So slithery, Micheal Martin is jealous.

The Minister for Transport, Leo Varadkar has hinted that rather than the Luas DXD Link or Metro North projects, a third transport initiative “Leorail” may get the nod in Spetember.

The proposed Leorail line would run from everywhere to the newly designated Varadkarville Development Region in Dublin South. It would be the first ever supersonic monorail outside Dinsneyland and the first in the world to harness the power of the Fine Gael minister’s ego.

All Aboard The LeoRail To Varadkerville: Choo!! Choo!!

Scientists working in the Varadkar Institute Of Stuff recently identified highly charged particles of pure ego, which are released when Leo Varadkar and an opportunity to say something collide at speeds close to that of light. Experiments took place in an underground Varadkon Collider, deep beneath the surface of Tallaght (soon to be re-named Varadkarville West).

The monorail will cost more than Metro North and Luas DXD combined, but Mr. Varadkar has hinted that it could potentially generate up to 4 billion cubic kilometres of precious gaseous hubris for the region. The trains will be unmanned and driven purely by untrammelled ambition or an iPhone app, depending on the results of tests currently being carried out by boffins on specially adapted Hornby set. Journey time to Varadkarville from anywhere in the country will be an average of instantaneous.

Eamon al-Zawahri, new Al Qaeda Leader
Veteran militant Eamon al-Zawahri has taken command of al Qaeda after the killing of Osama bin Laden. He is the first Irishman to head up the organisation.

His whereabouts are unknown, although he has long been thought to be either hiding in his toolshed on his small holding in Laois; or along the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan. The United States is offering a $25 million reward for any information leading to his capture or conviction.

An emotional Edna Kenny today took a break from watching his Riverdance The Special Edition DVD to appeal to al Zawahri to hand himself in for the reward. “It would be a very positive contribution to the economy” he said

It has emerged that the promised reform of the Oireachtas and applying of the highest standards to public life is well under way with less than 500 family members having been appointed to jobs by Fine Gael TDs and Junior Minister.

Some Tds, such as Fine Gael Junior Minister Ciaran Cannon, have appointed a few family members to their team, but Fine Gael maintains this is only because you can’t get the help.

Team Cannon (L-R): Ciaran Cannon (TD), Fergal Cannon (Legal Advisor), Mary 'The Tache' Cannon (Doorperson), Freddy 'Four Eyes Cannon (The Stash), Trixie (Driver), Marty 'Mephistopheles' Cannon (Schemes)

Labour TDs have also shown remarkable restraint with Arthur Spring (nephew of former Labour Dick Spring, son of former Labour TD Dan Spring) having appointed his brother as his parliamentary assistant. This was despite Labour Leader Eamon Gilmore insisting that TDs at least disguise anyone who looks like them with “some sort of a hat or wig”.

Arthur Spring has defended his appointment of his brother saying he is the best man for the job. I interviewed nineteen Springs in the Spring area, and graham is the best Spring for the job. He won the job amidst fierce competition form the Springs. If I could hire him a million times I would. He’s just the best Spring available to do stuff”.

Fine Gael President Cox (he hopes) in The Right Wing

In a shock move today Fine Gael is now even more full of archly egregious right wing showoffs – Former EU Commission President and RTE current affairs presenter Pat Cox has announced that he will be joining Fine Gael in order to seek that party’s nomination to run for the Presidency of Ireland. His only opposition within the party for the Aras is Fine Gael MEP and former RTE current affairs presenter Mairead McGuinness.

“The right wing is getting right wing-ier” as loveable Drumcondra crim Bertie Ahern might say

IRELAND IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS....what that really means

Yanks send your bombers; Brits send your hens. Big corporation? Cruising for a bit of “double Irish”? European? Into treaty-play? We mean no until you make us mean yes. Bankers? Bailouts? We’re in! Fancy a troika? We’ll do everything except Greek…

Jedward, sealed by Gardai ahead of Obama visit

Advance CIA security forces have moved to seal John and Edward Grimes following threats made by the twins that they intend to “perform” for President Obama when he visits Ireland early next week.

The move follows official embarrassment at having let Mary Byrne scream some Shirley Bassey numbers at Her Majesty the Queen of England last thursday, ahead of forcing the unfortunate monarch to witness Westlife pouting and shuffling along to a backing track.

"All Your Base Are Belong To One" Her Most Benign Malignancy Elizabeth Regina in reflective mood.

Frumpy Ardoyne housewife Mary McAleese has been “hoovering all week”; Edna Kenny, Ireland’s first female Taoiseach has been “practicing pulling my foirelock until my scalp bleeds” and Ireland as a whole has been put on a shutdown unseen in the history of the State.

Observing the level of disruption heaped upon the cowed populace of our ersatz republic, one British security operative has offered the opinion that the 1916 Rising could have been put down by the announcement of a pending visit by an octogenarian Londoner and her dodgy Greek beau.

Meanwhile the country braces itself for further enforced optimism at the hands of the Continuity Coalition as they gear up to sell as “a tourist bonanza” another week of road closures for Obama’s whistlestop “elect me please I’m Irish” visit to impress the folks back home.

In other Royal jaunt news, former Taoiseach John Bruton – who famously described the State visit of Prince Charles in 1995 as “the happiest day of my life” – has been admitted to hospital. Doctors say that despite battling for hours, they are unable to stifle his priapic erection.

Endama Bin Kenny pictured yesterday issuing threats against Ireland

Leader of the Continuity Coalition Endama Bin Kenny has issued a new video recording from his bunker believed to be either in Pakistan or somewhere in Kildare Street. In the threat the Al Fingaela leader reaffirms his commitment to Europe and proclaims a fatwa against UCD economist and unerringly accurate cassandra Morgan Kelly. This follows the latter’s pro default treatise printed in yesterday’s Daily Gael

“His children, and their children, and even their children after that will pay the ECB, may it be praised, for his insolence” the wild eyed Mayo Mullah declared, continuing; “It is a holy thing we do – even he who merely shoots himself in the foot in the time honoured way of Al Fingaela will be rewarded”.

The Continuity Coalition has pledged to carry on the policies of the previous “government” as proof of their fealty to Brussells and because it is “their turn”.

STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* Ayatollah Yer Fuckinmonee the head of NAMA has this afternoon formally announced moves to take over the Bin Laden compound in Abbotobad “In the national interest”

Artist’s impression of how the new FG/Lab recovery plan will work

THE IRISH diaspora will be asked to participate in a novel job creation initiative that will involve sending “passage money” home from their domestic service jobs across in the fancy parts of New York and Boston, Taoiseach Edna Kenny has revealed.
Mrs Kenny, who is in New York today for a series of meetings on Wall Street designed to attract investment, believes the 80 million-strong Irish diaspora can also be harnessed to build several new cathedrals in the country.
The scheme, which will be announced as part of next week’s jobs initiative, will involve a finder’s fee of a novena for every slob that emigrates, and stays feckin emigrated, from the project.
“If jobs are created outside Ireland, and are still in existence two years on, the finder or initiator will be thrown a novena arranged by the Government.
“It is a different version of ask not what your country can do for you. You pin-point this for the country and the country is going to respond,” said Mrs Kenny in an interview with The Daily Gael.