The former head of systemically important cesspit, Anglo Irish Bank, Mr. Sean FitzPension has been declared bankrupt after it became clear that the current heads of Anglo would not accept an alternative deal put to creditors by Mr FitzPensions Hired Goons.

Under the proposed deal, Mr FitzPension offered half his pension, the deeds to Crumlin & Kimmage and use of both the top hat and little dog pieces to creditors as part payment. However although some creditors were keen on this arrangement, Anglo said it did not believe it would get back any more of the €110 million owed to it under the proposed deal and insisted that anyway it had seen Mr FitzPension palming an extra 200 last time he passed go. A last ditch offer from FitzPensions Goons under which he would agree to hand back the tenner he won in a rigged beauty contest failed to move the new Anglo shitepilots and the Goons gave up and upended the board on the way out to the kitchen to make tea and sulk.

At no stage did Mr. FitzPension put his Get Out Of Jail Free Card on the table.

The Labour Party has vowed to remain firmly on the sidelines and to continue to “give a voice to the bemused dumbstruck rubbernecking masses at the scene of the Celtic Car Crash” despite slipping back into 3rd place in the recent Red C opinion poll.

Labour has gained enormously in popularity recently with it’s lovable rose logo and radical “name that doesn’t begin with ‘F’” policy.

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore has promised to keep pressure on the government by staring hard at them across the floor of the Dail. Read more »

Former Anglo Irish Bank chairman Seán FitzPatrick preparing to jump to hyperspace

Former Anglo Irish Bank chairman Seán FitzPatrick, who was released from Garda custody yesterday after almost twenty four whole hours of questioning, is taking measures to protect himself from his personal creditors, The Emergency has learned.

The most significant mechanism available to Mr FitzPatrick to shield himself from creditors is his use of some of the millions of euros of misappropriated money he loaned himself while CEO of Anglo to purchase a Tardis or other such time machine which will allow him to travel back in time to lend significant amounts of money to politicians and other bankers thus ensuring his immunity in our time as he will then know where all the bodies are buried – a rarely used protective measure under bankruptcy law.
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Gardai have finally arrested Sean FitzPatrick, the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo

In a bizarre move, the celebratory parade was held yesterday.

Shady Seanie indicating his preferred length of time in jail

Hard pressed directors of NAMA have been saved from death by a 70% pay increase, 3 months after their appointment. The Minister For Finance defended the emergency payment in the face of stupid opposition cat calls.

"Tibbles": NAMA Director-owned Ocelot Whose Death Has Been Narrowly Avoided

"It has become clear that the fee we originally set for the Chairman of NAMA (€100k) would not be sufficient to maintain the level of larks’ tongue consumption which international class bankers have an absolute right to expect," explained Mr. Lenihan. "After all if you want to manage €54 billion in assets, you can’t be expected to do it on an empty stomach, or without at least a moderate level of ermine".

The increased fees are being blamed on the fact that there would be more work for the directors of NAMA to do than had originally been thought to be the case. However officials have assured The Emergency that this is a one off arrangement and that the whole business will be over by Christmas. We were given this in writing and have in our hand the piece of paper signed this morning in Merrion Square and promising credit in our time.

The Chairman Designate of Anglo Irish Bank, former Fine Gael Minister For Finance, freelance Crazy Old Coot and keen amateur sitarist, Alan Dukes, has confirmed that the bank may be “floated off” in the future.

Mister Dukes, who hinted recently that he might get a crack at various outlandish plans for the utterly disgraced and banjaxed bank (see The Emergency Breaking News 04.03.2010) , has told The Emergency that it is possible to see circumstances where the bank could be floated up: way way up into the clear blue skies of forever.

"Just because Anglo is a black hole sucking the bite out of the mouths of Irish citizens as we speak right now," quipped Mr. Dukes in a specially convened smoking area in the corner of Stephen’s Green this morning, "Doesn’t mean that at some stage am even dafter old coot – say Garret Fitzgerald for example – might light a fire under the bank, forcing me to decide whether to save the bank or an exotic almost-extinct former Taoiseach. I don’t need to tell you I’d barely pause to put me butt before I lashed out the helium".

Laid back banker and former politician Alan Dukes has proposed that Anglo Irish Bank could be reinvented as a “Third Banking Force” owned by the government and giving loans to business.

Banking Guru & Amateur Sitarist, Alan Dukes

Speaking on Pat Kenny’s light-hearted radio programme "Chuckles With Pat" this morning, Mr. Dukes pointed out that we need expertise in the property area to manage the NAMA properties and rebuild the property business which collapsed partly because of experts in the property area and partly because there was a Third Banking Force lending pretend money to build floating moon castles and other vital social infrastructure.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen yesterday launched a comprehensive reform of the pension system, including the eventual raising of retirement age to 125. Additionally there will be a soft mandatory pension contribution (which does not involve hammers) on all workers aged 12 and over by 2014.

A Typical Pension Under The New Scheme

Workers who die before reaching retirement age will be reimbursed up to €10, or may optionally choose to be disinterred and reanimated at the appropriate juncture to enjoy the benefits of their retirement and pension.

People who work in the home for up to 10 years will get full credit for that time, whilst people who work in Leinster House for up to 10 days will get lorryloads of sweet cash, will be guaranteed pub lottery wins and are exempt from dying.

Have-a-Go crim “Bertie”

Residents in the north Dublin suburb of Drumcondra have been warned to exercise extra vigilence of their belongings following recent sightings of cheeky local ‘have-a-go’ con man Bertie Ahern – this time in far off Dubai.

An internet video of the loveable crim has surfaced showing him using his trademark mangled english to extoll the sturdiness of Dubai’s economy – barely a week later, that economy was revealed to be in ruins – believed to have disappeared into Bertie’s magical carpetbag.

Organisers of the event to promote Dubai on the world stage, local residents Sheikh Nik El Eeson and Leh Man al Bruthers broke down when they told The Emergency’s Breaking News Desk of their losses. “We all expected a few items to go missing from his hotel suite” Sheikh El Eeson said; “Soaps, showercaps, television sets, bedspreads – all of these we are used to, but this…this…what is the Irish word for him? Yes by the Profit! He is a shitehawk – this shitehawk has buggered us all with his financial jinx. He is an evil dji’in”

Leh Man al Bruthers was inconsolable; “Who will pay for the 1000s of cubic tonnes of snow that the Profit expects to adorn the rockery in my wadi? Who will drive me to public beheadings and loppings? Not ‘Lucky One-Stumped’ Abdul my chauffeur. Poor Lucky had only just escaped another lopping for a minor traffic offence and now I must lay him off to starve, leaving me with no option but to scowl impotently at my hangar full of Bentleys and Daimlers. The Profit has deserted us…in our….desert”.

This live performance of The 2009 Grand Bank Nationalisation sketch formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009.
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