An artist’s impression of the grim fate awaiting Nell at the hands of Mighty Jabba the Health

Lawyers acting for Mighty Jabba the Health have been commanded to “Crush Newstalk into the ground and have Tom Dunne frozen in carbonite” according to sources today. The decree follows an interview given by colourful street character and media whore Nell McCafferty on the Tom Dunne show during which somebody forgot what faders are put on mixing desks for.

It is not yet clear what Mighty Jabba’s plans are for ‘outspoken’ ‘journalist’ and writer on shouty issues Nell McCafferty, although health insiders who spoke off the record to reporters hinted that she may be in for a stint as a dancer in Mighty Jabba’s palace prior to being fed to the sar’laak -
“Or she may be sentenced to being treated at a HSE run centre for excellence – whichever is deemed to be the most painfully fatal” said Dr See Threepio a HSE spokesdroid

In an interview which was prerecorded and subject to a 10 second delay, Professor Brendan Drumm also stated that the Tallaght Hospital X-Ray controversy was nothing to do with the HSE

Professor Brendan Drumm

“Just one more tiny little wafer thin voter’s paypacket…?”

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The Minster for Health, Mary Harney, has called for a ban on sunbeds because they are a cause of cancer. This would be the start of a raft of measures, with all causes of cancer eventually being banned including mobile phones, plywood, vasectomy, diet cola, red meat & alcohol, x-ray machines, tobacco, kryptonite and The Cancer Pixies.

Asked if her enthusiasm for the battle against cancer would extend to preventing cervical cancer by providing an inexpensive vaccine for young women in Ireland, the minister began to look teary and a bit cross and everyone quietly left.