Acting Taoiseach Relaxes Ahead Of Heave Meeting

Monday, January 17th, 2011

No hard feelings – the acting Taoiseach and Michael Martin relax with a few swings on the golf course ahead of tomorrow morning’s Fianna Fail parliamentary party meeting in which Mr Cowen faces a confidence motion tabled by himself

Schrödinger’s Taoiseach Brian Cowen Determined To Remain In Box With Unstable Isotope

Sunday, January 16th, 2011

Schrödinger’s Taoiseach Brian Cowen

Schrödinger’s Taoiseach Brian Cowen said this evening he intended to stay in the box which allows him to occupy a quantum physical state where he is both leader of Fianna Fail and not leader of Fianna Fail – this despite internal party disquiet over his personal popularity with the electorate, the party’s standing in the polls and the dangerous proximity of a decaying isotope linking a trigger mechanism and a small flask of hydrocyanic acid.

Mr Cowen insisted this evening it was in the best interests of the country and the party for him to remain in the box.

He said his Fianna Fáil parliamentary party would hold a secret ballot on Tuesday on a motion of whether or not to violently shake the box causing the flask of hydrocyanic acid to shatter regardless of the rate of subatomic decay on the trigger mechanism.

After two days of consultation with colleagues, Mr Cowen said he had come to the conclusion that stepping down would lead to confusion and loss of authority, chiefly his.

“As Schrödinger’s Taoiseach my total focus must remain with discharging my duties to the people,” he told a press briefing in Dublin this evening from inside his box.

In an effort to clear up confusion as to whether or not he is a humble, gracious, realistic man of integtrity as has been stated ad nauseum by pundits on the nation’s airwaves of late Mr Cowen clearly stated “I made no indication of resigning at any time as leader of the party,”

The Schrödinger’s Taoiseach accepted there was “an issue” over leadership but said that question should be resolved quickly if only people would stop focussing on pesky facts

Under normal Fianna Fáil party rules, a leader would only face a vote on the leadership if caught on YouTube in the bridal suite of the Four Seasons buried up to the pubic bone in a feral she-goat.

He said he wanted to dispense with procedures and put forward the motion himself for a vote when TDs and Senators at Tuesday’s parliamentary party meeting.

Concerns over the Schrödinger’s Taoiseach’s leadership came to a head in the last week after he was publicly grilled in the Dáil on Wednesday by Sinn Fein’s Kweeeeeveeeen O’Kwaaaaaylaaaawn on his contacts with former Anglo Irish Bank boss Sean FitzPatrick.

Under pressure, he revealed the names of two other business chiefs who joined him and Mr FitzPatrick for a post-golf match dinner in Druid’s Glen, Co Wicklow – Gary McGann, chief executive of Smurfit Kappa, who was a director of Anglo at the time, and Alan Gray, an economist appointed to the Central Bank board by Schrödinger’s Taoiseach .

But tonight he rejected that his Anglo contacts were at issue. “The issue here is not about that at all,” he said “..somewhere out there in the highlands of Punanastan, Lehmann Brothers are holed up laughing at us. Laughing”.

“All members of the parliamentary party acknowledge my good faith in relation to all of these issues. My standing in the party is not under question in any way.” Which is why we have been treated to a week of watching Fianna Fail play a very public game of ‘Pass-The-Poison-Chalice’.

One Minister of State, Seán Haughey, who spoke to Mr Cowen on Thursday, said the Taoiseach was not plotting to remain in office.

“I found him in a very philosophical humour, very genuinely open to discussion and debate,” he said. “He had got someone to deck out his box with some leftover fairy lights from christmas and he had laid on biscuits and a basket of free money for visiting TDs and Senators”

“I didn’t get the impression of a man who was sitting there in a box plotting to remain in power and not in power simultaneously.” Mr Haughey also said he told Mr Cowen he was not communicating with the electorate but that this may have been due to the muffling effect of two layers of heavy duty cardboard.

The minister said he got the impression Mr Cowen wanted to do what was best for the country and party. Unfortunately it seems that every time he goes into the room with the bottle of brandy and revolver he invariably drains the brandy and loses the revolver.

“If he thought it was in the interests of the party, I think he would consider stepping down,” he told RTÉ Radio today. Best interests of the party. The country can go and hang its bollix on the Five Lamps evidently.

Cowen Heave Survival Inspires Movie

Thursday, January 13th, 2011

Veteran ‘zombie flick’ supremo Cesar Romero is in talks with the Fianna Fanglo party to film the definitive story of acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s political survival.

“Your last leader, whatsisname…the one who lives in a press…he was called ‘The Teflon Taoiseach’. His story I am not interested in” Mr Romero said, continuing “but this man, this Cowen – ‘The Suppurating Zombie Taoiseach’ he is perfect for me. I must bring his story to the silver screen”.

The movie is due for release in March. No July. No September. No, after a feasibility study. No after christmas. No in a year and a half……

Newsflash: Boost For Golf Courses As Cowen Tells Fianna Fail TDs He Will Meet With Them Individually

Thursday, January 13th, 2011

Sources have indicated that Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen is not resigning but instead will meet with each Fianna Fail TD individually to decide what is best for the party. The meetings will take place at a number of golf courses around the country and nothing of any importance will be discussed at them. As well as Cowan and each TD it is thought that the Governor of The Bank Of Ireland and Roy Keane will make up foursomes. In each case they will be joined by a garda driver for dinner afterwards. the Fianna Fail press office is believed to ba about to issue a number of post-dated denials that the meetings have taken place.

A Load Of Balls

A Load Of Balls

Emerging Photo Of Druid’s Glen Cowen Golf Party Suggests More Present Than So Far Admitted

Thursday, January 13th, 2011
Brian Cowen, The Board of Anglo, The Beatles and other notable Irish business golfers pictured at the 19th hole

Brian Cowen, The Board of Anglo, The Beatles and other notable Irish business golfers pictured at the 19th hole

Cowen’s Garda Driver “Heard Nothing”

Thursday, January 13th, 2011

It has emerged this morning that a heave against acting Don of of the MaFFiana Fail crime family may be underway – this follows yesterday’s revelations in the Dáil that Mr Cowenleone dined in July 2008 in the company of two directors and one ex director of toxic bank Anglo and a government appointee to the Central Bank.

Also at the dinner in Druids Glen was Mr Cowenleone’s Garda driver, who you could expect to be of some use as a source of detailed information regarding the conversation at the dinner table on that fateful night.

Sadly this has proven to not be the case. The driver in question has stated that he did indeed join the company but after patting down the others for his boss the last thing that he understood was when Fintan Drury recommended the pasta vongole.

“After that” the Garda driver said “Mr Cowenleone told me that him and Seanie and the others was going to talk Italian to eachother and did I mind? Jaysus no chief says I and I ate me spag bol when it arrived and they all just jabbered away”.

When asked if he remembered anything specific or unusual from the night in question he furrowed his brow in deep concentration for almost three minutes before he answered “Yes. That spag bol tasted very fishy and was too feckin’ crunchy for my liking”.

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Wednesday, January 12th, 2011

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…and we’ll deny that we ever had this conversation

STOP PRESS! Acting Taoiseach Denies Earlier Denial

Wednesday, January 12th, 2011

Answering questions from Sinn Fein’s Keeeeveeen Oh Kwaaaaylawn as to who else was at the dinner table in Druids Glen on the evening of his fateful three ball, Brian Cowen has denied any knowledge of “Your ‘Earth game’ of golf”.

He also denied requiring food, but did say that he was a contestant on Come Dine With Me that week and said “It could have been that. Who can tell? You? Can you? I can’t going forward. Refute refute refutey fute fute. Now shag off, I’m off to get royally congested”

Acting Taoiseach Denies Leader’s Questions Took Place

Wednesday, January 12th, 2011

The acting Taoiseach holding his breath “…until everyone leaves me alone”

The acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen today faced blistering cross examination during leaders’ questions in the Dáil over his contacts with disgraced banker Sean FitzPatrick

Speaking on the plinth afterwards Mr Coweringunderlies denied that any questioning of any nature took place. “I simply spent a number of hours in Leinster House in the company of others going forward. At no point in time were any questions asked of me, nor were any explanations offered. I refute you. I never asked to be born. I refute you all.”

Making sure to look indignant and wounded, Mr Cantbetruthful denied any impropriety on the part of Fianna Fail, insisting that the organisation is a society of friends with it's roots in charitable work, waste disposal and the importation of olive oil.

Pressed by reporters Mr Cowpig said that he was going to “…hold my breath until yiz all fuck off”.

Gormley: “We’re Not Sherlock Holmes, We’re Matlock”

Tuesday, January 11th, 2011

The leader of the Green Party has said that the party can find no evidence of wrongdoing in the reports about a golf game between Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen and loveable niblick-wielder Seanie FitzPatrick.

John Matlock and Dan Gormley

Crime-figting nonogenerian John Gormley and radical political activist Dan Matlock

Mr. Gormley said he has asked the Department of Finance whether Fitzpatrick made any representations to it on behalf of Anglo and had been told that he did not. “That’s good enough for me, I can only go on what I’m told,” he explained at a press-speaking-at event earlier today. “I’m not Sherlock Holmes. I don’t smoke a pipe for one thing. Matlock. Yes, that’s it. I’m like a sort of Matlock character. Without the violence. And the uncovering of the truth.”