This song was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on Feb 16th 2011. It’s a new recording and the lyrics are updated for the General election 2011 from the original version elsewhere on this site. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

The Class Of Inbred Gobshite Always Running For The Dail - GE2011 Update [ 2:38 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Emergency is broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries every weekday on The David Harvey Show (9-11am) and repeated on The Home Run with Brian McColl after 4pm.

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Retiring TD for Cork East Nedlam O’Keefe

“THE situation has become so bad that an Army coup is a real possibility NUTGOBBLER!!! Spiders! SPIIIIDERRS! THEYRE ALL OVER ME!!.” – so says retiring Fianna Fáil TD Ned O’Keeffe.

The Cork East TD is laying the potential for a coup d’etat on the shoulders of Acting acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen and Minister for 3 Card Monte Brian Lenihan.

“Our political system is going to fail further. The two Brians have made a right mess of the country and I see the real possibility of an Army coup. SHITSPONGE! WALLOP ME! TIT!” he said today to nobody in particular.

“People thought I was mad with all the things I have predicted through the years, but I foresaw the economy collapsing due to lax regulation on building housing estates and unwanted shopping centres – it’s why I voted with government policy. WHALESEX!.”

“Last year people laughed when I foretold the appearance in the skies over Ireland of a giant burning disc, but they weren’t laughing in July sitting out under it EATING BARBEQUED LOBSTER LIKE PIMPS!”

Mr O’Keefe claimed Charlie Haughey would be turning in his grave if he saw what Ireland had become.

“So what if Charlie liked nice women and a few extra nice shirts, and his own private island and defrauding the state and untraceable cash donations and busty newsreaders? He was the best leader we ever had.TYRANNOSAUR FLASKS!! WHICH OF YE STOLE THE MAGIC BUNS???!!”

Fine Gael leader Edna Kenny (Mrs) striding around the capital as his party shows a surge among the key conservative/misanthropic/complete/bastard demographic

Mainstream media outlets are today heralding the inevitable dawn of a Fine Gael minority government which will bring about the end of a tussle over power and the correct Irish spelling of “Right Wing Swine” which has been raging since the Civil War.

This is without doubt the preferred option of benign tax exiles such as the richest man in Malta communications czar Wiggy O’Brien, and the international financier and mustache enthusiast Dermot Desmond – the latter of whom recently outlined his roadmap for the eventual privatisation of Ireland. Mr Desmond has in the past had other brilliant ideas of immense benefit to Ireland, chief among which were the IFSC and bankrolling loveable Kinsealy crim Charles J. Haughey.

In which Vincent Browne crosses sighs with Joe Higgins, Micheál Martin and Terry Prone.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on Feb 14th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

Vincent Browne Show Sketch [ 2:36 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Emergency is broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries every weekday on The David Harvey Show (9-11am) and repeated on The Home Run with Brian McColl after 4pm.

Micheál Martin the last man to lead Fianna Fail causing a deeper gaffe with ill judged references to height when apologising to the Chinese Ambassador to Ireland during a specially staged photocall ahead of the five way Leaders Debate on RTE’s Frontline programme on Valentine’s Night

Micheál Martin, during a Valentines morning speech at a digital conference, caused insult to several million Chinese citizens and a few actual impressionists when he illustrated an anecdote about his travels in China with an appalling comedy ‘far eastern’ accent.

Later on after apologising and hinting darkly that he was not in any way responsible for the incident Mr Martin took the opportunity to beg the forgiveness of the Chinese Ambassador to Ireland Mr Liu Biwei. All went swimmingly until Mr Martin, seemingly unable to stop himself told onlookers that “Sure he’s only a little fella” and “I’m not afraid unless they all jump off of a chair at the same time”.

The incident has sparked fears of a possible war between Ireland and China which we cannot win. Unlike the one with the ECB which is going “grand” according to sources at the Department of Finance.

A spokesman for Fianna Fail said that the party welcomes the challenge of going to war with the second most powerful and successful industrial economy in the world stating; “Sure we’ve pissed off everyone else, it was only a matter of time before riled the Chinese – the surprise is Micheál did it. We thought all you’d have to do is leave Conor Lenihan in an empty room for a couple of weeks with a phone and an international telephone directory”.

Hosni Mubarak pictured in The Tap Bar in Tullamore enjoying a pint “I’m finally able to look at things” he says

DATELINE EGYPTANIA.: Hosni Mubarak, the second least popular politician of 2011, has finally stepped down prompting a wave of celebrations across Egypt and causing Micheál Martin to reflexively consider standing as his replacement.

A stoic Mr Mubarak went to himself earlier today and formally asked himself to dissolve his government. He then travelled to The Tap Bar in Tullamore to “spend time with loyal friends”.

Mr Mubarak moved fellow drinkers with his heartfelt rendition of The Pyramids of Ponchartrain before livening up his audience with a series of razor sharp impressions of Anwar Sadat, Lawrence of Arabia and golfer Padraig Harrington.

Unbiased independent commentator and journalistic paragon, 9 time winner of the Pulitzer Award and Media Trainer Extraordinaire Terry Prone exclusively looks at the state of the parties and analyses last night’s TV3 Leaders’ Debate today for The Emergency…..

Do you know what? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say (in this lil laydee’s opinion) Micheál Martin won that debate head and shoulders hands down last night and I’ll tell you why. I could also tell you a thing or two the gals in TV3 confided about how he made their hearts unexpectedly go flip (but thats for another column…)
You see, what poor old Gilmore on the looney left doesn’t see is that we Irish don’t go in for change. Its because we don’t need it you see. But alas, the like of earnest Eamon red faced in from another of his student marches just doesn’t cut the mustard with Joe and Mary public. No siree.
(As for Moany Joe the Moan Higgins and the rest, I heartily suggest they pack themselves off to Cuban cigar land where they can suffer dreadful tropical disease with no functioning health service and good enough for them!)
Whats that you say? Sinn who? They didn’t even get as far as poor Eamon with his “Gilmore for Taoiseach” thing. TV3 didn’t show them as far as the studio. Not that there wasn’t room for a horde of them thanks to the chasm of anticipation left by the real star of the no show last night plucky Enda Kenny. You know what? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say I think he should just be made Taoiseach by popular vote on Liveline and save us all the heartache (and spare us from the Independents Lord save us!) I just don’t think its worth it.
Oh sure, last week all the begrudgers and ‘Moanie Malcolms’ had plenty to say about poor Michael Martin and co. That was then. When they were down -but now, where are the yeasayers? Nowhere because that’s just not the Irish way. Fianna Fail won’t get the thanks they so richly deserve for holding steady on their course. No. That will have to wait until NAMA pays off big. For. Us. All.
But am I the only little girl left who wishes Santa would come back on the 25th of February and get Enda and Micheál together? Thats one dream team that would make things better around here. And streamline my invoicing procedures

“It Was Just A Dream” He Tells Shocked Electorate

Micheál Martin has not been part of a disasterous Fianna Fáil government tainted by accusations of corrupt cronyism, but was just showering. The shock revelation came at a Fianna Fáil press conference where Martin lucnhed the party’s proposals for reform.

“Imaginary, Dream Fianna Fáil were a terrible crowd,” admitted Martin, “Thankfully I’m out of the shower now, fragrant and real and I mean reformy business”.

“Selective In Our Audience”

The Fianna Fáil leader revealed that his party was on course to vastly improve the quality of the people voting for it, by deliberately slashing their numbers. “Although we will have far fewer seats, they will be of a very high standard, with possibly 80% more seaty goodness in each one. The days are gone when a Fianna Fáil TD could expect to represent any old constituent. Now we will be selecting only a few hand-picked constitutents to represent.”

“Abolish”

Fianna Fail has now pledged to abolish the Seanad. “The Seanad typifies the sort of political patronage and cronyism indulged in by Dream Fianna Fáil, with which I have nothing to do,” explained Martin. “Now that we’ll be appointing the cabinet randomly from our special friends, we simply don’t need the Seanad anymore”.

“Not That Payment”

Fianna Fáil also pledged to end huge payments for ministers after they have left their ministerial post. However Mr. Martin’s payment of about €90,000 as a former minister will not be affected, since it was given to Dream Micheál Martin and not the real showering one while we were all asleep.

An Emergency /lookoutthewindow Poll of Polls, the most comprehensive poll to date since the start of the election campaign, shows clear trends indicating that voters can expect a 1200% increase in polls and polling by polling day – the poll is to be published tomorrow and every four and a half hours from then until February 25th.

The poll, which has a margin of error of 83.17333333333333 clearly shows that polls conducted by Red C and Millward Browne/Lansdowne are within 67% of either gaining on eachother or settling an each way bet against Ipsos/MRBI which has a healthy lead of .75900% on it’s two main competitors, unless you hold the bar chart up at an angle to direct sunlight which shows the market research giant on course to relinquish up to 900% of it’s 210% ‘Easy Quotability At Dinner Parties” Rating.

The Emergency /lookoutthewindow shows a surprising growth in the dominance of so called ‘Independent Pollsters’ – a grouping which comprises Taxi Drivers, Hair Dressers/Barbers, Little Old Ladies Who Spend Ages At The Checkout Fumbling For Change In A Ridiculously Tiny Tartan Purse, And Fianna Fail Spindoctors. Since data from these polls is anecdotal and unpublished they don’t normally make it to the Poll of Polls, but there has been a marked increase of the incidence of otherwise virtual strangers asking eachother “What do you think about…?”; there has also been a commensurate rise in the amount of information these Independent Pollsters dispense, although in the case of the Fianna Fail Spindoctors this information exceeds the key Margin of Credibility by 86,000,000,000

Asked about his reaction to the latest poll MrKenGilMartinny of Fianna Labgael said “There is only one poll which counts”. Gerry Adams said something vaguely comprehensible about VAT situations in border Monaghans and the ULA weren’t asked anything at all.

ARE YOU SICK TO YOUR BACKTEETH OF POLLS? TAKE PART IN OUR POLL ON THE EMERGENCY HOMEPAGE