Lovingly captured on on a videogramatical cylinder this performance formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009. This marked the performance debut of the song “Hey Brian”.
Professor Brendan D’luckyfuck is pictured leaving the HSE
The familiar of Mighty Jabba the Health and head of the Huge Senseless Executive (HSE), Professor Brendan D’luckyfuck, has announced he will not seek to have his contract renewed when his term comes to an end next year.
Speaking this afternoon, Prof D’luckyfuck said: “When I came into this post I said that I would be here for a five-year period.
“I won’t be seeking a renewal of my contract next year but that doesn’t say that over the next I don’t have a huge mess to consolidate” he told The Emergency
Prof D’luckyfuck said he felt his five-year term in charge showed his “commitment for the country” in changing the system into something even more unwieldly than regional health boards. “I preside over a national health board containing all of the old regional health boards – before the HSE came along, each of these regional boards had to waste money and resources independently of eachother – now all that can be done centrally at the flick of a switch” he said – though he did later phone to say it was really at the flick of several different switches left over from the old wiring plan, “[and] one big new one”
He said there was a challenge to change the system over the period he was in charge and it was important “to keep a focus on changing deadlines or something gets done”.
Prof D’luckyfuck added that he was afraid of staying in the post for too long saying “ten years for me is actually too long for somebody to keep getting away with murder”.
“This is a massive challenge and one we need to see in the context of where we’ve come from. At least the health service is now in the midst of transformation . . . as opposed to before my tenure, when it was constantly…er….changing. We have delivered between five and six hundred million in savings a year over the past couple of years”. Thats the equivalent of a single man on the average national wage not using a five euro note to light the fire this year or last year.
“At least now we have put in place detailed performance measures . . . we now have a fabulous primary-care infrastructure going in across this country,” Prof D’luckyfuck said. “People said it wouldn’t happen, and will still have the opportunity to say this when it is supposed to be in place by the end of 2012.
However, he added: “We are going to have to take out over a couple of years 6,000 jobs or alternatively we’re going to have to reduce what we spend in other areas, including on pay – it’ll be a struggle to keep management and administration staff on otherwise, in the face of the ongoing cost of putting up with these pesky sick people, they’re the real problem.”
Prof D’luckyfuck will sadly be unlikely to benefit from any form of therapy for his chronic delusions, but hey at least he didn’t light the fire with a fiver the last couple of years, eh?
The Licensed Vintners Association has appealed to the government to support the pub industry which they say has had to shed 5,000 jobs in the current recession.
Among the dmands by the LVA are:
The last of these requests, that the legal blood alcohol level for drivers remain at 100mg and not be reduced to the proposed 80mg level, is to protect dwindling business in rural pubs. LVA spokesbarman Francie “The Head” O’Toole claimed that “there is no difference to the effectiveness of a driver at the 80mg level as opposed to the 100mg level. In fact as an experiement recently in a country pub in County Limerick, all the customers spent the evening drinking lemonade and still twelve of them caused serious motor accidents on the way home. Drink has been villified. They’re just shite drivers, is all they are”.
This marks a shift on the part of the LVA which is a member of the group Mature Enjoyment of Alcohol in Society (MEAS), whose information website drinkaware.ie states that it is “advised not to mix drink with … driving”.
LVA spokesbarman Francie “The Head” O’Toole has defended that apparent anomaly saying: “Of course we absolutely advise people not to drink and drive. But on the other hand it would be wrong of us to start dictating the amount people drink if they foolishly choose to ignore our heartfelt admonition in this regard. You might as well be the Taliban if you’re going to force your ideas about good and evil on people like that”.
Justice John Cookthebooksabitbetterthistime has set a date for another hearing of the petition by 7 companies in the charmingly titled Zoe group seeking the appointment of an examiner.
Justice Cookthebooksabitbetterthistime gently admonished the petitioners for witholding their business plan in the earlier application, which was refused by what used to be the highest court in the land. However he said this did not in his opinion constitute a “malevolent” attempt to mislead the court.
“I’m giving ye another shot at it, lads” intoned the judge, “but this time I want to see some real malevolence in your efforts to mislead the court. Put your backs into it. Cackle a bit at least, for the love of Christ”.
The unwillingness of banks to provide letters expressing a willingness to support the future existence of the companies in question was described as “unsurprising” in the current “circumstances”. However Justice Cookthebooksabitbetterthistime thought that it would be hugely entertaining to see the contents of the business plan not supplied last time as it “must be a cracker”.
In other court news Frederick “Slash Them Open And Rent Out The Gash As A Studio Apartment” O’Toole has been granted leave to appeal a murder verdict on the grounds that his victim was only killed “a little bit” which was “not all that bad when you consider the current economic climate and recession and stuff, in fairness, like”
From The Emergency an appeal to Brian Cowen to come off it as we head back towards engagement. Altogether now: “Na-na-na NAMA NAMA; NAMA NAMA. Hey, Brian!”
Recorded by Paddy Meegan at Hollywood Studios
In a late breaking shock development on reports in yesterday’s Irish Sunday Ihateforiegners concerning misuse of a state car and driver by the Attorney General’s dog, scientists at University College Oughterard have this morning revealed that a parasitic fungus has for several years been driven around at tax payers’ expense in official vehicles and even on the government jets.
The fungus, which is scum like in appearance and consistency, has been identified and classified as F1-ANA-FA11, a most dangerous and persistent parasite according to Dr Pearse Lobe of the TCD Dept of Political Science at UCO: “This thing is tenacious, motivated and worst of all cornered – and it knows only one thing, namely how to survive…on about €4K a day in some extreme cases we’ve seen in the lab”
It seems that there is little hope of respite from the ongoing drain on public resourses. F1-ANA-FA11 and it’s associated symbiotes 1-XPD and TWATS seem set to ravage the country for some forseeable time; but is there any hope? Dr Pearse Lobe thinks that there may be.
“Some of us are pinning our hopes on H1-N1 wiping them all out” he told reporters
Minister for Defence Willie O’Dea pictured earlier last week relaxing in Limerick
Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has denied that his legacy has been wiped out by the current economic crisis.
In an interview at the weekend which left thousands of Newstalk listeners emotionally damaged, caused 400 to choke and forced a Kerry pensioner to inadvertently mail himself to his brother in Nairobi, Mr Ahern, a sports journalist and amateur politician, also claimed that the Irish housing bubble had not made the current crisis worse here.
“There has always been bubbles, there always will be bubbles. You can’t run a decent sized communal bath without bubbles,” declared Ahern (13) who seemed at times confused and malevolent.
Mr. Ahern also refuted accusations that he was in any way to blame for the recession, saying that politicians could only be held responsible for stuff that happened when they were in power, or at least only when caught rapid.
Mr. Ahern reportedly earns a modest fortune lecturing on The Celtic Tiger, for which he claims to be responsible up to the point it fell on it’s stripey arse. Additionally he has been to loads of football games which qualifies him to write about it in the highly regarded biodegradeable chip wrapper, News Of The Chests.
Dozens of citizens hit by successive failures of the money crop in Ireland threw off their clothes, formed a orderly queue on the slipway at Seapoint, Co. Dublin and attempted to swim to a new life in Wales.
Friends and relatives watched tearfully as the desperate swimmers struck out to sea in the hope of finding fortune in the Principality.
“We know it’s a long shot,” admitted one of the shivering emigrants, “but if Charlotte Church can make a fortune, then we feel we should have no bother at all doing it”.
For older observers the scene brought back dreadful memories of the 70s when fifty builders from Monkstown attempted to float to The Isle of Man on three lilos which they had gaffa-taped together. That trip ended in failure, with the builders misjudging the tides and being washed ashore four hours later in Bray, where they lost their few remaining coppers in the slot machines.
Unfinance Minister Brian Lenihan TD with his brother Conor Lenihan TD pictured getting ready for ‘work’
Minister for Unfinance Brian Lenihan insisted this evening the Notional Asset Mismanagement Agency (NAMA) would not be a “bail-out” for banks and developers.
Following final publication of draft legislation the agency will be in a position to buy up loans at a discount and chase debts.
A confident and relaxed Mr Lenihan, in between sips of water, insisted that the plan was not designed to protect the big builders at the centre of the country’s property bubble.
“There is nothing clearly written in the proposed Bill that will provide a ‘bail-out’ for borrowers, whether builders, developers or otherwise,” Mr Lenihan told a press conference at ‘Government’ Buildings.
“Anyone who owes money before NAMA…. continues to owe it…. and is expected to….ehm…. repay the full amount of the debt……ehm….ehm….stop looking at me”
The NAMA plan will be open for consultation until September when the Dail returns after living it up for the summer.
“It’s essential that the banks are in a position to be a motor of credit in our economy,” Mr Lenihan said. “We all know the numerous problems that have affected Irish banks – the lack of regulation, the placement of insulated self serving cabals on boards, the sickening incestuous relationship between financiers, lobbyists and legislators…..but none of that is important now. What is important is for me to stop drinking this water which has been liberally laced with sodium pentothol before I blow the jig on the whole fecking mess” he said, before concluding “My mouth is very dry now. The government of which I am a part is ludicrously unprepared on every level for anything and has been beaten at Monopoly and Cleudo by a tank of goldfish, one of whom was dead at the time…..I frequently have rude dreams about the Minister for Health, Lassie and a jelly factory”.
Following several hours of soul searching and some heartfelt begging not to, the government has opted to publish the report by ‘An Bord Fuck Youa’ which proposes cuts of €5.2billion in expenditure.
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