So slithery, Micheal Martin is jealous.

A particularly fast and agile dolphin has raised the beleaguered spirits of the nation. The bottle-nosed male dolphin, has been affectionately dubbed “De Dolphin” by locals in West Cork.

Wee Hop

“De Dolphin” has been spotted by fishermen and people in local pleasure craft swimming “pretty quickly” and even on occasions “giving a little hop up out of de water, like” off the coast of Cork near Kinsale.

Tides

Legendary dolphin “Fungi”, speaking through a translator and 25 foot of water off dingle, has tipped “De Dolphin” to kick on from here and break many of the Kerry veteran’s own records. “for such a young dolphin he really is good at swimming fast. I predict he’ll get faster and faster and may ultimately affect tides and currents worldwide”, he claimed.

Can Swim: De Dolphin

Taoiseach: Snot

Taoiseach Enda Kenny rushed inappropriately to congratulate “De Dolphin”. “When I look at ‘De dolphin’”, he sobbed, “I see not just a talented cetecean but the very embodiment of the Irish people’s beauty of spirit and their determination to overcome every obstacle I and my government place in their path. When ‘De Dolphin’ gives his little hops up out of the water, Ireland rejoices and I cry like a girl until my face dissolves into a raw red snotfest”.

irish?

De Dolphin is originally from Spain, has lived most of his life near Iceland and carries a British passport.

Eamon al-Zawahri, new Al Qaeda Leader
Veteran militant Eamon al-Zawahri has taken command of al Qaeda after the killing of Osama bin Laden. He is the first Irishman to head up the organisation.

His whereabouts are unknown, although he has long been thought to be either hiding in his toolshed on his small holding in Laois; or along the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan. The United States is offering a $25 million reward for any information leading to his capture or conviction.

An emotional Edna Kenny today took a break from watching his Riverdance The Special Edition DVD to appeal to al Zawahri to hand himself in for the reward. “It would be a very positive contribution to the economy” he said

IRELAND IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS....what that really means

Yanks send your bombers; Brits send your hens. Big corporation? Cruising for a bit of “double Irish”? European? Into treaty-play? We mean no until you make us mean yes. Bankers? Bailouts? We’re in! Fancy a troika? We’ll do everything except Greek…

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II pictured with Mary Byrne shortly after being accidentally seated directly in front of the Xfactor finalist as she shouted along vaguely in tune beside an orchestra

There were several red faces, and one very important stretched one, at the National Convention Centre last night when Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was accidentally seated directly in front of Xfactor finalist Mary Byrne when she performed.

Byrne, who’s act largely consists of standing near an orchestra and shouting along vaguely in tune, apologized to the Monarch after the show.

“She’s a great lady” Byrne later told reporters covering the symbolic historicalness of the event. “I said ‘sorry your Royal Highness for stretching your head like that but yis should have been warned like’, and she thanked me for rendering her incapable of hearing Westlife perform”.

Taoiseach Edna Kenny rushed to play down the incident saying “Not one event on this week’s symbolically historic and significantly significant state visit by Her Majesty can detract in any way from the significantly significant symbolic historicality of the visit” adding “Anyway, we’re all friends now. Don’t mention the war. I may have mentioned it once or twice but I think I got away with it”.

The Duke of Edinburgh Philip Bigotopolus also played down the event, telling reporters “It’s happened before, though not this bad. Stood too close to a Harrier Jump Jet we’d offloaded on the wallahs in Papua New Guinea a few years back. The old gel will be tickety-boo after the footman irons her”.

Endama Bin Kenny pictured yesterday issuing threats against Ireland

Leader of the Continuity Coalition Endama Bin Kenny has issued a new video recording from his bunker believed to be either in Pakistan or somewhere in Kildare Street. In the threat the Al Fingaela leader reaffirms his commitment to Europe and proclaims a fatwa against UCD economist and unerringly accurate cassandra Morgan Kelly. This follows the latter’s pro default treatise printed in yesterday’s Daily Gael

“His children, and their children, and even their children after that will pay the ECB, may it be praised, for his insolence” the wild eyed Mayo Mullah declared, continuing; “It is a holy thing we do – even he who merely shoots himself in the foot in the time honoured way of Al Fingaela will be rewarded”.

The Continuity Coalition has pledged to carry on the policies of the previous “government” as proof of their fealty to Brussells and because it is “their turn”.

STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* Ayatollah Yer Fuckinmonee the head of NAMA has this afternoon formally announced moves to take over the Bin Laden compound in Abbotobad “In the national interest”

Artist’s impression of how the new FG/Lab recovery plan will work

THE IRISH diaspora will be asked to participate in a novel job creation initiative that will involve sending “passage money” home from their domestic service jobs across in the fancy parts of New York and Boston, Taoiseach Edna Kenny has revealed.
Mrs Kenny, who is in New York today for a series of meetings on Wall Street designed to attract investment, believes the 80 million-strong Irish diaspora can also be harnessed to build several new cathedrals in the country.
The scheme, which will be announced as part of next week’s jobs initiative, will involve a finder’s fee of a novena for every slob that emigrates, and stays feckin emigrated, from the project.
“If jobs are created outside Ireland, and are still in existence two years on, the finder or initiator will be thrown a novena arranged by the Government.
“It is a different version of ask not what your country can do for you. You pin-point this for the country and the country is going to respond,” said Mrs Kenny in an interview with The Daily Gael.

This eight week run of The Emergency on 4fm concludes with Enda Kenny, Michael Noonan, Joan Burton & Eamon Gilmore suffering another dreadful day in the office and reminiscing about that lovely day just a few short weeks ago when they went to visit “that nice lady who lives near the zoo…”

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Perfect Day [ 4:13 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Taoiseach and the Minister for Finance seek to reassure the Irish people in the wake of the devastating results of the stress tests on the Irish banks.

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