The Labour Party has vowed to remain firmly on the sidelines and to continue to “give a voice to the bemused dumbstruck rubbernecking masses at the scene of the Celtic Car Crash” despite slipping back into 3rd place in the recent Red C opinion poll.

Labour has gained enormously in popularity recently with it’s lovable rose logo and radical “name that doesn’t begin with ‘F’” policy.

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore has promised to keep pressure on the government by staring hard at them across the floor of the Dail. Read more »

An artist’s impression of the grim fate awaiting Nell at the hands of Mighty Jabba the Health

Lawyers acting for Mighty Jabba the Health have been commanded to “Crush Newstalk into the ground and have Tom Dunne frozen in carbonite” according to sources today. The decree follows an interview given by colourful street character and media whore Nell McCafferty on the Tom Dunne show during which somebody forgot what faders are put on mixing desks for.

It is not yet clear what Mighty Jabba’s plans are for ‘outspoken’ ‘journalist’ and writer on shouty issues Nell McCafferty, although health insiders who spoke off the record to reporters hinted that she may be in for a stint as a dancer in Mighty Jabba’s palace prior to being fed to the sar’laak -
“Or she may be sentenced to being treated at a HSE run centre for excellence – whichever is deemed to be the most painfully fatal” said Dr See Threepio a HSE spokesdroid

In an interview which was prerecorded and subject to a 10 second delay, Professor Brendan Drumm also stated that the Tallaght Hospital X-Ray controversy was nothing to do with the HSE

Professor Brendan Drumm

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen today took a well earned break from fisting the economy to death by leading a St Patrick’s Day march in Chicago.

Mr Cowen will later this week travel to Washington where he will play the stage Irish card and present a crystal bowl of weeds to US President Barack Obama. This will be his second time to make a presentation to the leader of the free world but will differ in two key respects from last year. Firstly the crystal bowl will not be manufactured in Ireland as we no longer have an indigenous cut crystalware industry; secondly Mr Cowen’s autocue camera will have a big picture of a pint above it with a sign reading “THIS IS YOUR SPEECH DOPE” above that to prevent a repeat of last year’s faux pas when Mr Cowen tried to deliver the president’s speech in error.

The acting Taoiseach will return with plenty of duty free in just over a week and is expected to commence work on his forthcoming autobiography.

A rough of the cover of acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s autobiography

It has emerged that the man standing on top of a big pile of Fine Gaelers singing “I’m the king of the castle get down yis filthy rascals” Enda Kenny was overruled by his party last week after he proposed a mandatory quota of female candidates.
“Sure isn’t that how you got in Edna?” asked Lucinda Creighton

Ms Edna Kenny TD, the first woman to not lead Fine Gael

“Just one more tiny little wafer thin voter’s paypacket…?”

Emergency Commercial Feature

In these uncertain times, when you can’t be sure of your future, your job, or even a correct diagnosis, isn’t it good to know that some things never change? Little things, like Harney’s Simple Explanation

Barry Gibb resigning yesterday

The world of falsetto anchored disco was reeling last night following the announcement by Barry Gibb that he is to resign his position as Jive Talker and Disco King immediately.

Stayin Alive?
Mr Gibb’s resignation throws more pressure on the limping crossover disco/folk album by the Bee Gees and folk group The Greens which is being recorded at huge expense. Industry insiders warn that the album will be shit anyway

Minister for Arse All and Antics Martin Cullen pictured in happier days

Minister for Arse All and Antics Martin Cullen has tonight resigned from Cabinet and the Dáil due to the chronic backstory that has been troubling him severely in recent months.

Mr Cullen was unable to attend an event today with the president of Timor-Leste, Dr Jose Ramos-Horta, who didn’t notice his absence while on a State visit to Ireland.

In his resignation statement, which was made on the plinth at Leinster House at 7.30pm, Mr Cullen said he was proud to have represented the self interest of the Fianna Fail voters of Waterford and to have served in successive Fianna Fáil-led heists.

“I have always enjoyed the foriegn travel and fine dining afforded me by junkets, however my consultant’s advice is that I have tumbled out of my last helicopter” he said continuing; “… it is with regret that I must now retire from public life and start spending those pensions”.

The Waterford TD’s departure from the Cabinet will provide acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen with further latitude as he attempts to give his Government a fresh look in a reshuffle over the next two weeks. Ironically this will take place after the annual Shamrock & Vomit Junket season.

Social networking phenomenon Twitter said last night it has ‘no confidence’ in Green Party chairman Dan Boyle, despite the motion of confidence in the Minister for Defense passed by the Dail yesterday evening with the support of Green Party TDs.

The social networking site used itself to convey the view and said the Cork Senator’s position “is compromised”.

Twitter said:

“As regards to Senator Boyle I don’t have confidence in him. His situation is compromised. Probably be a few chapters in this story yet LOL ROFLMAO FTW?!!.”

Twitter said it was unhappy at what transpired yesterday in the Dáil. “Not happy with what happened today. Believe Greens (sic) are arseholes. Pls RT.”

The decision to hold the motion in the Dáil yesterday afternoon came after the Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny screamed out his intention earlier this week to table a motion of no confidence in the Minister, to be taken in Opposition time next week.

Willie O’Dea explaining his honest mistake to the Dail yesterday

Opening the motion yesterday afternoon, acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen defended Mr O’Dea, saying that he “had made a genuine mistake”. The Taoiseach was critical of the Opposition’s intention to table a motion of no confidence in the Minister for Defence, who Mr Cowen descrtibed as the “…best Minister for Defence in recent times. Describing him as “the best Minister for Defence in recent times” suggests that there is no criteria other than whether or not a defense minister can be judged solely on the basis of having actively prevented any invasions lately. It also makes one wonder who was the worst Minister for Defence given our uninvaded status since 1922.

“I’ve heard people on the Opposition benches trying to propagate the myth that the Minister is in breach of the Cabinet code of conduct,” Mr Cowen blustered petulantly, “ but this is once again a case of political discourse from the Opposition benches generating more heat than light. In any case, we have no code, no honour, nada, zip, fuck all”

The Government won the motion of confidence in Minister for Defence Willie O’Dea yesterday evening by 80 votes in favour and 69 against. That’s 80 people. Surely there must be at least 800 people out there willing to attempt a citizen’s arrest on the charge of aiding and abetting a criminal after the fact?