Labour Performance In Donegal South West Byelection “Solid” Says Gilmore

Friday, November 26th, 2010

Labour Leader Eamon Gilmore, a staunch opponent of That Sort Of Thing, has commended the Labour candidate in the Donegal South West for “a fantastic performance which is much better than coming fifth”.

Tallies suggest that Sinn Féin Senator Pearse Doherty will win comfortably, with Fine Gael in second place and Fianna Fail in third. Labour’s Frank McBrearty narrowly defeated two independent candidates. “Only one of those independents withdrew from the competition so I think Frank has done a brilliant job”, Mr. Gilmore enthused, “and we are confident that he is well-placed to build on this performance in the forthcoming general election. In fact we expect him to be more places from the bottom of the list of candidates, particularly if more candidates run and none of them drops out in the general election”.

Possible Labour Candidates in General Election in Donegal South West

Labour Contenders: (L to R) A Rock, A Promising Dead Badger, Frank McBrearty

However it is emerging that McBrearty may not even be the Labour candidate in the general election in Donegal South West. A number of other contenders have expressed an interest in running for Labour including a rock and a promising dead badger.

Mr. Gilmore insisted this was a good sign of things to come for Labour:

“This is indicative of the strength in depth of Labour and is the type of thing that will sweep us to power in the forthcoming general election, when we will campaign on the basis of our policies which are certainly not those bad policies we hear so much about”.

Mr. McBrearty is said to be “gutted”, but the Labour Party refused to confirm that any specific physical remedy had been administered and would only say McBrearty had “gone to his room and was listening to Joy Division”

Bond Surge? What Bond Surge?

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

Tough decisions, going forward – stay the course; the plan is working and has the backing of the markets (form an orderly queue to the mailboat…)

Conor Lenihan: Government Will Have To Be Careful Because Of The Numbery Thing

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010

Government Science Supremo Conor Lenihan has admitted that the resignation of Jim McDaid “makes the sums hard” for the government.

The minister seemed confused at first when called for a response to the McDaid resignation early this morning. But he soon recovered when a government spokesminion reversed the orientation of the phone. “Obviously when you take away one from a number the number you have left will be less, but that doesn’t mean anything. Not to me at any rate”, he said, outlining the situation with characteristic incisiveness, and continuing: “The government will have to be careful of course, there’s no doubt about that. Flip, no! Latest research shows that if you keep subtracting the smaller numbery things from the bigger numbery things then the bigger numbery things get smaller and smaller like a little mouse shrinking and in the end you might have one of those no numbery things. And I don’t think we like those”.

Conor Lenihan With His Abacus

Conor Lenihan With His Abacus

McDaid’s resignation brings to four the total number of Dáil seats now vacant. but Mr. Lenihan seemend unconcerned. “Even without using my thumbs I myself can cope with twice that,” he explained scientifically. The minister also sought to paint a positive picture from the government’s point of view, saying that by not holding bye-elections and by simply waiting for people to keel over, Fianna Fáil were bringing forward reform of the numbers in Dáil in a “real world” way.

Newsflash: McDaid Resigns

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010

Jim McDaid TD is reported to have resigned his seat in the Dáil. Motorists travelling into Dublin are advised to proceed with caution, as he will probably be leaving soon.

More details later.

Withdrawal Of Dáil Pairing Forces Tánaiste To Cancel Hair Appointment

Monday, September 27th, 2010

End of cosy arrangement on pairing in sight

Tánaiste and Minister for Edukayshun and Sckills Mary Coughlan is reported to be “only fucken spittin so she is” after having to cancel a trip to the USA scheduled for this week following the removal of vote pairing by Fine Gael ahead of the resumption of Dáil business – deputies return to Leinster House this Wednesday as the summer recess ends. At the end of September. Summer. Recess.

Fine Gael has moved to remove pairing arrangements after looking up the Internet and discovering that they are an opposition party.

Ms Coughlan’s ire centres on her having to miss “one of the last of them free Yankee Fás hair dos oul Harney used to get”.

In other news, hope is fading for the Green party which hasn’t been seen for days.

Enda Kenny Warns Of Need For “1000 Year Gaelsreich”

Monday, September 13th, 2010

The absolutely undisputed leader of Fine Gael, a loose affiliation of people not in Fianna Fail, has said that the party is on a war footing and has warned Ireland that he will require a 1000 Year Reign to sort out the economy.

Mr. Kenny, on sabbatical from his job as a teacher, has said that Fine Gael has the policies to turn the country around. “We are fitting a large rudder to Malin Head and will begin work on a tiller in the first century of our term in government”, he screeched to a news briefing held in a disused country yesterday.

Kenny said that Fine Gael will not raise taxes. “What need will there be for taxes in the context of a millennium of de facto serfdom to our friends in the IMF”, he was heard to mutter in an aside to the Fine Gael Cat, Cosgrave, which sat on his lap purring unblinkingly throughout the briefing.

Fine Gael Leader Enda Kenny with the FG Cat, Cosgrave
Fine Gael’s Most Leader-like Member, Enda Kenny With The FG Cat, Cosgrave (Soon To Be Confirmed As A Candidate For Fine Gael in the next general election).

Mr Kenny greatly impressed all present by promising to introduce water charges, probably around year 650 of the 1000 Year Gaelsreich, by which time he anticipated there would be water meters in place. “People have been drinking water irresponsibly for too long. We all got carried away during the era of the Celtic Tiger when it seemed that having water was tantamount to a human right. Well, those days are over, baby”, foamed Mr Kenny from the mouth.

The Fine Gael Überpübah, said his party would propose €3 billion in cuts ahead of the forthcoming budget. These, he claimed would be made without raising taxes. He declined to give details of where the cuts would be made, but did mutter darkly that they had “had it very good for a long time in places like Limerick and Castlepollard” and that “not every population centre will be strong, beautiful or fit enough to survive the 1000 Year Ascent To Greatness”.

Enda Kenny & Fine Gael’s Celebrity Tallyman Interviewed

Friday, July 31st, 2009

Another Endacentric cut, this time from from The Emergency Series 1 Episode 13 (The June 2009 Local & European Election Special).

Enda Kenny With Count

The scene is the counting centre the day after the elections and Enda and his tallyman, Count von Count assess the scale of Fine Gael’s gains. There’s an unwelcome interruption by Gerry Adams who appears to have left his “mon bog” in Enda’s office.

Cast: Nick McGivney (TV Interviewer), Morgan C Jones (Enda Kenny, Gerry Adams), Dermot Carmody (The Count)

 

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Pause For Garret FitzGerald (And Enda)

Thursday, July 30th, 2009

Continuing our Enda Kenny mini-season, this sketch also features Garret FitzGerald sitting in his house propounding his political anagram theory. It’s from episode 10 of Series one, broadcast just before the June local & European Elections. Fine Gael and Enda are historically high in the opinion polls and Enda calls to his predecessor to bask and wallow in the magnificence.

Cast: Joe Taylor (Garret) Morgan C Jones (Enda) Karen Ardiff (Radio Announcer)

 

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Party Political Broadcat On Behalf Of The Green Part

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

Here’s the second in this week’s Green Party Mini-Series in the Media Clips Section.

Running for the Green Party for election as an MEP in the Dublin constituency, Deirdre de Burca launched a campaign poster on Monday March 23rd 2009 promising that “Thouands” of tech jobs would be created in the Dublin area.
Read more »

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