James Joyce’s wartime family passport, recording the writer’s movements across Europe as he wrote his famous ‘durty buke’ Ulysses , has sold for €69,747 at auction in London today.

Disgraced former Taoiseach the late unlamented master embezzler Charles J. Haughey pictured outside "Charlie's Discount Passports & Citizenship Emporium", his once thriving business in Kinsealy north county Dublin

The auction result is something of a record, but still comes nowhere near the astronomical sums reached by Charles J.Haughey when as Taoiseach in the 1980′s he successfully peddled several Irish passports to a number of shady yet wealthy individuals from the middle east – including one to Sheikh Khalid bin Mahfouz…a brother in law of Osama Bin Laden.

A staff reporter from The Emergency attempted to contact Mr Haughey in Hell for a comment on the Joyce sale but was told that the former Fianna Fail leader was “too busy ‘fixing’ things down here” to speak.

This eight week run of The Emergency on 4fm concludes with Enda Kenny, Michael Noonan, Joan Burton & Eamon Gilmore suffering another dreadful day in the office and reminiscing about that lovely day just a few short weeks ago when they went to visit “that nice lady who lives near the zoo…”

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Perfect Day [ 4:13 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

HOW HE WAS CAUGHT: Former Senator Ivor Necklikeajockeysbollix pictured using the discreet modern telephone apparatus which he recently claimed expenses for after purchasing it from The Marconi Telegraph & Trans-Atlantic Cable Company, which he insists is still trading near Cobh

Former Senator Ivor Necklikeajockeysbollix has been fined €60 for holding a mobile phone while driving and he will also receive four penalty points on his licence.

The colourful West Cork sponger had denied the offence and claimed that he was using a state of the art hands-free device for which he had several corroborating invoices whilst driving.

He was convicted at Dublin District Court after evidence from a Garda officer that he was using his phone whilst driving a blue Jaguar car on Ballybough Road in Dublin on 11 October last year. It is about as much justice as he is ever expected to face in this state until the inevitable passage of “bloodthirsty mob” legislation, better known as all out rebellion, expected in 2013.

Accepting the Garda’s evidence, the judge handed down the sentence of a €60 fine and four penalty points. The Houses of the Oireachtais are already steeling themselves for his inevitable claim for the expense incurred.

Prompted by a question to the Taoiseach from Sinn Féin Leader, Gerry Adams, Enda Kenny is joined by Michael, Noonan, Micheál Martin, Eamon Gilmore, Joe Higgins, Luke Ming Flanagan and eventually by everybody as the Dáil descends into song.

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What I Want [ 3:03 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

In which Bertie Ahern learns of the loss of his car and driver and does not feel good about it.
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Bad Loser Bertie [ 2:43 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“Deep in a cave somewhere in The Galtee Mountains the once powerful warlord Onama Bin Martin, gathers the remnants of his raggle-taggle army around him…”
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Bin Martin's Cave [ 2:25 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

In which the party leaders each receive an Oscar nomination.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on Feb 28 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

The Oscars [ 2:20 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Emergency is broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries every weekday on The David Harvey Show (9-11am) and repeated on The Home Run with Brian McColl after 4pm.

Podcast

All audio content on The Emergency site, including pieces first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries, is available as a podcast:

Feed URL: http://www.theemergency.ie/feed/podcast/
iTunes (web): http://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620
Subscribe using iTunes app: itms://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620

“I want you to whack the man in the photo I’ve just given you…and remember, its got to look like an accident” Micheál Martin, the last man to lead Fianna Fail deep in a huddle with Smoked Salmon Canape & Reisling leader Eamon Gilmorefortaoiseach

RTE wundermilf Miriam O’Callaghan pictured in the Primetime studio with the three party leaders ahead of last night’s final televised 3 way debate

The three main party leaders last night clashed on banks, the economy and the health service in the final leaders’ debate which was hosted by RTE wundermilf Miriam O’Callaghan.

Fianna Fáil leader Larry accused Fine Gael’s Moe and Labour leader Curly of seeking to conceal the pain their policies would cause.

However, Moe and Curly turned their fire on Larry saying “Woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo” and “C’mere you! Why I oughtta..”.

The debate was predictably dominated by banking and the economy.
Both opposition stooges said the Government had done a bad deal with the EU and the IMF and botched the bank guarantee.

Larry insisted his Government’s actions had been endorsed by both Abbot and Costello as well as most of the speaking members of the Marx Brothers.

The differences between Fine Gael and Labour on cutting public sector numbers and reforming the health services were evident but the slapstick was cordial.

The Little Tramp or “voters” as they are more commonly known will have their chance to vote for a Laurel & Hardy government on Friday. This follows consistent warnings of late by Curly of the dangers of a Laurel minority government.

In which Sinn Féin candidate Mary Lou McDonald feels treated unfairly by George Hook.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on Feb 18th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

George Hook And Mary Lou McDonald [ 2:17 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Emergency is broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries every weekday on The David Harvey Show (9-11am) and repeated on The Home Run with Brian McColl after 4pm.

Podcast

All audio content on The Emergency site, including pieces first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries, is available as a podcast:

Feed URL: http://www.theemergency.ie/feed/podcast/
iTunes (web): http://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620
Subscribe using iTunes app: itms://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620