Kenny Promotes ECB Bailout – Proclaims Fatwa On Morgan Kelly

Sunday, May 8th, 2011

Endama Bin Kenny pictured yesterday issuing threats against Ireland

Leader of the Continuity Coalition Endama Bin Kenny has issued a new video recording from his bunker believed to be either in Pakistan or somewhere in Kildare Street. In the threat the Al Fingaela leader reaffirms his commitment to Europe and proclaims a fatwa against UCD economist and unerringly accurate cassandra Morgan Kelly. This follows the latter’s pro default treatise printed in yesterday’s Daily Gael

“His children, and their children, and even their children after that will pay the ECB, may it be praised, for his insolence” the wild eyed Mayo Mullah declared, continuing; “It is a holy thing we do – even he who merely shoots himself in the foot in the time honoured way of Al Fingaela will be rewarded”.

The Continuity Coalition has pledged to carry on the policies of the previous “government” as proof of their fealty to Brussells and because it is “their turn”.

STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* Ayatollah Yer Fuckinmonee the head of NAMA has this afternoon formally announced moves to take over the Bin Laden compound in Abbotobad “In the national interest”

Quinn Insurance – We Let The Little Things Look After The Big Thing

Thursday, May 5th, 2011

QUINN GAMBLING INSURANCE...now with even MORE benefits for everyone


By everyone, we mean of course US and not YOU. Got it? Good. Now….GET OFF MY LAND PEASANTS!

Grand Bank Nationalisation (Broadcast on 4fm 04.04.11)

Tuesday, April 5th, 2011

The runners and riders line up for The 2011 Grand Bank Nationalisation, the Peter O’Sullivans are all in position round the course… and they’re off!!! “Over to you, Peter…!”

Read more »

Play

Reader’s Offer – From The Emergency Sports Desk

Wednesday, January 12th, 2011

This handsome calendar featuring key moments in sporting history is YOURS FREE! with only 320 Dev tokens. Just cut off the piece of your screen – the bit on the upper right – with Dev’s lovely benign face on it…buy (or steal if you’re from Fianna Fail!) another 319 screens to get the rest. Send them to us at:
Reader’s Offer
The Emergency
157A Lad Lane
Dublin 2

…and we’ll deny that we ever had this conversation

Lenihan Allays New Power Fears By Hiding What He’s Doing

Thursday, December 23rd, 2010

The Acting Minister For Finance, Brian Lenihan, has successfully applied for a court hearing concerning “a financial institutuion” to be held in camera, as it dealt with matters of “extreme commercial sensitivity” under new powers contained in the controversial Credit Institutions (Secretiveness) Act 2010. The Act was recently signed after the President had a “good hard look” at it.

Brian "The Stare" Lenihan

Acting Finance Minster Brian Lenhian With New Special Eyes Granted To Him Under The Recent Credit Institutions Act 2010

Mr. Lenihan, who has been fitted with special eyes under the act to help him see things in a special, secret way, said that this should now silence all the act’s detractors who claimed it gave too much power to the Minister For Finance. New powers given to the minister include:

  • The ability to move assets
  • The ability to act against the wishes of shareholders in an institution
  • The ability to choose menus, stationery and soft furnishings without consulting a chef or interior designer
  • The ability to replace some or all board members of the boards of financial institutions with cardboard cutouts or small soft toys such as badgers, dogs or otters
  • The ability to hide stuff in the cupboards
  • The ability to leap tall stories in a single bound

However Mr. Lenihan insisted fears were groundless now. “There is no need for concern about the act or the powers it gives me,” he explained, “because as you can now see I intend to hide everything in a locked room. At this time of difficulty for us all I have no intention of bothering people with anything I can hide, ignore or present incorrectly as the opposite of what it is in the National Interest. Move along now nothing to see here”.

Well Known Cabaret Act Turns Rapper

Thursday, December 16th, 2010

14 perCent – how low can rap go?

Lovable knockabout ‘comedy taoiseach’ Brian Cowen has announced a change of direction – despite being known for bouts of razor sharp wit, stirring rhetoric and the few bars of an oul’ song behind closed doors away out of the gaze of anyone but poll corrs and FFionan Sheahan, plucky Brian is relaunching as edgy urban rapper.

Styling himself 14 perCent the former clowen hopes to break the bank with his new song I Got 99 Problems But A Functioning Economy Isn’t One Of Them

We wish him well and hope that he emulates Biggy, Tupac, and whoever else in Detroit who has recently mixed rap with lead, fool.

AIB Executive Chairman Claims €40,000,000 Bonuses Are From “The Past”

Thursday, December 9th, 2010

AIB’s Executive Chairman David Hassomeneck, has explained that the payment of bonuses to a number of employees is not actually happening now but is a reflection of the past.

“There is a time-space anomaly, which has occurred in a fridge in the kitchen at AIB Head Office,” he explained earlier today, “and inevitably large and un-returnable sums of money occasionally fall through it from the past and into the present pockets of bankers. It’s a quantumy, string-theory kinda thing”.

AIB Bonus Fridge

A Fridge At AIB HQ In Which A Time-Space Anomaly Has Occurred Which Forces Un-returnable Cash Bonuses Into The Pockets Of Bankers From The Past

Leading cosmologists have rushed to back the AIB Exec. Chairman. Professor Hans Industrygoonstein, an economist and cosmologist at AIB, has confirmed that there is absolutely nothing that can be done under these circumstances. He admitted that in theory “if you apply a massive amount of anti-force to a theoretical point which is simultaneously everywhere and nothing, you could possibly reverse this”. However he claimed that “the energies unleashed would utterly destroy not just Ireland but the entire known universe”. Professor Industrygoonstein confirmed that this is partly to do with quarks, but mostly because the space-time-bonus anomaly is id “Systemic Importance” to the Irish economy.

Already many have suggested that since the laws of physics will not allow these bonuses to be prevented, it might be nice if the recipients gave some or all of the money to charity. However a spokesbanker explained the obstacles to this happening in a statement received by The Emergency just minutes ago which read:

“Ha hah!”

New name For Anglo Irish Bank Is Start Of Major Recovery Rebranding

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

Anglo Irish Bank is to be renamed to make things nicer. The new entity will focus solely on recovering loans and will not have a funding arm. “That was always a load of bollox”, confirmed Anglo Chairman, Alan “Smokey” Dukes earlier today.

Mr. Dukes said that the name for the new bank was not yet confirmed but that “Fluffy” and “Pixie Gold Palace” were among the front-runners. Dukes himself will remain in charge but will no longer be known as chairman. Instead the former Fine Gael leader will most likely be known as “Fluffykins” or “Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk”.

Alan Dukes (Lord Twinkletoes)

Alan Dukes, aka Fluffykins, aka Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk

The Emergency has learned that this is just the first in a number of rebranding exercises connnected with the the IMIF/EU bailout. In secret meetings, out of which Joe Higgins was invited to walk but refused, EU Commisioner Olli Rehn is said to have insisted that Ireland’s budget deficit be renamed “The Jennifer”. It is not expected that this will reduce the deficit significantly, but is seen in the context of an EU-wide policy of making stuff sound prettier.

Dáil Éireann will also be rebranded and it is thought that initially it will switch its focus to opening supermarkets, then later focus on appearances at children’s parties before slowly being wound down altogether. It will be replaced by a live feed from Germany and an amusing bawdy bartender.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has denied that any of this is true which has led to widespread confidence that it is all completely true.

Chopra: IMF ArseWidget Will Track Irish Behaviour

Monday, November 29th, 2010

AJ Chopra, high-ranking executive of the multi-trillion dollar philanthropical cabal the IMF, has said that the deal sealed over the weekend between the IMF, the EU, the ECB and a polular Kildare Street Social And Drinking Club, will lock down Irish Victimhood well into the next decade.

The plan, which light-hearted commentators have dubbed a “Rescue Plan”, includes innovative measures such as giving away all Ireland’s savings, burning a sizeable portion of the Pension Reserves and wearing a funny leprechaun costume in public.

AJ Chopra

Chopra: 'Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha'

But this welcome relief comes at a price, as the IMF will be able to monitor the behaviour of all Irish citizens on a daily basis. A small implant, the innovative IMF “ArseWidget” will be inserted into all Irish citizens. The ArseWidget will feed back vital data such as the location, earnings, potato consumption and weight of each individual. If sufficient citizens are deemed to be “not trying hard enough”, the IMF may withold one or many trenches of the promised indebtedness. The data will be analysed by evil officials in white jumpsuits in the IMF HQ hidden within an enormous fake mountain in the South Pacific.

Acting Taoiseach and Chug-master of the Kildare Street Social & Drinking Club, Brian Cowen, has assured Irish citizens that this deal will now give final closure on the crisis and that Ireland will be able to move slowly back to growth. The Victim Consolidation Plan, he claimed, contains a number of measures to stimulate growth, including praying, waiting, hoping and hiding. The Acting Taoiseach pointed out that the IMF ArseWidget was developed in Ireland and will be manufactured in Shannon by a high tech smart economy boffin.

Details Of Negotiations Which Government NOT Holding With IMF Emerge

Thursday, November 18th, 2010

The Irish government has confirmed that the IMF has arrived in Dublin to have a look around.

Government sources have said there is “no bailout negotiation” going on with the IMF and ECB. The Tánaiste Mary Coughlan has denied that the 12.5% corporate tax is among the things being not negotiated. “In the context of the non-negotiation of a deal with the IMF, corporate tax rates are not negotiable” she explained in the Dáil earlier.

Diagram Indicating Destination Of IMF Funds

Diagram Indicating Destination Of IMF Funds NOT Currently Being Negotiated

Meanwhile on RTE News the Minister for Drawing & Running & Kicking A Ball, Mary Hanafin has said the negotiations which are NOT taking place are “Not just about debt”. They are about stabilising the banking system, which is owned by and has nothing to do with the state. The additional 10s of billions of debt involved in the negotiations which are not taking place are a side issue.

Meanwhile journalists contacting The Department of Finance seeking information about the negotiations which are NOT taking place as this piece goes to press, have been advised to “Give the IMF a call”. However the Dept. of Finance has claimed that it provided far more information. “We told the journalists they could phone the IMF it’s true, but we did point out they could also follow the IMF on twitter and/or ‘like’ them on FaceBook”.

The Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen and other government ministers have mentioned that the loan which is NOT being negotiated with the IMF could form a contingency fund only to be used if things get a bit rocky and definitely not until after the IMF have gone home.