So slithery, Micheal Martin is jealous.

It has emerged that the promised reform of the Oireachtas and applying of the highest standards to public life is well under way with less than 500 family members having been appointed to jobs by Fine Gael TDs and Junior Minister.

Some Tds, such as Fine Gael Junior Minister Ciaran Cannon, have appointed a few family members to their team, but Fine Gael maintains this is only because you can’t get the help.

Team Cannon (L-R): Ciaran Cannon (TD), Fergal Cannon (Legal Advisor), Mary 'The Tache' Cannon (Doorperson), Freddy 'Four Eyes Cannon (The Stash), Trixie (Driver), Marty 'Mephistopheles' Cannon (Schemes)

Labour TDs have also shown remarkable restraint with Arthur Spring (nephew of former Labour Dick Spring, son of former Labour TD Dan Spring) having appointed his brother as his parliamentary assistant. This was despite Labour Leader Eamon Gilmore insisting that TDs at least disguise anyone who looks like them with “some sort of a hat or wig”.

Arthur Spring has defended his appointment of his brother saying he is the best man for the job. I interviewed nineteen Springs in the Spring area, and graham is the best Spring for the job. He won the job amidst fierce competition form the Springs. If I could hire him a million times I would. He’s just the best Spring available to do stuff”.

IRELAND IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS....what that really means

Yanks send your bombers; Brits send your hens. Big corporation? Cruising for a bit of “double Irish”? European? Into treaty-play? We mean no until you make us mean yes. Bankers? Bailouts? We’re in! Fancy a troika? We’ll do everything except Greek…

Jedward, sealed by Gardai ahead of Obama visit

Advance CIA security forces have moved to seal John and Edward Grimes following threats made by the twins that they intend to “perform” for President Obama when he visits Ireland early next week.

The move follows official embarrassment at having let Mary Byrne scream some Shirley Bassey numbers at Her Majesty the Queen of England last thursday, ahead of forcing the unfortunate monarch to witness Westlife pouting and shuffling along to a backing track.

"All Your Base Are Belong To One" Her Most Benign Malignancy Elizabeth Regina in reflective mood.

Frumpy Ardoyne housewife Mary McAleese has been “hoovering all week”; Edna Kenny, Ireland’s first female Taoiseach has been “practicing pulling my foirelock until my scalp bleeds” and Ireland as a whole has been put on a shutdown unseen in the history of the State.

Observing the level of disruption heaped upon the cowed populace of our ersatz republic, one British security operative has offered the opinion that the 1916 Rising could have been put down by the announcement of a pending visit by an octogenarian Londoner and her dodgy Greek beau.

Meanwhile the country braces itself for further enforced optimism at the hands of the Continuity Coalition as they gear up to sell as “a tourist bonanza” another week of road closures for Obama’s whistlestop “elect me please I’m Irish” visit to impress the folks back home.

In other Royal jaunt news, former Taoiseach John Bruton – who famously described the State visit of Prince Charles in 1995 as “the happiest day of my life” – has been admitted to hospital. Doctors say that despite battling for hours, they are unable to stifle his priapic erection.

Endama Bin Kenny pictured yesterday issuing threats against Ireland

Leader of the Continuity Coalition Endama Bin Kenny has issued a new video recording from his bunker believed to be either in Pakistan or somewhere in Kildare Street. In the threat the Al Fingaela leader reaffirms his commitment to Europe and proclaims a fatwa against UCD economist and unerringly accurate cassandra Morgan Kelly. This follows the latter’s pro default treatise printed in yesterday’s Daily Gael

“His children, and their children, and even their children after that will pay the ECB, may it be praised, for his insolence” the wild eyed Mayo Mullah declared, continuing; “It is a holy thing we do – even he who merely shoots himself in the foot in the time honoured way of Al Fingaela will be rewarded”.

The Continuity Coalition has pledged to carry on the policies of the previous “government” as proof of their fealty to Brussells and because it is “their turn”.

STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* Ayatollah Yer Fuckinmonee the head of NAMA has this afternoon formally announced moves to take over the Bin Laden compound in Abbotobad “In the national interest”

Artist’s impression of how the new FG/Lab recovery plan will work

THE IRISH diaspora will be asked to participate in a novel job creation initiative that will involve sending “passage money” home from their domestic service jobs across in the fancy parts of New York and Boston, Taoiseach Edna Kenny has revealed.
Mrs Kenny, who is in New York today for a series of meetings on Wall Street designed to attract investment, believes the 80 million-strong Irish diaspora can also be harnessed to build several new cathedrals in the country.
The scheme, which will be announced as part of next week’s jobs initiative, will involve a finder’s fee of a novena for every slob that emigrates, and stays feckin emigrated, from the project.
“If jobs are created outside Ireland, and are still in existence two years on, the finder or initiator will be thrown a novena arranged by the Government.
“It is a different version of ask not what your country can do for you. You pin-point this for the country and the country is going to respond,” said Mrs Kenny in an interview with The Daily Gael.

DATELINE IRELAND…
Once the preserve of small children allowed to dress up as their parents and rename animals and everyday objects, Opposite Day has become (in Ireland at least) an extended festival covering several days. Or months. Or even lifetimes.

NAMA TO SAVE ECONOMY
Thus on Opposite Day, NAMA has pledged to enter the market as a lender. To paraphrase Polonius in Hamlet “Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Be both. Who cares when you’re billions in the hole eh? Wisha throw another couple of thousand kids’ futures on the bonfire Paudeen, Mr Trichet will be after catching his death”

SATIRE IS DEAD
Fianna Fail leader Micheal Martin pledged yesterday to ban corporate donations to political parties. Stop it Micheal! My sides! You’re killing me!

FINE GAEL/LABOUR COALITION IN FLIP FLOP SHOCK
“We have a Five Point Plan” Stop it Enda! Please!
“It’s Labour’s way, or Frankfurt’s way” Oh Jesus Eamon! It hurts! It hurts!
“It was never a Jobs Budget it was always intended to be a Jobs Initiative” Oh lads! You’ve gone and done it now! It’s running down my leg…You’re worse than Micheal…no. Really. You are

WAS IT FOR THIS TONY THE TIGER DIED?

Kellogg’s have announced that they are to replace Coco the Monkey, a hyperactive sugar and chocolate addicted cartoon primate as mascot for their Coco Pops brand. The popular cartoon animal is being given the heave-ho in favour of Jedward, who are between them a hyperactive sugar and chocolate addicted cartoon primate. It is thought to be the first time in history that an animated character has lost out on a gig to a rival with a lower IQ. It is also the first time that Kellogg’s have opted to voluntarily print a photographic warning on a box of their cereal which shows what can happen if you consume it.

Finance Minister Michael “Noonie” Noonan is to hold a meeting with IMF boss Ajai “Chopper” Chopra today. Mr Chopra’s surprise visit ahead of a full review meeting in a few week’s time has been described by the IMF as being “purely to frighten the living crap out of the new administration” and the organisation has assured Ireland that it is “no more sinister than usual. Heh-heh-heh…”.

Chopra Reassurance: IMIF Visit "No More Sinister Than Usual"

The IMF is said to be concerned at “slippage” in key commitments under the terms of the bailout including:

• Failure to chuck a further €10,000,000 into the gaping bottomless maw of the banks
• The intention of the new Fine Gael / Labour government to do a u-turn on the minimum wage
• The failure of Ireland to deliver on a promise to be “less worser” for lent
• No improvement in the weather here

Mr. Noonan says he is confident that the government can do a deal to improve the terms of the bailout for Ireland, but has warned that such confidence is in no way related to reality and is just a pleasant personality trait he has recently adopted.

Mr. Noonan has also said there will be no further capitalisation of the banks until stress tests are completed, and that there is no question of a change to Ireland’s corporate tax rates despite pressure from French and German politicians, and that Ireland is assured of winning the Grand Slam and the Cricket World Cup once the results of recent matches have been succesfully renegotiated by by the government.

Transport minister Mr Jauntingkar

Leo Varadkar, who has been appointed Minister for Transport, Tourism & Sport has been radically rebranded to the racy new names “Leo Jauntingkar” and “Leo Sidekar”.

Tourism & Sport supremo Mr Sidekar pictured with a “practice cow” taking the place of a visiting EU head of invasion
The first new title is to be used when he is privatizing public transport or when he gives swathes of the leisure industry away – the titles are interchangeable for sporting events.