The German Greens Celebrate (Broadcast on 4fm 29.03.11)

Tuesday, March 29th, 2011

Following successfully contesting state elections, the German Greens are having a party. All is Teutonic mirth until their Irish colleague, the rather less victorious John Gormley, calls and wrecks their buzz…

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Green Party Holds First Post Election Meeting

Saturday, March 26th, 2011

DEATHS:
The John Redmond Memorial Phone Box where the Irish Parliamentary Party and Progressive Democrats held their historic final post election meetings, venue for today’s Fairtrade Eco-sensitive, dolphin-friendly wake for “The Green Party”. Family only. No lentils. Charitable donations to the Home For Bewildered Ex Dublin Mid-West TDs

The Oscars (Broadcast on 4fm 28.02.2011)

Monday, February 28th, 2011

In which the party leaders each receive an Oscar nomination.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on Feb 28 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

 

 

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Leaders’ Debate on The Frontline (Broadcast on 4fm 15.02.2011)

Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on Feb 15th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

 

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Small Woodland Creatures Pull Out Of Burning Forest

Monday, January 24th, 2011

At a press conference held in a smouldering tree stump yesterday The Small Woodland Creatures Party announced that it was pulling out of the blazing forest. The Small Woodland Creature party has been part of the Bonfire Of Doom government since they historically agreed with the Shitting Bear Party to enter into a coalition and to provide kindling and a match to get the fire going following the last general election.

Eamon Weasel and John Pine Marten

Eamon Weasel and Small Woodland Creature Leader John Pine Marten

Small Furry Animal With Responsibility for Glowing Embers, Eamon Weasel, urged other larger animals and birdies to work together to ensure that the undergrowth in the forest was completely incinerated before handing over the forest to somebody who wants to grow things there.

Leader of the Small Woodland Creatures, John Pine Marten said “Our patience has run out and our fur is burny and hurty. Enough is enough, it is time this inferno ends. We want to go to the country immediately. There is no reason for us not to, bus fares are reasonable and you can get great deals in fire-damaged hotels in Connemara”.

Gormley: “We’re Not Sherlock Holmes, We’re Matlock”

Tuesday, January 11th, 2011

The leader of the Green Party has said that the party can find no evidence of wrongdoing in the reports about a golf game between Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen and loveable niblick-wielder Seanie FitzPatrick.

John Matlock and Dan Gormley

Crime-figting nonogenerian John Gormley and radical political activist Dan Matlock

Mr. Gormley said he has asked the Department of Finance whether Fitzpatrick made any representations to it on behalf of Anglo and had been told that he did not. “That’s good enough for me, I can only go on what I’m told,” he explained at a press-speaking-at event earlier today. “I’m not Sherlock Holmes. I don’t smoke a pipe for one thing. Matlock. Yes, that’s it. I’m like a sort of Matlock character. Without the violence. And the uncovering of the truth.”

From Golf Balls…To None

Monday, January 10th, 2011

MISSING

JOHN GORMLEY’S BALLS: Last seen up a lamp post in Ranelagh

Gardai are appealing to members of the general public following the disappearance (complete absence) of John Gormley’s testes. The missing nads are part of a haul of missing stones belonging to several members of the Green Party.

Party spokesfool Senator Dan Boyle has pointed out that an absence of rocks shouldn’t affect the party overmuch, indicating that while many Greens lack balls, there are still enough complete pricks to keep them going.

Paul Gogarty was unavailable for comment.

Green Party Cannot Be Destroyed As It Is An Idea, Claim Gormley, Ryan

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

In a shock announcement the leader of the Green Party has backed Eamon Ryan’s assertion that the Green Party can never be destroyed because it is not in fact a party, but rather “an idea”.

The rogue idea has helped clarify the situation in the country in the last day by announcing there will be an election as soon as there is a four year plan for recovery in place, a budget has been passed unopposed and “shit like that”. The Green Idea leader said the election would be in January and further clarified this later by saying that he never said it would be in January, just “sometime soon”.

The Green Idea will be immune to electoral concerns as it is just notional and it expects to play a leading imaginary role in the future hypothetical development of a psychological mind-map of a metaphor for Ireland.

Eamon Ryan And A Special Bike

Green Idea Minister Eamon Ryan Shows Off The Small Glowing Bikes On Which The Greens Will Ride To Otherness Following the General Election

Gormley, Ryan and other prominent Greens will stand for re-election but are expected to transubstantiate on magic bicycles (a vehicle with even lower emissions than a standard push-bike due to minute adjustments to the ephemera and saddle nut) immediately following the results of that election.

Paul Gogarty TD will remain behind on earth holding the baby.

OMFG!!!!!! Gormley Email To Other Leader Dudes Totally Revealed

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010

The Emergency Breaking News has seen the email proposing a three stage approach to reaching concensus on the details of the evisceration of the nation as requested by the EU. The email was sent from the Ministers Gmail account at around 7pm yesterday and reads as follows:

From: waycooljohnnyg999@gmail.com
To: Undisclosed Party Leader Dudes
Subject: National Governmentz FTW!!!!!!!

‘Sup?

Soz 4 de delayz gettin dis shit together!! My Internetz woz b0rked and I did not haz emailz!!!!!?! St00pid Ryaner LOLZ!!! 😀

Anyhoo, jus wanna run dis concensus shit past yiz..

Da story:

1) We all know we can’t haz cheezburger & we all know we can’t haz den for 4 yeerz!!! WTF?!?!???? LMFAO!!!!!!!!! We need 2 cut da deficitz by 3 or some number shit by 2014 or some year. Allamsayin.

2) Dudes @ Finance gonn get fiscally revelatory in yo ass ASAP. Not sayin it’s bad but bring yo *BIG* shovel homeboyz [and grrllz, JB 😉 LOLZ \0/ xxx]

3) Total. All. Party. Flashmob. OMFG there’s no preconditions!!!!! Chillax and smell the frickin #tweetup!!!!???!?!? ROTFLMFAO

Badda and Bing. Dats it. Sign where it sez ‘U can’t haz cheezbrgrz cos of me too and it’s not #justthefuckinggreensfault

‘Sall

Laterz,
waycooljohnnyg999
XoX

New Green Plan – Lets ALL Join Fianna Fail

Monday, October 11th, 2010

Eamon Ryan, Grown-Up

Green Minister for Talking Out Loud In A Muppetty Way Eamon Ryan last night used an appearance on RTE’s The Week In Politics to outline his many beliefs and placatory hand gestures which he and his party hope will put an end to the country’s financial hardships.

Audible at times only to dogs and Martin Mansergh, Mr Ryan repeatedly told viewers how the only way out is donning the GreeFF jersey and believing every shifting statement made by our increasingly bug eyed trainee finance minister.

“It’s really not that bad” Mr Whine ryaned – “They make a little incision and remove your appendix, ethics and principles”. He hopes to see talks about the establishment of a framework for talks without prejudice set up in a timeframe allowing him and his party colleagues begin to cash in on the Dáil Eireann pensions gravy train.

Gardai meanwhile are still searching for the whereabouts of acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen who hasn’t made a definitive public statement since he was caught drinking at work one morning a couple of weeks ago.