In a shock slip of the tongue, uncharacteristic of the normally phlegmatic Fianna Fail eminence grise, Martin Mansergh last night reveled that the Green Party are not a normal human party. They are in fact seemingly the result of an accident involving an interstellar spore-transporter.

Martin Mansergh

The astounding truth emerged on TV3′s prototype television programme “Tonight With Vincent Browne” when the show’s eponymous host questioned Mr. Masergh about his feelings on the Green Party leader John Gormley’s teary revelations of sleeplessness and Victorian insanity in a recent Dail speech.

Mansergh criticised those who beat up on the junior coalition party, at first branding this as “racist” bullying. However it has emerged that other p[anellists and technicians in the makeshift studio-style container from which the programme is broadcast clearly heard Mansergh amend this under his breath, saying "actually that's unfair, it's more speciesist, what with the Green Party being the result of an accident involving an interstellar spore transporter".

Sources close to a still-smoking impact crater at a mystery location in South County Dublin, reachable only by bike or on the 46a bus, have confirmed that what is now known as the Green Party fell to Earth shortly before the last General Election.

"You could describe the thing that fell from the sky as a podule, I suppose," said the source who cannot be named in order to protect the unverifiability of this report, "although in all honesty it looked more like the wicker basket off the front of a pushbike than anything else".

Eyewitnesses saw "several small evil looking squishy things" crawl out of the impact crater. Parasitical in nature, they quickly sought human hosts and happened upon a Green Party outing which was in the area at the time and which included all members of the current Green Party parliamentary party.

The group had been playing a normal game of "grass and moth varieties" when they were set upon by the alien entities. It is understood that the Green merrymakers had dropped their guard as the aliens resembled a seaweed gel and quinoa porridge often left around the office by Deirdre de Burca at the time. The entities crawled into their brains and left them unharmed except for a chemical which in the alien beings acts a mild narcotic, but which in the human system gives rise to a vast surge in self-righteous arrogance.

The aliens feed on power and like a laugh, a deadly combination which led to the host eejits gaining and then fecking about with political power in the subsequent election and resulting coalition government.

A Squishy Alien Parasite Hosted By Eamon Ryan

When questioned about the revelation, Green Party TD and Minister For Energy, Eamon Ryan ridiculed the allegations and wrote a full denial of the whole matter on a stone wall with a strange hot beam emanating from his eerily glowing eyes. He then expanded to ten times his normal size and ate the journalist from The Emergency Breaking News through an aperture in his knee.

In a shock announcement the leader of the Green Party has backed Eamon Ryan’s assertion that the Green Party can never be destroyed because it is not in fact a party, but rather “an idea”.

The rogue idea has helped clarify the situation in the country in the last day by announcing there will be an election as soon as there is a four year plan for recovery in place, a budget has been passed unopposed and “shit like that”. The Green Idea leader said the election would be in January and further clarified this later by saying that he never said it would be in January, just “sometime soon”.

The Green Idea will be immune to electoral concerns as it is just notional and it expects to play a leading imaginary role in the future hypothetical development of a psychological mind-map of a metaphor for Ireland.

Green Idea Minister Eamon Ryan Shows Off The Small Glowing Bikes On Which The Greens Will Ride To Otherness Following the General Election

Gormley, Ryan and other prominent Greens will stand for re-election but are expected to transubstantiate on magic bicycles (a vehicle with even lower emissions than a standard push-bike due to minute adjustments to the ephemera and saddle nut) immediately following the results of that election.

Paul Gogarty TD will remain behind on earth holding the baby.

The Emergency Breaking News has seen the email proposing a three stage approach to reaching concensus on the details of the evisceration of the nation as requested by the EU. The email was sent from the Ministers Gmail account at around 7pm yesterday and reads as follows:

From: waycooljohnnyg999@gmail.com
To: Undisclosed Party Leader Dudes
Subject: National Governmentz FTW!!!!!!!

‘Sup?

Soz 4 de delayz gettin dis shit together!! My Internetz woz b0rked and I did not haz emailz!!!!!?! St00pid Ryaner LOLZ!!!

Anyhoo, jus wanna run dis concensus shit past yiz..

Da story:

1) We all know we can’t haz cheezburger & we all know we can’t haz den for 4 yeerz!!! WTF?!?!???? LMFAO!!!!!!!!! We need 2 cut da deficitz by 3 or some number shit by 2014 or some year. Allamsayin.

2) Dudes @ Finance gonn get fiscally revelatory in yo ass ASAP. Not sayin it’s bad but bring yo *BIG* shovel homeboyz [and grrllz, JB LOLZ \0/ xxx]

3) Total. All. Party. Flashmob. OMFG there’s no preconditions!!!!! Chillax and smell the frickin #tweetup!!!!???!?!? ROTFLMFAO

Badda and Bing. Dats it. Sign where it sez ‘U can’t haz cheezbrgrz cos of me too and it’s not #justthefuckinggreensfault

‘Sall

Laterz,
waycooljohnnyg999
XoX

The Minister for Obfuscation, Lethargy & Unnatural Reflexes Eamon Ryan has rejected claims that a 5% rise in electricity prices will result in prices for electricity which are 5% higher.

Small business representatives have claimed that the price rise will result in higher prices which will adversely affect the amount of money they have to pay for electricity.

Eamon Ryan Demonstrates A Revolutionary New Glowing Bike At A Condescension Breakfast This Morning

However Minister Ryan pointed out that prices for electricity have fallen 30% recently leading to greater competitiveness of Irish firms. “Obviously that has to be nipped in the bud,” he explained at an early morning Condescension Breakfast attended by jaded press goons and bicycling fans. “The more competitive Irish businesses become, the more people they employ and the greater the strain on our limited resources. The extra job fallout from the extra competitiveness will result in higher carbon emissions and the inevitable extinction of most primates”.

Demonstrating a revolutionary new bike: “The Small Glowing Bicycle”, which is small but glows, the minister delighted and amused the younger members of his audience, whilst at the same time explaining that he had now denied the correlation between price rises and higher prices and that was that.

Green Party Chairman Dan Boyle, who owns the Twitter, today intimated that the Greens are “Leaning Towards” the policy of a quicker wind down of Anglo Irish “Bank”. Up to now the Greens have pursued a strict policy of “Teetering Towards” the government policy of keeping Anglo going at any cost whatsoever. However over the summer it is known that senior Green Party members openly discussed adopting a policy of either “Wavering” or “Wobbling”.

There are unconfirmed reports that an associate of Mr. Boyle’s was heard at a meeting of wind enthusiasts claiming that in the last analysis the party might even adopt a policy of “Jumping Up And Down Three Times, Yipping Like A Poodle With A Chili Up Its Ass And Falling Accidentally Over The Edge Into The Abyss” unless government policy is amended at the upcoming meeting of the GreeFF cabinet.

In a statement Mr. Boyle said:

“It has always been the policy of the Green Party, and we have a proud and demonstrable record of this in not just one but many areas at …”

At which point the Green Chairman ran out of characters, shrugged, held up a placard reading “#biteme” and wandered off.

Senator Mary O’Rourke pictured this morning just before Dr Phil came on

SENATOR IVOR Callely has brought “shame and dithgrathe” on Fianna Fáil and should be expelled from the party, according to long-serving TD and former minister Mary O’Rourke who went on to denounce scorpions for being “poithonouth” and Dublin’s beloved Spire for being “pointy”.

Mr Callely claimed almost €3,000 from the Oireachtas for the purchase of mobile phones and related services from Alexander Graham Bell a person whom the Companies Registration Office records show had ceased existing.
Read more »

Barry Gibb resigning yesterday

The world of falsetto anchored disco was reeling last night following the announcement by Barry Gibb that he is to resign his position as Jive Talker and Disco King immediately.

Stayin Alive?
Mr Gibb’s resignation throws more pressure on the limping crossover disco/folk album by the Bee Gees and folk group The Greens which is being recorded at huge expense. Industry insiders warn that the album will be shit anyway

Social networking phenomenon Twitter said last night it has ‘no confidence’ in Green Party chairman Dan Boyle, despite the motion of confidence in the Minister for Defense passed by the Dail yesterday evening with the support of Green Party TDs.

The social networking site used itself to convey the view and said the Cork Senator’s position “is compromised”.

Twitter said:

“As regards to Senator Boyle I don’t have confidence in him. His situation is compromised. Probably be a few chapters in this story yet LOL ROFLMAO FTW?!!.”

Twitter said it was unhappy at what transpired yesterday in the Dáil. “Not happy with what happened today. Believe Greens (sic) are arseholes. Pls RT.”

The decision to hold the motion in the Dáil yesterday afternoon came after the Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny screamed out his intention earlier this week to table a motion of no confidence in the Minister, to be taken in Opposition time next week.

Willie O’Dea explaining his honest mistake to the Dail yesterday

Opening the motion yesterday afternoon, acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen defended Mr O’Dea, saying that he “had made a genuine mistake”. The Taoiseach was critical of the Opposition’s intention to table a motion of no confidence in the Minister for Defence, who Mr Cowen descrtibed as the “…best Minister for Defence in recent times. Describing him as “the best Minister for Defence in recent times” suggests that there is no criteria other than whether or not a defense minister can be judged solely on the basis of having actively prevented any invasions lately. It also makes one wonder who was the worst Minister for Defence given our uninvaded status since 1922.

“I’ve heard people on the Opposition benches trying to propagate the myth that the Minister is in breach of the Cabinet code of conduct,” Mr Cowen blustered petulantly, “ but this is once again a case of political discourse from the Opposition benches generating more heat than light. In any case, we have no code, no honour, nada, zip, fuck all”

The Government won the motion of confidence in Minister for Defence Willie O’Dea yesterday evening by 80 votes in favour and 69 against. That’s 80 people. Surely there must be at least 800 people out there willing to attempt a citizen’s arrest on the charge of aiding and abetting a criminal after the fact?

Dan Boyle – zany

Loveable roly poly ‘Green Party’ funnyman Dan (off the) Boyle has been tipped to headline at next month’s 12th annual Perpetual Bulshitt Comedy Festival in Dublin bringing his zany mix of policy kites and his impression of an opponent to coalition bank schemes.

Other familiar faces on the bill for the long running farce-fest are top clowns Cowen & Lenihan, and the ditzy star of the hit sit-com Oh Tainiste! Swearymary Coughlan. There are animal acts for the younger members of the audience, chiefly the charmingly hapless Green Monkey Troupe and the incredible Limerick caterpillar which has a Willie O’Dea stuck to it’s arse.

Audiences can expect a wide variety of up and coming open mike acts, some of whom like young hopeful Enda Kenny hope to hit the big time soon, but feel hampered by a lack of real stage experience. “The thing is, I don’t really do jokes per se” the red cheeked flaxen haired wannabe told us – “I’m far more observational. Its because…I….get to watch….a lot” he concluded before sobbing gently into a nearby Bruton.

The Perpetual Bulshitt Comedy Festival kicks off on Sept 16th with a special performance of Cirque Nama‘s €90billion presentation of a freeform theatre sports improv entitled Who’s Bank Is Screwing Who Now?. Tickets are mandatory and are priced from €26,000 per man, woman and child.

Enda Kenny – “Us young stand-ups
just aren’t getting the gigs“

Headliner the Limerick caterpillar with a Willie O’Dea stuck to it’s arse pictured taking a break from it’s act – “Jesus lads, ’tis bad enough wearing that gobshite when I’m working is a complete pain in me hoop widout doin it on me day off like”

In a late breaking shock development on reports in yesterday’s Irish Sunday Ihateforiegners concerning misuse of a state car and driver by the Attorney General’s dog, scientists at University College Oughterard have this morning revealed that a parasitic fungus has for several years been driven around at tax payers’ expense in official vehicles and even on the government jets.

The fungus, which is scum like in appearance and consistency, has been identified and classified as F1-ANA-FA11, a most dangerous and persistent parasite according to Dr Pearse Lobe of the TCD Dept of Political Science at UCO: “This thing is tenacious, motivated and worst of all cornered – and it knows only one thing, namely how to survive…on about €4K a day in some extreme cases we’ve seen in the lab”

It seems that there is little hope of respite from the ongoing drain on public resourses. F1-ANA-FA11 and it’s associated symbiotes 1-XPD and TWATS seem set to ravage the country for some forseeable time; but is there any hope? Dr Pearse Lobe thinks that there may be.

“Some of us are pinning our hopes on H1-N1 wiping them all out” he told reporters

Minister for Defence Willie O’Dea pictured earlier last week relaxing in Limerick