An Emergency /lookoutthewindow Poll of Polls, the most comprehensive poll to date since the start of the election campaign, shows clear trends indicating that voters can expect a 1200% increase in polls and polling by polling day – the poll is to be published tomorrow and every four and a half hours from then until February 25th.

The poll, which has a margin of error of 83.17333333333333 clearly shows that polls conducted by Red C and Millward Browne/Lansdowne are within 67% of either gaining on eachother or settling an each way bet against Ipsos/MRBI which has a healthy lead of .75900% on it’s two main competitors, unless you hold the bar chart up at an angle to direct sunlight which shows the market research giant on course to relinquish up to 900% of it’s 210% ‘Easy Quotability At Dinner Parties” Rating.

The Emergency /lookoutthewindow shows a surprising growth in the dominance of so called ‘Independent Pollsters’ – a grouping which comprises Taxi Drivers, Hair Dressers/Barbers, Little Old Ladies Who Spend Ages At The Checkout Fumbling For Change In A Ridiculously Tiny Tartan Purse, And Fianna Fail Spindoctors. Since data from these polls is anecdotal and unpublished they don’t normally make it to the Poll of Polls, but there has been a marked increase of the incidence of otherwise virtual strangers asking eachother “What do you think about…?”; there has also been a commensurate rise in the amount of information these Independent Pollsters dispense, although in the case of the Fianna Fail Spindoctors this information exceeds the key Margin of Credibility by 86,000,000,000

Asked about his reaction to the latest poll MrKenGilMartinny of Fianna Labgael said “There is only one poll which counts”. Gerry Adams said something vaguely comprehensible about VAT situations in border Monaghans and the ULA weren’t asked anything at all.

ARE YOU SICK TO YOUR BACKTEETH OF POLLS? TAKE PART IN OUR POLL ON THE EMERGENCY HOMEPAGE

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen performs his final official task about now as he sets out to Áras an Uachtarain to formally request that President McAleese dissolve the 30th Dáil

The drive to the Park is expected to take six and a half hours. A government spokesgoon has provided the map above detailing Mr Cowen’s route.

“The harrassment has been unbearable” King Cobra

A King Cobra snake which has been at the centre of allegations of being a poisonous bloodsucker by other creatures had broken it’s silence on what it calls “extreme harassment” by it’s accusers.

Critics of the King Cobra say that he has been fierce, agile, and capable of delivering a large quantity of highly potent venom in a single bite – and that he is one of the most dangerous and feared Asiatic snakes.

The snake today gave his side telling journalists “My life has been hell with these allegations. I have suffered abuse. My family has suffered abuse. Ivor Callely was left on my porch….”

Sunk it’s last ship…

An iceberg which is believed to be responsible for mass sinkings has announced the end of his 27-year floating dangerously in the Atlantic career last night, confirming that he was stepping down as a danger to shipping.

The iceberg said his proudest moment in office was playing a part in the sinking of the entire merchant fleet, thousands of cars and countless aspirations. He said he had no future plans but would be playing an active part as a former gargantuan chunk of killer ice canvassing for Fianna Fáil in the forthcoming general election.
The iceberg refused to reveal the date that it would melt, and also refused to comment on strong speculation that a very similar iceberg from the same floe called Barry, would now seek to sink boats on canals.
The iceberg made his announcement on Radio Caroline, saying he had consulted with his seals and polar bears before arriving at his final choice.

Speaking in an emotional voice, the iceberg thanked the floaters in his wake for their support which, he said, had enabled him to enjoy a lengthy career during which he had sunk an entire country.

Speaking afterwards, the iceberg said that, with the benefit of hindsight, it was easy to criticise the sinkings he had been instrumental in but he was satisfied that his integrity and good name were intact. Whereupon he boiled away into steam and flood water.

Senator Shane Ross: Would Lobe To Rule

In a surprise move Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin, who was powerless to stop the disasterous management of the country’s affairs while in cabinet due to “jackeen interference”, has vowed that his party would support a minority Shane Ross government under certain circumstances.

Head

“If Senator Ross is the largest head in the Dáil, but still does not have enough of a seat to form a majority, Fianna Fáil would be prepared to support him as a government provided he sticks to the Four Year Plan,” explained Martin suavely.

Lobes

Senator Ross has however rejected these overtures. “My head is easily big enough to rule this barony with the merest throb of my exposed frontal lobes,” he quipped while handing out promotional snipes and canapes to bemused commuters on the Luas in Dublin South.

Micheál Martin, the last person ever to lead Fianna Fail, has this morning named his new front bench.

He is Willie O’Dea a TD of no fixed story representing Limerick.

Hopes dashed for Fianna Fail’s young turks

It has emerged that Fianna Fail are not making an entry into this year’s Texaco Children’s Art Competition – the first time in 43 years that the party has failed to field contestants.

The closing date for entries to the 57th Texaco Children’s Art Competition is Friday, 25th February 2011. Fianna Fail deputies and hopefuls checking the rules (a novel experience for any member of the party) are greeted by the stark warning that “This date is final. If your entry is received after this date it will not be submitted to the judges.

Heartbroken Mary Coughlan and Conor Lenihan were too distraught to comment. Dara Calleary wept openly. Martin Manservant questioned the wisdom of not just letting Fianna Fail win out of a sense of gratitude and “for stability’s sake”.

Outgoing pig dealer and debonair ‘Man About Mitchelstown’ Ned O’Keefe demanded to know why the judges were: “… given final arbitration over such an important matter if they are going to be no use to the system which appointed them ….I’m not trying to change anything by way of which the law of this country is enacted but all I’ll say is this – they forget their frinds very quick now”. He eventually went away when it was explained to him that the judges in question weren’t Fianna Fail appointees.

Ahern Regrets Vision For Ireland Never Quite Fulfilled

Popular Horse-Backer and retiring bloodsucker Bertie Ahern has told reporters his biggest regret is not building a huge costly stadium on the ruins of the country.

“Peace in the North seems hollow and the collapse of the Irish economy a side-issue when you consider that we still have no stadium capable of staging an American football match between two teams of sperm whales,” he explained to the press outside the gates of Leinster House as he made his getaway yesterday.

Mister Ahern was harangued by passers who have felt the pinch of wage cuts. The former Taoiseach chortled merrily, made a note in a small black book labelled “peoples dat I must get” and departed with a large amount of roof lead in a bag marked “swag”.

Iar Taoiseach Bertie Ahern gamboling and frolicking in the specially constructed pension(s) vault under his , Beresford, Drumcondra home

Former taoiseach Bertie Ahern left them rolling with laughter in the dole queues saying today that he wished “somebody somewhere” had warned him about the looming economic catastrophe while he was in power.

On his last ever full day in the Dáil, Mr Ahern also listed his failed attempt to build a national sports stadium – nicknamed the Bertie Bowl – among his biggest regrets because nothing distracts idiots like a match somewhere.

The former MaFFianna Fáil don is among a string of high-profile figures in the party who are standing down from the Cosa Nostra at the General Election next month.

Speaking about his failure to develop a sports stadium despite spending multiples of tax payers’ money on it, the loveable Drumcondra crim said “Unfortunately, when I see little countries like Qatar and Kuwait and everyone in the World Cup talking about their tent stadiums, and we never succeeded in getting one national stadium,” he told RTÉ radio. “That’s an achievement I tried hard to do but I did have a tent”

“You wouldn’t see the leaders of those places puttin up wid all these whingers and moaners trying to get on the telly and radio complaining about the government neither” said the man who once described himself as “The last limb severing Saudi prince in the