The Labour Party has vowed to remain firmly on the sidelines and to continue to “give a voice to the bemused dumbstruck rubbernecking masses at the scene of the Celtic Car Crash” despite slipping back into 3rd place in the recent Red C opinion poll.

Labour has gained enormously in popularity recently with it’s lovable rose logo and radical “name that doesn’t begin with ‘F’” policy.

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore has promised to keep pressure on the government by staring hard at them across the floor of the Dail. Read more »

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen today took a well earned break from fisting the economy to death by leading a St Patrick’s Day march in Chicago.

Mr Cowen will later this week travel to Washington where he will play the stage Irish card and present a crystal bowl of weeds to US President Barack Obama. This will be his second time to make a presentation to the leader of the free world but will differ in two key respects from last year. Firstly the crystal bowl will not be manufactured in Ireland as we no longer have an indigenous cut crystalware industry; secondly Mr Cowen’s autocue camera will have a big picture of a pint above it with a sign reading “THIS IS YOUR SPEECH DOPE” above that to prevent a repeat of last year’s faux pas when Mr Cowen tried to deliver the president’s speech in error.

The acting Taoiseach will return with plenty of duty free in just over a week and is expected to commence work on his forthcoming autobiography.

A rough of the cover of acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s autobiography

Barry Gibb resigning yesterday

The world of falsetto anchored disco was reeling last night following the announcement by Barry Gibb that he is to resign his position as Jive Talker and Disco King immediately.

Stayin Alive?
Mr Gibb’s resignation throws more pressure on the limping crossover disco/folk album by the Bee Gees and folk group The Greens which is being recorded at huge expense. Industry insiders warn that the album will be shit anyway

Minister for Arse All and Antics Martin Cullen pictured in happier days

Minister for Arse All and Antics Martin Cullen has tonight resigned from Cabinet and the Dáil due to the chronic backstory that has been troubling him severely in recent months.

Mr Cullen was unable to attend an event today with the president of Timor-Leste, Dr Jose Ramos-Horta, who didn’t notice his absence while on a State visit to Ireland.

In his resignation statement, which was made on the plinth at Leinster House at 7.30pm, Mr Cullen said he was proud to have represented the self interest of the Fianna Fail voters of Waterford and to have served in successive Fianna Fáil-led heists.

“I have always enjoyed the foriegn travel and fine dining afforded me by junkets, however my consultant’s advice is that I have tumbled out of my last helicopter” he said continuing; “… it is with regret that I must now retire from public life and start spending those pensions”.

The Waterford TD’s departure from the Cabinet will provide acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen with further latitude as he attempts to give his Government a fresh look in a reshuffle over the next two weeks. Ironically this will take place after the annual Shamrock & Vomit Junket season.

A new Wind Energy Academy is to be established in Donegal as part of that county’s efforts to become the Wind Capital of Ireland.

The initial phase of the development of the Wind Academy will build on the existing Diploma In Light Breezes and its companion postgraduate MA course in Applied Puffing at the Letterkenny Institute of Technology.

But wind boffins are particularly excited about the prospect of harnessing the wind output of the Tánaiste, Mary Coughlan. It is thought Ms. Coughlan’s output could be converted using a specially strengthened turbine which would see her hooked up to the national grid by 2012. Read more »

Social networking phenomenon Twitter said last night it has ‘no confidence’ in Green Party chairman Dan Boyle, despite the motion of confidence in the Minister for Defense passed by the Dail yesterday evening with the support of Green Party TDs.

The social networking site used itself to convey the view and said the Cork Senator’s position “is compromised”.

Twitter said:

“As regards to Senator Boyle I don’t have confidence in him. His situation is compromised. Probably be a few chapters in this story yet LOL ROFLMAO FTW?!!.”

Twitter said it was unhappy at what transpired yesterday in the Dáil. “Not happy with what happened today. Believe Greens (sic) are arseholes. Pls RT.”

The decision to hold the motion in the Dáil yesterday afternoon came after the Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny screamed out his intention earlier this week to table a motion of no confidence in the Minister, to be taken in Opposition time next week.

Willie O’Dea explaining his honest mistake to the Dail yesterday

Opening the motion yesterday afternoon, acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen defended Mr O’Dea, saying that he “had made a genuine mistake”. The Taoiseach was critical of the Opposition’s intention to table a motion of no confidence in the Minister for Defence, who Mr Cowen descrtibed as the “…best Minister for Defence in recent times. Describing him as “the best Minister for Defence in recent times” suggests that there is no criteria other than whether or not a defense minister can be judged solely on the basis of having actively prevented any invasions lately. It also makes one wonder who was the worst Minister for Defence given our uninvaded status since 1922.

“I’ve heard people on the Opposition benches trying to propagate the myth that the Minister is in breach of the Cabinet code of conduct,” Mr Cowen blustered petulantly, “ but this is once again a case of political discourse from the Opposition benches generating more heat than light. In any case, we have no code, no honour, nada, zip, fuck all”

The Government won the motion of confidence in Minister for Defence Willie O’Dea yesterday evening by 80 votes in favour and 69 against. That’s 80 people. Surely there must be at least 800 people out there willing to attempt a citizen’s arrest on the charge of aiding and abetting a criminal after the fact?

As a thank you and a Merry Xmas to our friends, supporters, hangers-on and especially to our enemies, without whom none of this would be possible, we’ve decided to make available free to download “A TDs’ Christmas Song”, the festive track from our current CD release “Use Democracy Sensibly”.

Please download, listen and enjoy in your bonus-free hovel while our masters whoop it up over the Holiday period.

 

 A TD's Christmas Song [3:42m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Words & Music © 2009 Carmody & Jones
Vocals: Karen Ardiff
Guitars: Morgan C Jones
Bells: Dermot Carmody
Backing track recorded by Dylan Jones
Vocals recorded @ Mutiny Studios

Get Your Use Democracy Sensibly CD Now

If you’d like to own the entire CD, you can now order Use Democracy Sensible from us here!

Have-a-Go crim “Bertie”

Residents in the north Dublin suburb of Drumcondra have been warned to exercise extra vigilence of their belongings following recent sightings of cheeky local ‘have-a-go’ con man Bertie Ahern – this time in far off Dubai.

An internet video of the loveable crim has surfaced showing him using his trademark mangled english to extoll the sturdiness of Dubai’s economy – barely a week later, that economy was revealed to be in ruins – believed to have disappeared into Bertie’s magical carpetbag.

Organisers of the event to promote Dubai on the world stage, local residents Sheikh Nik El Eeson and Leh Man al Bruthers broke down when they told The Emergency’s Breaking News Desk of their losses. “We all expected a few items to go missing from his hotel suite” Sheikh El Eeson said; “Soaps, showercaps, television sets, bedspreads – all of these we are used to, but this…this…what is the Irish word for him? Yes by the Profit! He is a shitehawk – this shitehawk has buggered us all with his financial jinx. He is an evil dji’in”

Leh Man al Bruthers was inconsolable; “Who will pay for the 1000s of cubic tonnes of snow that the Profit expects to adorn the rockery in my wadi? Who will drive me to public beheadings and loppings? Not ‘Lucky One-Stumped’ Abdul my chauffeur. Poor Lucky had only just escaped another lopping for a minor traffic offence and now I must lay him off to starve, leaving me with no option but to scowl impotently at my hangar full of Bentleys and Daimlers. The Profit has deserted us…in our….desert”.

Lovingly captured on on a videogramatical cylinder this performance formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009. This marked the performance debut of the song “Hey Brian”.

Read more »