Vibrant New FFaces For FFront Bench?

Thursday, January 20th, 2011

Vibrant new faces promoted to the front bench as a temporary measure: “Sherr w’ll shee how they doo arragh” Mr Cowen growled from just under his barstool last night in between songs for the pol corrs

Four Cowen loyalist Cabinet Ministers resigned last night ahead of a reshuffle planned by the acting Taoiseach.

The move is designed to enable Mr Cowen thwart efforts by the country to make his government leave office without everyone in the Fianna Fail parliamentary party “having had a go”.

Health Hutt Mighty Jabba the Health, Minister for Blasphemy and Injustice Ayatollah Ahern, Transport supremo Noel Brokeback Roadway and Minister for Defending the Indefensible Tony Killemlads gave their letters of resignation to the acting Taoiseach late last night.

A ‘Government’ statement said that in accordance with the Constitution the Taoiseach will submit these letters of resignation to the President with a slurred and mildly sullen recommendation that they be accepted. All of the Ministers who resigned have announced that they do not intend to contest the forthcoming election citing reasons such as ill health, spending more time with family, no longer giving a toss and being a sociopath who wants to live well on a fat pension.

With the resignation of Mehole Martin on Tuesday night, Mr Cowen now has five cabinet vacancies to fill but luckily has the widest choice of complete bastards the country has seen since the days of the Black and Tans to choose from. The only real worry would be if he acquiesces to demands that his Finance Minister Brian Óg Lenihan ‘of the emphatic stare‘ be allowed count the number of vacancies – a course of action which could see the number of empty positions jump wildly from five to seventeen million in a matter of minutes.

The appointment of the new Ministers is expected to take place in the next day or two unless Mr Cowen’s temporary appointees work out better than expected.

Wild-Eyed Man Claiming To Be Fine Gael Leader Outlines Plans

Monday, November 8th, 2010

Acting Leader of Fine Gael, Enda Kenny, has stunned Ireland with a radical plan to make cuts in public service waste and inefficiency which would save up to €5,000,000,000. Mr. Kenny outlined his plans in an experimental radio broadcast yesterday. Using word-like sounds and many physical gestures, which caused some confusion among the listening public.

Enda Kenny And the Fine Gael Cat, Cosgrave

Enda Kenny And His Special Adviser, Cosgrave, The Fine Gael Cat

Mr. Kenny claimed that in the context of a 1000-year Finegaelsreich, his government would close up to 145 state bodies, leading to a reduction in public service jobs of 30,000. Amongst over one hundred FG proposals are:

  • The Oireachtas will be abolished and replaced with Varadker-led committee of 20 Business Experts and Think Tanky Dudes
  • The HSE will be abolished and replaced by a taskforce. International experts such as EastEnders’ Dr. Legge will be brought in to advise
  • FAS will be abolished and replaced with step-by-step diagrams for self-training. The authoring of these diagrams will be put out to tender to the private sector with Swedish self-assembly giant IKEA and retired enthusiastic BBC children’s TV science presenter Johnny Ball expected to be foremost among the candidates for the job
  • Public Service salaries to be capped at €200 K. Mr. Kenny claims this woukld greatly motivate pensioners and young unemployed people as it would show the level of pain those at the top are prepared to endure. When questioned about how this would be done in the context of the Croke Park Agreement which has already frozen salaries at current levels, Mr. Kenny pointed out that “The curlew and the plover do not dispute the provenance of the little invertabrates when the holes appear in the mud of the estuary”

Mr. Kenny was pressed on the details of these plans but pointed out that all the measures were part of the 1000-year Finegaelsreich plan and could “no more be ennumerated than the drops of water in the mighty rivers of enterprise set to flow from the radical source in the Blue Shirt Mountains”

Many Fine Gael TDs said they had received hundreds of messages of support from the public after Mr. Kenny’s interview, although they conceded that many of these consisted of well-wishers passing on helpline numbers and long-haul one-way travel bargains which they hooped Kenny and his demented coterie of pretend friends would avail of soon.

Harney To Sue Newstalk

Sunday, March 14th, 2010

Mary "Jabba The Health" Harney, The Minister for Health, with enslaved Nell McCafferty

An artist’s impression of the grim fate awaiting Nell at the hands of Mighty Jabba the Health

Lawyers acting for Mighty Jabba the Health have been commanded to “Crush Newstalk into the ground and have Tom Dunne frozen in carbonite” according to sources today. The decree follows an interview given by colourful street character and media whore Nell McCafferty on the Tom Dunne show during which somebody forgot what faders are put on mixing desks for.

It is not yet clear what Mighty Jabba’s plans are for ‘outspoken’ ‘journalist’ and writer on shouty issues Nell McCafferty, although health insiders who spoke off the record to reporters hinted that she may be in for a stint as a dancer in Mighty Jabba’s palace prior to being fed to the sar’laak
“Or she may be sentenced to being treated at a HSE run centre for excellence – whichever is deemed to be the most painfully fatal” said Dr See Threepio a HSE spokesdroid

In an interview which was prerecorded and subject to a 10 second delay, Professor Brendan Drumm also stated that the Tallaght Hospital X-Ray controversy was nothing to do with the HSE

Professor Brian Drumm, Chairman of the HSE Board

Professor Brendan Drumm

Hush! Somethings Eating

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“Just one more tiny little wafer thin voter’s paypacket…?”

HSE – She Loves To Fly And It Shows

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

Emergency Commercial Feature

New Health Warning

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

In these uncertain times, when you can’t be sure of your future, your job, or even a correct diagnosis, isn’t it good to know that some things never change? Little things, like Harney’s Simple Explanation

Drumm Finally Beaten

Sunday, September 6th, 2009

Professor Brendan D’luckyfuck is pictured leaving the HSE

The familiar of Mighty Jabba the Health and head of the Huge Senseless Executive (HSE), Professor Brendan D’luckyfuck, has announced he will not seek to have his contract renewed when his term comes to an end next year.

Speaking this afternoon, Prof D’luckyfuck said: “When I came into this post I said that I would be here for a five-year period.

“I won’t be seeking a renewal of my contract next year but that doesn’t say that over the next I don’t have a huge mess to consolidate” he told The Emergency

Prof D’luckyfuck said he felt his five-year term in charge showed his “commitment for the country” in changing the system into something even more unwieldly than regional health boards. “I preside over a national health board containing all of the old regional health boards – before the HSE came along, each of these regional boards had to waste money and resources independently of eachother – now all that can be done centrally at the flick of a switch” he said – though he did later phone to say it was really at the flick of several different switches left over from the old wiring plan, “[and] one big new one”

He said there was a challenge to change the system over the period he was in charge and it was important “to keep a focus on changing deadlines or something gets done”.

Prof D’luckyfuck added that he was afraid of staying in the post for too long saying “ten years for me is actually too long for somebody to keep getting away with murder”.

“This is a massive challenge and one we need to see in the context of where we’ve come from. At least the health service is now in the midst of transformation . . . as opposed to before my tenure, when it was constantly…er….changing. We have delivered between five and six hundred million in savings a year over the past couple of years”. Thats the equivalent of a single man on the average national wage not using a five euro note to light the fire this year or last year.

“At least now we have put in place detailed performance measures . . . we now have a fabulous primary-care infrastructure going in across this country,” Prof D’luckyfuck said. “People said it wouldn’t happen, and will still have the opportunity to say this when it is supposed to be in place by the end of 2012.

However, he added: “We are going to have to take out over a couple of years 6,000 jobs or alternatively we’re going to have to reduce what we spend in other areas, including on pay – it’ll be a struggle to keep management and administration staff on otherwise, in the face of the ongoing cost of putting up with these pesky sick people, they’re the real problem.”

Prof D’luckyfuck will sadly be unlikely to benefit from any form of therapy for his chronic delusions, but hey at least he didn’t light the fire with a fiver the last couple of years, eh?

Harney To Ban Sunbeds

Monday, August 24th, 2009

The Minster for Health, Mary Harney, has called for a ban on sunbeds because they are a cause of cancer. This would be the start of a raft of measures, with all causes of cancer eventually being banned including mobile phones, plywood, vasectomy, diet cola, red meat & alcohol, x-ray machines, tobacco, kryptonite and The Cancer Pixies.

Asked if her enthusiasm for the battle against cancer would extend to preventing cervical cancer by providing an inexpensive vaccine for young women in Ireland, the minister began to look teary and a bit cross and everyone quietly left.