The German Greens Celebrate (Broadcast on 4fm 29.03.11)

Tuesday, March 29th, 2011

Following successfully contesting state elections, the German Greens are having a party. All is Teutonic mirth until their Irish colleague, the rather less victorious John Gormley, calls and wrecks their buzz…

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Enda’s Fairy Tale Bouncy Castle (Broadcast on 4fm 02.03.11)

Thursday, March 3rd, 2011

In which the handsome Prince Enda and his Fairy Godmother Noony discuss a bride-to-be upon an enchanted bouncy castle.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 2nd 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

 

 

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IRELAND OFFICIALLY SCREWED – MATTIE McGRATH KING FOR A DAY

Wednesday, January 26th, 2011

King Mattie offers some tips at his court

Ireland is officially through the looking glass as it now appears that former Fianna Fail rebel pain in the arse (now freelance independent rebel pain in the arse) Mattie McGrath may actually do the state some service by bringing down Dail Eireann without the deeply controversial measure of passing the Finance Bill.

Acting in conjunction with his fellow independent deputies Michael Lowry and Jackie Really-Madd, Mr McGrath may just do what countless disaffected voters would prefer Labour to do and bring this dysfunctional government to a close without shackling the State to a Finance Bill which underpins the IMF/ECB ‘bailout’ and makes provision for the cold dead hand of Fianna Fail to keep a grip on economic planning for the country they so completely crippled.

McGrath will doubtless be enjoying his day in the sun. Finally the Tipp TD and greyhound baron has a reason for wearing shades indoors.

Small Woodland Creatures Pull Out Of Burning Forest

Monday, January 24th, 2011

At a press conference held in a smouldering tree stump yesterday The Small Woodland Creatures Party announced that it was pulling out of the blazing forest. The Small Woodland Creature party has been part of the Bonfire Of Doom government since they historically agreed with the Shitting Bear Party to enter into a coalition and to provide kindling and a match to get the fire going following the last general election.

Eamon Weasel and John Pine Marten

Eamon Weasel and Small Woodland Creature Leader John Pine Marten

Small Furry Animal With Responsibility for Glowing Embers, Eamon Weasel, urged other larger animals and birdies to work together to ensure that the undergrowth in the forest was completely incinerated before handing over the forest to somebody who wants to grow things there.

Leader of the Small Woodland Creatures, John Pine Marten said “Our patience has run out and our fur is burny and hurty. Enough is enough, it is time this inferno ends. We want to go to the country immediately. There is no reason for us not to, bus fares are reasonable and you can get great deals in fire-damaged hotels in Connemara”.

Gormley: “We’re Not Sherlock Holmes, We’re Matlock”

Tuesday, January 11th, 2011

The leader of the Green Party has said that the party can find no evidence of wrongdoing in the reports about a golf game between Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen and loveable niblick-wielder Seanie FitzPatrick.

John Matlock and Dan Gormley

Crime-figting nonogenerian John Gormley and radical political activist Dan Matlock

Mr. Gormley said he has asked the Department of Finance whether Fitzpatrick made any representations to it on behalf of Anglo and had been told that he did not. “That’s good enough for me, I can only go on what I’m told,” he explained at a press-speaking-at event earlier today. “I’m not Sherlock Holmes. I don’t smoke a pipe for one thing. Matlock. Yes, that’s it. I’m like a sort of Matlock character. Without the violence. And the uncovering of the truth.”

There Is No March – Cowen

Saturday, November 27th, 2010
Protest

'Reports that any march against the budget is taking place are ludicrous' Acting Taoiseach

The Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen and Brian Lenihan the Minister for Hissing Incorrect Sums of Money Into Microphones have today denied that any public demonstrations against the ‘government’ are taking place.

The two safest pairs of hands in the known world angrily dismissed dissent against the forthcoming budget and four year plan as ludicrous.

Mr Cowen also denied sub zero temperatures were sweeping the Republic; “I’m in my pants here. it’s roastin'” he said, though a spokesmansergh later admitted that the heating was on high enough to make the governor of Bermuda uncomfortable. “We can do nothing about it. it’s linked to top grade civil service grades” the spokesmansergh keened.

From our reporter on the ground Ever E. Fuggenbody

Green Party Cannot Be Destroyed As It Is An Idea, Claim Gormley, Ryan

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

In a shock announcement the leader of the Green Party has backed Eamon Ryan’s assertion that the Green Party can never be destroyed because it is not in fact a party, but rather “an idea”.

The rogue idea has helped clarify the situation in the country in the last day by announcing there will be an election as soon as there is a four year plan for recovery in place, a budget has been passed unopposed and “shit like that”. The Green Idea leader said the election would be in January and further clarified this later by saying that he never said it would be in January, just “sometime soon”.

The Green Idea will be immune to electoral concerns as it is just notional and it expects to play a leading imaginary role in the future hypothetical development of a psychological mind-map of a metaphor for Ireland.

Eamon Ryan And A Special Bike

Green Idea Minister Eamon Ryan Shows Off The Small Glowing Bikes On Which The Greens Will Ride To Otherness Following the General Election

Gormley, Ryan and other prominent Greens will stand for re-election but are expected to transubstantiate on magic bicycles (a vehicle with even lower emissions than a standard push-bike due to minute adjustments to the ephemera and saddle nut) immediately following the results of that election.

Paul Gogarty TD will remain behind on earth holding the baby.

Free Cheese For All – Ain’t Recession Grand?

Friday, November 5th, 2010

The ‘government’ has this morning announced the distribution of free cheese to those hit hardest by the economic downturn.

Intending recipients should form an orderly supplicant line and thank the EU for its largesse in allowing this measure.

Those in receipt of cheese are instructed to eat as much of it as possible or ideally inject it directly into a major artery before clutching their chests and permanently removing themselves from the live register as a patriotic duty to the nurturing state.

A spokesman for the the Department of Agriculture told reporters that it is a parmesan measure to combat hardship.

NEW RELEASE! Starey Brian And The Delusion Factory (PG)

Sunday, October 17th, 2010

Its a story that will beggar the whole family! Coalition Pictures Presents Starey Brian and the Delusion Factory – the heartwarming story of two little boys (innocent Enda Buckenny and wary Eamon Gloop) who gain entry to the mysterious Department of Finance (facts go in – truth never gets out) with special golden tickets issued by Starey Brian, famous worldwide for incredible delusions, and the Greeny Weenies famous for being attached to power at all costs (to the taxpayer)!

Starey Brian and the Greeny Weenies spend all day making up the most unbelievable nonsense and covering it with sugar in an effort to make it palatable – but can their world survive visitors from “outside”?

Featuring the the hit songs The Cowenman Can’t and World Of Pure Imagination, and (I’m In The) Golden Circle your children will literally shovel every cent they will ever earn into this frankly incredible tale. Sure to be a Christmas TV hit…for anyone who hasn’t had to pawn their telly for food in november

Starey Brian and the Delusion Factory at government buildings NOW!

One of the highly sought Golden Tickets allowing the bearer gain access to Starey Brian’s magical Delusion Factory

Acting Taoiseach Pledges 300,000 Empty Glasses Over 5 Years

Tuesday, September 28th, 2010

(is this the pic where he’s pissed? its the one they ran on Leno isn’t it? I can’t tell the difference – ah sure run it anyway)

Acting Taoisozzled Brian Cowen has told Fianna Fail’s press service RTE that he is embarking on a brave plan to create 300,000 empty glasses over the next five years – he will do this round the clock every day excluding the Friday before Easter which is traditionally a ‘dry day’ known in the catholic calendar as ‘Croke Park’.

Opposition spokesmen took time off squabbling with eachother to point out that the Acting Taoiseach’s plans are flawed. They say that even if he does manage to down 164 pints a day he hasn’t allowed for recovery time and scheduled media appearances – factoring this in it will take him at least six and a half years to reach his proposed goal.