Noonan hails Irish citizens as “Heroes”

Friday, December 13th, 2013
"The Irish people are the real heroes and heroines of the bailout" - Reichschancellor Noonan

“The Irish people are the real heroes and heroines of the bailout” – Reichschancellor Noonan

The Reichschancellor for Finance Michael Noonan has hailed the Irish people as the real heroes of the bailout. Mr Noonan made his comments as he marked the official end of the bailout which will continue to blight the Irish people for decades. Luckily now that they are officially heroes they will spend the time paying for the now non-existent bailout in their top secret hero caves and fortresses heated by their x-ray vision.

Mr Noonan, a qualified secondary school teacher from Limerick today said that the Irish people are the ‘real heroes and heroines’ of the bailout exit as they had borne the brunt of the programme, which he said had seen the government take 270 different actions across the board, but not one action against any boardroom.

School Newsletter.

Tuesday, November 19th, 2013

St Garret's Newsletter #1

MEANWHILE…in a more fitting Universe

Thursday, November 7th, 2013

Meanwhile....in a more fitting Universe

Fine Gael Welcomes Back Councillor After “Misunderstanding”

Wednesday, November 6th, 2013

Kildare County Councillor Darren Scully has been admitted back into Fine Gael 20 months after his expulsion for refusing to represent the interests of African members of his community.

Councillor Scully

Councillor Scully

“It was all a big misunderstanding”, explained Scully at a Masai Crafts Fair in Kildare this morning. “I have had a long conversation with Enda Kenny and we are both satisfied that we do not represent the interests of most people in the community, so there’s no need to be getting all het up about it”.

MORE CAREFUL ABOUT SHITE NOW

During the period of his exclusion from Fine Gael, Cllr. Scully is said to have met with several representatives of the African community and, having studied their cultural perspective and his own career prospects in tandem, now concedes that he cannot “get away” with his original “shite”.

“Make no mistake”, he vowed, “I will be sanitising my shite henceforth”.

Kenny: Patients Must Learn To Be Sick Within Budget

Wednesday, November 6th, 2013

Acting Taoiseach and de facto leader of Fine Gael and “Ireland”, Enda Kenny, has strongly defended health cuts in the recent budget.

SICK SHOULDERS

“Now is a time for all of us, sick and well, to put our shoulders to the wheel, unless affected by a shoulder-related ailment, in which case an elbow or arse would be acceptable. I can never remember which of those is which,” the Acting Taoiseach admitted at a press breakfast of larks’ tongues and Reddy Brek earlier today.

Enda Kenny Backing James Reilly

Enda Kenny Backing James Reilly

LOVEABLE

Fine Gael and its loveable coalition fall-guy, Labour, are soon to unveil a Universal Health Insurance scheme which would see up to 100% of
their friends and family securely located between “grand” and “mighty” on the new HSE “How’re Ye Doin’?” scale of wellfullness.

The Fianna Fail leader, Micheal Martin, who is uniquely qualified to heckle as he is himself a former Health Supremo, had accused the government of failing to place patients at the centre of its health policies. But Mr. Kenny strongly rebutted this claim in an impassioned speech read adroitley from notes on the inside of his underpants.

TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR ILLNESS

“This is the most patient-centred health policy ever,” he explained to bemused onlookers. “In fact all power, by which I mean responsibility , will henceforth rest with the patient, who will simply have to tailor their affliction to the needs of my government. For too long we have spoon-fed the ill with medication and care, when all they really need is to take ownership of their illness and, following consultation with the relevant stakeholders, get well, or get lost”.

DIE

The Taoiseach explained that the government has no intention of cutting services, merely of cutting the cost of those services by not having them. In that case the onus would again fall onto the patient to spread out their illness over a 25 year period, or, where appropriate, die.

Hospital chiefs have universally declared it will be impossible to run their hospitals with the cuts being made. However, Mr. Kenny explained that this problem could be circumvented simply by hospital chiefs saying something different.

KEANE

Roy Keane is on standby.

Ireland’s King Kenny The Turd Found Buried Under Frankfurt Carpark

Monday, February 4th, 2013
King Kenny The Turd Of Hibernia

King Kenny The Turd Of Hibernia

Tests on the mangled remains of what was once a man have proven “beyond reasonable doubt” that they are those of the much-maligned Irish king. The remains were unearthed during the excavation of a new bottomless pit to house the taxes of Irish citizens behind the bins in the car park of the European Central Bank.

FORELOCK

The body is in exactly the place where King Kenny’s heart was last reported as beating. There is a wound to the skull consistent with what might be expected from frequent accidental contact with German tarmac due to excessively enthusiastic bowing and scraping. A forelock believed to belong to the remains was found some distance off, having been tugged clean off in what would appear to be a type of ancient Germano-Celtic “negotiation process”.

SPINE BOFFINS

There is some controversy over the discovery that the skeleton in question has an unusually curved spine. Scientists claim this adds to the evidence that it is indeed King Kenny of Ireland, as eyewitness reports from the time suggest him to have been capable of inhuman contortion in an attempt to bridge the gap between his stated intent and his demonstrable subservience. However, other boffins insist that there is little or no evidence to suggest that King Kenny had any backbone whatsoever.

Scandal As Socialist DNA Uncovered In Labour TDs

Sunday, February 3rd, 2013
Austerity hot Tub

Burton (Left) Pictured With Underclass Maintenance Advisers During Press Conference In Government Austerity Hot Tub

Minister For Maintaining The Levels of Damage To The Underclass Joan Burton has angrily denied reports that minute traces of Socialist DNA were identified in routine testing of swabs taken from the seats of Labour front bench TDs.

SPARKLING

Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Labour TDs were contaminated by Socialist DNA mixed up in a consignment of sparkling wine to Labour Head Office from Poland.

SMOKED

“Obviously it is a serious matter if TDs labelled “Labour” are found to include Socialist ideals,” Ms. Burton conceded at a hastily arranged conference in a government Austerity Hot-Tub this morning. “The people of Ireland have a right to expect the politics they consume to be as devoid of principle and ideals as possible. The reputation of the Irish Politics Processing industry for producing reliably homogenous and malleable TDs is at stake. Pass the smoked salmon, Alex”, she insisted furiously.

ATE

In a separate development over at Labour’s coalition partners’ HQ, Health Minister James Reilly has denied co-ownership of a company which has been accused of attempting to set up a care facility for the elderly in a hollowed-out horse in Swords. Further results from tests being carried out by a horse co-owned by Dr. James Reilly are expected soon after the minister accidentally ate the initial test results at a breakfast meeting.

Kenny Receives Honour

Thursday, October 25th, 2012

20121025-023752.jpg

Grown men and Pat Kenny wept openly yesterday as Taoiseach Edna Kenny (Mrs) was awarded an Iron Cross by VDZ, a German media group.

The award comes with an extra meaty pouch of Pedigree Chum and a special tickle under the chin.

Mrs Kenny can now look forward to a particularly easy run in to the Children’s Rights To Pay Someone Else’s Debts Referrendum and the forthcoming strap on budget.

Ireland “Ireland” – Noonan

Tuesday, March 13th, 2012

20120313-181023.jpg
Minister for Honours Maths Michael Noonan reading the 2008 Leaving Cert Maths (Ordinary) paper set by his predecessor Mr Cromwell

Parents of Junior Certificate geography students today thanked Michael Noonan for clearing up any lingering confusion that Ireland may be the much larger mediterranean country Spain. Mr Noonan’s statement comes hot on the heels of recent assertions made by the Tainiste and Minister for Geography (Common Level) Eamon Gilmore to the effect that Ireland is neither Portugal nor Greece.

Asked why the Minister for Honours Maths was providing study notes for a class other than his own Mister Noonan explained that the Tainiste was on an in service training day along with some other staff members.

There will be no P.E. for the next two weeks as Mister Vaginar the Minister for P.E. and The Bus has a pulled junket which has to be treated in England. A full list of all classes to be affected by the St Patrick’s Day holiday will be sent home in satchels this week.

Bruton Signs Sherlock’s SOPA Into Law

Wednesday, February 29th, 2012

Miniature for Jobs, Enterprise and Innovation Richard ****** has signed the controversial SOPA instrument pushed by Sean ******* into law.

The instrument ****** **** and *********. It will ****** *** ******* ********, but also *****.

Several *********** were told ****** ****** to be ******. Despite much protest by ********, anyone who voiced their objections to their **’* have effectively been told to fuck right off.