The Minister for Obfuscation, Lethargy & Unnatural Reflexes Eamon Ryan has rejected claims that a 5% rise in electricity prices will result in prices for electricity which are 5% higher.

Small business representatives have claimed that the price rise will result in higher prices which will adversely affect the amount of money they have to pay for electricity.

Eamon Ryan Demonstrates A Revolutionary New Glowing Bike At A Condescension Breakfast This Morning

However Minister Ryan pointed out that prices for electricity have fallen 30% recently leading to greater competitiveness of Irish firms. “Obviously that has to be nipped in the bud,” he explained at an early morning Condescension Breakfast attended by jaded press goons and bicycling fans. “The more competitive Irish businesses become, the more people they employ and the greater the strain on our limited resources. The extra job fallout from the extra competitiveness will result in higher carbon emissions and the inevitable extinction of most primates”.

Demonstrating a revolutionary new bike: “The Small Glowing Bicycle”, which is small but glows, the minister delighted and amused the younger members of his audience, whilst at the same time explaining that he had now denied the correlation between price rises and higher prices and that was that.

The Labour Party has called on the government to appoint a business bloke to the cabinet as Minister For All That Businessy Stuff. The new Ministry would be responsible for encourage business, businesslike stuff, stuff that’s done by business blokes, cool ideas for business things, the business, making business work, putting business first, prioritising business instead of pursuing the failed policy of “not prioritising business”, putting Ireland’s best business foot forward, stimulating business and the business of business and breakfast networking meetings.

Several names have been touted to fill the suggested post of Minister For All That Businessy stuff including leading entrepreneurs, former EU commissioners and a geezer who’s always walking past the Labour Party HQ window wearing an incredibly sharp suit on.

A press release from the Labour party states that “Labour wants to focus on getting people back into jobs and our research has suggested that this is something to do with business”.

The Taoiseach has welcomed the suggestion but has said he feels a teacher would be of more benefit in such a role because “we’ve loads of them”.

The government is planning a scheme whereby long term unemployed will retain their dole whilst returning to work, 2irish News has learned by reading the paper. Read more »

Intel CEO in Ireland Craig Barefacedliar has announced that no jobs are to go at Intel in Ireland except for the 300 jobs which Intel in Ireland announced are to go today.

Some weeks ago Mr. Barefacedliar said Intel would be shedding 1000 jobs worldwide but that no jobs in Ireland were in danger.

Mr. Barefaced Liar has now assured 2irish News that no further jobs are to go in Ireland. Unless more jobs go in Ireland. He further assured us that all the jobs currently not going would be voluntary redundancies.

A list of the volunteers will be sent to them tomorrow.

RTE News Intel cuts Irish jobs despite assurances 17/02/09