End of cosy arrangement on pairing in sight

Tánaiste and Minister for Edukayshun and Sckills Mary Coughlan is reported to be “only fucken spittin so she is” after having to cancel a trip to the USA scheduled for this week following the removal of vote pairing by Fine Gael ahead of the resumption of Dáil business – deputies return to Leinster House this Wednesday as the summer recess ends. At the end of September. Summer. Recess.

Fine Gael has moved to remove pairing arrangements after looking up the Internet and discovering that they are an opposition party.

Ms Coughlan’s ire centres on her having to miss “one of the last of them free Yankee Fás hair dos oul Harney used to get”.

In other news, hope is fading for the Green party which hasn’t been seen for days.

The acting Taoiseach, who pledged last week to review his socializing, pictured with a constituent

“I am not a Taoiseach on probation” acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen forcefully told reporters at Leinster House this evening, insisting that he has the full support of his party.

As Tom Kitt’s sedated body was taken out a side door in a large canvas sack, Mr Cowen looked confident and sober; a mark of his determination to clean up his act, and only do interviews in the late afternoon before Happy Hour in the Dáil Bar.

Joining him at the press conference the Metaphor For The Economy Brian Lenihan said that everyone who questioned government policy was ruining our image abroad, then said that foreigners didn’t care what happened here. Warming to his delusion, Mr Lenihan insisted that black was white for a full eight minutes before growing sleepy and going for a little nap.

Green Party Chairman Dan Boyle, who owns the Twitter, today intimated that the Greens are “Leaning Towards” the policy of a quicker wind down of Anglo Irish “Bank”. Up to now the Greens have pursued a strict policy of “Teetering Towards” the government policy of keeping Anglo going at any cost whatsoever. However over the summer it is known that senior Green Party members openly discussed adopting a policy of either “Wavering” or “Wobbling”.

There are unconfirmed reports that an associate of Mr. Boyle’s was heard at a meeting of wind enthusiasts claiming that in the last analysis the party might even adopt a policy of “Jumping Up And Down Three Times, Yipping Like A Poodle With A Chili Up Its Ass And Falling Accidentally Over The Edge Into The Abyss” unless government policy is amended at the upcoming meeting of the GreeFF cabinet.

In a statement Mr. Boyle said:

“It has always been the policy of the Green Party, and we have a proud and demonstrable record of this in not just one but many areas at …”

At which point the Green Chairman ran out of characters, shrugged, held up a placard reading “#biteme” and wandered off.

Barry Gibb resigning yesterday

The world of falsetto anchored disco was reeling last night following the announcement by Barry Gibb that he is to resign his position as Jive Talker and Disco King immediately.

Stayin Alive?
Mr Gibb’s resignation throws more pressure on the limping crossover disco/folk album by the Bee Gees and folk group The Greens which is being recorded at huge expense. Industry insiders warn that the album will be shit anyway

Dan Boyle – zany

Loveable roly poly ‘Green Party’ funnyman Dan (off the) Boyle has been tipped to headline at next month’s 12th annual Perpetual Bulshitt Comedy Festival in Dublin bringing his zany mix of policy kites and his impression of an opponent to coalition bank schemes.

Other familiar faces on the bill for the long running farce-fest are top clowns Cowen & Lenihan, and the ditzy star of the hit sit-com Oh Tainiste! Swearymary Coughlan. There are animal acts for the younger members of the audience, chiefly the charmingly hapless Green Monkey Troupe and the incredible Limerick caterpillar which has a Willie O’Dea stuck to it’s arse.

Audiences can expect a wide variety of up and coming open mike acts, some of whom like young hopeful Enda Kenny hope to hit the big time soon, but feel hampered by a lack of real stage experience. “The thing is, I don’t really do jokes per se” the red cheeked flaxen haired wannabe told us – “I’m far more observational. Its because…I….get to watch….a lot” he concluded before sobbing gently into a nearby Bruton.

The Perpetual Bulshitt Comedy Festival kicks off on Sept 16th with a special performance of Cirque Nama‘s €90billion presentation of a freeform theatre sports improv entitled Who’s Bank Is Screwing Who Now?. Tickets are mandatory and are priced from €26,000 per man, woman and child.

Enda Kenny – “Us young stand-ups
just aren’t getting the gigs“

Headliner the Limerick caterpillar with a Willie O’Dea stuck to it’s arse pictured taking a break from it’s act – “Jesus lads, ’tis bad enough wearing that gobshite when I’m working is a complete pain in me hoop widout doin it on me day off like”

Here’s the second in this week’s Green Party Mini-Series in the Media Clips Section.

Running for the Green Party for election as an MEP in the Dublin constituency, Deirdre de Burca launched a campaign poster on Monday March 23rd 2009 promising that “Thouands” of tech jobs would be created in the Dublin area.
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Party Political Broadcat On Behalf Of the Green Part [ 2:02 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

This week we present a special series of clips related to The Green Party, starting with John Gormley, leader of the Green party here talking openly, honestly and bravely about the dire consequences for smaller parties when getting into bed with Fianna Fail.

This sketch was first broadcast in Episode 16 of Series 1 on June 17 2009.

Cast: Dermot Carmody, Karen Ardiff, Joe Taylor

Election Dysfunction [ 1:49 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download