HOW HE WAS CAUGHT: Former Senator Ivor Necklikeajockeysbollix pictured using the discreet modern telephone apparatus which he recently claimed expenses for after purchasing it from The Marconi Telegraph & Trans-Atlantic Cable Company, which he insists is still trading near Cobh

Former Senator Ivor Necklikeajockeysbollix has been fined €60 for holding a mobile phone while driving and he will also receive four penalty points on his licence.

The colourful West Cork sponger had denied the offence and claimed that he was using a state of the art hands-free device for which he had several corroborating invoices whilst driving.

He was convicted at Dublin District Court after evidence from a Garda officer that he was using his phone whilst driving a blue Jaguar car on Ballybough Road in Dublin on 11 October last year. It is about as much justice as he is ever expected to face in this state until the inevitable passage of “bloodthirsty mob” legislation, better known as all out rebellion, expected in 2013.

Accepting the Garda’s evidence, the judge handed down the sentence of a €60 fine and four penalty points. The Houses of the Oireachtais are already steeling themselves for his inevitable claim for the expense incurred.

“The harrassment has been unbearable” King Cobra

A King Cobra snake which has been at the centre of allegations of being a poisonous bloodsucker by other creatures had broken it’s silence on what it calls “extreme harassment” by it’s accusers.

Critics of the King Cobra say that he has been fierce, agile, and capable of delivering a large quantity of highly potent venom in a single bite – and that he is one of the most dangerous and feared Asiatic snakes.

The snake today gave his side telling journalists “My life has been hell with these allegations. I have suffered abuse. My family has suffered abuse. Ivor Callely was left on my porch….”

Demands by Ivor Callely for an apology have been widely reported in ‘De Meeja’, a shadowy group recently identified by Fianna Fail’s best minds as being solely responsible for the national and global economic crisis. The perma-tanned West Cork resident says that, since the Seanad investigation of his expenses, he has been wrongly portrayed as a “rogue politician, milking the system and ripping off taxpayers”.

Here at The Emergency we acknowledge Mr Callely’s assertion and are willing to clarify that we are endeavouring to portray Mr Callely as a typical politician, milking the system and ripping off taxpayers. We wish to apologise unreservedly for any confusion or distress caused to any West Cork resident, or indeed anyone who has spent time in coastal north Dublin, taking perhaps, a little rest during a shopping or business trip to the capital.

Senator Callely pictured describing the lovely fluffiness of his beloved West Cork

Ivor Callely’s accountant pictured earlier today

Beleaguered FF senator Ivor Callely has issued a statement this evening refuting all allegations that he submitted bogus expense claims totalling some€3000 for mobile phones using receipts from a company which had ceased trading a decade prior to the “invoices” being raised.

He says he has done nothing wrong and has no idea how the invoices came to be submitted. In spite of his innocence, he will repay the moneys wrongly claimed.

But…but…but…if he did nothing wrong, why pay the money back? A MaFFiana Fail spokesmobster has made a statement to the effect that if we stop struggling it will be more painless and over quicker.

Senator Mary O’Rourke pictured this morning just before Dr Phil came on

SENATOR IVOR Callely has brought “shame and dithgrathe” on Fianna Fáil and should be expelled from the party, according to long-serving TD and former minister Mary O’Rourke who went on to denounce scorpions for being “poithonouth” and Dublin’s beloved Spire for being “pointy”.

Mr Callely claimed almost €3,000 from the Oireachtas for the purchase of mobile phones and related services from Alexander Graham Bell a person whom the Companies Registration Office records show had ceased existing.
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