RTE wundermilf Miriam O’Callaghan pictured in the Primetime studio with the three party leaders ahead of last night’s final televised 3 way debate

The three main party leaders last night clashed on banks, the economy and the health service in the final leaders’ debate which was hosted by RTE wundermilf Miriam O’Callaghan.

Fianna Fáil leader Larry accused Fine Gael’s Moe and Labour leader Curly of seeking to conceal the pain their policies would cause.

However, Moe and Curly turned their fire on Larry saying “Woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo” and “C’mere you! Why I oughtta..”.

The debate was predictably dominated by banking and the economy.
Both opposition stooges said the Government had done a bad deal with the EU and the IMF and botched the bank guarantee.

Larry insisted his Government’s actions had been endorsed by both Abbot and Costello as well as most of the speaking members of the Marx Brothers.

The differences between Fine Gael and Labour on cutting public sector numbers and reforming the health services were evident but the slapstick was cordial.

The Little Tramp or “voters” as they are more commonly known will have their chance to vote for a Laurel & Hardy government on Friday. This follows consistent warnings of late by Curly of the dangers of a Laurel minority government.

In which Eamon Gilmore calls to Enda’s house for tea and negotiation.

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on Feb 22nd 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

Enda And Eamon Do A Deal [ 2:18 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Emergency is broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries every weekday on The David Harvey Show (9-11am) and repeated on The Home Run with Brian McColl after 4pm.

Podcast

All audio content on The Emergency site, including pieces first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries, is available as a podcast:

Feed URL: http://www.theemergency.ie/feed/podcast/
iTunes (web): http://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620
Subscribe using iTunes app: itms://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620

Labour Leader Eamon Gilmore, who is trying to become a Taoiseach, has said Fine Gael can stick there transfer pattern up level three their amusing online game.

Gilmore explained: “Fine Gael have called us a ‘High Tax Party’ for two weeks and we aren’t a High Tax Party. We are a Fair Tax Party. A fair Amount Of Tx is completely different to A High Amount Of Tax”.

Gilmore: Confusion

There has been some confusion over Labour’s position on water taxes, but Gilore says this is “only because we keep changing our mind about it”. The Labour Leader is on record as saying there are five pipes going into every house and the water pipe is the only one not charged for. this has caused some confusion among senior Labour TDs, some of whom have additional unmetered “Merlot” and “Chablis” pipes.

Mr Gilmore has accused Fine Gael of “starting the negative campaigning”.He also promised a more positive approach in the last days of the election campaign. “We will be clear about our policy, which is that Fine Gael are really crap,” he quipped.

Labour has largely replaced its “Gilmore For Taoiseach” posters with alternatives including “Gilmore FTW”, “Gilmore For A Bit” and the utterly mystifying “Trí Chéile” (pictured above).

Gilmore: "Pike"

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore warned voters of the dangers of handing an overall majority in the next Dáil to Fine Gael, claiming that his FG opponents were planning “A thousand year Gaelsreich of stealth taxes”.

Enda: Yoink

Speaking in English, Irish and Breton, Mr. Gilmore claimed that, in power, Fine Gael would “sneak up on you from behind and then: ‘Yoink’ would go your money. That’s not the Labour way. We’ll come straight at you with a pike, cudgel or pitchfork”.

Enda Kenny, the most leader-like member of Fine Gael (a loose affiliatin of people not in Fianna Fáil) denied Mr Gilmore’s claims that there is a €5 billion “black hole” in his fiscal plans. “Fine Gael has a dedicated team of astrophysicists at work on our financial plans and they have assured me that at worst we might have a white dwarf, or possibly a vortex. We’re not sure about the vortex. It might just be a collection of Alan Shatter’s poetry.”

Shatter: Poems

This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on Feb 15th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios.

Leaders' Debate on The Frontline (First Broadcast on 4fm 15.02.2011) [ 2:37 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Emergency is broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries every weekday on The David Harvey Show (9-11am) and repeated on The Home Run with Brian McColl after 4pm.

Podcast

All audio content on The Emergency site, including pieces first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm in association with 11890 Directory Enquiries, is available as a podcast:
Feed URL: http://www.theemergency.ie/feed/podcast/
iTunes (web): http://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620
Subscribe using iTunes app: itms://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/id407214620

Labour Leader Eamon Gilmore, a staunch opponent of That Sort Of Thing, has commended the Labour candidate in the Donegal South West for “a fantastic performance which is much better than coming fifth”.

Tallies suggest that Sinn Féin Senator Pearse Doherty will win comfortably, with Fine Gael in second place and Fianna Fail in third. Labour’s Frank McBrearty narrowly defeated two independent candidates. “Only one of those independents withdrew from the competition so I think Frank has done a brilliant job”, Mr. Gilmore enthused, “and we are confident that he is well-placed to build on this performance in the forthcoming general election. In fact we expect him to be more places from the bottom of the list of candidates, particularly if more candidates run and none of them drops out in the general election”.

Labour Contenders: (L to R) A Rock, A Promising Dead Badger, Frank McBrearty

However it is emerging that McBrearty may not even be the Labour candidate in the general election in Donegal South West. A number of other contenders have expressed an interest in running for Labour including a rock and a promising dead badger.

Mr. Gilmore insisted this was a good sign of things to come for Labour:

“This is indicative of the strength in depth of Labour and is the type of thing that will sweep us to power in the forthcoming general election, when we will campaign on the basis of our policies which are certainly not those bad policies we hear so much about”.

Mr. McBrearty is said to be “gutted”, but the Labour Party refused to confirm that any specific physical remedy had been administered and would only say McBrearty had “gone to his room and was listening to Joy Division”

Enda Kenny, maverick “leader” of “Fine Gael” (a loose affiliation of people who are not in Fianna Fail) has sought to distance himself and his party from “Labour” (a nice bunch of affable folk with red ties and blouses). Kenny has said Fine Gael will outline “eye-popping” savings to be achieved in the context of a four year plan. it is not certain whether citizens will be required to pop their own eyes or whether the work will be carried out by a crack militia armed with state-of-the-art eye popping equipment. The four year plan will form the basis of a broader plan for a 1000 year “Fine Gaelsreich”.

Enda Kenny: 'Eye-Popping'

Among the list of “100 Things To Make And Do In A Post-Apocalyptic Situation”, it is thought there will be detailed plans for job creation, macramé clothing for schoolchildren and recipes for biscuits made from scurf.

A senior Fine Gael front-bencher, who could not remember his name, told The Emergency that the calls for “consensus government” were an attempt to “flush out” the opposition. He said Fine Gael has no problem being “flushed out”. “We have assumed the position and are ready for the Speculum Of Responsibility”, he said in a voice muffled due to his being face down in a pillow, “unlike Labour who seem hell bent on frittering away the gains made by the centre right consensus over the last ten years”.

Meanwhile the leader of the Labour Party, Eamon Gilmore, has said that all the necessary cuts can be made without affecting public services simply by a combination of taxing and eating high earners and a rigourous programme of sharp efficient sound-bites over the next four years.

Its a story that will beggar the whole family! Coalition Pictures Presents Starey Brian and the Delusion Factory – the heartwarming story of two little boys (innocent Enda Buckenny and wary Eamon Gloop) who gain entry to the mysterious Department of Finance (facts go in – truth never gets out) with special golden tickets issued by Starey Brian, famous worldwide for incredible delusions, and the Greeny Weenies famous for being attached to power at all costs (to the taxpayer)!

Starey Brian and the Greeny Weenies spend all day making up the most unbelievable nonsense and covering it with sugar in an effort to make it palatable – but can their world survive visitors from “outside”?

Featuring the the hit songs The Cowenman Can’t and World Of Pure Imagination, and (I’m In The) Golden Circle your children will literally shovel every cent they will ever earn into this frankly incredible tale. Sure to be a Christmas TV hit…for anyone who hasn’t had to pawn their telly for food in november

Starey Brian and the Delusion Factory at government buildings NOW!

One of the highly sought Golden Tickets allowing the bearer gain access to Starey Brian’s magical Delusion Factory

Not waving, drowning

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen today dismissed the results of a new poll for TV3 which show that his credibility has been severely diminished by his disasterous post piss up Morning Ireland interview.

Speaking to reporters from the depths of a double dip recession Mr Cowen insisted that his leadership was secure, that the markets admire his government’s tough decisions, and that the recession is over.

Questioned about exchequer figures indicating a double dip recession Mr Cowen said that the figures had to be looked at in terms of the totality of the year. With killer material like that it’s no wonder that he has them rolling in the aisles during his nightclub act.

The Labour Party has vowed to remain firmly on the sidelines and to continue to “give a voice to the bemused dumbstruck rubbernecking masses at the scene of the Celtic Car Crash” despite slipping back into 3rd place in the recent Red C opinion poll.

Labour has gained enormously in popularity recently with it’s lovable rose logo and radical “name that doesn’t begin with ‘F’” policy.

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore has promised to keep pressure on the government by staring hard at them across the floor of the Dail. Read more »