/podcast/
iTunes (web): http://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620
Subscribe using iTunes app: itms://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620

In which the party leaders each receive an Oscar nomination.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on Feb 28 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

The Oscars [ 2:20 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Emergency is broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries every weekday on The David Harvey Show (9-11am) and repeated on The Home Run with Brian McColl after 4pm.

Podcast

All audio content on The Emergency site, including pieces first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries, is available as a podcast:

Feed URL: http://www.theemergency.ie/feed/podcast/
iTunes (web): http://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620
Subscribe using iTunes app: itms://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620

“I want you to whack the man in the photo I’ve just given you…and remember, its got to look like an accident” Micheál Martin, the last man to lead Fianna Fail deep in a huddle with Smoked Salmon Canape & Reisling leader Eamon Gilmorefortaoiseach