Small Woodland Creatures Pull Out Of Burning Forest

Monday, January 24th, 2011

At a press conference held in a smouldering tree stump yesterday The Small Woodland Creatures Party announced that it was pulling out of the blazing forest. The Small Woodland Creature party has been part of the Bonfire Of Doom government since they historically agreed with the Shitting Bear Party to enter into a coalition and to provide kindling and a match to get the fire going following the last general election.

Eamon Weasel and John Pine Marten

Eamon Weasel and Small Woodland Creature Leader John Pine Marten

Small Furry Animal With Responsibility for Glowing Embers, Eamon Weasel, urged other larger animals and birdies to work together to ensure that the undergrowth in the forest was completely incinerated before handing over the forest to somebody who wants to grow things there.

Leader of the Small Woodland Creatures, John Pine Marten said “Our patience has run out and our fur is burny and hurty. Enough is enough, it is time this inferno ends. We want to go to the country immediately. There is no reason for us not to, bus fares are reasonable and you can get great deals in fire-damaged hotels in Connemara”.

Mansergh Accidentally Reveals Greens Not Human

Thursday, December 2nd, 2010

In a shock slip of the tongue, uncharacteristic of the normally phlegmatic Fianna Fail eminence grise, Martin Mansergh last night reveled that the Green Party are not a normal human party. They are in fact seemingly the result of an accident involving an interstellar spore-transporter.

Martin Mansergh

Martin Mansergh

The astounding truth emerged on TV3’s prototype television programme “Tonight With Vincent Browne” when the show’s eponymous host questioned Mr. Masergh about his feelings on the Green Party leader John Gormley’s teary revelations of sleeplessness and Victorian insanity in a recent Dail speech.

Mansergh criticised those who beat up on the junior coalition party, at first branding this as “racist” bullying. However it has emerged that other p[anellists and technicians in the makeshift studio-style container from which the programme is broadcast clearly heard Mansergh amend this under his breath, saying “actually that’s unfair, it’s more speciesist, what with the Green Party being the result of an accident involving an interstellar spore transporter”.

Sources close to a still-smoking impact crater at a mystery location in South County Dublin, reachable only by bike or on the 46a bus, have confirmed that what is now known as the Green Party fell to Earth shortly before the last General Election.

“You could describe the thing that fell from the sky as a podule, I suppose,” said the source who cannot be named in order to protect the unverifiability of this report, “although in all honesty it looked more like the wicker basket off the front of a pushbike than anything else”.

Eyewitnesses saw “several small evil looking squishy things” crawl out of the impact crater. Parasitical in nature, they quickly sought human hosts and happened upon a Green Party outing which was in the area at the time and which included all members of the current Green Party parliamentary party.

The group had been playing a normal game of “grass and moth varieties” when they were set upon by the alien entities. It is understood that the Green merrymakers had dropped their guard as the aliens resembled a seaweed gel and quinoa porridge often left around the office by Deirdre de Burca at the time. The entities crawled into their brains and left them unharmed except for a chemical which in the alien beings acts a mild narcotic, but which in the human system gives rise to a vast surge in self-righteous arrogance.

The aliens feed on power and like a laugh, a deadly combination which led to the host eejits gaining and then fecking about with political power in the subsequent election and resulting coalition government.

Squishy Alien

A Squishy Alien Parasite Hosted By Eamon Ryan

When questioned about the revelation, Green Party TD and Minister For Energy, Eamon Ryan ridiculed the allegations and wrote a full denial of the whole matter on a stone wall with a strange hot beam emanating from his eerily glowing eyes. He then expanded to ten times his normal size and ate the journalist from The Emergency Breaking News through an aperture in his knee.

Green Party Cannot Be Destroyed As It Is An Idea, Claim Gormley, Ryan

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

In a shock announcement the leader of the Green Party has backed Eamon Ryan’s assertion that the Green Party can never be destroyed because it is not in fact a party, but rather “an idea”.

The rogue idea has helped clarify the situation in the country in the last day by announcing there will be an election as soon as there is a four year plan for recovery in place, a budget has been passed unopposed and “shit like that”. The Green Idea leader said the election would be in January and further clarified this later by saying that he never said it would be in January, just “sometime soon”.

The Green Idea will be immune to electoral concerns as it is just notional and it expects to play a leading imaginary role in the future hypothetical development of a psychological mind-map of a metaphor for Ireland.

Eamon Ryan And A Special Bike

Green Idea Minister Eamon Ryan Shows Off The Small Glowing Bikes On Which The Greens Will Ride To Otherness Following the General Election

Gormley, Ryan and other prominent Greens will stand for re-election but are expected to transubstantiate on magic bicycles (a vehicle with even lower emissions than a standard push-bike due to minute adjustments to the ephemera and saddle nut) immediately following the results of that election.

Paul Gogarty TD will remain behind on earth holding the baby.

New Green Plan – Lets ALL Join Fianna Fail

Monday, October 11th, 2010

Eamon Ryan, Grown-Up

Green Minister for Talking Out Loud In A Muppetty Way Eamon Ryan last night used an appearance on RTE’s The Week In Politics to outline his many beliefs and placatory hand gestures which he and his party hope will put an end to the country’s financial hardships.

Audible at times only to dogs and Martin Mansergh, Mr Ryan repeatedly told viewers how the only way out is donning the GreeFF jersey and believing every shifting statement made by our increasingly bug eyed trainee finance minister.

“It’s really not that bad” Mr Whine ryaned – “They make a little incision and remove your appendix, ethics and principles”. He hopes to see talks about the establishment of a framework for talks without prejudice set up in a timeframe allowing him and his party colleagues begin to cash in on the Dáil Eireann pensions gravy train.

Gardai meanwhile are still searching for the whereabouts of acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen who hasn’t made a definitive public statement since he was caught drinking at work one morning a couple of weeks ago.

100% Of Cabinet Struggle With Basic Maths

Monday, September 6th, 2010

A report from the National Adult Literacy Agency has revealed that 100% of the Fianna Fail / Green Party cabinet struggle with basic maths. That’s almost all of them.

Brian Cowan
Taoiseach Brian Cowan Calculates Number Of Electorate Who Support Him

Glaring inadequacies in the ability to count were revealed when members of the cabinet were questioned. The Minster for Finance, Brian Lenihan incorrectly identified €25 billion as being €2 billion. Recently The Minister For Communications, Eamon Ryan failed to identify a number plus 5% as being bigger than the original number.

There were exceptions however with Taoiseach Brian Cowen adroitly demonstrating basic addition and subtraction abilities by refusing to hold any bye elections.

Minister For Communications Rejects Claims That Price Increase Will Result In Higher Price

Thursday, September 2nd, 2010

The Minister for Obfuscation, Lethargy & Unnatural Reflexes Eamon Ryan has rejected claims that a 5% rise in electricity prices will result in prices for electricity which are 5% higher.

Small business representatives have claimed that the price rise will result in higher prices which will adversely affect the amount of money they have to pay for electricity.

Eamon Ryan With A Small Glowing Bike
Eamon Ryan Demonstrates A Revolutionary New Glowing Bike At A Condescension Breakfast This Morning

However Minister Ryan pointed out that prices for electricity have fallen 30% recently leading to greater competitiveness of Irish firms. “Obviously that has to be nipped in the bud,” he explained at an early morning Condescension Breakfast attended by jaded press goons and bicycling fans. “The more competitive Irish businesses become, the more people they employ and the greater the strain on our limited resources. The extra job fallout from the extra competitiveness will result in higher carbon emissions and the inevitable extinction of most primates”.

Demonstrating a revolutionary new bike: “The Small Glowing Bicycle”, which is small but glows, the minister delighted and amused the younger members of his audience, whilst at the same time explaining that he had now denied the correlation between price rises and higher prices and that was that.

Eamon Ryan: “Green”

Friday, July 24th, 2009

Concluding our Green Party mini-series of clips is Eamon Ryan (pictured below in pre-Faustian times).

When we first broadcast this sketch the Green Party on Twitter accused us of believing Pat Rabittes “lies” about Green TDs on bikes being followed in cars by government drivers. This is nonsense of course. We don’t rely on Pat Rabitte for lies. We are self-sufficient in that regard.

Also, it’s not a lie.

Cast: Morgan C Jones: Various Dermot Carmody: Eamon Ryan

 

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