Noonan hails Irish citizens as “Heroes”

Friday, December 13th, 2013
"The Irish people are the real heroes and heroines of the bailout" - Reichschancellor Noonan

“The Irish people are the real heroes and heroines of the bailout” – Reichschancellor Noonan

The Reichschancellor for Finance Michael Noonan has hailed the Irish people as the real heroes of the bailout. Mr Noonan made his comments as he marked the official end of the bailout which will continue to blight the Irish people for decades. Luckily now that they are officially heroes they will spend the time paying for the now non-existent bailout in their top secret hero caves and fortresses heated by their x-ray vision.

Mr Noonan, a qualified secondary school teacher from Limerick today said that the Irish people are the ‘real heroes and heroines’ of the bailout exit as they had borne the brunt of the programme, which he said had seen the government take 270 different actions across the board, but not one action against any boardroom.

Fears For Survival of Satire as Former Taoiseach Launches Management Consultancy

Sunday, November 10th, 2013

20131110-114448.jpg

Satire is this morning feared dead following the announcement by the last ever MaFFianna Fail Taoiseach Brian Cowen that he is to run a management consultancy from his Offally home!

Details of Mr Cowen’s “comedy gold” idea are sketchy, but it is thought that services offered will include learning modules for his clients’ senior executives. The modules will give Mr Cowen the opportunity to use structured FAQs to impart his particular experience in areas like:

Pouring Piss Out of a Boot – how to do it; what if I can’t find the instructions written on the heel? What if my liver is too tired to let me focus on the heel? How do I invest responsibility for the puddle of boot piss in others?

Another popular module will be targeted at micro managers who need to learn to back away and allow their business’ own systems and processes work by themselves. This module is called Relax! Let The Two Car Funeral Fuck Itself Up.

A leading management consultant who didn’t wish to be named has described Mr Cowen’s entry into the field of management consultancy as being “like Grace Kelly opening a driving school in Monaco”

Tributes Pour In For Elvira Gulch, Dead At 87

Monday, April 8th, 2013
Elvira Gulch, Wicked WItch of The West, and former Librarian who passed away earlier today

Elvira Gulch, Wicked WItch of The West, and former Librarian who passed away earlier today. She is pictured here negotiating with the IRA

Elvira Gulch, the former Wicked Witch of The West, has died at the age of 87.
Gulch, who ruled most of the central and western plains of Oz between 1979 and 1990, evapourated after somebody finally threw a bucket of water over her, her spokesflyingmonkey said.

The former Wicked Witch had lived a withdrawn life after leaving active Munchkin and Cowardly Lion terrorising.

The ‘Evil Old Witch’ was an intensely divisive figure, revered by many – but also remembered for an agenda of privatising public services, facing down the powerful Lollipop League, as well as introducing the widely-despised Scarecrow Support ‘poll tax’.

Taoiseach Edna Kenny expressed his deep sorrow at the news, remarking that “I have for a long time modelled my own hairstyle on that guy. He was a trailblazer”. President Michael D. Higgins, himself a Claddagh Munchkin wrote a lovely poem but nobody could find a box tall enough to get him up to the microphone to read it in time so he went and had a little nap in a drawer.  Not all reactions were quite so benign however.

The Tin Man said that her policies had a negative effect against both the people of Emerald City, Munchkinland and the ribbon communities all along the Yellow Brick Road. The Tin Man went on to say  that while he was aware of the Enchanted Orchard, he was never actually in it.

In other obituaries three people have said that they are upset about the death of the Labour Party. “Party? It’s been more like an extended wake than a party since at least 2011” one Labour voter too ashamed to be identified told our reporter.

Dail Reform Gathers Pace As Fine Gael and Labour Don’t Hire Some Family Members

Tuesday, June 7th, 2011

It has emerged that the promised reform of the Oireachtas and applying of the highest standards to public life is well under way with less than 500 family members having been appointed to jobs by Fine Gael TDs and Junior Minister.

Some Tds, such as Fine Gael Junior Minister Ciaran Cannon, have appointed a few family members to their team, but Fine Gael maintains this is only because you can’t get the help.

Team Cannon

Team Cannon (L-R): Ciaran Cannon (TD), Fergal Cannon (Legal Advisor), Mary 'The Tache' Cannon (Doorperson), Freddy 'Four Eyes Cannon (The Stash), Trixie (Driver), Marty 'Mephistopheles' Cannon (Schemes)

Labour TDs have also shown remarkable restraint with Arthur Spring (nephew of former Labour Dick Spring, son of former Labour TD Dan Spring) having appointed his brother as his parliamentary assistant. This was despite Labour Leader Eamon Gilmore insisting that TDs at least disguise anyone who looks like them with “some sort of a hat or wig”.

Arthur Spring has defended his appointment of his brother saying he is the best man for the job. I interviewed nineteen Springs in the Spring area, and graham is the best Spring for the job. He won the job amidst fierce competition form the Springs. If I could hire him a million times I would. He’s just the best Spring available to do stuff”.

Gilmore Warns Of Dangers of “Stealthy Gaelsreich”

Thursday, February 17th, 2011
Gilmore and Pike

Gilmore: "Pike"

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore warned voters of the dangers of handing an overall majority in the next Dáil to Fine Gael, claiming that his FG opponents were planning “A thousand year Gaelsreich of stealth taxes”.

Enda: Yoink

Enda: Yoink

Speaking in English, Irish and Breton, Mr. Gilmore claimed that, in power, Fine Gael would “sneak up on you from behind and then: ‘Yoink’ would go your money. That’s not the Labour way. We’ll come straight at you with a pike, cudgel or pitchfork”.

Enda Kenny, the most leader-like member of Fine Gael (a loose affiliatin of people not in Fianna Fáil) denied Mr Gilmore’s claims that there is a €5 billion “black hole” in his fiscal plans. “Fine Gael has a dedicated team of astrophysicists at work on our financial plans and they have assured me that at worst we might have a white dwarf, or possibly a vortex. We’re not sure about the vortex. It might just be a collection of Alan Shatter’s poetry.”

Shatter

Shatter: Poems

Martin Steps Out Of Shower

Tuesday, February 8th, 2011

“It Was Just A Dream” He Tells Shocked Electorate

Micheal Martin In Shower

Micheál Martin has not been part of a disasterous Fianna Fáil government tainted by accusations of corrupt cronyism, but was just showering. The shock revelation came at a Fianna Fáil press conference where Martin lucnhed the party’s proposals for reform.

“Imaginary, Dream Fianna Fáil were a terrible crowd,” admitted Martin, “Thankfully I’m out of the shower now, fragrant and real and I mean reformy business”.

“Selective In Our Audience”

The Fianna Fáil leader revealed that his party was on course to vastly improve the quality of the people voting for it, by deliberately slashing their numbers. “Although we will have far fewer seats, they will be of a very high standard, with possibly 80% more seaty goodness in each one. The days are gone when a Fianna Fáil TD could expect to represent any old constituent. Now we will be selecting only a few hand-picked constitutents to represent.”

“Abolish”

Fianna Fail has now pledged to abolish the Seanad. “The Seanad typifies the sort of political patronage and cronyism indulged in by Dream Fianna Fáil, with which I have nothing to do,” explained Martin. “Now that we’ll be appointing the cabinet randomly from our special friends, we simply don’t need the Seanad anymore”.

“Not That Payment”

Fianna Fáil also pledged to end huge payments for ministers after they have left their ministerial post. However Mr. Martin’s payment of about €90,000 as a former minister will not be affected, since it was given to Dream Micheál Martin and not the real showering one while we were all asleep.

Fine Gael Taken To National School

Friday, February 4th, 2011

DRAMATIC PICTURES of Fine Gael Leader Edna Kenny (Mrs) cradling his apoplectic finance spokesman Michael Noonan as deputy leader Dr James Reilly offers medical assistance

Fine Gael, the party which differs alphabetically if not idealogically from Civil War half-twin Fianna Fail, faced a fresh gaffe this morning as another media event planned to highlight the party’s supremacy backfired and was brought to a premature halt.

The drama unfolded at a primary school in Kildare where the Fine Gael canvass was staging a photo opportunity. Taking staged questions from Junior and Senior Infants at Kildockhenry National School Edna Kenny (Mrs) was thrown when Zoe Murphy (6) asked him to explain the difference between his party and Fianna Fail. Visibly shaken, Kenny referred the question to his Finance Spokesman Michael Noonan who himself cracked under the steely resolve of Zoe who is described by her grandparents as being “A very dertermined Little Miss when she gets the bit between her teeth”

Noonan quickly lapsed into an apoplectic trance-like state described by one eye witness as being “Like Michael Noonan, only stuck on Store Demo Mode like, y’know?”. The stricken Fine Gael veteran was then rushed from the classroom by Edna Kenny calling loudly for a medic and Dr James Reilly who told reporters “Youse are all lookin’ at me”

Renewing Ireland

Friday, February 4th, 2011

IRELAND OFFICIALLY SCREWED – MATTIE McGRATH KING FOR A DAY

Wednesday, January 26th, 2011

King Mattie offers some tips at his court

Ireland is officially through the looking glass as it now appears that former Fianna Fail rebel pain in the arse (now freelance independent rebel pain in the arse) Mattie McGrath may actually do the state some service by bringing down Dail Eireann without the deeply controversial measure of passing the Finance Bill.

Acting in conjunction with his fellow independent deputies Michael Lowry and Jackie Really-Madd, Mr McGrath may just do what countless disaffected voters would prefer Labour to do and bring this dysfunctional government to a close without shackling the State to a Finance Bill which underpins the IMF/ECB ‘bailout’ and makes provision for the cold dead hand of Fianna Fail to keep a grip on economic planning for the country they so completely crippled.

McGrath will doubtless be enjoying his day in the sun. Finally the Tipp TD and greyhound baron has a reason for wearing shades indoors.

Small Woodland Creatures Pull Out Of Burning Forest

Monday, January 24th, 2011

At a press conference held in a smouldering tree stump yesterday The Small Woodland Creatures Party announced that it was pulling out of the blazing forest. The Small Woodland Creature party has been part of the Bonfire Of Doom government since they historically agreed with the Shitting Bear Party to enter into a coalition and to provide kindling and a match to get the fire going following the last general election.

Eamon Weasel and John Pine Marten

Eamon Weasel and Small Woodland Creature Leader John Pine Marten

Small Furry Animal With Responsibility for Glowing Embers, Eamon Weasel, urged other larger animals and birdies to work together to ensure that the undergrowth in the forest was completely incinerated before handing over the forest to somebody who wants to grow things there.

Leader of the Small Woodland Creatures, John Pine Marten said “Our patience has run out and our fur is burny and hurty. Enough is enough, it is time this inferno ends. We want to go to the country immediately. There is no reason for us not to, bus fares are reasonable and you can get great deals in fire-damaged hotels in Connemara”.