The Acting Chancellor of The Exchequer, George Osborne has said Britain is ready to help its closest neighbour Ireland.

Anglo-Irish Aristocrat And Current Acting Chancellor Of The Exchequer George Osborne

"Ireland is the only country we share a border with," the Acting Chancellor explained, "It is in Britain’s interests to help ensure the Irish banking system is sound"

Mr. Osborne has been a fan of "The Irish miracle" since at least 2006 when he wrote in The Sunday Times urging Britain to follow the Irish lead using innovative methods to create a real and lasting boom. These methods included low corporate tax bribes to foreign multi-nationals, lending free money to idiots, carefully managing the price of property, nodding, winking and brown envelopes.

Mr. Osborne is the heir to the Osborne baronetcy of Ballentaylor, in County Tipperary, and Ballylemon, in County Waterford. He regularly attends the Ballentaylor Forelock Tugging Festival to receive the tugs of the locals each spring.

The Acting Chancellor has described his willingness to lend billions of British taxpayers’ money to the beleaguered colony of Ireland as "neighbourly". Osborne has hit back at eurosceptic Tory critics of British support for an Irish bailout insisting that it Britain would get the money back. However he did concede that it was unlikely that 5,000,000 cups of sugar lent to Sligo last Tuesday would ever be seen again and further admitted that the lawnmower he lent to Brian Lenihan in September was liable to be in an unusable state even it were ever returned.

Olli Rehn: I'm On A Pig

The Emergency Breaking News has exclusive advance text of an address to the Irish People due to be made from a beach by EU Commissioner Olli Rehn later today:

“Hello, Bog Pigs. Look at your country. Now back to me. Now back at your country. Now back to me.

“Sadly your country isn’t me, but if it stopped using banky-scented hogwash and switched to Olli Spice, it could smell like it’s me.

“Look down. back up. Where are you? You’re on a boat floating in an endless ocean of shite with the man your country could smell like.

“What’s in your hand? Back at me. I have it, It’s an oyster with two one way tickets to that country you’d love to emigrate to. Look again. The tickets are now free cheese.

“Any f*cked up shit is possible when your country smells like Olli Spice and not a greasy FF septic tank mishap.

“I’m on a pig.”

Seanad Leader Donie “The Dancing Leprechaun” Cassidy has told reporters ity is not easy to cover living costs, expenses and a bald head on a senator’s basic salary of €65k.

Senator Donie Cassidy: Hard To Run Wig On €65K

“Many Senators have a family to support, often their own,” explained the Seanad Leader, whose head is a national park containing a protected species. “We have taken a pay cut and paid our levies. We earn less than judges even though we protect the constitution by selflessly traveling hundreds of miles from our holiday homes to snooze selflessly in the Seanad. I mean, judges, what do they do really that’s so great?”

Senator Cassidy receives a basic salary of around €65,000 as well as an additional payment to cover the extra expenses involved in his role as leader of the Seanad. These expenses include global travel on St Patrick’s Day and a head-mounted leash. Senator Cassidy has denied the extra payment is exorbitant. “It’s only 9 grand more than a fellow on the dole gets. Sure what’s 9 grand in the scheme of things? And ye’re askin’ a lot of questions, me bucko. Is it me pot of gold ye do be after?”.

Senator Cassidy then ended the press conference by dancing a little evil jig and disappearing in what witnesses variously described as “the twinkling of an eye” and “A 10 reg. Mercedes Benz”.

The Central Bank has issued a commemorative coin in the denomination €15 billion on the anniversary of the first coins issued by the Irish Free State in 1928. The coin features two horses in recognition of the work of racing enthusiast Charlie McCreevy in propelling the country towards the day when each man woman and child in ireland will require a purse full of such coins to purchase a pint of milk.

15 Billion Euro Coin

The first coins issued by the Free State were made of turf and blood and were from seventeen feet to thirty-four feet in diameter. Some months later the first bank notes were issued. these were composed of counties the first one in circulation being the ten bob Louth.

The Minister For Financial Ruin, Mr. Brian “The Stare” Lenihan, has claimed that the €50 billion bailout of the banks by Irish citizens will be worth it when Irish banking is restored to its “former greatness”.

Brian Lenihan Looks The Country In The Eye

A spokesperson for The Irish People welcomed this clarification in a statement written on cardboard and tied around his neck in a doorway on Molesworth Street earlier this morning.

The statement from The Irish People reads:

“We are very sorry for ever doubting your intentions, Mr Lenihan, sorr. Begorrah and it’s the gentleman ye are for to be taking the spittle out of our childer’s mouth for to lubricate the bollix of the banks as they shin back up the razor blade of ignomony to their Former Greatness. Any chance of an aul twig to build a rudimentary shelter for the night cos the gutters is fairly overcrowded this weather and no harm to ye?”

Meanwhile a spokesvampire from the banking sector has also welcomed the minister’s support. “During our Former Greatness we overcharged, evaded tax, lent ourselves money to lend back to ourselves and generally acted the maggot in a way which became a template for the world,” the spokesvampire explained at a press conference in the Central Crypt in Dublin this morning. “Now we have lost the respect of all the international brothers in bloodsucking, but with this generous donation on behalf of the next few generations we feel we can back on the pig in no time flat”.

Meanwhile the EU has again warned that Ireland must have a forty year budget plan, scrap low corporate tax and get back into its box. Construction work on the box has been halted due to lack of funding.

The Minister for Obfuscation, Lethargy & Unnatural Reflexes Eamon Ryan has rejected claims that a 5% rise in electricity prices will result in prices for electricity which are 5% higher.

Small business representatives have claimed that the price rise will result in higher prices which will adversely affect the amount of money they have to pay for electricity.

Eamon Ryan Demonstrates A Revolutionary New Glowing Bike At A Condescension Breakfast This Morning

However Minister Ryan pointed out that prices for electricity have fallen 30% recently leading to greater competitiveness of Irish firms. “Obviously that has to be nipped in the bud,” he explained at an early morning Condescension Breakfast attended by jaded press goons and bicycling fans. “The more competitive Irish businesses become, the more people they employ and the greater the strain on our limited resources. The extra job fallout from the extra competitiveness will result in higher carbon emissions and the inevitable extinction of most primates”.

Demonstrating a revolutionary new bike: “The Small Glowing Bicycle”, which is small but glows, the minister delighted and amused the younger members of his audience, whilst at the same time explaining that he had now denied the correlation between price rises and higher prices and that was that.

The Chairman of Anglo, Alan “The Ash Zombie” Dukes has beeen explaining to admirers the €8.2 billion loss by Anglo Irish Bank in the first 6 months of this year. The losses are the best ever by any Irish company, which Mr. Dukes points to as proof of Anglo’s contribution to Irish cultural life.

Dukes: Worse-than-expected Haircut

The losses include “write-downs”, “haircuts”, “whoopsies” and “shit that just slipped down the back of the couch when the kids were messing about with it”.

Mr. Dukes insists that Anglo Irish Bank’s plan to create a small good bank will work, despite the fact that the ECB, many leading economists and the majority of dogs have pointed out the plan’s over-reliance on the existence of goblins, faeries and “a bottomless pit of gold”.

Anglo bosses will not say whether the €25 billion already given to the bank by the government will turn out to be sufficient but have issued a statement reading simply “Fingers crossed, lads  ”.

Green Party Chairman Dan Boyle, who owns the Twitter, today intimated that the Greens are “Leaning Towards” the policy of a quicker wind down of Anglo Irish “Bank”. Up to now the Greens have pursued a strict policy of “Teetering Towards” the government policy of keeping Anglo going at any cost whatsoever. However over the summer it is known that senior Green Party members openly discussed adopting a policy of either “Wavering” or “Wobbling”.

There are unconfirmed reports that an associate of Mr. Boyle’s was heard at a meeting of wind enthusiasts claiming that in the last analysis the party might even adopt a policy of “Jumping Up And Down Three Times, Yipping Like A Poodle With A Chili Up Its Ass And Falling Accidentally Over The Edge Into The Abyss” unless government policy is amended at the upcoming meeting of the GreeFF cabinet.

In a statement Mr. Boyle said:

“It has always been the policy of the Green Party, and we have a proud and demonstrable record of this in not just one but many areas at …”

At which point the Green Chairman ran out of characters, shrugged, held up a placard reading “#biteme” and wandered off.

In a sponsorship deal believed to worth 500% of Ireland’s GDP, The International Monetary Fund is to contribute massively towards the redevelopment of Ireland.

Plans for the new Ireland will be available for the public to view shortly in a cupboard at the IMF headquarters in Washington DC. The plan is expected to involve the demolition of the existing Ireland, providing jobs for Four million Irish people each of whom will be employed to destroy himself or herself to make way for one of the new slimline “population units” to be introduced by 2015.

The first phase of the plan will involved the redevelopment of Leinster House in to a giant open-air puppet theatre. The new Leinster House will be named “The IMF Stadium” and will provide seating for up to 166 marionettes as well as 60 new sock puppets (formerly known as “senators”).

Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan welcomed the development in a statement: “The fact that the IMF is willing to accept the blood of three generations of Irish citizens as loan collateral is proof yet again of Positive International Opinion in favour of the Tough Decisions made by this ‘Government’. We have turned a corner and are feverishly applying opposite lock – a manoeuvre which should reduce the loss of life to Irish citizens to less than 60%”.

The new oireachtas, The IMF Stadium will be aggressively marketed in a unique voting package offer which will see lucky punters able to vote in a Fianna Fail government for the next four general elections by purchasing a special 4-for-1 Golden Ballot. The package is competitively priced at €22 billion a shot.

The European Commission has “temporarily approved” further cash injections in struggling gentleman’s club Anglo Irish.

NEW LOOK AT ARNOTT’S: Anglo Irish Gentleman’s Club Grand Whackmaster Ronán O’Slippery – Bogpig arrives to man the tills at Arnott’s early this morning.

The Commission has said the further capital injection is necessary to ensure global confidence among world gentleman in the continued gentlemanly corpulence in the Anglo Irish club. However the Commission has wanred that this a temporary decision pending its full assessment of a restructuring plan for Anglo Irish Gentleman’s club.

The plan is believed to include a drastic cutback in access to the humidor, a ban on members playing “thrash the prole” in the Big Elk Room and a 50% reduction in golf accessories and Bollinger allowances. The latter will see members scraping by on a magnum a day during the week.

Along with Ulsterbank, Anglo has also assumed control of Dublin Department Store Arnott’s. Anglo Grand Whackmasters have poo-poohed criticism of their lack of experience in the retail sector, pointing out that for some time recently Anglo was capable of selling the idea that it was an actual bank with real money and everything and so can probably sell knockdown twinsets on the high street without too much bother.