The Chairman Designate of Anglo Irish Bank, former Fine Gael Minister For Finance, freelance Crazy Old Coot and keen amateur sitarist, Alan Dukes, has confirmed that the bank may be “floated off” in the future.

Mister Dukes, who hinted recently that he might get a crack at various outlandish plans for the utterly disgraced and banjaxed bank (see The Emergency Breaking News 04.03.2010) , has told The Emergency that it is possible to see circumstances where the bank could be floated up: way way up into the clear blue skies of forever.

"Just because Anglo is a black hole sucking the bite out of the mouths of Irish citizens as we speak right now," quipped Mr. Dukes in a specially convened smoking area in the corner of Stephen’s Green this morning, "Doesn’t mean that at some stage am even dafter old coot – say Garret Fitzgerald for example – might light a fire under the bank, forcing me to decide whether to save the bank or an exotic almost-extinct former Taoiseach. I don’t need to tell you I’d barely pause to put me butt before I lashed out the helium".

Laid back banker and former politician Alan Dukes has proposed that Anglo Irish Bank could be reinvented as a “Third Banking Force” owned by the government and giving loans to business.

Banking Guru & Amateur Sitarist, Alan Dukes

Speaking on Pat Kenny’s light-hearted radio programme "Chuckles With Pat" this morning, Mr. Dukes pointed out that we need expertise in the property area to manage the NAMA properties and rebuild the property business which collapsed partly because of experts in the property area and partly because there was a Third Banking Force lending pretend money to build floating moon castles and other vital social infrastructure.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen yesterday launched a comprehensive reform of the pension system, including the eventual raising of retirement age to 125. Additionally there will be a soft mandatory pension contribution (which does not involve hammers) on all workers aged 12 and over by 2014.

A Typical Pension Under The New Scheme

Workers who die before reaching retirement age will be reimbursed up to €10, or may optionally choose to be disinterred and reanimated at the appropriate juncture to enjoy the benefits of their retirement and pension.

People who work in the home for up to 10 years will get full credit for that time, whilst people who work in Leinster House for up to 10 days will get lorryloads of sweet cash, will be guaranteed pub lottery wins and are exempt from dying.

Have-a-Go crim “Bertie”

Residents in the north Dublin suburb of Drumcondra have been warned to exercise extra vigilence of their belongings following recent sightings of cheeky local ‘have-a-go’ con man Bertie Ahern – this time in far off Dubai.

An internet video of the loveable crim has surfaced showing him using his trademark mangled english to extoll the sturdiness of Dubai’s economy – barely a week later, that economy was revealed to be in ruins – believed to have disappeared into Bertie’s magical carpetbag.

Organisers of the event to promote Dubai on the world stage, local residents Sheikh Nik El Eeson and Leh Man al Bruthers broke down when they told The Emergency’s Breaking News Desk of their losses. “We all expected a few items to go missing from his hotel suite” Sheikh El Eeson said; “Soaps, showercaps, television sets, bedspreads – all of these we are used to, but this…this…what is the Irish word for him? Yes by the Profit! He is a shitehawk – this shitehawk has buggered us all with his financial jinx. He is an evil dji’in”

Leh Man al Bruthers was inconsolable; “Who will pay for the 1000s of cubic tonnes of snow that the Profit expects to adorn the rockery in my wadi? Who will drive me to public beheadings and loppings? Not ‘Lucky One-Stumped’ Abdul my chauffeur. Poor Lucky had only just escaped another lopping for a minor traffic offence and now I must lay him off to starve, leaving me with no option but to scowl impotently at my hangar full of Bentleys and Daimlers. The Profit has deserted us…in our….desert”.

This live performance of The 2009 Grand Bank Nationalisation sketch formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009.
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Lovingly captured on on a videogramatical cylinder this performance formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009. This marked the performance debut of the song “Hey Brian”.

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Professor Brendan D’luckyfuck is pictured leaving the HSE

The familiar of Mighty Jabba the Health and head of the Huge Senseless Executive (HSE), Professor Brendan D’luckyfuck, has announced he will not seek to have his contract renewed when his term comes to an end next year.

Speaking this afternoon, Prof D’luckyfuck said: “When I came into this post I said that I would be here for a five-year period.

“I won’t be seeking a renewal of my contract next year but that doesn’t say that over the next I don’t have a huge mess to consolidate” he told The Emergency

Prof D’luckyfuck said he felt his five-year term in charge showed his “commitment for the country” in changing the system into something even more unwieldly than regional health boards. “I preside over a national health board containing all of the old regional health boards – before the HSE came along, each of these regional boards had to waste money and resources independently of eachother – now all that can be done centrally at the flick of a switch” he said – though he did later phone to say it was really at the flick of several different switches left over from the old wiring plan, “[and] one big new one”

He said there was a challenge to change the system over the period he was in charge and it was important “to keep a focus on changing deadlines or something gets done”.

Prof D’luckyfuck added that he was afraid of staying in the post for too long saying “ten years for me is actually too long for somebody to keep getting away with murder”.

“This is a massive challenge and one we need to see in the context of where we’ve come from. At least the health service is now in the midst of transformation . . . as opposed to before my tenure, when it was constantly…er….changing. We have delivered between five and six hundred million in savings a year over the past couple of years”. Thats the equivalent of a single man on the average national wage not using a five euro note to light the fire this year or last year.

“At least now we have put in place detailed performance measures . . . we now have a fabulous primary-care infrastructure going in across this country,” Prof D’luckyfuck said. “People said it wouldn’t happen, and will still have the opportunity to say this when it is supposed to be in place by the end of 2012.

However, he added: “We are going to have to take out over a couple of years 6,000 jobs or alternatively we’re going to have to reduce what we spend in other areas, including on pay – it’ll be a struggle to keep management and administration staff on otherwise, in the face of the ongoing cost of putting up with these pesky sick people, they’re the real problem.”

Prof D’luckyfuck will sadly be unlikely to benefit from any form of therapy for his chronic delusions, but hey at least he didn’t light the fire with a fiver the last couple of years, eh?

The Licensed Vintners Association has appealed to the government to support the pub industry which they say has had to shed 5,000 jobs in the current recession.

Among the dmands by the LVA are:

• Reduce VAT on drink to protect the habits of those on social welfare
• Create a National Alcohol Management agency (NAMA) to buy up unused pints
• Secure an all-party agreement that the current cabinet be retained for the duration of the recession to underpin tunrover in the industry
• Maintain current legal alcohol limit rather than decreasing it as has been proposed

The last of these requests, that the legal blood alcohol level for drivers remain at 100mg and not be reduced to the proposed 80mg level, is to protect dwindling business in rural pubs. LVA spokesbarman Francie “The Head” O’Toole claimed that “there is no difference to the effectiveness of a driver at the 80mg level as opposed to the 100mg level. In fact as an experiement recently in a country pub in County Limerick, all the customers spent the evening drinking lemonade and still twelve of them caused serious motor accidents on the way home. Drink has been villified. They’re just shite drivers, is all they are”.

This marks a shift on the part of the LVA which is a member of the group Mature Enjoyment of Alcohol in Society (MEAS), whose information website drinkaware.ie states that it is “advised not to mix drink with … driving”.

LVA spokesbarman Francie “The Head” O’Toole has defended that apparent anomaly saying: “Of course we absolutely advise people not to drink and drive. But on the other hand it would be wrong of us to start dictating the amount people drink if they foolishly choose to ignore our heartfelt admonition in this regard. You might as well be the Taliban if you’re going to force your ideas about good and evil on people like that”.

Justice John Cookthebooksabitbetterthistime has set a date for another hearing of the petition by 7 companies in the charmingly titled Zoe group seeking the appointment of an examiner.

Justice Cookthebooksabitbetterthistime gently admonished the petitioners for witholding their business plan in the earlier application, which was refused by what used to be the highest court in the land. However he said this did not in his opinion constitute a “malevolent” attempt to mislead the court.

“I’m giving ye another shot at it, lads” intoned the judge, “but this time I want to see some real malevolence in your efforts to mislead the court. Put your backs into it. Cackle a bit at least, for the love of Christ”.

The unwillingness of banks to provide letters expressing a willingness to support the future existence of the companies in question was described as “unsurprising” in the current “circumstances”. However Justice Cookthebooksabitbetterthistime thought that it would be hugely entertaining to see the contents of the business plan not supplied last time as it “must be a cracker”.

In other court news Frederick “Slash Them Open And Rent Out The Gash As A Studio Apartment” O’Toole has been granted leave to appeal a murder verdict on the grounds that his victim was only killed “a little bit” which was “not all that bad when you consider the current economic climate and recession and stuff, in fairness, like”

From The Emergency an appeal to Brian Cowen to come off it as we head back towards engagement. Altogether now: “Na-na-na NAMA NAMA; NAMA NAMA. Hey, Brian!”

 Hey Brian [4:45m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Recorded by Paddy Meegan at Hollywood Studios