An artist’s impression of the grim fate awaiting Nell at the hands of Mighty Jabba the Health

Lawyers acting for Mighty Jabba the Health have been commanded to “Crush Newstalk into the ground and have Tom Dunne frozen in carbonite” according to sources today. The decree follows an interview given by colourful street character and media whore Nell McCafferty on the Tom Dunne show during which somebody forgot what faders are put on mixing desks for.

It is not yet clear what Mighty Jabba’s plans are for ‘outspoken’ ‘journalist’ and writer on shouty issues Nell McCafferty, although health insiders who spoke off the record to reporters hinted that she may be in for a stint as a dancer in Mighty Jabba’s palace prior to being fed to the sar’laak -
“Or she may be sentenced to being treated at a HSE run centre for excellence – whichever is deemed to be the most painfully fatal” said Dr See Threepio a HSE spokesdroid

In an interview which was prerecorded and subject to a 10 second delay, Professor Brendan Drumm also stated that the Tallaght Hospital X-Ray controversy was nothing to do with the HSE

Professor Brendan Drumm

“Just one more tiny little wafer thin voter’s paypacket…?”

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In these uncertain times, when you can’t be sure of your future, your job, or even a correct diagnosis, isn’t it good to know that some things never change? Little things, like Harney’s Simple Explanation

Professor Brendan D’luckyfuck is pictured leaving the HSE

The familiar of Mighty Jabba the Health and head of the Huge Senseless Executive (HSE), Professor Brendan D’luckyfuck, has announced he will not seek to have his contract renewed when his term comes to an end next year.

Speaking this afternoon, Prof D’luckyfuck said: “When I came into this post I said that I would be here for a five-year period.

“I won’t be seeking a renewal of my contract next year but that doesn’t say that over the next I don’t have a huge mess to consolidate” he told The Emergency

Prof D’luckyfuck said he felt his five-year term in charge showed his “commitment for the country” in changing the system into something even more unwieldly than regional health boards. “I preside over a national health board containing all of the old regional health boards – before the HSE came along, each of these regional boards had to waste money and resources independently of eachother – now all that can be done centrally at the flick of a switch” he said – though he did later phone to say it was really at the flick of several different switches left over from the old wiring plan, “[and] one big new one”

He said there was a challenge to change the system over the period he was in charge and it was important “to keep a focus on changing deadlines or something gets done”.

Prof D’luckyfuck added that he was afraid of staying in the post for too long saying “ten years for me is actually too long for somebody to keep getting away with murder”.

“This is a massive challenge and one we need to see in the context of where we’ve come from. At least the health service is now in the midst of transformation . . . as opposed to before my tenure, when it was constantly…er….changing. We have delivered between five and six hundred million in savings a year over the past couple of years”. Thats the equivalent of a single man on the average national wage not using a five euro note to light the fire this year or last year.

“At least now we have put in place detailed performance measures . . . we now have a fabulous primary-care infrastructure going in across this country,” Prof D’luckyfuck said. “People said it wouldn’t happen, and will still have the opportunity to say this when it is supposed to be in place by the end of 2012.

However, he added: “We are going to have to take out over a couple of years 6,000 jobs or alternatively we’re going to have to reduce what we spend in other areas, including on pay – it’ll be a struggle to keep management and administration staff on otherwise, in the face of the ongoing cost of putting up with these pesky sick people, they’re the real problem.”

Prof D’luckyfuck will sadly be unlikely to benefit from any form of therapy for his chronic delusions, but hey at least he didn’t light the fire with a fiver the last couple of years, eh?

The Minster for Health, Mary Harney, has called for a ban on sunbeds because they are a cause of cancer. This would be the start of a raft of measures, with all causes of cancer eventually being banned including mobile phones, plywood, vasectomy, diet cola, red meat & alcohol, x-ray machines, tobacco, kryptonite and The Cancer Pixies.

Asked if her enthusiasm for the battle against cancer would extend to preventing cervical cancer by providing an inexpensive vaccine for young women in Ireland, the minister began to look teary and a bit cross and everyone quietly left.