O’Cuiv “Possibly High”

Saturday, January 22nd, 2011

Eamon O’Cuiv – off his biscuit?

There have been calls this evening for Eamon O’Cuiv to be tested for drugs following bizarre claims he made on Newstalk 106 that he is “on the left wing of the Fianna Fail Party” – this despite the fact that Fianna Fail is not really a party any more, nor has it a left wing to speak of.

Mr O’Cuiv, a comedy stage Irishman employed by Fianna Fail to make Mattie McGrath appear urbane, made his statement during the radio appearance where he was announcing for the first time out loud in english that he was putting himself forward as a leadership candidate for the Fianna Falling-down-a-hole-to-hell party.

Experts however believe that Mr O’Cuiv is not using illegal mind altering substances, pointing to clear examples at all levels of his disintegrating party of people with no actual mind to alter.

Conor Lenihan is 46.

Fianna Fail Unveil Generic ‘No Cowen’ Poster

Thursday, January 20th, 2011

Fianna Fail poster for 11/03/11 #2

A week is a long time in politics and so it would seem that as the party collapses under the gravity of it’s own corruption a quarter of an hour is a long time in Fianna Fail.

Having been first off the blocks this afternoon with their Done yis all. None of ye left to do posters for Election ’11, featuring Brian Cowen in a typically combative pose, news of a fresh heave against the Fianna Fail leader has prompted the unveiling of an alternative campaign poster and slogan.

At the behest of Cowen critics within the ranks led by ‘Sciencey’ Lenihan, Noel Backbencher and Tom Crank the organisation is to run with a generic image focussing on an Ireland of the future with the upbeat slogan Going forward…

In this way elements within the party hope to disassociate themselves fully from Mr Cowen’s toxic brand and secure the 120 seats they feel are their collective due in March 11th.

Hanafin Speaks For 8 Minutes On Frontline – Says Nothing

Monday, January 17th, 2011

Local busybody Ms Gulch on the Frontline

Minister for Arse All and Antics Mary Hanafin has tonight spectacularly used an appearance on the RTE current affairs shouty zoo The Frontline to dramatically say nothing in particular about her confidence or otherwise in acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen.

Part of a panel of candidates running in the so called “Constituency of Death”, Ms Hanafin refused to be drawn on her voting intentions ahead of tomorrow’s confidence motion in the Fianna Fail leader but shocked Pat Kenny by threatening to “Fix you my pretty [Kenny], and your little dog too”.

Two audience members were impressed by a column of red smoke which appeared to engulf her, but all were disappointed when she failed to disappear. Viewers phoning RTE were also impressed that Ms Hanafin had brought one of her flying monkey bell hops with her but it has been pointed out that it was actually Green Minister of State Ciaran Cuffe.

In other news, Mary Harney has objected to RTE using the term “Constituency of Death” to describe Dun Laoghaire. A spokesfluke for Ms Harney has pointed out that her constituency is Dublin Mid West.

Acting Taoiseach Relaxes Ahead Of Heave Meeting

Monday, January 17th, 2011

No hard feelings – the acting Taoiseach and Michael Martin relax with a few swings on the golf course ahead of tomorrow morning’s Fianna Fail parliamentary party meeting in which Mr Cowen faces a confidence motion tabled by himself

Schrödinger’s Taoiseach Brian Cowen Determined To Remain In Box With Unstable Isotope

Sunday, January 16th, 2011

Schrödinger’s Taoiseach Brian Cowen

Schrödinger’s Taoiseach Brian Cowen said this evening he intended to stay in the box which allows him to occupy a quantum physical state where he is both leader of Fianna Fail and not leader of Fianna Fail – this despite internal party disquiet over his personal popularity with the electorate, the party’s standing in the polls and the dangerous proximity of a decaying isotope linking a trigger mechanism and a small flask of hydrocyanic acid.

Mr Cowen insisted this evening it was in the best interests of the country and the party for him to remain in the box.

He said his Fianna Fáil parliamentary party would hold a secret ballot on Tuesday on a motion of whether or not to violently shake the box causing the flask of hydrocyanic acid to shatter regardless of the rate of subatomic decay on the trigger mechanism.

After two days of consultation with colleagues, Mr Cowen said he had come to the conclusion that stepping down would lead to confusion and loss of authority, chiefly his.

“As Schrödinger’s Taoiseach my total focus must remain with discharging my duties to the people,” he told a press briefing in Dublin this evening from inside his box.

In an effort to clear up confusion as to whether or not he is a humble, gracious, realistic man of integtrity as has been stated ad nauseum by pundits on the nation’s airwaves of late Mr Cowen clearly stated “I made no indication of resigning at any time as leader of the party,”

The Schrödinger’s Taoiseach accepted there was “an issue” over leadership but said that question should be resolved quickly if only people would stop focussing on pesky facts

Under normal Fianna Fáil party rules, a leader would only face a vote on the leadership if caught on YouTube in the bridal suite of the Four Seasons buried up to the pubic bone in a feral she-goat.

He said he wanted to dispense with procedures and put forward the motion himself for a vote when TDs and Senators at Tuesday’s parliamentary party meeting.

Concerns over the Schrödinger’s Taoiseach’s leadership came to a head in the last week after he was publicly grilled in the Dáil on Wednesday by Sinn Fein’s Kweeeeeveeeen O’Kwaaaaaylaaaawn on his contacts with former Anglo Irish Bank boss Sean FitzPatrick.

Under pressure, he revealed the names of two other business chiefs who joined him and Mr FitzPatrick for a post-golf match dinner in Druid’s Glen, Co Wicklow – Gary McGann, chief executive of Smurfit Kappa, who was a director of Anglo at the time, and Alan Gray, an economist appointed to the Central Bank board by Schrödinger’s Taoiseach .

But tonight he rejected that his Anglo contacts were at issue. “The issue here is not about that at all,” he said “..somewhere out there in the highlands of Punanastan, Lehmann Brothers are holed up laughing at us. Laughing”.

“All members of the parliamentary party acknowledge my good faith in relation to all of these issues. My standing in the party is not under question in any way.” Which is why we have been treated to a week of watching Fianna Fail play a very public game of ‘Pass-The-Poison-Chalice’.

One Minister of State, Seán Haughey, who spoke to Mr Cowen on Thursday, said the Taoiseach was not plotting to remain in office.

“I found him in a very philosophical humour, very genuinely open to discussion and debate,” he said. “He had got someone to deck out his box with some leftover fairy lights from christmas and he had laid on biscuits and a basket of free money for visiting TDs and Senators”

“I didn’t get the impression of a man who was sitting there in a box plotting to remain in power and not in power simultaneously.” Mr Haughey also said he told Mr Cowen he was not communicating with the electorate but that this may have been due to the muffling effect of two layers of heavy duty cardboard.

The minister said he got the impression Mr Cowen wanted to do what was best for the country and party. Unfortunately it seems that every time he goes into the room with the bottle of brandy and revolver he invariably drains the brandy and loses the revolver.

“If he thought it was in the interests of the party, I think he would consider stepping down,” he told RTÉ Radio today. Best interests of the party. The country can go and hang its bollix on the Five Lamps evidently.

Jedward: “Oh My God!!! We, Like, Totally Asked Cowen To Get Fianna Fail Votes For Us On X Factor!!!!!”

Friday, January 14th, 2011

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen is not out of the woods yet. On top of former Anglo chief David Drumm’s allegations that he asked the NTMA to deposit money with Anglo Irish, it has now emerged that Jedward approached the Fianna Fail leader as early as Week Four of The X Factor in 2009 asking him to persuade members of Fianna Fail to vote for them. The Taoiseach had previously denied doing this, although he has admitted saying “Fair play to them, Ireland needs a lift, going forward” when questioned during Week Six in the Dail about the performances of the mental-haired twosome on the popular British horror show.

Jedward

Jedward

Jedward released a statement to The Emergency in the erarly hours of this morning with their version of events:

“Oh my God! brian Cowen ilke totally promised he’d get all those, like, politician guys in Fianna Fein, or Labour Gael, or, like whatever, to phone in and vite for us in like Week Four of the X Factor. We were like: ‘Oh my God! That’s like totally, like amaaaaaaazing!!!!!!!’, cos like that Ivor Callely guy is one of them, right? And he has like a million billion trillion phones just on his own!!!!!!!!!!!!!

However, Jedward did admit that this was just “some stuff we’re like saying?” and that there was no proof, it being just the word of a complete idiot against that of a pop duo.

Mary Byrne is a lovely woman altogether.

Cowen Heave Survival Inspires Movie

Thursday, January 13th, 2011

Veteran ‘zombie flick’ supremo Cesar Romero is in talks with the Fianna Fanglo party to film the definitive story of acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s political survival.

“Your last leader, whatsisname…the one who lives in a press…he was called ‘The Teflon Taoiseach’. His story I am not interested in” Mr Romero said, continuing “but this man, this Cowen – ‘The Suppurating Zombie Taoiseach’ he is perfect for me. I must bring his story to the silver screen”.

The movie is due for release in March. No July. No September. No, after a feasibility study. No after christmas. No in a year and a half……