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O’Cuiv “Possibly High”

Saturday, January 22nd, 2011

Eamon O’Cuiv – off his biscuit?

There have been calls this evening for Eamon O’Cuiv to be tested for drugs following bizarre claims he made on Newstalk 106 that he is “on the left wing of the Fianna Fail Party” – this despite the fact that Fianna Fail is not really a party any more, nor has it a left wing to speak of.

Mr O’Cuiv, a comedy stage Irishman employed by Fianna Fail to make Mattie McGrath appear urbane, made his statement during the radio appearance where he was announcing for the first time out loud in english that he was putting himself forward as a leadership candidate for the Fianna Falling-down-a-hole-to-hell party.

Experts however believe that Mr O’Cuiv is not using illegal mind altering substances, pointing to clear examples at all levels of his disintegrating party of people with no actual mind to alter.

Conor Lenihan is 46.

Acting Taoiseach Assumes New Duties As Minister For Foreign Health

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

Frontline medical staff at Dublin’s Mater Hospital react to news of Mary Harney’s resignation as Health Minister earlier this evening

It’s the day we thought would never come – Mary Harney, former PD leader, domineering cash sponge and holder of the title Mighty Jabba the Health since 2004 has resigned her position at cabinet citing her retirement from electoral politics after the next election as reason.

This follows the resignation yesterday of Corkonian lightweight leadership challenger Mehole Martin from the position of Minister for Foriegn Affairs.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has assumed both newly vacant portfolios under the new conflated title Acting Taoiseach and Minister for Foreign Health which should reassure our friends in the IMF and ECB.

Ms Harney will be able to use her retirement to spend more of her time with our money.

Scientists looking for a cure for the HSE have been heartened by the self eradication of the Harney virus which has been linked to the wholesale destruction of the health service.

Acting Taoiseach Relaxes Ahead Of Heave Meeting

Monday, January 17th, 2011

No hard feelings – the acting Taoiseach and Michael Martin relax with a few swings on the golf course ahead of tomorrow morning’s Fianna Fail parliamentary party meeting in which Mr Cowen faces a confidence motion tabled by himself

MaFFia ‘Heave That Never Was’ Back On In Earnest

Sunday, January 16th, 2011

Following the dramatic press conference by the Minister for Matters Outside Cork Michael Martin in which he declared his challenge for leadership of Fianna Fail it seems that a real contest is on.

Here, The Emergency presents your definitive ‘at-a-glance’ guide to the front runners who may battle it out over the coming days to win the chance to drive the smouldering wreck of the Fianna Fail party to the wreckers’ yard.

Michael Martin (3/1)
Made his name as The Minister for Banning Stuff under Bertie Ahern. A consistent performer. Certain to win at least one vote.

Mary Hanafin (6/1)
Took over from serial idiot Martin Cullen when he tripped and fell out of his portfolio at the Department of Arse All and Antics. Hanafin, often mistaken for a woman, has promised a radical overhaul of the party and the state and favours a 24 hour Angelus channel.

Eamon O’Cuiv (10/1)
Minister for Self Protectection, O’Cuiv is grandson of Fianna Fail founder Eamon DeVenereal. A lifelong opponent of frivolity, an O’Cuiv Fianna Fail would see a return to economic war with godless England and a copy of the Irish
Press for every man woman and child in the country.

A Bucket Of Shite(fav)
At present the clear front runner and described by almost all within the parliamentary party as urbane, witty and incisive – the logical choice for even Ógra members as it gives them something to aspire to

Labour In Dramatic 3pm Announcement

Friday, January 14th, 2011

Labour Leader Eamon Gilmore demonstrating his girl like catching abilities at his press conference moments ago

Labour Leader Eamon Gilmore has just given a dramatic press conference to dispel suspicions that there really isn’t much difference between the three main parties on economic policy when it comes to bending over and taking it from the ECB/IMF – he also took the opportunity to prove how different he is from acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen.

“Labour are pressing forward. Labour wants change. I am as unlike Mr Cowen as can be. I wish to reassure voters that I will be a completely different animal to him in government. There will be no favours for vested interests granted or sought on a golf course or any other field of play by me or under my watch. Sure I haven’t a coordinated bone in my body. I catch like a girl and swing like a wasp. There’ll be no sport when I’m in. Oh no”.

“Labour are thrusting. We are going to hold all the cards after the next election. Let the voters make up their minds and not be told about Dáil arithmetic – Labour will triumph”

Asked by reporters how the voting public could be differentiate him from, say Enda Kenny, Mr Gilmore was forthright. “You will be able to tell us apart easily. I will be in the Tánaiste’s office”.

Cowen Heave Survival Inspires Movie

Thursday, January 13th, 2011

Veteran ‘zombie flick’ supremo Cesar Romero is in talks with the Fianna Fanglo party to film the definitive story of acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s political survival.

“Your last leader, whatsisname…the one who lives in a press…he was called ‘The Teflon Taoiseach’. His story I am not interested in” Mr Romero said, continuing “but this man, this Cowen – ‘The Suppurating Zombie Taoiseach’ he is perfect for me. I must bring his story to the silver screen”.

The movie is due for release in March. No July. No September. No, after a feasibility study. No after christmas. No in a year and a half……

Cowen’s Garda Driver “Heard Nothing”

Thursday, January 13th, 2011

It has emerged this morning that a heave against acting Don of of the MaFFiana Fail crime family may be underway – this follows yesterday’s revelations in the Dáil that Mr Cowenleone dined in July 2008 in the company of two directors and one ex director of toxic bank Anglo and a government appointee to the Central Bank.

Also at the dinner in Druids Glen was Mr Cowenleone’s Garda driver, who you could expect to be of some use as a source of detailed information regarding the conversation at the dinner table on that fateful night.

Sadly this has proven to not be the case. The driver in question has stated that he did indeed join the company but after patting down the others for his boss the last thing that he understood was when Fintan Drury recommended the pasta vongole.

“After that” the Garda driver said “Mr Cowenleone told me that him and Seanie and the others was going to talk Italian to eachother and did I mind? Jaysus no chief says I and I ate me spag bol when it arrived and they all just jabbered away”.

When asked if he remembered anything specific or unusual from the night in question he furrowed his brow in deep concentration for almost three minutes before he answered “Yes. That spag bol tasted very fishy and was too feckin’ crunchy for my liking”.