Gilmore truth serum experiment works!

Saturday, November 23rd, 2013

Tánaiste, Minister for Foreign Affairs and sexual firebrand Eamon Gilmore inadvertently sipped a pint of truth serum in the Dáil bar yesterday with hilarious consequences.

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Scandal As Socialist DNA Uncovered In Labour TDs

Sunday, February 3rd, 2013
Austerity hot Tub

Burton (Left) Pictured With Underclass Maintenance Advisers During Press Conference In Government Austerity Hot Tub

Minister For Maintaining The Levels of Damage To The Underclass Joan Burton has angrily denied reports that minute traces of Socialist DNA were identified in routine testing of swabs taken from the seats of Labour front bench TDs.


Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Labour TDs were contaminated by Socialist DNA mixed up in a consignment of sparkling wine to Labour Head Office from Poland.


“Obviously it is a serious matter if TDs labelled “Labour” are found to include Socialist ideals,” Ms. Burton conceded at a hastily arranged conference in a government Austerity Hot-Tub this morning. “The people of Ireland have a right to expect the politics they consume to be as devoid of principle and ideals as possible. The reputation of the Irish Politics Processing industry for producing reliably homogenous and malleable TDs is at stake. Pass the smoked salmon, Alex”, she insisted furiously.


In a separate development over at Labour’s coalition partners’ HQ, Health Minister James Reilly has denied co-ownership of a company which has been accused of attempting to set up a care facility for the elderly in a hollowed-out horse in Swords. Further results from tests being carried out by a horse co-owned by Dr. James Reilly are expected soon after the minister accidentally ate the initial test results at a breakfast meeting.

Burton Denies Shambles Is A Shambles

Thursday, February 9th, 2012

The Minister For Total Deflection, Joan Burton, has hit out at opposition claims that the forthcoming simultaneous retirement of a trillion public servants represents a “shambles”. Answering questions from radical reforming rump agglomeration, Fianna Fáil, Ms. Burton said the coalition government had been discussing the forthcoming retirements on a daily basis and following it on Twitter and everything, and was well prepared for the impact on frontline services.

Ms. Burton outlined a number of precautions and arrangements which were, she said, being undertaken to minimise disruption to services in key areas. These include:

  • Drafting in four thousand unpaid interns in the even of “a really big fire”
  • Moving non-retiring Gardaí to crime-facing positions who are currently in less vital arse-scratching positions
  • Stepping up government plans to replace reliance on psychiatric nursing with reliance on “the kindness of strangers”
  • Going on holiday
  • Hiding

Artist's Impression Of New-Look "Kindness Of Strangers" Psychiatric Service

The Fianna Fáil leader, Micheál Martin criticised the coalition for ruining the good work of the previous government, which he said had left them a legacy of illusion that the coalition was now shattering without any regard to “the children, the poor wee children”.

Hey There Handsome! Ireland Is Open For Business

Tuesday, May 24th, 2011

IRELAND IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS....what that really means

Yanks send your bombers; Brits send your hens. Big corporation? Cruising for a bit of “double Irish”? European? Into treaty-play? We mean no until you make us mean yes. Bankers? Bailouts? We’re in! Fancy a troika? We’ll do everything except Greek…

Perfect Day (Broadcast on 4fm 05.04.11)

Tuesday, April 5th, 2011

This eight week run of The Emergency on 4fm concludes with Enda Kenny, Michael Noonan, Joan Burton & Eamon Gilmore suffering another dreadful day in the office and reminiscing about that lovely day just a few short weeks ago when they went to visit “that nice lady who lives near the zoo…”

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Enda Kenny And The Dáil Sing “What I Want” (Broadcast on 4fm 28.03.11)

Monday, March 28th, 2011

Prompted by a question to the Taoiseach from Sinn Féin Leader, Gerry Adams, Enda Kenny is joined by Michael, Noonan, Micheál Martin, Eamon Gilmore, Joe Higgins, Luke Ming Flanagan and eventually by everybody as the Dáil descends into song.

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Enda & Eamon’s Honeymoon (Broadcast on 4fm 08.03.11)

Tuesday, March 8th, 2011

In which the entire duration of Enda Kenny and Eamon Gilmore’s honeymoon is covered in real time.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 8th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.




Enda, E-N-D-A Enda (Broadcast 4fm 04.03.11)

Friday, March 4th, 2011

Enda, E-N-D-A, Enda, E-N-D-A, Enda…..

Lyrics written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 4th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.




Enda & Eamon Do A Deal (Broadcast on 4fm 22.02.2011)

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011

In which Eamon Gilmore calls to Enda’s house for tea and negotiation.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on Feb 22nd 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.




Gilmore Warns Of Dangers of “Stealthy Gaelsreich”

Thursday, February 17th, 2011
Gilmore and Pike

Gilmore: "Pike"

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore warned voters of the dangers of handing an overall majority in the next Dáil to Fine Gael, claiming that his FG opponents were planning “A thousand year Gaelsreich of stealth taxes”.

Enda: Yoink

Enda: Yoink

Speaking in English, Irish and Breton, Mr. Gilmore claimed that, in power, Fine Gael would “sneak up on you from behind and then: ‘Yoink’ would go your money. That’s not the Labour way. We’ll come straight at you with a pike, cudgel or pitchfork”.

Enda Kenny, the most leader-like member of Fine Gael (a loose affiliatin of people not in Fianna Fáil) denied Mr Gilmore’s claims that there is a €5 billion “black hole” in his fiscal plans. “Fine Gael has a dedicated team of astrophysicists at work on our financial plans and they have assured me that at worst we might have a white dwarf, or possibly a vortex. We’re not sure about the vortex. It might just be a collection of Alan Shatter’s poetry.”


Shatter: Poems