Ireland’s King Kenny The Turd Found Buried Under Frankfurt Carpark

Monday, February 4th, 2013
King Kenny The Turd Of Hibernia

King Kenny The Turd Of Hibernia

Tests on the mangled remains of what was once a man have proven “beyond reasonable doubt” that they are those of the much-maligned Irish king. The remains were unearthed during the excavation of a new bottomless pit to house the taxes of Irish citizens behind the bins in the car park of the European Central Bank.

FORELOCK

The body is in exactly the place where King Kenny’s heart was last reported as beating. There is a wound to the skull consistent with what might be expected from frequent accidental contact with German tarmac due to excessively enthusiastic bowing and scraping. A forelock believed to belong to the remains was found some distance off, having been tugged clean off in what would appear to be a type of ancient Germano-Celtic “negotiation process”.

SPINE BOFFINS

There is some controversy over the discovery that the skeleton in question has an unusually curved spine. Scientists claim this adds to the evidence that it is indeed King Kenny of Ireland, as eyewitness reports from the time suggest him to have been capable of inhuman contortion in an attempt to bridge the gap between his stated intent and his demonstrable subservience. However, other boffins insist that there is little or no evidence to suggest that King Kenny had any backbone whatsoever.

Ireland “Ireland” – Noonan

Tuesday, March 13th, 2012

20120313-181023.jpg
Minister for Honours Maths Michael Noonan reading the 2008 Leaving Cert Maths (Ordinary) paper set by his predecessor Mr Cromwell

Parents of Junior Certificate geography students today thanked Michael Noonan for clearing up any lingering confusion that Ireland may be the much larger mediterranean country Spain. Mr Noonan’s statement comes hot on the heels of recent assertions made by the Tainiste and Minister for Geography (Common Level) Eamon Gilmore to the effect that Ireland is neither Portugal nor Greece.

Asked why the Minister for Honours Maths was providing study notes for a class other than his own Mister Noonan explained that the Tainiste was on an in service training day along with some other staff members.

There will be no P.E. for the next two weeks as Mister Vaginar the Minister for P.E. and The Bus has a pulled junket which has to be treated in England. A full list of all classes to be affected by the St Patrick’s Day holiday will be sent home in satchels this week.

Franco-German Performance Artist’s Special Delivery

Friday, February 10th, 2012

A leading Franco-German performance artiste has delivered a sculptural representation of Ireland’s financial liabilities for the next year near government buildings in Dublin.

The artist Merkozy, known variously as “l’agresseur peu” and “Die Zukunft Dieb” has spent weeks carefully crafting the piece. Described as “…a physical manifestation of your country’s indebtedness to your bettors [sic?]” the sculpture is called Non Comestibles Bon Bon (The Inedible Sweetie)

A press release from the artist which accompanies the installation states: “Zut! Votre peasantry will never starve eating this delectable granite sweet meat, mais non?” a second entry with hand drawn eagles and lightning strikes suggests “Ya! Let the leftists try to eat it first. Then your elderly and so on in that manner until ENJOYMENT they will learn to take from their struggle nein?”

The sculpture will be guarded by Mr Merkozy’s pet Taoiseach Fido Kenny assisted by Finance Sinister and well known investor Michael Noonan.


Le Non Comestible Bon Bon being delivered earlier today

Lagarde To Noonan “Quelle partie de “tu es ma chienne maintenant” pouvez-vous pas comprendre?”

Monday, June 20th, 2011

Minister for Insolvency Michael Noonan watches as French finance minister Christine Lagarde shows him the actual violin that President Sarkozy plays whenever anyone talks to him about the Irish Government’s attempts to secure a cut in the interest rate on Ireland’s bailout

Hey There Handsome! Ireland Is Open For Business

Tuesday, May 24th, 2011
IRELAND IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS

IRELAND IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS....what that really means

Yanks send your bombers; Brits send your hens. Big corporation? Cruising for a bit of “double Irish”? European? Into treaty-play? We mean no until you make us mean yes. Bankers? Bailouts? We’re in! Fancy a troika? We’ll do everything except Greek…

Kenny Promotes ECB Bailout – Proclaims Fatwa On Morgan Kelly

Sunday, May 8th, 2011

Endama Bin Kenny pictured yesterday issuing threats against Ireland

Leader of the Continuity Coalition Endama Bin Kenny has issued a new video recording from his bunker believed to be either in Pakistan or somewhere in Kildare Street. In the threat the Al Fingaela leader reaffirms his commitment to Europe and proclaims a fatwa against UCD economist and unerringly accurate cassandra Morgan Kelly. This follows the latter’s pro default treatise printed in yesterday’s Daily Gael

“His children, and their children, and even their children after that will pay the ECB, may it be praised, for his insolence” the wild eyed Mayo Mullah declared, continuing; “It is a holy thing we do – even he who merely shoots himself in the foot in the time honoured way of Al Fingaela will be rewarded”.

The Continuity Coalition has pledged to carry on the policies of the previous “government” as proof of their fealty to Brussells and because it is “their turn”.

STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* STOP PRESS* Ayatollah Yer Fuckinmonee the head of NAMA has this afternoon formally announced moves to take over the Bin Laden compound in Abbotobad “In the national interest”

Meanwhile, All Over Ireland Its ‘Opposite Week’

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011

DATELINE IRELAND…
Once the preserve of small children allowed to dress up as their parents and rename animals and everyday objects, Opposite Day has become (in Ireland at least) an extended festival covering several days. Or months. Or even lifetimes.

NAMA TO SAVE ECONOMY
Thus on Opposite Day, NAMA has pledged to enter the market as a lender. To paraphrase Polonius in Hamlet “Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Be both. Who cares when you’re billions in the hole eh? Wisha throw another couple of thousand kids’ futures on the bonfire Paudeen, Mr Trichet will be after catching his death”

SATIRE IS DEAD
Fianna Fail leader Micheal Martin pledged yesterday to ban corporate donations to political parties. Stop it Micheal! My sides! You’re killing me!

FINE GAEL/LABOUR COALITION IN FLIP FLOP SHOCK
“We have a Five Point Plan” Stop it Enda! Please!
“It’s Labour’s way, or Frankfurt’s way” Oh Jesus Eamon! It hurts! It hurts!
“It was never a Jobs Budget it was always intended to be a Jobs Initiative” Oh lads! You’ve gone and done it now! It’s running down my leg…You’re worse than Micheal…no. Really. You are

WAS IT FOR THIS TONY THE TIGER DIED?

Kellogg’s have announced that they are to replace Coco the Monkey, a hyperactive sugar and chocolate addicted cartoon primate as mascot for their Coco Pops brand. The popular cartoon animal is being given the heave-ho in favour of Jedward, who are between them a hyperactive sugar and chocolate addicted cartoon primate. It is thought to be the first time in history that an animated character has lost out on a gig to a rival with a lower IQ. It is also the first time that Kellogg’s have opted to voluntarily print a photographic warning on a box of their cereal which shows what can happen if you consume it.

Olli Rehn’s Piggs

Friday, February 25th, 2011

In which we meet Olli’s charming little Piggy Friends from around the EU and they meet their inevitable doom.

This is a web and podcast only presentation.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency at Waveform Studios.

 

 

Play

Live Coverage Of Budget 2011

Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

Footage of Minister Brian Lenihan’s budget speech from The Emergency’s EXCLUSIVE live feed from Dáil Eireann

Stay with The Emergency’s Breaking News for headline analysis of the most historic mass boning in the history of the state.

There Is No March – Cowen

Saturday, November 27th, 2010
Protest

'Reports that any march against the budget is taking place are ludicrous' Acting Taoiseach

The Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen and Brian Lenihan the Minister for Hissing Incorrect Sums of Money Into Microphones have today denied that any public demonstrations against the ‘government’ are taking place.

The two safest pairs of hands in the known world angrily dismissed dissent against the forthcoming budget and four year plan as ludicrous.

Mr Cowen also denied sub zero temperatures were sweeping the Republic; “I’m in my pants here. it’s roastin'” he said, though a spokesmansergh later admitted that the heating was on high enough to make the governor of Bermuda uncomfortable. “We can do nothing about it. it’s linked to top grade civil service grades” the spokesmansergh keened.

From our reporter on the ground Ever E. Fuggenbody