School Newsletter.

Tuesday, November 19th, 2013

St Garret's Newsletter #1

MEANWHILE…in a more fitting Universe

Thursday, November 7th, 2013

Meanwhile....in a more fitting Universe

Fine Gael Welcomes Back Councillor After “Misunderstanding”

Wednesday, November 6th, 2013

Kildare County Councillor Darren Scully has been admitted back into Fine Gael 20 months after his expulsion for refusing to represent the interests of African members of his community.

Councillor Scully

Councillor Scully

“It was all a big misunderstanding”, explained Scully at a Masai Crafts Fair in Kildare this morning. “I have had a long conversation with Enda Kenny and we are both satisfied that we do not represent the interests of most people in the community, so there’s no need to be getting all het up about it”.

MORE CAREFUL ABOUT SHITE NOW

During the period of his exclusion from Fine Gael, Cllr. Scully is said to have met with several representatives of the African community and, having studied their cultural perspective and his own career prospects in tandem, now concedes that he cannot “get away” with his original “shite”.

“Make no mistake”, he vowed, “I will be sanitising my shite henceforth”.

Kenny: Patients Must Learn To Be Sick Within Budget

Wednesday, November 6th, 2013

Acting Taoiseach and de facto leader of Fine Gael and “Ireland”, Enda Kenny, has strongly defended health cuts in the recent budget.

SICK SHOULDERS

“Now is a time for all of us, sick and well, to put our shoulders to the wheel, unless affected by a shoulder-related ailment, in which case an elbow or arse would be acceptable. I can never remember which of those is which,” the Acting Taoiseach admitted at a press breakfast of larks’ tongues and Reddy Brek earlier today.

Enda Kenny Backing James Reilly

Enda Kenny Backing James Reilly

LOVEABLE

Fine Gael and its loveable coalition fall-guy, Labour, are soon to unveil a Universal Health Insurance scheme which would see up to 100% of
their friends and family securely located between “grand” and “mighty” on the new HSE “How’re Ye Doin’?” scale of wellfullness.

The Fianna Fail leader, Micheal Martin, who is uniquely qualified to heckle as he is himself a former Health Supremo, had accused the government of failing to place patients at the centre of its health policies. But Mr. Kenny strongly rebutted this claim in an impassioned speech read adroitley from notes on the inside of his underpants.

TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR ILLNESS

“This is the most patient-centred health policy ever,” he explained to bemused onlookers. “In fact all power, by which I mean responsibility , will henceforth rest with the patient, who will simply have to tailor their affliction to the needs of my government. For too long we have spoon-fed the ill with medication and care, when all they really need is to take ownership of their illness and, following consultation with the relevant stakeholders, get well, or get lost”.

DIE

The Taoiseach explained that the government has no intention of cutting services, merely of cutting the cost of those services by not having them. In that case the onus would again fall onto the patient to spread out their illness over a 25 year period, or, where appropriate, die.

Hospital chiefs have universally declared it will be impossible to run their hospitals with the cuts being made. However, Mr. Kenny explained that this problem could be circumvented simply by hospital chiefs saying something different.

KEANE

Roy Keane is on standby.

Ireland’s King Kenny The Turd Found Buried Under Frankfurt Carpark

Monday, February 4th, 2013
King Kenny The Turd Of Hibernia

King Kenny The Turd Of Hibernia

Tests on the mangled remains of what was once a man have proven “beyond reasonable doubt” that they are those of the much-maligned Irish king. The remains were unearthed during the excavation of a new bottomless pit to house the taxes of Irish citizens behind the bins in the car park of the European Central Bank.

FORELOCK

The body is in exactly the place where King Kenny’s heart was last reported as beating. There is a wound to the skull consistent with what might be expected from frequent accidental contact with German tarmac due to excessively enthusiastic bowing and scraping. A forelock believed to belong to the remains was found some distance off, having been tugged clean off in what would appear to be a type of ancient Germano-Celtic “negotiation process”.

SPINE BOFFINS

There is some controversy over the discovery that the skeleton in question has an unusually curved spine. Scientists claim this adds to the evidence that it is indeed King Kenny of Ireland, as eyewitness reports from the time suggest him to have been capable of inhuman contortion in an attempt to bridge the gap between his stated intent and his demonstrable subservience. However, other boffins insist that there is little or no evidence to suggest that King Kenny had any backbone whatsoever.

Occupy Dáil Éireann Camp Untouched

Thursday, March 8th, 2012

20120308-173029.jpg
One of the aristocrusties at the Occupy Dáil Éireann camp with two of his curs

Everyone completely failed last night to dismantle the Occupy Dáil Éireann camp which has been in situ at Leinster House since November 2010.

This morning a local resident told reporters that he had hoped the aristocrusties manning the camp were moving on last March but it turned out they were just putting new dogs on the end of their twine.

In other news, knee jerk Fine Gael responses to comment threads regarding Occupy Dame Street are up 134%. Continuity Fianna Fail Minister Leo Vaginar has claimed this evening that this development represents a massive surge in computer literacy at at six official care homes for members of Young Fine Gael.

Franco-German Performance Artist’s Special Delivery

Friday, February 10th, 2012

A leading Franco-German performance artiste has delivered a sculptural representation of Ireland’s financial liabilities for the next year near government buildings in Dublin.

The artist Merkozy, known variously as “l’agresseur peu” and “Die Zukunft Dieb” has spent weeks carefully crafting the piece. Described as “…a physical manifestation of your country’s indebtedness to your bettors [sic?]” the sculpture is called Non Comestibles Bon Bon (The Inedible Sweetie)

A press release from the artist which accompanies the installation states: “Zut! Votre peasantry will never starve eating this delectable granite sweet meat, mais non?” a second entry with hand drawn eagles and lightning strikes suggests “Ya! Let the leftists try to eat it first. Then your elderly and so on in that manner until ENJOYMENT they will learn to take from their struggle nein?”

The sculpture will be guarded by Mr Merkozy’s pet Taoiseach Fido Kenny assisted by Finance Sinister and well known investor Michael Noonan.


Le Non Comestible Bon Bon being delivered earlier today

“Tonight Matthew, I’ll Be…Virtually Indistinguishable From Bertie”

Tuesday, July 12th, 2011

So slithery, Micheal Martin is jealous.

Kenny And Sarkozy – A Meeting Of Minds

Friday, June 24th, 2011
Ireland is saved!.....for dessert

Ireland is saved!.....for dessert

Recession Over As Fast, Agile Dolphin Gives Nation A Lift

Tuesday, June 21st, 2011

A particularly fast and agile dolphin has raised the beleaguered spirits of the nation. The bottle-nosed male dolphin, has been affectionately dubbed “De Dolphin” by locals in West Cork.

Wee Hop

“De Dolphin” has been spotted by fishermen and people in local pleasure craft swimming “pretty quickly” and even on occasions “giving a little hop up out of de water, like” off the coast of Cork near Kinsale.

Tides

Legendary dolphin “Fungi”, speaking through a translator and 25 foot of water off dingle, has tipped “De Dolphin” to kick on from here and break many of the Kerry veteran’s own records. “for such a young dolphin he really is good at swimming fast. I predict he’ll get faster and faster and may ultimately affect tides and currents worldwide”, he claimed.

De Dolphin

Can Swim: De Dolphin

Taoiseach: Snot

Taoiseach Enda Kenny rushed inappropriately to congratulate “De Dolphin”. “When I look at ‘De dolphin'”, he sobbed, “I see not just a talented cetecean but the very embodiment of the Irish people’s beauty of spirit and their determination to overcome every obstacle I and my government place in their path. When ‘De Dolphin’ gives his little hops up out of the water, Ireland rejoices and I cry like a girl until my face dissolves into a raw red snotfest”.

irish?

De Dolphin is originally from Spain, has lived most of his life near Iceland and carries a British passport.