Noonan hails Irish citizens as “Heroes”

Friday, December 13th, 2013
"The Irish people are the real heroes and heroines of the bailout" - Reichschancellor Noonan

“The Irish people are the real heroes and heroines of the bailout” – Reichschancellor Noonan

The Reichschancellor for Finance Michael Noonan has hailed the Irish people as the real heroes of the bailout. Mr Noonan made his comments as he marked the official end of the bailout which will continue to blight the Irish people for decades. Luckily now that they are officially heroes they will spend the time paying for the now non-existent bailout in their top secret hero caves and fortresses heated by their x-ray vision.

Mr Noonan, a qualified secondary school teacher from Limerick today said that the Irish people are the ‘real heroes and heroines’ of the bailout exit as they had borne the brunt of the programme, which he said had seen the government take 270 different actions across the board, but not one action against any boardroom.

Chupacabra For Social Protection Heralds New Era Of Certainty For Pensioners

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013
(L-R) Joan Burton the Chupacabra for Social Protection, Uachtarin Na hEireann Michael D. Minutive, Two lads from party HQ doughnutting and a man Gardai are seeking in connection with a used car racket

(L-R) Joan Burton the Chupacabra for Social Protection, Uachtarin Na hEireann Michael D. Minutive, two of the lads from party HQ taking a break from being highly valued advisors to do a spot of doughnutting, and a man Gardai are seeking in connection with a used car racket

The Chupacabra For Social Protection says that she believes that new legislative changes to defined benefit pensions will create a more certain landscape for customers.

Joan Burton told RTÉ’s Mouthpiece Ireland  “I can certainly state that those with pensions up to €12,000 will certainly have very little if anything at all to live on in their old age, and there will be a sliding scale for those with pensions over €12,000 who we are viewing as fortunate tax payers who will certainly shoulder more of the liabilty”.

Naturally the sliding scale will only slide one way.

“My aim is to create the maximum level of protection for all parties especially those at the very top who deserve the absolute certainty that their gilt edge pensions are protected”.

“In the case of a double insolvency (where both the fund and company are insolvent) there is a European directive that says the State has to pay 50 per cent of the fund. We all had a good laugh about that one to be honest” she said. “In any case if it does we can always shake some other pensioner down for the cash. Or maybe one or two of their grandchildren”.

School Newsletter.

Tuesday, November 19th, 2013

St Garret's Newsletter #1

MEANWHILE…in a more fitting Universe

Thursday, November 7th, 2013 a more fitting Universe

Tributes Pour In For Elvira Gulch, Dead At 87

Monday, April 8th, 2013
Elvira Gulch, Wicked WItch of The West, and former Librarian who passed away earlier today

Elvira Gulch, Wicked WItch of The West, and former Librarian who passed away earlier today. She is pictured here negotiating with the IRA

Elvira Gulch, the former Wicked Witch of The West, has died at the age of 87.
Gulch, who ruled most of the central and western plains of Oz between 1979 and 1990, evapourated after somebody finally threw a bucket of water over her, her spokesflyingmonkey said.

The former Wicked Witch had lived a withdrawn life after leaving active Munchkin and Cowardly Lion terrorising.

The ‘Evil Old Witch’ was an intensely divisive figure, revered by many – but also remembered for an agenda of privatising public services, facing down the powerful Lollipop League, as well as introducing the widely-despised Scarecrow Support ‘poll tax’.

Taoiseach Edna Kenny expressed his deep sorrow at the news, remarking that “I have for a long time modelled my own hairstyle on that guy. He was a trailblazer”. President Michael D. Higgins, himself a Claddagh Munchkin wrote a lovely poem but nobody could find a box tall enough to get him up to the microphone to read it in time so he went and had a little nap in a drawer.  Not all reactions were quite so benign however.

The Tin Man said that her policies had a negative effect against both the people of Emerald City, Munchkinland and the ribbon communities all along the Yellow Brick Road. The Tin Man went on to say  that while he was aware of the Enchanted Orchard, he was never actually in it.

In other obituaries three people have said that they are upset about the death of the Labour Party. “Party? It’s been more like an extended wake than a party since at least 2011” one Labour voter too ashamed to be identified told our reporter.

Ireland “Ireland” – Noonan

Tuesday, March 13th, 2012

Minister for Honours Maths Michael Noonan reading the 2008 Leaving Cert Maths (Ordinary) paper set by his predecessor Mr Cromwell

Parents of Junior Certificate geography students today thanked Michael Noonan for clearing up any lingering confusion that Ireland may be the much larger mediterranean country Spain. Mr Noonan’s statement comes hot on the heels of recent assertions made by the Tainiste and Minister for Geography (Common Level) Eamon Gilmore to the effect that Ireland is neither Portugal nor Greece.

Asked why the Minister for Honours Maths was providing study notes for a class other than his own Mister Noonan explained that the Tainiste was on an in service training day along with some other staff members.

There will be no P.E. for the next two weeks as Mister Vaginar the Minister for P.E. and The Bus has a pulled junket which has to be treated in England. A full list of all classes to be affected by the St Patrick’s Day holiday will be sent home in satchels this week.

Bruton Signs Sherlock’s SOPA Into Law

Wednesday, February 29th, 2012

Miniature for Jobs, Enterprise and Innovation Richard ****** has signed the controversial SOPA instrument pushed by Sean ******* into law.

The instrument ****** **** and *********. It will ****** *** ******* ********, but also *****.

Several *********** were told ****** ****** to be ******. Despite much protest by ********, anyone who voiced their objections to their **’* have effectively been told to fuck right off.

Oxymoron For Health Promises Review Of Children’s Hospital Planning Fiasco

Friday, February 24th, 2012

The Oxymoron for Health Dr James Reilly has promised a comprehensive review, two steering committees, a think tank, several in depth bull sessions and at least one cream tea in an attempt to pull the ill fated National Children’s Hospital project at the Mater site in Dublin back on stream.

Oxymoron for Health Dr James Reilly TD MD SOB HSE

“Youse are all lookin at me” Dr Reilly told journalists at a press conference yesterday. He then laughed sheepishly and told two watered down knob gags. The minister went on to explain that while delays to the project were regrettable, the rapid aging of many of the children’s hospital’s patients would mean that they wouldn’t have to worry about receiving sub standard treatment in a pediatric facility for long. “Sure before you know it they’ll be old enough to receive sub standard treatment at any one of the three general hospitals nationwide that this government is committed to keeping open”.

“Nippers grow up so fast nowadays” he said, concluding “Those as what survives does in anyways”.

The unbuilt Ahern Harney Memorial National Children’s Hospital Project is 10 years old, some three or four years older than any of it’s potential victims clients.

Franco-German Performance Artist’s Special Delivery

Friday, February 10th, 2012

A leading Franco-German performance artiste has delivered a sculptural representation of Ireland’s financial liabilities for the next year near government buildings in Dublin.

The artist Merkozy, known variously as “l’agresseur peu” and “Die Zukunft Dieb” has spent weeks carefully crafting the piece. Described as “…a physical manifestation of your country’s indebtedness to your bettors [sic?]” the sculpture is called Non Comestibles Bon Bon (The Inedible Sweetie)

A press release from the artist which accompanies the installation states: “Zut! Votre peasantry will never starve eating this delectable granite sweet meat, mais non?” a second entry with hand drawn eagles and lightning strikes suggests “Ya! Let the leftists try to eat it first. Then your elderly and so on in that manner until ENJOYMENT they will learn to take from their struggle nein?”

The sculpture will be guarded by Mr Merkozy’s pet Taoiseach Fido Kenny assisted by Finance Sinister and well known investor Michael Noonan.

Le Non Comestible Bon Bon being delivered earlier today

“Tonight Matthew, I’ll Be…Virtually Indistinguishable From Bertie”

Tuesday, July 12th, 2011

So slithery, Micheal Martin is jealous.