IRELAND IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS....what that really means

Yanks send your bombers; Brits send your hens. Big corporation? Cruising for a bit of “double Irish”? European? Into treaty-play? We mean no until you make us mean yes. Bankers? Bailouts? We’re in! Fancy a troika? We’ll do everything except Greek…

The runners and riders line up for The 2011 Grand Bank Nationalisation, the Peter O’Sullivans are all in position round the course… and they’re off!!! “Over to you, Peter…!”

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2011 Grand Bank Nationalisation [ 3:40 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Taoiseach and the Minister for Finance seek to reassure the Irish people in the wake of the devastating results of the stress tests on the Irish banks.

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Post Stress Test Disorder [ 2:13 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

In which Enda Kenny, Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy get down to some serious negotiation. Someone gets hurt.
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Extreme Negotiation [ 2:23 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

In which Michael Noonan seeks to assist Enda Kenny’s negotiation technique by playing the role of a small French man.
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Roleplay On The Government Jet [ 2:35 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The European Commissioner for Taxation has launched proposals for a creative cunning company-creaming common consolidated corporate tax base (CCCCCCCTB). The idea is to reduce costs for foreign multi-nationals who would only have to fill in one tax return instead of up to 27 and to cut down on administrative overheads for individual EU states who would be “spared the bother of counting all those dollars”.

Ireland's Projected Corporate Tax Take Under The New Proposal

Commissioner Algirdas Givemetax explained that corporate tax would be gathered at EU level and then divided up amionst member states using a terribly clever formula taking into account such factors as:

• Representation of a corporation in each state
• Proportion of population in member states speaking German as a first language
• Proportion of popultaion in member states who know all the words La Marseillaise
• Whether or not member states were perceived to have “partied” in the 90s off the back of impoverished Franco-German behemoths
• Degree to which each member state can be described as “Ireland”

Taoiseach Enda Kenny said he would engage with the commission in discussion on the proposed CCCCCCCTB, but that he suspected this was a way of reducing Irish corporate tax rates by the back door.

“I am pledged to safeguard Ireland’s back door,” said Mr. Kenny as he was redirected to the correct gate for departure to Washington earlier today. “Enda Kenny’s not about to let Europe in this country’s tradesman’s entrance. That stable door has been bolted against the horses of eurocratic tyranny”.

The Taoiseach had tears in his eyes as he spoke. This later turned out to be due not to emotion or patriotism, but to an abrasion to the scalp received when being carried shoulder-high by four Mayomen through pre-flight immigration.

In which Michael Noonan coaches young Enda Kenny on the finer points of negotiation ahead of his showdown with our EU/IMF Overlords.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 10th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

Noonan's Negotiation Tips For Enda [ 2:52 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Emergency is broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries every weekday on The David Harvey Show (9-11am) and repeated on The Home Run with Brian McColl after 4pm.

Podcast

All audio content on The Emergency site, including pieces first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries, is available as a podcast:

Feed URL: http://www.theemergency.ie/feed/podcast/
iTunes (web): http://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620
Subscribe using iTunes app: itms://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620

In which we meet Olli’s charming little Piggy Friends from around the EU and they meet their inevitable doom.

This is a web and podcast only presentation.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency at Waveform Studios.

Olli Rehn's Piggs [ 2:45 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Emergency is broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries every weekday on The David Harvey Show (9-11am) and repeated on The Home Run with Brian McColl after 4pm.

Podcast

All audio content on The Emergency site, including pieces first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries, is available as a podcast:

Feed URL: http://www.theemergency.ie/feed/podcast/
iTunes (web): http://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620
Subscribe using iTunes app: itms://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620

Anglo Irish Bank is to be renamed to make things nicer. The new entity will focus solely on recovering loans and will not have a funding arm. “That was always a load of bollox”, confirmed Anglo Chairman, Alan “Smokey” Dukes earlier today.

Mr. Dukes said that the name for the new bank was not yet confirmed but that “Fluffy” and “Pixie Gold Palace” were among the front-runners. Dukes himself will remain in charge but will no longer be known as chairman. Instead the former Fine Gael leader will most likely be known as “Fluffykins” or “Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk”.

Alan Dukes, aka Fluffykins, aka Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk

The Emergency has learned that this is just the first in a number of rebranding exercises connnected with the the IMIF/EU bailout. In secret meetings, out of which Joe Higgins was invited to walk but refused, EU Commisioner Olli Rehn is said to have insisted that Ireland’s budget deficit be renamed “The Jennifer”. It is not expected that this will reduce the deficit significantly, but is seen in the context of an EU-wide policy of making stuff sound prettier.

Dáil Éireann will also be rebranded and it is thought that initially it will switch its focus to opening supermarkets, then later focus on appearances at children’s parties before slowly being wound down altogether. It will be replaced by a live feed from Germany and an amusing bawdy bartender.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has denied that any of this is true which has led to widespread confidence that it is all completely true.