In which we meet Olli’s charming little Piggy Friends from around the EU and they meet their inevitable doom.

This is a web and podcast only presentation.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency at Waveform Studios.

Olli Rehn's Piggs [ 2:45 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

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Anglo Irish Bank is to be renamed to make things nicer. The new entity will focus solely on recovering loans and will not have a funding arm. “That was always a load of bollox”, confirmed Anglo Chairman, Alan “Smokey” Dukes earlier today.

Mr. Dukes said that the name for the new bank was not yet confirmed but that “Fluffy” and “Pixie Gold Palace” were among the front-runners. Dukes himself will remain in charge but will no longer be known as chairman. Instead the former Fine Gael leader will most likely be known as “Fluffykins” or “Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk”.

Alan Dukes, aka Fluffykins, aka Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk

The Emergency has learned that this is just the first in a number of rebranding exercises connnected with the the IMIF/EU bailout. In secret meetings, out of which Joe Higgins was invited to walk but refused, EU Commisioner Olli Rehn is said to have insisted that Ireland’s budget deficit be renamed “The Jennifer”. It is not expected that this will reduce the deficit significantly, but is seen in the context of an EU-wide policy of making stuff sound prettier.

Dáil Éireann will also be rebranded and it is thought that initially it will switch its focus to opening supermarkets, then later focus on appearances at children’s parties before slowly being wound down altogether. It will be replaced by a live feed from Germany and an amusing bawdy bartender.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has denied that any of this is true which has led to widespread confidence that it is all completely true.

Morgan Jones has uploaded this video for the Carmody And Jones single “Not Doing Any Time”, available free here from this web site.

Olli Rehn: I'm On A Pig

The Emergency Breaking News has exclusive advance text of an address to the Irish People due to be made from a beach by EU Commissioner Olli Rehn later today:

“Hello, Bog Pigs. Look at your country. Now back to me. Now back at your country. Now back to me.

“Sadly your country isn’t me, but if it stopped using banky-scented hogwash and switched to Olli Spice, it could smell like it’s me.

“Look down. back up. Where are you? You’re on a boat floating in an endless ocean of shite with the man your country could smell like.

“What’s in your hand? Back at me. I have it, It’s an oyster with two one way tickets to that country you’d love to emigrate to. Look again. The tickets are now free cheese.

“Any f*cked up shit is possible when your country smells like Olli Spice and not a greasy FF septic tank mishap.

“I’m on a pig.”

The European Commission has “temporarily approved” further cash injections in struggling gentleman’s club Anglo Irish.

NEW LOOK AT ARNOTT’S: Anglo Irish Gentleman’s Club Grand Whackmaster Ronán O’Slippery – Bogpig arrives to man the tills at Arnott’s early this morning.

The Commission has said the further capital injection is necessary to ensure global confidence among world gentleman in the continued gentlemanly corpulence in the Anglo Irish club. However the Commission has wanred that this a temporary decision pending its full assessment of a restructuring plan for Anglo Irish Gentleman’s club.

The plan is believed to include a drastic cutback in access to the humidor, a ban on members playing “thrash the prole” in the Big Elk Room and a 50% reduction in golf accessories and Bollinger allowances. The latter will see members scraping by on a magnum a day during the week.

Along with Ulsterbank, Anglo has also assumed control of Dublin Department Store Arnott’s. Anglo Grand Whackmasters have poo-poohed criticism of their lack of experience in the retail sector, pointing out that for some time recently Anglo was capable of selling the idea that it was an actual bank with real money and everything and so can probably sell knockdown twinsets on the high street without too much bother.

French President Nicolas Sarkaztique revealed a radical plan to cope with the financial and banking crisis currently gripping the EU, it has emerged. In private sessions at the recent meeting of EU leaders he put forward the idea of aggregating the estimated €20 trillion of European bad bank debt and creating a special bank to carry it all.

The bank will be called “Ireland”.

In a further stroke of genius the French and German governments have also suggested that rather than merely operating as a “Bad Bank” this concept could be widened into an entirely new instrument, th “Bad Country”. As the “Bad Country” of Europe, Ireland could also take on EU unemployment, poverty, racial tension and all but the top 7 or 8 football clubs from each country.

“Ze capacity of Irlande to put up zis sheet is legendary,” said President Sarkaztique, speaking in a comedy French accent from his fur-lined pied-a-terre in Montmartre this morning. “All srew ‘er ‘istory she ‘as shown ‘erself to be ze most adpet of all European nations at being the sous-chien, ze ‘ow you say “underdog”? Also we see by ze way she ‘as blown ‘er sheet completement when sings went well in ze period of ze Celtique Tigeur. She just can’t ‘andle eet. But wallowing in ze merde, in zis she is wizout equal, she is magnifique.”

The bad debt, poor social conditions and crap football of Europe would be gradually discharged in this way over a twenty year period, following which Germany would fix the roads, restore and glaze the castles and use Ireland as it’s offical “Spaßaffe” (“Fun Monkey”).