It has emerged that the promised reform of the Oireachtas and applying of the highest standards to public life is well under way with less than 500 family members having been appointed to jobs by Fine Gael TDs and Junior Minister.

Some Tds, such as Fine Gael Junior Minister Ciaran Cannon, have appointed a few family members to their team, but Fine Gael maintains this is only because you can’t get the help.

Team Cannon (L-R): Ciaran Cannon (TD), Fergal Cannon (Legal Advisor), Mary 'The Tache' Cannon (Doorperson), Freddy 'Four Eyes Cannon (The Stash), Trixie (Driver), Marty 'Mephistopheles' Cannon (Schemes)

Labour TDs have also shown remarkable restraint with Arthur Spring (nephew of former Labour Dick Spring, son of former Labour TD Dan Spring) having appointed his brother as his parliamentary assistant. This was despite Labour Leader Eamon Gilmore insisting that TDs at least disguise anyone who looks like them with “some sort of a hat or wig”.

Arthur Spring has defended his appointment of his brother saying he is the best man for the job. I interviewed nineteen Springs in the Spring area, and graham is the best Spring for the job. He won the job amidst fierce competition form the Springs. If I could hire him a million times I would. He’s just the best Spring available to do stuff”.

Gilmore: "Pike"

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore warned voters of the dangers of handing an overall majority in the next Dáil to Fine Gael, claiming that his FG opponents were planning “A thousand year Gaelsreich of stealth taxes”.

Enda: Yoink

Speaking in English, Irish and Breton, Mr. Gilmore claimed that, in power, Fine Gael would “sneak up on you from behind and then: ‘Yoink’ would go your money. That’s not the Labour way. We’ll come straight at you with a pike, cudgel or pitchfork”.

Enda Kenny, the most leader-like member of Fine Gael (a loose affiliatin of people not in Fianna Fáil) denied Mr Gilmore’s claims that there is a €5 billion “black hole” in his fiscal plans. “Fine Gael has a dedicated team of astrophysicists at work on our financial plans and they have assured me that at worst we might have a white dwarf, or possibly a vortex. We’re not sure about the vortex. It might just be a collection of Alan Shatter’s poetry.”

Shatter: Poems

“It Was Just A Dream” He Tells Shocked Electorate

Micheál Martin has not been part of a disasterous Fianna Fáil government tainted by accusations of corrupt cronyism, but was just showering. The shock revelation came at a Fianna Fáil press conference where Martin lucnhed the party’s proposals for reform.

“Imaginary, Dream Fianna Fáil were a terrible crowd,” admitted Martin, “Thankfully I’m out of the shower now, fragrant and real and I mean reformy business”.

“Selective In Our Audience”

The Fianna Fáil leader revealed that his party was on course to vastly improve the quality of the people voting for it, by deliberately slashing their numbers. “Although we will have far fewer seats, they will be of a very high standard, with possibly 80% more seaty goodness in each one. The days are gone when a Fianna Fáil TD could expect to represent any old constituent. Now we will be selecting only a few hand-picked constitutents to represent.”

“Abolish”

Fianna Fail has now pledged to abolish the Seanad. “The Seanad typifies the sort of political patronage and cronyism indulged in by Dream Fianna Fáil, with which I have nothing to do,” explained Martin. “Now that we’ll be appointing the cabinet randomly from our special friends, we simply don’t need the Seanad anymore”.

“Not That Payment”

Fianna Fáil also pledged to end huge payments for ministers after they have left their ministerial post. However Mr. Martin’s payment of about €90,000 as a former minister will not be affected, since it was given to Dream Micheál Martin and not the real showering one while we were all asleep.

DRAMATIC PICTURES of Fine Gael Leader Edna Kenny (Mrs) cradling his apoplectic finance spokesman Michael Noonan as deputy leader Dr James Reilly offers medical assistance

Fine Gael, the party which differs alphabetically if not idealogically from Civil War half-twin Fianna Fail, faced a fresh gaffe this morning as another media event planned to highlight the party’s supremacy backfired and was brought to a premature halt.

The drama unfolded at a primary school in Kildare where the Fine Gael canvass was staging a photo opportunity. Taking staged questions from Junior and Senior Infants at Kildockhenry National School Edna Kenny (Mrs) was thrown when Zoe Murphy (6) asked him to explain the difference between his party and Fianna Fail. Visibly shaken, Kenny referred the question to his Finance Spokesman Michael Noonan who himself cracked under the steely resolve of Zoe who is described by her grandparents as being “A very dertermined Little Miss when she gets the bit between her teeth”

Noonan quickly lapsed into an apoplectic trance-like state described by one eye witness as being “Like Michael Noonan, only stuck on Store Demo Mode like, y’know?”. The stricken Fine Gael veteran was then rushed from the classroom by Edna Kenny calling loudly for a medic and Dr James Reilly who told reporters “Youse are all lookin’ at me”

King Mattie offers some tips at his court

Ireland is officially through the looking glass as it now appears that former Fianna Fail rebel pain in the arse (now freelance independent rebel pain in the arse) Mattie McGrath may actually do the state some service by bringing down Dail Eireann without the deeply controversial measure of passing the Finance Bill.

Acting in conjunction with his fellow independent deputies Michael Lowry and Jackie Really-Madd, Mr McGrath may just do what countless disaffected voters would prefer Labour to do and bring this dysfunctional government to a close without shackling the State to a Finance Bill which underpins the IMF/ECB ‘bailout’ and makes provision for the cold dead hand of Fianna Fail to keep a grip on economic planning for the country they so completely crippled.

McGrath will doubtless be enjoying his day in the sun. Finally the Tipp TD and greyhound baron has a reason for wearing shades indoors.

At a press conference held in a smouldering tree stump yesterday The Small Woodland Creatures Party announced that it was pulling out of the blazing forest. The Small Woodland Creature party has been part of the Bonfire Of Doom government since they historically agreed with the Shitting Bear Party to enter into a coalition and to provide kindling and a match to get the fire going following the last general election.

Eamon Weasel and Small Woodland Creature Leader John Pine Marten

Small Furry Animal With Responsibility for Glowing Embers, Eamon Weasel, urged other larger animals and birdies to work together to ensure that the undergrowth in the forest was completely incinerated before handing over the forest to somebody who wants to grow things there.

Leader of the Small Woodland Creatures, John Pine Marten said “Our patience has run out and our fur is burny and hurty. Enough is enough, it is time this inferno ends. We want to go to the country immediately. There is no reason for us not to, bus fares are reasonable and you can get great deals in fire-damaged hotels in Connemara”.

As the vote of confidence in Acting Taoiseach and Head Zombie Brian Cowen approaches, senior Fianna Fail members have lurched sickeningly to proclaim him the man to lead their Ship Of The Dead into the black ragged rocks on the Shores Of Oblivion.

Mary O'Rourkes

Mother Of The House Mary O’Rourke epitomised the resolve of her party to be both principled and decisive when stating on the radio earlier that she does not think Cowen is the best person to lead Fianna Fail (principle) and will therefore vote in favour of him (decision). Mrs. O’Rourke was speaking to journalists who found her shopping in Aldi in Longford Town. “This is a shite shop, I buy everything here,” she confided wittily to reporters.

The Goo-drenched Minister For Justice Of The Damned, Dermot Ahern

Meanwhile Dermot Ahern, Minister For The Justice Of The Damned, has delighted the electorate by sticking them with Cowen for another few weeks ahead of the forthcoming general election. “I believe strongly that Brian Cowen is the man to lead Fianna Fail into the Underworld,” he breathed in a horrible monotone before biting off the head of a reporter and feasting on the anti-Fianna Fail Narrative goo in his brain.

Emperor Lenihan

Minster For The IMF And Corner Turning, Brian Lenihan, whom many feel is likely to lead the other Fianna Fail TD after the general election, is set to announce his support for Brian Cowen in the vote as well. “Sssssgghhggshhghshhhllll…..,” he explained off the record to a reporter during an early morning soul assimilation today.

An awed nation marvelled at the strength in depth of the Fianna Fail front bench as Minister Micheál Martin this evening resigned from the cabinet saying: “I can no longer allow the party to be humiliated by a sorry parade of weakness and indecision. It is therefore, with heavy heart and pursed lips that I have tendered my resignation to the Taoiseach who I will challenge for leadership of the party as he is not fit to lead it”.

However seconds later it emerged that, in a characteristically brilliant political manouvre, Brian Cowen had refused to accept this resignation, leaving only one option open to his colleague and adversary. Martin explained:

“I can no longer allow the party to be humiliated by a sorry parade of weakness and indecision. It is therefore with heavy heart and pursed lips that I have accepted the refusal of the Taoiseach of my resignation. I will now challenge him in an atmosphere of mutual respect for leadership of the party. Or I might kiss him. I’m so afraid and confused. Human emotional relationships are a continuum, you know?”

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen is not out of the woods yet. On top of former Anglo chief David Drumm’s allegations that he asked the NTMA to deposit money with Anglo Irish, it has now emerged that Jedward approached the Fianna Fail leader as early as Week Four of The X Factor in 2009 asking him to persuade members of Fianna Fail to vote for them. The Taoiseach had previously denied doing this, although he has admitted saying “Fair play to them, Ireland needs a lift, going forward” when questioned during Week Six in the Dail about the performances of the mental-haired twosome on the popular British horror show.

Jedward

Jedward released a statement to The Emergency in the erarly hours of this morning with their version of events:

“Oh my God! brian Cowen ilke totally promised he’d get all those, like, politician guys in Fianna Fein, or Labour Gael, or, like whatever, to phone in and vite for us in like Week Four of the X Factor. We were like: ‘Oh my God! That’s like totally, like amaaaaaaazing!!!!!!!’, cos like that Ivor Callely guy is one of them, right? And he has like a million billion trillion phones just on his own!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

However, Jedward did admit that this was just “some stuff we’re like saying?” and that there was no proof, it being just the word of a complete idiot against that of a pop duo.

Mary Byrne is a lovely woman altogether.