Sources have indicated that Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen is not resigning but instead will meet with each Fianna Fail TD individually to decide what is best for the party. The meetings will take place at a number of golf courses around the country and nothing of any importance will be discussed at them. As well as Cowan and each TD it is thought that the Governor of The Bank Of Ireland and Roy Keane will make up foursomes. In each case they will be joined by a garda driver for dinner afterwards. the Fianna Fail press office is believed to ba about to issue a number of post-dated denials that the meetings have taken place.

A Load Of Balls

Outgoing Golfer & Amateur Taoiseach Brian Cowen is this moment considering his position after being hit by a double salvo from within the ranks of his own cabinet. It’s reported that an unnamed government minister has asked the keen leadership hobbyist to stand down. However it is not this but the unequivocal backing of Tanaiste Mary Coughlan which has the leader-like enthusiast in despair.

Tanaiste Mary Coughlan with two of the Taoiseach's aides shortly after hearing how he feels about her defence of him in the Dail earlier.

Ms. Coughlan defended the Taoiseach in the Dail when responding to questions from Enda Kenny, the leaderlike member of Fine Gael.

“I have full confidence in the aversion of eventing given to me by the Teatray”, she malapropped stridently, “If Noel Coward says he didn’t talk about angling when playing a round with the charwoman of Angled Iris Tank, then I for one am happy to acceed to his alma mater”.

Asked how the Taoiseach felt about Coughlan’s defence of him in the house earlier, a source close to Mr. Cowen blanched, muttered “Shite”, poked The Emergency reporter Seamus Brophy in both eyes with a putter and retreated into his burrow, dragging a large rock over the entrance.

The leader of the Green Party has said that the party can find no evidence of wrongdoing in the reports about a golf game between Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen and loveable niblick-wielder Seanie FitzPatrick.

Crime-figting nonogenerian John Gormley and radical political activist Dan Matlock

Mr. Gormley said he has asked the Department of Finance whether Fitzpatrick made any representations to it on behalf of Anglo and had been told that he did not. “That’s good enough for me, I can only go on what I’m told,” he explained at a press-speaking-at event earlier today. “I’m not Sherlock Holmes. I don’t smoke a pipe for one thing. Matlock. Yes, that’s it. I’m like a sort of Matlock character. Without the violence. And the uncovering of the truth.”

Resident “tenors” Dermot Carmody & Morgan C Jones warble to a traditional tune about the traditionally tiny gene pool of our elected representatives. Truly a sound strack for the New Year, as we face into General Election 2011…

The Class Of Inbred Gobshites Always Running For The Dáil [ 2:49 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Acting Minister For Finance, Brian Lenihan, has successfully applied for a court hearing concerning “a financial institutuion” to be held in camera, as it dealt with matters of “extreme commercial sensitivity” under new powers contained in the controversial Credit Institutions (Secretiveness) Act 2010. The Act was recently signed after the President had a “good hard look” at it.

Acting Finance Minster Brian Lenhian With New Special Eyes Granted To Him Under The Recent Credit Institutions Act 2010

Mr. Lenihan, who has been fitted with special eyes under the act to help him see things in a special, secret way, said that this should now silence all the act’s detractors who claimed it gave too much power to the Minister For Finance. New powers given to the minister include:

• The ability to move assets
• The ability to act against the wishes of shareholders in an institution
• The ability to choose menus, stationery and soft furnishings without consulting a chef or interior designer
• The ability to replace some or all board members of the boards of financial institutions with cardboard cutouts or small soft toys such as badgers, dogs or otters
• The ability to hide stuff in the cupboards
• The ability to leap tall stories in a single bound

However Mr. Lenihan insisted fears were groundless now. “There is no need for concern about the act or the powers it gives me,” he explained, “because as you can now see I intend to hide everything in a locked room. At this time of difficulty for us all I have no intention of bothering people with anything I can hide, ignore or present incorrectly as the opposite of what it is in the National Interest. Move along now nothing to see here”.

14 perCent – how low can rap go?

Lovable knockabout ‘comedy taoiseach’ Brian Cowen has announced a change of direction – despite being known for bouts of razor sharp wit, stirring rhetoric and the few bars of an oul’ song behind closed doors away out of the gaze of anyone but poll corrs and FFionan Sheahan, plucky Brian is relaunching as edgy urban rapper.

Styling himself 14 perCent the former clowen hopes to break the bank with his new song I Got 99 Problems But A Functioning Economy Isn’t One Of Them

We wish him well and hope that he emulates Biggy, Tupac, and whoever else in Detroit who has recently mixed rap with lead, fool.

Irish politics is in shock and disarray today following the release of a US diplomatic cable quoting then-Taoiseach Bertie Ahern and giving the opinion that the words uttered by the much-loved trickster were “substantively incapable of being proved to be one hundred percent false”.

The unnamed member of the US diplomatic corps sent a report on a high level meeting with the anoraked cash enthusiast in Fagan’s of Drumcondra. In the course of the conversation Ahern is said to have alleged that Sinn Fein leaders Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness were “aware” of the IRA. This only one of the more shocking of several things Ahern is alleged to had said. Other assertions made by the North Dublin Envelopolgist included:

• Mr. Ahern’s belief that Ireland is a luckocracy
• Mr. Ahern’s belief that there is a link between Christmas and annual sharp decline in the turkey population
• Mr. Ahern’s belief in Mr. Ahern

Bertie Ahern Presents George W Bush With An Irish Money Bush

The cable gives the opinion that Mr. Ahern poses no potential threat to US interests in the region but that he represents a clear and present danger to Ireland’s interests. It also recommends that the US security authorities give clearance to Mr. Ahern to present then US President George W Bush with and example of one of the small “money bushes” where Mr. Ahern believed at the time Ireland’s “wealth” was coming from.

AIB’s Executive Chairman David Hassomeneck, has explained that the payment of bonuses to a number of employees is not actually happening now but is a reflection of the past.

“There is a time-space anomaly, which has occurred in a fridge in the kitchen at AIB Head Office,” he explained earlier today, “and inevitably large and un-returnable sums of money occasionally fall through it from the past and into the present pockets of bankers. It’s a quantumy, string-theory kinda thing”.

A Fridge At AIB HQ In Which A Time-Space Anomaly Has Occurred Which Forces Un-returnable Cash Bonuses Into The Pockets Of Bankers From The Past

Leading cosmologists have rushed to back the AIB Exec. Chairman. Professor Hans Industrygoonstein, an economist and cosmologist at AIB, has confirmed that there is absolutely nothing that can be done under these circumstances. He admitted that in theory “if you apply a massive amount of anti-force to a theoretical point which is simultaneously everywhere and nothing, you could possibly reverse this”. However he claimed that “the energies unleashed would utterly destroy not just Ireland but the entire known universe”. Professor Industrygoonstein confirmed that this is partly to do with quarks, but mostly because the space-time-bonus anomaly is id “Systemic Importance” to the Irish economy.

Already many have suggested that since the laws of physics will not allow these bonuses to be prevented, it might be nice if the recipients gave some or all of the money to charity. However a spokesbanker explained the obstacles to this happening in a statement received by The Emergency just minutes ago which read:

“Ha hah!”

The Green Party, which showed immense courage in pulling the plug on the government and precipitating a general election (subject to the passing of the recent budget and a wee break for Christmas) has once again endeared itself to the electorate by insisting that certain legislation be passed before they actually withdraw from government.

There was loud cheering in the streets of Ireland today as it emerged that due to the necessity of passing certain legislation, a general election may not mow be held until March 2011 or even later. “Thank God for the Green Party”, said Waterford mother Mary O’Toole earlier today, cheerily fishing her youngest from a nearby bin. “Id be fierce worried that if they don’t get the Climate Change Bill through it’s be dreadful bad scavenging weather in these parts going forward, and we need them waste levies so people don’t throw out so much stuff and the food is easier to find in the bottom of the bins”.

A Child Celebrates The Postponement Of A General Election In Waterford

The Green Party also wants legislation on corporate donations to politicians passed before they heroically give the country a chance to elect a new government. “No fecker is ever giving us a penny again,” said a spokesgreen, “and we’re buggered if anyone else is getting anything either”.