Ireland “Ireland” – Noonan

Tuesday, March 13th, 2012

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Minister for Honours Maths Michael Noonan reading the 2008 Leaving Cert Maths (Ordinary) paper set by his predecessor Mr Cromwell

Parents of Junior Certificate geography students today thanked Michael Noonan for clearing up any lingering confusion that Ireland may be the much larger mediterranean country Spain. Mr Noonan’s statement comes hot on the heels of recent assertions made by the Tainiste and Minister for Geography (Common Level) Eamon Gilmore to the effect that Ireland is neither Portugal nor Greece.

Asked why the Minister for Honours Maths was providing study notes for a class other than his own Mister Noonan explained that the Tainiste was on an in service training day along with some other staff members.

There will be no P.E. for the next two weeks as Mister Vaginar the Minister for P.E. and The Bus has a pulled junket which has to be treated in England. A full list of all classes to be affected by the St Patrick’s Day holiday will be sent home in satchels this week.

Franco-German Performance Artist’s Special Delivery

Friday, February 10th, 2012

A leading Franco-German performance artiste has delivered a sculptural representation of Ireland’s financial liabilities for the next year near government buildings in Dublin.

The artist Merkozy, known variously as “l’agresseur peu” and “Die Zukunft Dieb” has spent weeks carefully crafting the piece. Described as “…a physical manifestation of your country’s indebtedness to your bettors [sic?]” the sculpture is called Non Comestibles Bon Bon (The Inedible Sweetie)

A press release from the artist which accompanies the installation states: “Zut! Votre peasantry will never starve eating this delectable granite sweet meat, mais non?” a second entry with hand drawn eagles and lightning strikes suggests “Ya! Let the leftists try to eat it first. Then your elderly and so on in that manner until ENJOYMENT they will learn to take from their struggle nein?”

The sculpture will be guarded by Mr Merkozy’s pet Taoiseach Fido Kenny assisted by Finance Sinister and well known investor Michael Noonan.


Le Non Comestible Bon Bon being delivered earlier today

Kenny And Sarkozy – A Meeting Of Minds

Friday, June 24th, 2011
Ireland is saved!.....for dessert

Ireland is saved!.....for dessert

Lagarde To Noonan “Quelle partie de “tu es ma chienne maintenant” pouvez-vous pas comprendre?”

Monday, June 20th, 2011

Minister for Insolvency Michael Noonan watches as French finance minister Christine Lagarde shows him the actual violin that President Sarkozy plays whenever anyone talks to him about the Irish Government’s attempts to secure a cut in the interest rate on Ireland’s bailout

Hey There Handsome! Ireland Is Open For Business

Tuesday, May 24th, 2011
IRELAND IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS

IRELAND IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS....what that really means

Yanks send your bombers; Brits send your hens. Big corporation? Cruising for a bit of “double Irish”? European? Into treaty-play? We mean no until you make us mean yes. Bankers? Bailouts? We’re in! Fancy a troika? We’ll do everything except Greek…

Kenny Promotes ECB Bailout – Proclaims Fatwa On Morgan Kelly

Sunday, May 8th, 2011

Endama Bin Kenny pictured yesterday issuing threats against Ireland

Leader of the Continuity Coalition Endama Bin Kenny has issued a new video recording from his bunker believed to be either in Pakistan or somewhere in Kildare Street. In the threat the Al Fingaela leader reaffirms his commitment to Europe and proclaims a fatwa against UCD economist and unerringly accurate cassandra Morgan Kelly. This follows the latter’s pro default treatise printed in yesterday’s Daily Gael

“His children, and their children, and even their children after that will pay the ECB, may it be praised, for his insolence” the wild eyed Mayo Mullah declared, continuing; “It is a holy thing we do – even he who merely shoots himself in the foot in the time honoured way of Al Fingaela will be rewarded”.

The Continuity Coalition has pledged to carry on the policies of the previous “government” as proof of their fealty to Brussells and because it is “their turn”.

STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* Ayatollah Yer Fuckinmonee the head of NAMA has this afternoon formally announced moves to take over the Bin Laden compound in Abbotobad “In the national interest”

Quinn Insurance – We Let The Little Things Look After The Big Thing

Thursday, May 5th, 2011

QUINN GAMBLING INSURANCE...now with even MORE benefits for everyone


By everyone, we mean of course US and not YOU. Got it? Good. Now….GET OFF MY LAND PEASANTS!

Meanwhile, All Over Ireland Its ‘Opposite Week’

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011

DATELINE IRELAND…
Once the preserve of small children allowed to dress up as their parents and rename animals and everyday objects, Opposite Day has become (in Ireland at least) an extended festival covering several days. Or months. Or even lifetimes.

NAMA TO SAVE ECONOMY
Thus on Opposite Day, NAMA has pledged to enter the market as a lender. To paraphrase Polonius in Hamlet “Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Be both. Who cares when you’re billions in the hole eh? Wisha throw another couple of thousand kids’ futures on the bonfire Paudeen, Mr Trichet will be after catching his death”

SATIRE IS DEAD
Fianna Fail leader Micheal Martin pledged yesterday to ban corporate donations to political parties. Stop it Micheal! My sides! You’re killing me!

FINE GAEL/LABOUR COALITION IN FLIP FLOP SHOCK
“We have a Five Point Plan” Stop it Enda! Please!
“It’s Labour’s way, or Frankfurt’s way” Oh Jesus Eamon! It hurts! It hurts!
“It was never a Jobs Budget it was always intended to be a Jobs Initiative” Oh lads! You’ve gone and done it now! It’s running down my leg…You’re worse than Micheal…no. Really. You are

WAS IT FOR THIS TONY THE TIGER DIED?

Kellogg’s have announced that they are to replace Coco the Monkey, a hyperactive sugar and chocolate addicted cartoon primate as mascot for their Coco Pops brand. The popular cartoon animal is being given the heave-ho in favour of Jedward, who are between them a hyperactive sugar and chocolate addicted cartoon primate. It is thought to be the first time in history that an animated character has lost out on a gig to a rival with a lower IQ. It is also the first time that Kellogg’s have opted to voluntarily print a photographic warning on a box of their cereal which shows what can happen if you consume it.

Grand Bank Nationalisation (Broadcast on 4fm 04.04.11)

Tuesday, April 5th, 2011

The runners and riders line up for The 2011 Grand Bank Nationalisation, the Peter O’Sullivans are all in position round the course… and they’re off!!! “Over to you, Peter…!”

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Post Stress Test Disorder (Broadcast on 4fm 01.04.11)

Friday, April 1st, 2011

The Taoiseach and the Minister for Finance seek to reassure the Irish people in the wake of the devastating results of the stress tests on the Irish banks.

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