Demands by Ivor Callely for an apology have been widely reported in ‘De Meeja’, a shadowy group recently identified by Fianna Fail’s best minds as being solely responsible for the national and global economic crisis. The perma-tanned West Cork resident says that, since the Seanad investigation of his expenses, he has been wrongly portrayed as a “rogue politician, milking the system and ripping off taxpayers”.

Here at The Emergency we acknowledge Mr Callely’s assertion and are willing to clarify that we are endeavouring to portray Mr Callely as a typical politician, milking the system and ripping off taxpayers. We wish to apologise unreservedly for any confusion or distress caused to any West Cork resident, or indeed anyone who has spent time in coastal north Dublin, taking perhaps, a little rest during a shopping or business trip to the capital.

Senator Callely pictured describing the lovely fluffiness of his beloved West Cork

In a move which some media and political commentators have described as ‘terrifying’, Ceann Comhairle John “Croesus” O’Donoghue was reportedly spotted yesterday paying only €1.99 for 2litres of milk in a shop in Killarney.

The signal is clear – when even the jet-setting Dail Eireann gavel wielder is now paying normal prices for milk as opposed to the usual TD tactic of upgrading to more expensive ‘Super’ milk – the party is clearly over. Mr O’Donghue has for many years been addicted to ‘Wonder’ milk and ‘Nirvana’ milk. These last two specialist beverages have been known to have a high credibility value among TDs who like to be seen quaffing it at up to €230 a litre. Scientists say that these so called mega products are merely cream and could be obtained far more cheaply, but TDs are not known for their parsimony when it comes to public funds.

That Mr O’Donoghue would be so eager to appear normal as to buy regular milk at a regular price may be a warning shot to Dail Eireann colleagues who face a reform of expenses under the Ceann Comhairle in September. Mr O’Donoghue was tight lipped about his open display of money saving; doubtless pleased that he had helped a small shopkeeper in his constituency , before carrying his shopping to a waiting Air Corps helicopter to be whisked to Farranfore to meet the government jet to bring him to his Dublin residence in time for the tea.

Ceann Comhairle John O’Donoghue, his lovely wife Kate, and his Private Secretary Therese O’Connor pictured recently on official business at Cannes