Ireland – An Appeal

Tuesday, June 28th, 2011

Every year in Ireland, billions of Euros are wasted because of our hidden shame. We all know about it, but few if any ever speak out…

It’s time to end the shame

Healy Rae Denies Being Two Places At Once

Tuesday, June 28th, 2011

Enthusiastic Kerryman Michael Healy Rae has denied that he made phone calls to vote for himself on RTE’s celebrity survival show “I’m A Spanner, Turn Off The Telly”.

DENIAL

Mr Healy Rae had pointed out that he has not mastered bi-location and could not have made phonecalls from the Dail phone system while at the same time wrestling wild sheep in the Connemara jungle. He has repeated the denial numerous times today, undeterred by the fact that nobody has suggested that he made the calls.

BI

Kerry South voters who did not vote for MHR were heartened by the news that he could not be in two places at the one time. “Just one less places at a time and we’re grand”, a sane man in Kenmare said when questioned.

Mr Healy Ray has also denied that his father Jackie, then a TD and still a committed Kerryman and novelty hatstand, could have made the calls. “I know he didn’t because I have not asked him so therefore he didn’t tell me if he did so he didn’t”, explained Healy Rae Jnr.

Hat

Healy Rae: Hatstand

MORE DENIAL

Jackie Healy Rae himself has said that there wouldn’t be a hope in the wide earthly world that he’d be in a position to make that number of calls. Not an outside hope in the world. No hope whatsoever. If it’s hoping ye’d be that there be a hope that Jackie Healy Rae himself it is that would be at the making of such a class of a load of calls, it’s hopeless the hope would be that did be upon ye.

HATS A CHARITY

The calls caused donation of 60 cent each to be made to charity, with taxpayers the unwitting donors. Neither of the Healy Raes would comment on an effort that was made at the time by their supporters to have Hat-Wearing In Kerry South registered as a charitable actvity.

The Real Healy Raes (Broadcast 4fm 03.03.11)

Thursday, March 3rd, 2011

In which we get a shocking glimpse of what lies behind the Healy Rae Begorrah when they are at home out of earshot.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 3rd 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

 

 

Play

IRELAND OFFICIALLY SCREWED – MATTIE McGRATH KING FOR A DAY

Wednesday, January 26th, 2011

King Mattie offers some tips at his court

Ireland is officially through the looking glass as it now appears that former Fianna Fail rebel pain in the arse (now freelance independent rebel pain in the arse) Mattie McGrath may actually do the state some service by bringing down Dail Eireann without the deeply controversial measure of passing the Finance Bill.

Acting in conjunction with his fellow independent deputies Michael Lowry and Jackie Really-Madd, Mr McGrath may just do what countless disaffected voters would prefer Labour to do and bring this dysfunctional government to a close without shackling the State to a Finance Bill which underpins the IMF/ECB ‘bailout’ and makes provision for the cold dead hand of Fianna Fail to keep a grip on economic planning for the country they so completely crippled.

McGrath will doubtless be enjoying his day in the sun. Finally the Tipp TD and greyhound baron has a reason for wearing shades indoors.

Lowry And Healy-Rae Poised To Save The Money…er Country

Tuesday, January 25th, 2011

Tipperary Independent TD Michael Lowry has warned he may vote against the Finance Bill currently being rushed through the Dáil

Independent TDs Michael Lowry and Jackie Healy-Rae have indicated today that their support for the Finance Bill cannot be taken for granted. The two have formed a ‘technical pair’ although technically they are more of an algae than pair.

Mr Lowry issued a statement outlining certain difficulties that the two independent deputies have with the Finance Bill, chiefly the Universal Social Charge. “Deputy Healy-Rae and I are up in arms about this social charge, particularly it’s universality which we feel could have an impact on our income by dint of it’s very universality – we are demanding a spaceport in each of our constituencies and the lifting of the USC from us. Us two you understand. Not you” Mr Lowry said, adding “Wanna buy a Rolex?”

Jackie Healy-Rae and cap

“Blerrra gansey worra Kerreah upasfarra Kilarrrrglin nerra dooa splarrhh” Mr Healy-Rae said today at Leinster House. Experts think he was either agreeing with his fellow independent, or trying to sell rainbows to American tourists.

The move by the two formerly pro-coalition TDs leaves Labour with an even greater risk of a serious case of egg face if the Finance Bill falls; the party faces growing anger among voters who see the Labour position on passage of the bill as duplicity – and still Edna Kenny waits in the wings to carry on the great deeds of his party’s hated idealogical half-brother.

Jack Russell Terrier Appointed To State Board

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

It has emerged that Patch Healy Rae, a 2-yr-old Jack Russell dog belonging to Jackie Healy-Rae, was appointed to the State Injuries Board just days before Kerry TD Jackie Healy-Rae announced his support for the recent budget.

State Board Appointee Patch Healy-Rae

State Board Appointee Patch Healy-Rae

The government has defended the appointment in a statement which says:

“Master Healy-Rae is a qualified dog with 14 doggy-years experience in the area of injuries. Only last week he injured a postman, a local Sinn Fein member and Mr. Healy-Rae himself, whom he mistook for an unusually large squeaky toy. Appointing minority groups, such as dogs, to State Boards is part of an ongoing policy of social inclusion at all levels of government and administration in the state”.

Sources have denied that a fish belonging to Michael Lowry is hotly tipped to be appointed to the board of Bord na gCon. A senior civil servant paused briefly from loading his massive bonus into the boot of his Mercedes to point out that appointing a fish to a dog-related board was stupid. He hinted that a cute rabbit belonging to Jackie Healy-Rae’s niece Jacqui Healy-Rae might be in the running.

Budget Update: Healy-Rae / Michael Lowry Deal Details

Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

The Emergency has learned that Jackie Healy-Rae, the sitting TD for Tír na nÓg, had a number of phone conversations late in the day with the Acting Minister for Finance, Brian Lenihan. On the third phone call he got it right and was able to both speak to and listen to the minister. they thrashed out a deal whereby Healy-Rae agreed to support today’s budget in return for the following assurances:

  • A 9,000 bed hospital to be constructed in Kenmare
  • A hyperspace portal to be installed near Tralee
  • A new hat
  • Another new hat
  • A hat making facility to be located in the new underwater biosphere off Valentia Island
hat

Promised Hat

Mr. Healy-Rae said that he was aware that his constituents were relying on him to act in the national interest, but added “Huura ooo de shmaaak, until de uuurururururooooo shtoppit wouldye”.

Meanwhile TD for the North Tipperary Reservation, Michael Lowry, met Lenihan face to face to sek reassurances about the protection of the most vulnerable in society.

“I am satisfied that those who are weakest in our society will be looked after”, he confirmed, speaking earlier today from his extension. “The elderly, the poorest people and casino-fixated visionaries of Ireland can be assured that I will not let them down”.

Meanwhile, Mr Lenihan has denied that the government has been held to ransom by a couple of chancers. “I haven’t spoken to either Olli Rehn or Jean-Claude Trichet since last Tuesday”, he stared.